2023 Football Season
Team Record: 5-5
Band Record: 10-0
San Diego 2023
September 16, 2023
Princeton at University of San Diego
Princeton wins 23-12
Pregame:
We did not have a pregame show at the University of San Diego. 😦
Halftime:
Bullfighter? I hardly know her! It’s the Princeton University Band
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
We got off the bus yesterday, and our tour guide was none other than this charming, kind individual, Diego Torero! That’s a bull fighter that makes you say– “Diego is looking fresh!” He showed us the sights and sounds of the beautiful city of San Diego. When it came time to retire, we realized we forgot to book a hotel, (Thanks, Megan!) so Diego, in his eternal kindness, offered to let us stay at his home. This morning, for breakfast he offered us waffles. But not just any waffles– Sandy Eggos. We were surprised to learn that such a beloved food in your city is that which is covered in sand. Diego, we love food. But not sand. It’s coarse, rough, irritating, and gets everywhere. It’s still in our teeth. Dang-nabbit, I literally feel it still.
The band forms a sandy eggo and plays Feel it Still
[Band forms a circle and plays “Feel It Still”]
After our course, rough, irritating morning, we decided to do instagram liking and following. We noticed a list of Diego’s instagram live followers, and among them were esteemed president James Harris as well as notable alumni Jim Parsons and Robert Kardashian. It suddenly occurred to us, with deep, intense languishing fervor, that Diego wasn’t just Diego. He was…. the Diego. Inspiration of lesser foes. Our betrayal was so profound. But that’s just the price we pay. Destiny is literally freaking calling us. Open up our eager eye(s), ‘cause Diego is losing football.
Band forms BETRAYAL ☹️and plays Mr. Brightside.
[Band forms frowny face and plays “Mr. Brightside”]
Distance is long, friend. <brief pause>. But it’s about to get even longer! Run away, Band!
Bryant 2023
Bryant at Princeton
September 23, 2023
Bryant wins 16-13
It was absolutely pouring rain this day, so we could not perform our original show. Instead, we did half of an arch gig at the pregame and the second half at halftime. It was Very Cold and Very Wet.
Columbia 2023
September 29, 2023
Columbia at Princeton
Princeton wins 10-7
Pregame:
We pledge our honor that we have not violated the Honor Code during this examination, if you know what we mean, It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
A reading from the book of Rights, Rules and Responsibilities, Article 2 chapter 3 verse 2 “Princeton’s honor system was established by the undergraduates in 1893 and has been in effect without interruption since that time.” Amen. Columbia’s “honor code,” on the other hand, was established in 2022, only after they were caught fraudulently misreporting class sizes to US News and World Report to boost their ranking. It’s the oldest trick in the book, lying about your size. Can’t say we’ve ever had that problem. Band, where does Columbia really belong in the rankings?
[Band forms downward facing arrow and plays The Middle]
Columbia fans, you probably saw that as an up arrow. Delusional as always—heads in the smog clouds. This next formation will be unmistakable (and, might we add, larger?) and ten times as impressive: our Double-Double rotating P!
[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]
Run away band!
Under the honor system, students have a twofold obligation: individually, they must not violate the code, and as a community, they are responsible to see that suspected violations are reported.
Halftime:
Studious readers and devout followers of Rights Rules and Responsibilities, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton, Forward March]
Believe it or not, these shows that you all hear at halftime are not the shows that we write in their original form. They are subject to extremely reasonable and helpful suggestions by our intelligent, attractive tribunal of censors. We would like to thank [REDACTED] for their gracious edits to our show. We sincerely appreciate the input and value their contributions.
The censorship is, in fact, minimal, as I’m sure you’ve deduced already. For example, we are allowed to say… H-E-double hockey sticks, [REDACTED], [REDACTED]… oh, guess they cut those., and, oh, what does this say? “Why would you ever say that to a football stadium?” Huh. So glad we have our gracious cens- I mean, editors- to save us from embarrassment.
In fact, they suggested their ideological blueprint as our first song. We are happy to present it for you now!
Band forms “Rights, Rules, and Responsibilities,” and plays Moskau
[Band forms rectangle and plays Moskau]
Band, don’t you LOVE censorship?
