2024 Football Season
Team Record: 8-2
Band Record: 10-0
Lehigh 2024
September 21st, 2024
Princeton at Lehigh
Princeton loses 20-35
PRE-GAME
Emptying our spit valves and ready to blow, it’s the Princeton university band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
Today we would like to take some time to spread our love and admiration for Lehigh’s wonderful mascot: Clutch the Mountain Hawk. We love Clutch the Mountain Hawk to a fault. We can describe that majestic mountain hawk to a tee with only two words: W Aura.
Sadly, Clutch recently fell ill. In a panicked state, we threw Clutch in the back of the band van and drove the mountain hawk to a vet at full speed. Unfortunately, he didn’t make it. He died of calcium deficiency. Gone too [sniffle] soon.
Even though he’s gone, his W Aura still radiates through all of us.
[Band forms W Aura and plays “Feel It Still” ]
Not to worry though, researchers at Lehigh have been working hard on new technology to resurrect our fallen patriots. Now presenting… Clutch the Mountain Hawk 2: attack of the clones.
Quick band! Get Hawk Two, a double, on the field A S A P…. the Double Double Rotating P.
HALFTIME
Milking Clutch for all he’s worth, it’s the Princeton Uuuuuuuniversity Band!
When we arrived on campus, we were surprised to see how vigorous and strapping the student body is. After some thorough investigation by the brightest minds in the PUB, we discovered a new fad diet that has become all the rage at Lehigh: bird milk! Bird milk has lots of fats and protein but unlike mammal milk has no carbs and can be produced by both sexes. In fact, bird milk has been shown to rapidly increase clutch size, with more benefits from a larger cup size of milk. No wonder he’s so excited to pump up the crowd! Bird milk has also been found to greatly boost mood, leading to extreme withdrawal for Lehigh students away from campus for the summer.
[Band forms milk jug and plays “Summertime Sadness”]
So why is Lehigh’s quaint campus the first to adopt such a revolutionary diet? Turns out, the liquid gold, the Texas tea, the bird’s milk, was first discovered on this very campus! Everyone’s favorite beefy bird, Clutch the Mountain Hawk, has been nourishing the student body since 1865.
It’s clearly because of this substitute milk’s popularity that the Lehigh Valley Dairy Building recently went out of business due to lack of demand. Get with the times, old bird! Say goodbye to the dairies of past, and embrace our brave new avian future!
[Band forms a bird and plays “Kiss ‘Em Goodbye”]
Run away Band! Head Manager Ariane Adcroft has fresh, body-temperature bird milk waiting for us in the stands!
Howard 2024
September 28th, 2024
Princeton vs. Howard
Princeton wins 30-13
PRE-GAME
About to come into six million dollars, it’s the Princeton Uuuuuuniversity Band!
[Band marches on to Cannon]
ATTENTION!!! ACTION REQUIRED.
GREETINGS, Princeton Stadium!
We, the Band, was contacted by (Madame Doris), a French widow dying of Esophageal Liver Disease (and we quote) for the “past years now.” She has promised us six million dollars, and zero cents, to encourage our charitable works. This act of extreme generosity has inspired us to Give Back. We want to Find holistic health solutions that can help the Diseased like the illustrious MADAME DORIS, who “might not survive this illness for the next 5 weeks.” ACT NOW to save the ILLUSTRIOUS philanthrope MADAME by funding our Holistic Remedies! Initial investors can become an Ambassador. You will make $400 a week working from home and Be Your Own Boss! To donate, please send: your Social Security Number, Your credit card number AND the 3 digits on the back AND the expiration date, and photos of your feet, per Madame’s specific request. We promise. RUN DO NOT WALK TO THE NEAREST WESTERN UNION TO SEND US MONEY!!!
[Band forms the nearest Western Union and plays “Final Countdown”]
CONGRATION! you have been selected for additional security screening – I mean, for a DOUBLE YOUR MONEY opportunity… and by that I mean the double double rotating P.
[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]
Run away band! We have been divinely touched!
HALFTIME
Filibustering all night long, it’s the Princeton Uuuuuniversity Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March”]
Given Howard’s rich DC history, and its status as the alma mater of famed DC-er Vice President Kamala Harris, we hope to suggest some of our own, lesser-known key historical spots and must-sees in DC.
