2025 Football Season

Team Record: 3-7
Band Record: 10-0

San Diego 2025​

September 20th, 2025
Princeton vs. University of San Diego 
Princeton loses 35-42

Pregame (4 mins)

Hewwo Pwincess, (foot clap) it’s the Pwinceton Univewsity Band!

[Band mawches on to Pwinceton Cannon Song]

Kitten, I hope yew have been enjoywing my spoiws. Unfowtunatewy, daddy has some bad news. Fedowa stock is decwining wapidwy, and my waifu body piwwows awe wosing vawue. Daddy wiww have to go bawd soon. I hope you wiww stay even aftew seeing my weceeding hawline. [pauwse]

What did you say? I need a J-O-B? How dawe you pwincess (foot clap again).

For the wast time, kitten. Daddy is not unempwoyed. He is simpwy on a stay at home Howiday.

[Band fowms a fedowa and pways Howiday]

Now, whewe wewe we pwincess? Ah yes, daddy has a bone to pick wif you. (twombone gwiss on fiewd) Kitten needs to stawt suppowting the househowd, maybe get some help from Wobewt Kawdashian. We need to keep paying fow Nitwo. Now, daddy needs to get back to modewating his discowd sewvew. Those P’s won’t doubwe doubwe wotate themsewves. 

[Band fowms Doubwe Doubwe Wotating P and pways Going Back]

Wun away pwincess. You don’t want to see daddy angwy… ow do you? (*foot cwap*)

Halftime (6 mins)

[knock knock knock] UCSD [knock knock knock] UCSD [knock knock knock] Oh, sorry, University of San Diego. It’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March] 

Bazinga! We were delighted to hear that famed physicist Sheldon Cooper became the mastermind he is today thanks to the bountiful and rigorous education that the University of San Diego has to offer. We know that Dr. Cooper has been working tirelessly to find a unifying theory of physics, and we’d like to offer our own work for his consideration. The Princeton University band has developed The Big Band theory and can only conclude that size DOES matter. Doubtful? Don’t be! Once we get through the peer-review process, you’ll all be believers!

[Bang forms a bazinga and plays I’m A Believer]

Bazinga Bazinga! Our Big Band Theory has allowed us to develop a revolutionary time-travelling band van. We just time travelled from the year 2067 and can confirm that size does matter. How did we time travel? Allow us to introduce you to Doc Brown of UCSD fame. He helped us develop the plaid strings of reality which power our new band Delorean. See you in 2020, Bullfighters. Where we’re going, we don’t need highway 101.

[Band forms a flux capacitor and plays Time Warp] 

Run away band! Sheldon Cooper’s after us for sitting in his spot on the couch.

Lafayette 2025

September 27th, 2025
Princeton at Lafayette
Princeton wins 38-28

Not only did they cut our pregame show, they also cut our halftime show…. talk about a sore loser

Columbia 2025

October 3rd, 2025
Princeton vs. Columbia
Princeton wins 17-10

Pregame (4 mins)

LAWST in the SAWCE, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Sawng]

We’ve been asking ourselves… why does New York City have such unique, excellent pizza? Foodies have been asking this question on AskJeeves.com for decades. We recently sent our city correspondent to interview one of the premiere pizza chefs in the city, Pizza Rat. 

City Correspondent: So, Mr. Rat, what’s your secret to the best pizza in the tri-state area? 

Pizza rat [extreme New Yorker accent]: Ay, ay, ay, Mistuh Rat was my fawthuh. Cwall me Pizza. And ya know, da secret to da best slice in da city… it’s in da sawce. 

City Correspondent: That’s great to hear. And what’s the most popular topping at your shop? 

Pizza: Oh come awn, it’s gawta be the meat bawls. Smothered in aw secret sawce, there’s nothin like it anywhah else. 

[Band forms meatbawls and plays “Great meatballs of fiyah”]

City Correspondent: Wow, and where is your Pizza shop located, Pizza? 