[Band nods and cheers enthusiastically, except for NATIONAL TRAITOR (guilty person)]
Wait, you! That’s not the kind of free speech we allow!
[Julia points at guilty person]
GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY.
[Julia “lightly hits” guilty person with the mace and they fall over]
Anyway! Glad that’s all resolved now. [scramble] We are so happy to have that over with. We are happy to be here! We are happy. We are happy. We are happy. We are happy. We are happy.
[Band forms a smiley (☹) face and plays “Happy”]
I’ve said too much. Run away Band!
Lafayette 2023
October 7, 2023
Lafayette at Princeton
Lafayette wins 12-9
Pregame:
We love our faculty and staff! It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
For our show, rather than make some unoriginal joke about Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift, we will instead shout out the celebrities that are a little closer to home for us:
- DJ Darius II. Thank you for your service pumping up the jams. Our feet are stomping while the jam is pumping
- The women’s basketball team. We love basketball
- Whitman Dave. You’re perfect never change
- Roma Howard! His omlet empire will rule forever
- Sergeant Ryder– Thank you for keeping us safe and for bearing the weight of having the coolest pants. You knew none of us could handle it, but you could
- The ghost of Aaron Burr. Thank you for being there when I need advice or when I just need a shoulder to cry on
- And to all of our amazing professors, who have perfected the art of psychological warfare. Look out, Geneva!
Celebrating these campus all-stars, the band forms our love and admiration for our faculty and staff and plays All Star
[Band forms a heart and plays “All Star”]
It’s almost midterms week! Is everyone excited? I know what you’re more excited for though… Our Double Double Rotating P!
[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]
I really should study. Run away band!
Halftime:
We’ve seen what’s in the cheese caves, but we’ll never tell– it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band Marches on to Forward]
39th President of the United States James Earl Carter Jr. woke up Sunday morning, his 99th birthday, and began to worry that he will never die. The peanut farmer takes a moment to reflect on the long life he has lived and what else there could possibly be for him to do. He is a US Navy Veteran, a Nobel Peace Prize winner, founder of FEMA and the Department of Education, and– most importantly– the only President to publicly claim to have seen a UFO. According to the very reputable news site The Onion, Jimmy has completed a four minute mile, won the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest, and will go on to compete in a boxing match against both Mark Zuckerburg and Elon Musk. No one can stop him.
The band forms Jimmy’s unbreakable spirit and plays Don’t Stop Me Now.
[Band forms blob and plays “Don’t Stop Me Now”]
Jimmy Carter is the oldest president and the first to be born in a hospital. He has now lived six years longer than his successor, Ronald Reagan, who was born in an apartment building. Jimmy knows, however, that the secret to his long life is not western medicine, but a far rarer cure, which he found once elected President of the United States.
He remembers his first day in office and the visit of the great alien race that rules our galaxy. When Jimmy introduced them to the wonder of the peanut, they bowed down in awe. When the aliens warped back to their planet proclaiming Jimmy as their leader, their constituents wondered, “what makes this human so powerful?” The aliens replied by holding out a handful of peanuts. “These peanuts,” they proclaimed. These weren’t any ordinary nuts, however. They had been imbued by the great and powerful Peanut Grower of the galaxy. Jimmy had the honor of receiving this holy gift, which has blessed him with everlasting life. He shall live, forever praying to the Great Peanut Grower in gratitude.
A monolith to Jimmy’s long life, the band forms a peanut and plays Livin’ on a Prayer.
[Band forms a peanut and plays “Livin’ on a Prayer”]
We must go seek the Great Peanut! Run away band!
Brown 2023
October 14, 2023
Princeton at Brown
Brown wins 28-27
Pregame:
Willing to become speaker of the house, but only on a temporary basis for a 30, 60, or 90 day period– it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
According to Pew Research, Rhode Island has among the highest percentages of adults who do not identify with either of the two major political parties. The Band, ever the opportunists, wish to capitalize on this and are taking this pre-game show to launch our own political party: the Barty. We’ve devised a list of the Barty’s most pressing concerns:
- The Rhode Island flag should be replaced by a black and orange plaid pattern
- Halloween should be a federal holiday with mandatory orange and black garb
- Yale is abolished as an institution
- More oil on birds
- Pantless third quarter means the entire third fiscal quarter of every year
And as for our position on current education policy, well, all we have to say is… the kids aren’t alright. And we’ll form a book while we’re at it, for emphásis.