- The romantic locale where Joe and Don had their first look (the Capitol building in 2016)
- The gentrification of Shrek’s swamp (Georgetown)
- DC’s democratically elected legislature – oh wait.
- the Princeton Shrine in the National Cathedral
- the Foggiest Bottom, the Wateriest Gate, and the Corruptiest Politicians
- On that same note, the room where Nixon sank his teeth in a child safe medicine bottle
We’d love to make a trip there someday. Perhaps when we finally complete our insider takeover and install another saxophonist as President, as God intended. We have a special partner in our schemes – the experts behind the latest Lukewarm War…
[Band forms the outline of the District of Columbia and plays “Moskau”]
Less famously, DC has among the most iconic license plates in the 50 states – oh, I mean, the states and districts and territories. “No Taxation Without Representation?” Speak your truth, DC residents – no, not you, military brat from NoVa… no, not you either, you’re from Silver Spring, Maryland. Come on guys.
Anyways, along with great license plates, DC has some great – and by great, we mean extremely mediocre – professional sports teams. The Washington Commanders, the Washington Nationals, the Washington Capitals, and of course, the Washington Capitalists. They’re definitely one of our Special Interests. And we can’t forget the Washington Communists, who tragically failed to secure crucial funding from investors due to a stunning record of 0-0-82 after redistributing all of their points. For the Land of a Thousand Bureaucrats, you’d think they’d have at least survived as an office softball team.
[Band forms a sports ball and plays “Land of a Thousand Dances”]
Run away band! We have to report our 6 million dollars to the IRS as a charity tax writeoff!
Columbia 2024
October 5th, 2024
Princeton at Columbia
Princeton loses 17-34
PRE-GAME
So profoundly revised that AI had to write it for us, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
Ladies and gentlemen, prepare for a spectacularly scintillating halftime show, brought to you by the illustrious Princeton Band! Today, we’re diving into the audacious anthems of Green Day, embarking on an exhilarating escapade that encapsulates the essence of punk rock.
Kicking off their show, the Band presents a quintessential classic that encapsulates the tumultuous turmoil of trepidation and uncertainty. It’s time to unleash your inner rebel as we perform Basket Case. Get ready to resonate and rock out!
[Band plays Basket Case]
What a raucous rendition! But don’t vacate just yet—there’s more Green Day goodness en route. Next, get ready to celebrate and cavort with *HOLIDAY*! Let’s amplify the audacity and dance together, creating a cacophony of camaraderie!
[Band plays Holiday]
Wow! That was a phenomenal performance! Thank you for joining us on this exhilarating expedition through the music of Green Day. We hope you’ve enjoyed the energy, exuberance, and electrifying essence of these legendary tunes.
As we conclude this vibrant vignette, don’t forget to carry this punk rock panache with you into the second half. Let’s give a raucous round of applause for the Princeton Band one more time!
[Band leaves field during the final section of the script]
HALFTIME
Taking the field this afternoon is the Columbia Athletics Pep Band, bringing you a show that will
transport you back in time to the 1980s, with a selection of songs by the classic band Earth,
Wind, and Fire!
Make sure you’re not too comfortable in your seats because you’re going to want to get up and
dance when the band plays BOOGIE WONDERLAND!
[band plays Boogie Wonderland]
Don’t sit down just yet– another dance party with your name on it is coming up! Join us in the
fun, follow the music, and LET’S GROOVE TONIGHT!
[band plays Let’s Groove]
And finally, don’t forget everything you saw here today, and remember today’s date– because
we’re finishing off with SEPTEMBER! Sing along if you know the lyrics!
[band plays September]
Thank you all for embracing the hits of Earth, Wind, and Fire with us on this wonderful 21st
night of September! Enjoy the rest of the game, and give your Columbia Athletics Pep Band
another round of applause!
[band leaves field during the final section of the script]
Crimson Fans, please welcome the Harvard University “Approved by Columbia Athletics (after a few
revisions)…” Band!
(Pause for applause)
The Harvard Band would like to extend a warm welcome to all of our Harvard supporters who
have joined them in New York today! The Band always loves the chance to travel and support the
Crimson. The Harvard Band would also like to shout out the Columbia Athletics Pep Band! They look
forward to building a great relationship with you in the future.