Pizza: It’s right near Times Square-uh, which is a zoo, ya know. All these taxis zoomin around and I’m like AY! I’M WALKIN’ HEEYA! Anyways. Fuhgettaboutit. It’s at fourtee second and brawdway. Come ovah sometime and get some fresh hawt DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATIN’ PIIIIIIIIIZZA! 

[Band forms Dwouble Dwouble Rotating P and plays Going Back]

City Correspondent: Run away band! Pizza Rat’s restaurant has been cited for various health code violations!

Halftime (6 mins)

Oh no! Pizza rat has fallen into a river in Jersey City! Deploy the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]

Sorry folks, slight error there. Pizza rat has fallen, but not into a river. He’s fallen… For our City Correspondent! After the Health Department shut down his restaurant, Pizza Rat was seeking purpose beyond the sawce and found himself at the Zohran K. Mamdani scavenger hunt. There he bumped into none other but our illustrious City Correspondent – and after their first date at the Penn Station Raising Cane’s, they knew it was true love. They were so excited to get married and move into their 8 million dollar, 20 square foot apartment, they had to take their Raising Cane’s sawce to go. 

[Band forms a slice of pizza and plays Hot to Go]

Unfortunately, it turned out that our City Correspondent is from Staten Island, and refused to cheer for the Mets! Pizza Rat has since requested a divorce. Just like the sawce, it was very messy. Pizza Rat tried to console himself at the Mets game, but that only broke his heart even more. Luckily, as Pizza Rat was reaching for a Pete Alonso fly ball to left field, he tripped and fell into the arms of a dashing young gentleman. That gentleman? The one and only Zohran K. Mamdani, Pizza Rat’s true, true love! The City Correspondent is now long forgotten, and Pizza rat has moved onto better sawce. He won’t even kiss his ex goodbye.

[Band forms Citi Field and plays Kiss em Goodbye]

Run away band! Our City Correspondent is requesting alimony!

Mercer 2025

October 11th, 2025
Princeton vs. Mercer
Princeton loses 14-138

Pregame (4 mins)

Have you ever wondered who stuffs the bear???…. it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]

Have you ever wondered how your favorite fuzzy friends are made? Some Cornell students kindly demonstrated for us recently. Build-a-bear is, of course, one of the most favorite childhood traditions. First, you will need to go catch a bear. We don’t think that’s too difficult. Look, there’s a whole sleuth of them here today. Then, you’ll need to ask very nicely for its coat. Or don’t ask – depends on how good their defense is. Now in your favorite communal kitchen,  fill it up with some nice soft stuffing. You can also add a complimentary voice box that will sing “Here Comes That Tiger,” and finish with… you guessed it… a complimentary BEAR-th certificate! 

Band forms the bear’s heart and plays The Muppet Song.

Follow these instructions, and you’ll build a bear that’ll make even Mary Shelley proud. But not as proud as our double double rotating P!

[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]

Run away band!The Berenstain Bears are suing us for psychological damages! 

Halftime (6 mins)

Singing Rapture by Blondie to our judgement day… It’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]

Rapture? I hardly know ‘er! You may have heard a few weeks ago that the rapture was upon us – but alas! A false alarm! The band knew that we were safe on September 23rd because actually, according to our calculations, the rapture will instead take place today! They say no man will know when the rapture will happen, but we’re the Band so we’re different. We were born via C-Section. The Rapture will occur in approximately 2 minutes. 

Band forms a Clock and plays Final Countdown.

Hark! It is the RAPTURE. Die, you egg! Do you hear them? The raptors? I hardly know ‘ers! They’ve been released and we will soon all join the Heavenly Raptor in the sky. God Bless our reptilian overlords. [Loud noises of paleontological evolutionary biologists enacting vengeance.] Sorry, our AVIAN overlords. THEY HAVE COME OUT OF THEIR CAGE AND THEY’RE DOING JUST FINE! (slay) 

Band forms Heaven’s Gate and plays Mr. Brightside.