[Band forms a rectangle and plays the “Kids Aren’t Alright”]
In today’s polarized political environment, one thing I think we can all agree on is our love for our Double Double Rotating P!
[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]
Run away Band; you’re going to lose the election to unsubstantiated voter fraud! It’s all rigged!
Halftime:
Football game tonite? Football game tonite queen? It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton, Forward March]
In 1993, our band’s halftime show here at Brown touched on a variety of topics while discussing various incompetents in society at the time. Let’s see where these incompetents are now!
- NASA, proud parents of the Hubble Orbiting Space Doorstop and the Mars Eavesdropper:
- NASA’s $10 billion keg parties have not come to light, but James Webb is working for now! Although the nation’s manned spaceflight seems to have fallen in the hands of one Elon Musk
- Dan Quayle’s parents, for creating Dan Quayle
- Dan Quayle has also procreated, presumably fostering another generation of children who cannot spell “potato” correctly
Since most of us were born in this century, we only know of one mid 90s VP, Al Gore. Mostly as a guest star on beloved American sitcom 30 Rock.
Forming Al Gore’s favorite topic of conversation, the band forms oil / the tears of failed presidential candidates and plays You Can Call Me Al.
[Band forms a tear drop and plays “You Can Call Me Al”]
Next up on the list of incompetents:
- The Brown Band
- We love the Brown Band now. But we have other enemies.
- “President” Hillary Clinton, who in 1993 had recently spoken to Brown University students about her healthcare plan
- Hillary at least tried to become president for real this time. It’s like the Band is almost prophetic!
- We still don’t have healthcare, though, so no free ride for us
Against the guidelines defined in the Geneva convention, the Band forms a (red) cross and plays Free Ride.
[Band forms + and plays “Free Ride”]
I wonder what Al Gore’s up to… Run away band!
Harvard 2023
October 21, 2023
Harvard at Princeton
Princeton wins 21-14
Pregame:
Several crustaceans in a trench coat– it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
We’d like to extend a wahm welcome to all of the Hahvahd fans in attendance today. We know that living in Massachusetts is wicked hahd and that visiting us in New Jersey is a great relief. Please take your time to soak in the atmosphehe of the Gahden state. Take a load off, decompress from the stress of Hahvahd Yahd. Here at Princeton, life is easy, sporting our orange and black. Nothing like the Hahvahd crimson– you’re as red as a lobstuh!
Band forms the ugly crimson and plays Rock Lobster.
[Band forms a lobster claw and plays Rock Lobster]
Enough of that band! You’ll scare the children! Time for the Double Double Rotating P!
[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]
Run away band! I think I might have a shellfish allergy
Halftime:
Who up experiencing prophetic visions? It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Forward]
The Band has always been a little… less than normal. Some people might even say our experiences are PARANORMAL. Here are a few examples:
- In 1967, the Band’s formation spelling “ABC” magically transfigured to “NBC” while ABC was broadcasting our show
- In 1989, the Band suffered a Rock Lobster Fever, and was unable to stop writhing around on the ground for 6 business days.
- In 2023, our Drum Major was mysteriously replaced by a wizard
Why does this keep happening to us?
Wait, huh? The crowd is chanting to burn us as witches? What?
The band forms itself being engulfed in flames and plays Great Balls of Fire.
[Band forms a flame and plays “Great Balls of Fire”]
[Julia gestures importantly at the announcing box]
Oh, the wizard has something to say… THIS JUST IN. Information is being revealed to our drum major via vision.
Apparently, founder of the Band Charles Schneider, class of 1750, was actually a witch. In fact, he narrowly escaped the Salem Witch Trials of 1692 after facing accusations involving the death of John “Conehead” Harvard. He died mysteriously young– 30 years old, he was just a kid– although founding an institution as rife with horror and heartache as Harvard must take a few decades off one’s life. In any case, Johnny boy was enjoying some of his favorite flavorless pilgrim ham, when suddenly, he felt death’s icy, lethal fingers clench around his throat. What could have caused this swift, just end?