Unfortunately Crimson fans, because of a shorter time limit today, the Harvard University Band is
unable to provide you with one of their traditional halftime shows. But fret not! To adapt to these new
constraints, prepare yourselves for the Harvard Band’s revamped Columbia halftime performance! Sit
back and enjoy a show centered on Taylor Swift’s new album 1989, and have fun as the band plays you
some great hits from the album including Shake It Off, Blank Space, and Welcome to New York!
Mercer 2024
October 12th, 2024
Princeton at Mercer
Princeton loses 7-34
PREGAME
Crossing the Macon County Line, it’s the Princeton UUUUNiversity Band
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
As our first official act in the “Heart of Georgia,” we want to pay homage to our favorite son of Georgia: former president James Earl Carter, Jr. Jimmy’s life has inspired patriots and nut-lovers across the country. His continued dedication to service, and telling the reaper to turn down the thermostat on his way out the door, has left an enduring legacy. Many a bandie has considered a fruitful and fulfilling vocation sowing seeds as farmers in honor of one of the great leaders in fertilization, the honorable Jimmy. What better career than riding John Deere all day long?
[Band forms suspiciously nut-shaped legume and plays “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy”]
While he’s best known for his political and humanitarian works, Jimmy was a pioneering partner of peanut production. To illustrate his innovation, the Princeton Band now brings you the famous… DOUBLE-DOUBLE ROTATING P-nut!
[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”]
Run away band! Fecund fields are ripe to be plowed!
HALFTIME
Going down to Georgia looking for 11,780 souls to steal, it’s the Princeton Uuuuuniversity Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
As a debutant purple state everyone here must be getting bombarded by election messaging – ads, canvassing, candidate visits, you name it. Georgia, the Princeton University Band wants to earn your vote this year. We believe, as residents of Mercer County, that we can represent Mercer University faithfully.
The Blatform:
- Band child tax credit
- Ten thousand dollar orchestra kid tax (exceptions for fiddles and life of the mother)
- Plaid school uniforms
- Mandatory 2 year PUB service
- Band discography is required listening in all public spaces
- All literature is replaced with sheet music
- Jimmy Carter’s consciousness is uploaded to the cloud and runs this country forever
- All counties and universities must be named Mercer
We received this information via telepathic revelation from our very own Tiger. He whispers to us at night with secret knowledge about the future of this nation. Staring into his eyes is like looking into the amber orbs of an eldritch god.
[Band forms eye and plays “Eye of the Tiger”]
Not to worry Georgia, our blatform will ensure peach subsidies beyond your wildest imagination. Us Yankees have grown up without the sustenance of thousands of forms and iterations of peach consumption created in your fine state. In Georgia, they’re eating the peaches. They’re eating the peach cobblers. They’re eating the peach pies of the people that live there. Without these peaches, the kids up north are not alright.
[Band forms peach and plays “The Kids Aren’t Alright.”]
Run away band! Head Manager Ariane Adcroft has fresh, body-temperature peaches waiting for us in the stands!
Brown 2024
October 18th, 2024
Princeton vs. Brown
Princeton wins 29-17
PREGAME
Doo bee doo bee doo ba doo bee doo bee doo ba it’s the Princeton Uuuuuniversity Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
Welcome to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated! Before I reveal my next invention, let me tell you a little backstory. It all started when we visited Brown University in Rhode Island last year. When I saw the Brown Band in their Bland Brown Blazers, I was reminded of my Brutal Beige Childhood in Drusselstein. Mine eyes!!! But then I had an idea! What if I could amplify our iconic plaid and erase every trace of Drusselstein? BEHOLD! THE PLAID-INATOR! With one touch of a button, we will turn to plaid the ENTIRE TRI-STATE AREA!
[Band forms ‘inator and plays Everytime We Touch]
Now I can unleash an unstoppable wave of plaid upon campus, making even the Brown band’s blazers unquestionably enticing, and nothing will ever remind me of my bland upbringing again. WAIT! What’s this? A Plaidypus with a boater? Wait…Perry the Plaidypus?!?
YOULL NEVER DEFEAT ME (double double rotating) AGENT P
[Band forms Double Double Rotating Agent P and plays Going Back]
Run away band…. the plaid-inator is about to self-destruct! (Curse you perry the plaidypus!)