Run away band… We’re no match for the sequel: Rapture 2: Too Rapture Too Furious, now with double the raptors, I hardly know ‘ers!

Brown 2025

October 18th, 2025
Princeton at Brown
Princeton wins 40-21

Brown Show 10/18/25

Pregame (8 mins)

Beary happy to be in Rhode Island, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]

As Brown prepared for fat bear week, they hoped to bring back the tradition of having a live bear on their football field, only to discover Bruno had gone missing! They searched everywhere – the entire square mile of Rhode Island – but he was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, behind University Hall, they came across a few incriminating pieces of evidence: a hotel management degree, corn, an “L”, and a big red ransom note. Brown students rushed over west, but it was too late for Bruno! After this unbearable loss, we can confirm that the kids aren’t alright.

[Band forms a communal kitchen and plays The Kids Aren’t Alright]

The Brown students needed revenge, and they turned to their childhood weapon – coffee milk. Chugging straight from Brown’s caffeinated cows, the students fueled up and marched on Ithaca, but unfortunately, they never made it to Cornell to get their retribution. They had drunk so much coffee milk, they needed to find a rest stop for their Double Double Rotating P.

[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]

Meanwhile, the band was on its own adventure finding our way to the island of celsius fueled cows. Before we began our journey to Brown, our Head Manager Kairi Schrenker dutifully scheduled our ferry to reach Rhode Island. We were shocked when we learned that Rhode is not an island at all, and our boat struggled to navigate the rocky shores of I-95. We’d like to fix this erroneous naming of the state once and for all and release Rhode Island back into the sea. The band has devised a plan to free the state from its earthly bonds by attaching 99 quadrillion balloons to the Brown University Science Library. Guided by the Big Blue Bug and carried by the Gulf Stream, Rhode Island will journey across the Atlantic to wherever the trade winds take it.

[Band forms a balloon and plays 99 Luftballoons]

Bem-vindo to the Iberian Coast! Rhode Island has been accepted as the nineteenth district of Portugal and is in the process of formal annexation. The band was so busy enjoying pasteis and reasonably priced espresso that we forgot all about the football game. Wait…why is this football black and white? I don’t think this is the right kind of football game, or at least that’s the Impression That I Get.

[Band forms an incorrect football and plays The Impression That I Get]

Run away band, the big blue bug had too much coffee milk and is still after more!

Harvard 2025

October 25th, 2025
Princeton vs. Harvard
Princeton loses 14-35

Pregame (4 mins)

What if it’s lupus, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]

*Dramatic establishing shot of Frist Campus Center, aka the Princeton-Plainsboro Hospital* 

Welcome back to this week’s episode of House M.D. where the team desperately needs to cure this patient. He’s suffering from Crimsonitis, the worst disease of them all, and had to be med-evaced from Harvard to the nation’s finest medical institution. Sadly, the patient’s ego has ballooned more than Cornell’s acceptance rate, and his head can’t fit through doors anymore. He’s shown no improvement even after Harvard doctors administered the medicine drug. Of course, we know only stupid people try the medicine drug. The patient has now lost control of his motor cortex and Dunkin Donuts coffee is dripping from his nose. Even worse, his grades are inflating faster than the value of his degree. Only one thing can save him. Mouse bites from the pest-filled dorms in Cambridge. What’s that, Harvard? You forbid this? We don’t care! Quick, he needs more mouse bites! Bring in Mouse No. 5! 

The band forms a mouse coming to the rescue and plays Mouse No. 5. 

[Band forms a Mouse and plays Mambo No. 5]

Are you being intentionally dense? Giving the patient a Harvard degree only made things worse. The patient is now incontinent and is double double rotating peeing his pants. 

[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]

Run away band, we are very smart. 