[Band plays Also Sprach Zarathustra and flashes…
SERVE FATAL HAM
SET HARV AFLAME
SIS BOOM AHHHH! ]
Run away band! The pilgrim is after us!
Cornell 2023
October 28, 2023
Princeton at Cornell
Princeton wins 14-3
Cornell did not allow us to read our pregame OR halftime shows. They did, however, announce the final line of the halftime show:
Run away band! Let’s go trick-or-treating at the Cornell fraternity residences!
Dartmouth 2023
November 3, 2023
Princeton at Dartmouth
Dartmouth wins 23-21
Pregame:
It’s big, it’s plaid, it’s probably [redacted], it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
We, the Band, would like to pitch a new mascot for Dartmouth: Darty Marty– short for Darting Martin. We are huge fans of Keggy the Keg, of course, but understand if the university – I mean college – feels apprehensive about officially supporting such a symbol of revelry and merriment. We imagine Darty Marty to be something like another American hero, memorialized in a song by one of our favorite bands.
Band forms american pie and plays “Buddy Holly”
[Band forms oval and plays “Buddy Holly”]
A long, long time ago I can still remember how that music used to make me smile. You know what else makes me smile?? Our DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING P!!
[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”]
What’s with these homies, dissing my girl? Run away, band!
Halftime:
Nothing gold can stay, if you know what we mean– it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton, Forward March]
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and, sorry that we could not take both, took the road less traveled by. Only through a long and strenuous journey through the backroads of the American North East could we arrive at your institution– I mean college. Something peculiar though, did transpire somewhere along the way. In the woods– lovely, dark, and deep– we came upon what could only be described, I dare say, as… a time warp!
[Band forms a spiral and plays “Time Warp”]
At the other end of this wormhole we emerged from the woods changed, and looking a bit Green I’m sure. We looked upon your campus, I mean college, and found that we had landed unmistakably in the 1980s. We passed by the sorority and fraternity houses, one of them which we were informed was on double secret probation. We witnessed food fights, toga parties, and much merriment– a surprise considering what a joyless experience attending Dartmouth College must be. Fearing for our lives, we decided that to escape the situation absolutely required a futile and stupid gesture. Running back to the Big Green woods, we re-entered the wormhole to find ourselves back in this century. Though your university, I mean college, is far from home, there’s no place we’d rather be.
[Band forms a tree and plays “Rather Be”]
We have promises to keep, and miles to go before we sleep, and miles to go before we sleep. Run away Band!
Yale 2023
November 11, 2023
Yale at Princeton
Yale wins 36-28
Pregame:
We got that dawg in us, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
We, the Band, would like to nominate someone for the next season of the Bachelorette: The Tiger. The Tiger has been proudly representing Princeton since the 1880s, and no doubt will win the hearts of viewers across the country. Not to mention, they would undoubtedly win against the mascot of our competitor. Though Dan is known for his handsomeness, The Tiger will dominate with his dazzling personality. I feel like Handsome Dan would just be there for the zipline. All he would do all day is go on the zipline. But all it will take for The Tiger to be presented with a rose is one look into his eyes.
Band forms true love and plays “Eye of the Tiger”
[Band forms heart and plays “Eye of the Tiger”]
No one can deny our Tiger spirit! Now it’s time for our Double Double Rotating P!
[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]
Go directly to Yale, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Run away band!
Halftime:
I don’t know what any of this is. I’m scared. It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Forward]
Given Yale’s storied history with secret societies, we wanted to talk a little more about one of our own secret societies, which is often mistaken for the Yale Skull and Bones: the Trombone Society. As compared to the Brotherhood of Death, our society is the Brotherhood of… loving acceptance. However, just like the Skull and Bones Society, all members are called Bonesmen. Not to worry, this is not a frat! It is actually a bicker eating club. The Trombone society eating club plan consists of cool ranch doritos and room temperature canned mountain dew, sometimes found already opened on the side of Prospect St. We could really use a case of warm ones—and by that, of course, we mean Mountain Dew.