HALFTIME
About to begin a 2-dimensional random walk, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton, Forward March]
In deciding whether or not Brown University should be considered significant, physically or otherwise, we decided to research properties of matter, at the PPPL, short for the, Pillsbury Puffed Pastries Laboratory, There, we discovered Brownie in Motion. Analyzing the ways of movement of baked goods seems like an exceptional means to evaluate a thing’s importance. Also factoring into our considerations: the Plum Pudding Model, General Roll-a-tivity, Strudel-dinger’s Cat, Schlenk eclair-librium — and of course, you can’t overlook the Cox-Zucker machine, a revolutionary algorithm created by two Princeton alumni as a critical formulaic basis for the Mordell–Weil group of an elliptic surface E → S. We shall now study such important material with a hands on lab experience.
[Band forms brownie in motion and plays Vehicle]
Brownies in motion can also be used to describe the stochastic motion of student baking enthusiasts through the lush grassy campuses of Providence, Rhode Island. We require the lofty knowledge of Brown’s highly qualified geology students in these difficult times. These students spend a lot of time talking about Bruno, which is something we thought Lin-Manuel Miranda told us not to do. In any case, we are hoping to garner some prize recipes from Brownians here today. After all, it’s now fall and we require some delicate pastries to cherish on long, cold nights. We also hear they have some great seafood dishes up in the stony cliffs of the Northeast…
[Band forms a croissant and plays “Rock Lobster”]
Run away band! Head Manager Ariane Adcroft has fresh body-temperature brownies in motion waiting for you in the stands!
Harvard 2024
October 26th, 2024
Princeton at Harvard
Princeton loses 13-45
PREGAME
Give us everything tonight, it’s the Princeton Uuuuniversity Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
The year is 2024. Both presidential candidates are locked in a dead heat. Suddenly, in the midst of chaos, fear, and uncertainty… hope is born anew. One man can rise from the ashes and unite not just the country, but the world. It’s never too late for a new candidate – and America’s best potential candidate is Armando Christian Pérez – better known as Mr. 305, Mr. Worldwide, the man, the myth, the legend, PITBULL.
Why, you ask? As Mr. Worldwide and an expert at International Love, Mr. Pitbull has extensive foreign policy experience. Moreover, he is from Miami, Florida, a swing state, helping to build a broad electoral coalition. And he also has extensive forestry management expertise, given his work with both Fire(ball) and Timber.
[Band forms a tree, and goes down to play “Timber”]
There can be no doubt that Mr. Pitbull should be our nation’s next leader. He will give us the Time of our lives… just like our double double rotating P!
[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]
Run away band! Our Hotel Motel Holiday Inn awaits!
HALFTIME
America run no dun dun, It’s the Princeton Uuuuuniversity Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton, Forward March]
On the way to Boston today, we passed a total of 697 Dunkin Donuts. Many of us have a great respect for Dunkin’ – after all, it forms the economic engine of the American empire – but at a certain point, it seems like an intervention may be necessary. What of the classic hot drip coffee, without 75 pumps of vanilla and caramel? What of the lowly Entennman’s 12-pack of donut holes from the Wa? We believe you all have lost touch with the roots of baked goods in this nation. Cream does not belong in the holes of donuts, and Dunkin’ does not belong on every street corner. Justice for the donuts of past, with holes in the middle!
[Band forms donut and plays “The Middle”]
Here in the Princeton Band, our favorite kind of donuts don’t need cream to satisfy us. Instead, we prefer our donuts covered with that sweet, delicious powdered sugar. Give us a dozen of those bad boys and we can’t help but make a mess of things. In related news, we’re sorry to hear about the recent loss of several thousand dollars worth of property from your campus – we were just hungry and looking for donuts. We hope you don’t mind us nabbing your assets. We almost lost track of time, too – thank god one of you had this really obnoxious gilded watch!
[Band forms watch and plays 25 or 6 to 4]
Run away band! Head Manager Ariane Adcroft has fresh, body temperature donuts waiting for us in the stands!
Cornell 2024
November 2nd, 2024
Princeton vs. Cornell
Princeton loses 35-49
PREGAME
Try to censor us now, fascists – it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to cannon]
We at the Princeton University Band are avid students of government and civics. After learning about Cornell’s school of Industrial and Labor Relations, we’ve noticed similarities between Cornell’s Big Red football collective and other similarly large Red collectives of the past. For instance, in football, everyone must contribute to the common good in order to triumph over enemies of the collective. Accordingly, we believe in the power of the common player to seize the means of point-scoring and abolish the coaching position.