Halftime (6 mins)

If you violence the fascists you become the fascists, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]

Sheriff of Not In Ham Maddie Rudolph, the vicious and cruel fascist ruler of Not in ham, has long been oppressing the Merry Band of Tricksters, led by the fearless folk hero Ariane “Hood” Adcroft. But recently, Sheriff Rudolph has been taking a new approach to suppressing rebellion in the common folk. In addition to the typical, tired violence, speech repression, and so on, the Sheriff has also taken to ensuring that Not in Ham Universities cannot continue to indoctrinate students into anti-Sheriff ideologies. 

Two leading Not in Ham colleges, Princeville and Haryard, have refused to surrender, and the Merry Band of Tricksters is leading the charge. *Trumpet fanfare* It’s time to stop the sheriff from robbin’ our “Hood!” The band forms Princeville and plays Robin Hood.

[Band forms Nassau Hall and plays Robin Hood]

The Sheriff would not be so easily bested by Hood and the Tricksters. To cripple the merry band, she began levying new taxes on their already meager, insufficient little funds and clawing back the money the band needed to pay Santa Claus’s medical bills. Despite the inferior faculties of Haryard, Princeville and Haryard were forced to join together with the Band to challenge the Sheriff’s authoritarianism. After all, you can’t expect to wield unitary executive power just ‘cause ten thousand people in Pennsylvania threw a sheriff-ship at you. 

Still, the sheriff refuses to back down and is trying to force the Not In Ham colleges to sign a compact of terror and take away their right to merriment, or else cease operation. While Haryard may still fail in sportsball against the mighty Princeville, their combined strength may be able to combat the Sheriff’s all-or-nothing demand. Solidarity forever!

[Band plays Also Sprach Zarathustra and flashes…

FASCISM OR NIL

CRIMSON FAILS

TIGERS ON TOP!]

Run away band… Sheriff Rudolph has thrown the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!

Cornell 2025

November 1st, 2025
Princeton at Cornell
Princeton loses 17-20

Pregame

Confusing and irrelevant, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]

The Princeton University Band is so excited to be here supporting the football team today, watching our favorite sport of all time. Coming in a close second place is our love of trick-or-treating, a sport which the band is prepared for year-round. Always the most fashionable of the Ivy bands, the band has been wearing our orange and black uniforms in preparation for Halloween continuously since 1952. In honor of our refusal to ever change, the band forms a boater and plays Don’t Stop Me Now.

[Band forms Boater and plays Don’t Stop Me Now]

The Cornell band wishes they looked this good. For our stylish regalia, Abby Lee Miller has placed us at the top of the Ivy Band Double Double Rotating Pyramid. 

[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]

Run away band! The Big Red Marching Band is coming after our fashionable hats!

Halftime

Far above Cayuga’s waters, with its waves of blue, stands our noble orange pumpkin, glorious to view. It’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]

When the band arrived last night in our distinctive orange uniforms, we were perfectly disguised to hide out in Cornell’s most sincere pumpkin patch where we waited for the appearance of the Great Pumpkin. Since October 8th, 1997, the band has been admiring the tale of the pumpkin stuck on top of McGraw tower, and this year, we stayed up to see if it would appear once more on Halloween night. Legend has it that the pumpkin will arrive bearing a flying bag of footballs for all the good little bandies from Cornell and Princeton alike. We danced our favorite spooky dances to keep ourselves warm as we patiently waited out the night on Ho Plaza. 

Band forms the Great Pumpkin and plays Dance the Night.  

[Band forms Pumpkin and plays Dance the Night]

The clock on McGraw Tower struck midnight, and the band gazed skyward with bated breath. Lo and behold, a great vegetable appeared above us, balanced atop the spire. Twas no pumpkin! Instead, it was the great Cob of Corn, who spoke to us telepathically to bestow his kernels of wisdom. We would tell you what they were, but the Great Cob swore us to secrecy before he popped in the morning sun. Just trust us when we tell you not to bother with a lottery ticket tomorrow. Swimming in a basket of money, the band forms a kernel of wisdom and plays Basket Case.

[Band forms a Kernel and plays Basket Case]

Run away band, the kernels are popping all over us!