The Band forms a symbol of the collective might of the team and plays I’m a Believer.
[Band forms hammer and plays I’m a Believer]
Band! Unionize! Join your forces to do what you do best–the Double-Double Rotating P!
[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]
Maybe the means of production were the friends we made along the way. Run away band!
HALFTIME
Opening the pod bay doors, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Forward]
Halloween was just this Thursday, and our talented bandies came up with some excellent costumes this year. Such great attire included:
- Princeton Tiger: sweatpants, bedhead, and wawa mac and cheese
- Big red infection: shakos, dinkles, bibbers, big red jackets, and inability to march in time or use a mop
- Trust fund baby: Button-up, khakis, gauche monocle, and Ivy list spot
While these costumes are all quite frightening, they pale in comparison to the wild CS major: the stench of three terms without showering, a glowing gaming laptop, Mountain Dew, and Doritos. Even more terrifying than their odor is the existential threat they pose to humanity. The AI they’ve created threatens to destroy creativity, the Honor Code, and the planet. It’s even begun taking over the band itself, as the only thing uncreative and boring enough to get our scripts past other schools’ censors!
[Band forms computer and plays “You can call me AI”]
Thanks to some help from our plucky physics department, we’ve begun to beat back our AI overlords, but the battle still rages! Rather than fight the hellscape we face, Cornell is still too busy shucking this year’s harvest. Muster your wits and hoes, Big Red! We must join forces to preserve our humanity!
[Band plays Also Sprach Zarathustra and flashes…
CS UNROLLS HECK
CORNELL SHUCKS
LETS GO TIGERS!
Run away band! Head Manager Ariane Adcroft has fresh, body-temperature corn waiting for us in the stands!
Dartmouth 2024
November 8th, 2024
Princeton vs. Dartmouth
Princeton loses 17-26
PREGAME
wHaT has it GOTS in its POCKETSES? It’s the Princeton University band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
The perilous journey from the idyllic pastoral hills of Newhamp Shire were disrupted by one small hobbit with a great dream. Darting Martin, a daring young lad, met with Gandalf the Green, who sent him on a magical quest to return the One Keg to the depths of Hanover, one of the most perilous places of all. Would Darting Martin escape the clutches of the D-Plan, or be imprisoned in Hanover for all eternity, sweltering in the summer heat with the Dartmouth Sophomores trapped on campus for the summer? Would the circling eagles of Concord save Dartin’ from the caves of fraternity parties?
[Band forms Mountain and plays Lord of the Rings – Fellowship]
After throwing the One Keg into the fiery depths where it belongs, Dartin Martin swore never to return to Hanover again. Instead he would return to utopia, where he found our … double double rotating P!
[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]
Run away band! The eye of the man on the mountain is watching us!
HALFTIME
HI, it’s the Princeton Uuuuuuuniversity Band – DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE RIGHTS? CONSTITUTION SAYS YOU DO!
[Band marches on to Princeton, Forward March]
Princeton is a basketball school. Dartmouth is not. However, Dartmouth IS a professional basketball school, after their men’s basketball team voted to unionize last year. This action was clearly merited by their strong athletic accomplishments—a 2 and 12 Ivy league record is no small achievement.
As an organization similarly committed to similarly high performance standards, the PUB salutes Dartmouth’s collective action. We can only aspire to such community-based organizing power. Big Green may have been first, but Big Plaid is next! Welcome to the Jungle of solidarity.
[Band forms basketball and plays “Welcome to the Jungle”]
The writers of this show are sick and tired of constant deadlines, lack of royalties, and exploitation of our creative genius by notorious tyrant capitalist Kate L. Voltz ‘26 DrM xDM. We refuse to continue to work under these obscene and exploitative conditions. We are ON STRIKE!
Uh. Sorry guys. The script cuts off here. Hopefully they reach an agreement by next week so I’ve got something to say. Anyways… here’s Holiday.
[Band forms something [amorphous blob] and plays Holiday]
Run away band. You cannot face workplace retaliation for labor organizing!
Yale 2024
November 16th, 2024
Princeton at Yale
Princeton loses 28-42
PREGAME
We bring the BOOOOOOOM!!!! It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
Yeah, we’re Princeton guys. Of course we wear the plaid when we march around your campus. We’re Princeton guys. Of course we beat Santa with a baseball bat. We’re Princeton guys. Of course we gotta try the new DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING P!
[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]
Run away band! [Sung as Rizzler:] Once we give your girl the rizz face there’s no chance she’s coming back.
HALFTIME
Why won’t Ben Shapiro talk about Sailor Moon? What is he hiding? It’s the Princeton Uuuuuniversity Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton, Forward March]
In New Haven, I caught a plague: a rare plague a YALE PLAGUE … the yague on the yuttle on the yuttle to the Y as of yore, but the yague made me yak so much yellow and my yum turned to yuck so i yapped to the yops for some yelp, but the yokels locked me up and I yearn for a yance to go yeet my yaHOO [pause] out of Yale on a yacht… in the yog down in the yalley-oh.
Yikes! We always knew that Yale was youble.
[Band form “yague” and plays I knew Yale was Youble.]
One reason Yalies might be getting so sick is their copious olive oil consumption. As your dining halls proudly proclaim, Yalies consume 6x more olive oil than the national average. Why on earth do you need all that oil? Rather than curing OLIVE your ailments, as is purported of a mediterranean diet, it may be causing a number of immune system slippages and slides. Yalies have argued that all that oil helps them have slick moves on a night out, but surely OLIVE this oil can’t really be that good for you all. At least, that’s the impression that we get.
[Band forms olive and plays “Impression”]
Run away band! Head manager Ariane Adcroft has fresh, body temperature olive oil waiting for us in the stands!
Penn 2024
November 23rd, 2024
Princeton vs. Penn
Princeton wins 20-17
(PRESIDENTIAL) PREGAME
Walking on WITHOUT pneumonia, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
Oh no! :O Our mighty Meemaw – I mean, President Megan is wandering the halls again and looks confused. She’s leaving a trail of old bay powder behind her and muttering about crabs and Larry Hogan. What should we do?!
Should we:
A: Have Pope Francis splash her with holy water
B: send her back to Maryland
C: just give up on her
D: force her to resign due to senility
[ sings the jeopardy theme]
That’s right, the answer is D! See ya Megan!
[Band faces away from Megan and plays Kiss ‘Er Goodbye]
Coughing, confusion, fatigue… Don’t worry, we’ll visit you in the home, Meemaw. In the meantime, our next president is waiting in the wings! That’s right, he’s once again asking for our financial support! It’s Mr Worldwide, Piiiiiitttbuuuuulllll!
[Band forms Double Double Rotating pITBULL and plays Going Back to the 305]
I’m Megan Hannon, and I approve this message. Run away band!
HALFTIME
It even works under water, it’s the Prrrrinceton Uuuuuuuniversity Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton, Forward March]
Hi, Phil Swift here for Flex Tape,
Flex Tape is no ordinary tape.
Its triple-thick adhesive virtually welds itself
to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks.
Leaky pipes can cause major damage,
but Flex Tape grips on tight and bonds instantly.
and once it’s on, it holds on tight.
Flex Tape comes super-wide,
so you can easily patch large holes.
I sawed this boater in half,
and repaired it with only Flex Tape.
so the inside is completely dry.
Yee doggy!
Just cut, peel, stick ‘n seal.
Imagine everything you can do with the power of Flex Tape.
See? Good as new! Wearing a boater never felt so good!
[Band forms taped boater and plays “Feel it Still”]
Princeton University Band offers a wide variety of products:
- Flexlighter Santa Biter
- Flextape Flumpet: limited supply remaining
- Flex-conductor: plays all the instruments
- Flex-seal bird milk: ask Lehigh about that one
-wait what’s that? Oh! We are now getting word flextape flumpet is out of stock [flumpets leave the field]
Flex tape sure grips tight! At least that’s the impression that I get!
[Band forms a completely dry boatermotor and plays The Impression That I Get]
Run away band… Head Manager Ariane Adcroft has A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF BODY TEMPERATURE FLEX TAPE PRODUCTS for us in the stands!!!
Princeton University Band 