Dartmouth 2025

November 8th, 2025
Princeton at Dartmouth
Princeton loses 17-20

We had a more epic show that passed our censors, but not Dartmouth’s 😡

Pregame (4 mins)

Stateless, moneyless, and classless, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]

I don’t like snow. It’s cold and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. We had a harsh journey here, trekking through the land of ice and wind and freezing the spit in our trombones. We even took a wrong turn and accidentally ended up at UMass Dartmouth! We wanted to make a bonfire to warm us up, but unfortunately all we got was a laser show. Our disappointment is immeasurable and our days are ruined. Truly, our inner children are freezing in their boots.

Band forms our disappointment and plays Children of Winter, I hardly know ‘er!

[Band forms tear and plays Children of Sanchez]

Help! I think frostbite is setting in! It’s really getting bad, I can hear Mariah Carey’s whistle notes echoing through the lands. I really can’t stay, but baby it’s New Hampshire outside. Please, let us into your warm academic buildings! We just want to look, I promise! Hanover, hear our Double Double Rotating pleas!

[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]

Run away band… the academic buildings have fresh body temperature books waiting for us in the stands. 

Halftime (6 mins) 

Live free, die, or a secret special third option, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]

The band’s long-suffering class pet took the “live free” part of your state’s motto a little too literally, and escaped from his cage to roam the suburbs of New Jersey. His name was Dartin’ Martin and he will live in our hearts forever. We have come to Hanover seeking a New Hampster. With eyes like a tiger, we will seek out this small rodent.

Band forms our beloved pet and plays Eye of the Tiger.

[Band forms hamster and plays Eye of the Tiger]

Our new hamster is so adorable! He’s very fluffy so he can survive in all this cold, and… seems to speak very bad French? Oh la la, he is actually Quebecois! When we found him, he was stuck between the United States and Canada, negotiating with a border officer about his rodent visa. He had way too much maple syrup with him and was going to have to pay thousands in customs duties! Luckily, we rescued him from this indignity, since he really is a righteous steward of capital. We will now attempt to start an autonomous state in the middle of our two nations. We are so excité! Glory to the almighty free market!

Band forms the hamster’s syrupy bounty and plays The Middle of the border. 

[Band forms a maple syrup bottle and plays The Middle]

Run away band, it’s not over ‘til it’s Han-over!

Yale 2025

November 15th, 2025
Princeton vs. Yale
Princeton loses 10-13

Pregame (4 mins)

So slippery we could fry an egg on a sidewalk, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]

New Haven has declared itself the pizza capital of the world – a claim the Princeton University Band would like to vehemently dispute. The real pizza capital of the world, as every sane person knows, is Lunchables headquarters. The band travelled to New Haven just to sample their pizza, and found it moldy, icky, lifeless, and also floppy. Between the greasy pizza and the vast quantities of olive oil pushed on students by the Yale administration, the band was positively slippery. If you are what you eat… then you can call us Oil. 

Band forms grease stain and plays You Can Call Me Oil.

[Band forms grease stain and plays You Can Call Me Al]

The band was so greased that when we tried to get out of our communal bathtub, we slipped and slid and got stuck, just like William Howard Taft of the Yale Class of 1878. Following in the slick footsteps of every U.S. president since Taft, the band is all about that oil. 

Band forms Double Double Rotating President and plays Going Back.

[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]

Slide away band… There’s no amount of Dawn dish soap that’ll unlubricate us! We are stuck!

Halftime (6 mins)

Say it ain’t so, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]

Fans, have you recently experienced a season-ending injury? Did the Yale stadium DJ play Weezer while you were writhing on the field? If so, you and your loved ones may be entitled to financial compensation for physical, emotional, and spiritual damages. Princeton, University, Band, and Sons is the personal injury firm for you. 

The band pours one out for a real one and plays Buddy Holly.

[Band forms bottle of olive oil and plays Buddy Holly]

Thanks to our partnership with the world-renowned Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, our services also come with a free evaluation by Doctor Gregory House. Delaney McCarty, CFO of the PUB & Sons Personal Unjury Birm, would be happy to assist you with any questions you may have related to billing. Delaney is very normal and can be trusted with your credit card information. Quoth she, “Man, I love finance!”

Band forms an offshore bank account and plays Land of 1000 Insurance Claims. 

[Band forms bank account and plays Land of 1000 Dances]

Run away band. Have you or loved ones been affected by mesothelioma? You may be entitled to financial compensation. Please send us your social security number to receive more information. 

Penn 2025

November 22nd, 2025
Princeton at Penn
Princeton loses 6-17

Presidential Pregame

Better Kate than never… It’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]

The Band would like to pay homage to our PontifiKating President KVIII Voltz, victim of repeated LSAT traumas. Though we expect The WaterKate Hotel to soon be a successful lawyer, today we’d like to remind her of her humble roots at Old Nassau. But before we begin, let us first eat a Jersey Mike’s tuna sandwich with a tepid mountain dew while sitting on a bed bug infested mattress. Man, I Love Fireball! Band forms bed bug and plays Fireball.

[Band forms Bed Bug and plays Fireball]

Some say Kate Cod’s battle against the bed bugs was what led to her infatuation with trombone players, who she employed to blast the bed bugs with their horns. UnfortuKately, this only led to the bed bugs chasing after Kuwait, Kuwait, causing her to twist her ankle again. Poor Hotel Motel HoliKate Inn! Band forms ankle and plays Fireball.

[Band forms Ankle and plays Fireball]

Kateis Sliwa is problematic when meeting the parents, because she once married her soon to be mother and now falls for every mother she meets. But to RageKait, what’s one more mother? We suspect this is also the cause of the band’s endless revolving door of dads. Now that Kateniss Everdeen is finishing her presidency, we better send her back to Oregon! Band forms Double Double RoKating Pitbull and plays Going Back to Corvoltzy.

[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]

Run away band, Rene Des Kates’s got the high ground! There is no escape!

Halftime

It’s not so dumb it’s brilliant, it’s just dumb… it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]

The band loves to play video games with our many moms, and recently we’ve been playing the newest release of Supermario Brothers: Mario and Luigi rob the Penn Museum! Nintendo Switch 2 edition, playable on the Nintendo Switch 2. The Princeton Art Museum was looking pitifully concrete and brutalist (thanks, Zohran!), and their next quest is to spice up the new PUAM. We’ve been playing as Luigi, dressed in a signature green construction vest, running and jumping between the display cases to collect all of the Penn Museum’s crown jewels. After we escape the building, we stop by Huntsman to snap a quick photo of our booty before dashing back to Princeton. Band forms a tandem bicycle quickly weaving through Philadelphia traffic, and plays Mario and Luigi’s Escape Vehicle.

[Band forms bicycle and plays Vehicle]

The next world in the game takes us to the orange and black market, where we haggle with Whartio and Whartluigi, most illustrious graduates of the grimacing Wharton Business School, to sell off our newly acquired and almost dropped treasures. There we earned many thousands of coins which we used to buy some better art for our Art Museum. Our favorite was THE Mona Lisa (we didn’t ask where they got it), which we find very beautiful even though Mona appears rather sad. Band forms a questionably sourced masterpiece and plays Summertime Sadness. 

[Band forms sad painting and plays Summertime Sadness]

And now, on behalf of Band President Kate Voltz, our fearless steward of unending civic participation, Drum Major and the butt of countless Brit jokes Ariane Adcroft, Treasurer Delaney McCarty, the greatest stepdad we ever could’ve asked for, Head Manager Kairi Schrenker, faithful orderer of pizza and, if we’ve been good, hoagies, and Student Conductor Maddie Rudolph, who always seems to lose track of their pants by the end of the game, these are your announcers, Jacob Jackson, notorious polysectional, and Allana Bui, signing off. It’s been an honor.

For the last time, run away band…It is not a doughnut hole, it’s a smaller doughnut with its own hole. And our doughnut is not whole at all!