Band forms a can and plays “Basket Case”
[Band forms rectangle and plays Basket Case]
The Trombone society measures meal swipes with, unsurprisingly, bones! The worms are their money; the bones are their dollars. We need to count how many meal swipes we have left. [aggressive “The Count” from Sesame St. voice:] OOONNNNE BONE!! AH AH AH!! TTTWWWWOOOO BONES!! AH AH AH!! THREEEEEEEEE BONES!!! AH AH AH!!! Well, only three bones left now. I guess this is the Final Countdown.
Band forms a worm and plays “Final Countdown”
[Band forms squiggle and plays Final Countdown]
Fans, please join us in celebrating members of the Band in the Great Class of 2024:
- Natasha Hurwitch
- Henry Erdman
- Jian Arnold
- Helen Brush
- Brandon McNeely
- Daniel Flyer
PLEASE LET ME GO PLEASE LET ME GO FIRST!! I’M DOING SOMETHING!!! Run away, Band!
Penn 2023
November 18, 2023
Princeton at Penn
Princeton wins 31-24
Pregame:
We did not perform our pregame show before the game because the field was not cleared. Instead, it was merged with our halftime show; see below.
Halftime:
Heyyyy Natasha, I lost my script so I’m just going to go for it. It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band scrambles onto field]
The Band would like to pay tribute to our glorious president who has ruled with an iron fist and has never let us run afoul of Rights, Rules, and Responsibilities. Natasha Hurwitch, who is definitely a real witch, has passed her years here in Princeton studying to become a linguist. To prove her language skills, the next portion will be read in different languages. Isthay artpay isyay inyay igpay atinlay. Denna del är på svenska. [pause] That one was in American Sign Language. Now Natasha’s probably feeling all proud of herself. Well, we have a message for you, Natasha!
[Band forms Mouth and plays Shut Up and Dance]
Oh, Natasha, did you not have the sheet music for that song? Where is your folder? You lost it again? Oh my lordy. Natasha keeps on asking for more music! Deforestation can’t keep up the paper supply! Quick, Band, make a packet for Natasha!
The Band forms a Double Double Rotating manilla folder and plays Land of 1000 Music Packets
[Band forms double rotating rectangles and plays Land of 1000 Dances]
Run away, Band—I hear Taylor Swift’s about to announce Reputation Taylor’s Version!
[THE REAL HALFTIME SHOW:]
Corrupting the youth since 1919, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
The Band would like to take a long, hard, look at corruption. Take, for example, outstanding United States senator, Bob Menendez of New Jersey. The news cycle has forgotten about that Egyptian money, but we haven’t! We still want our cut! Come on, Bob! Maybe we’ll consider not advertising it to football stadiums full of people if we get our fair share.
Forming Bob Menendez’s trip to Egypt, the Band plays “Holiday”
[Band forms triangle and plays Holiday]
On his fully funded extended Egyptian Vacation, Bob Menendez will have plenty of time to explore Egyptian culture. Like the pyramids—the ones that the aliens built. Yeah, you heard me right. The aliens. We’re friends with them. They taught us how to put Nitrogen in the soil. Now the soil is Nitrogen rich. My corn crop will grow very nicely. Well at least, that’s the impression that I get.
Band forms an ear of corn and plays “The Impression That I Get”
[Band forms a pointed oval and plays Impression]
And now, on behalf of Band President and resident Swiftie Natasha Hurwitch, who, as you
probably saw from our pregame show, loves to keep us librarians on our toes, Drum Major,
updater of the oft-ignored band calendar, and Swedish citizen at heart Julia Hutto, Treasurer
Kalena Bing, who, like the good father she is, tirelessly waits for our doordashes in the cold New
Jersey air every Sunday, Head Manager, beloved hoagie provider, and skipper of arch gigs
Megan Hannon, and Student Conductor and P.U.B. Converse wearer Cas Royalty, who is
undoubtedly the single most interesting, most stylish, and overall coolest English major in the
upper officer corps, this is your announcer in absentia, Jacob Jackson, notorious polysectional,
signing off. It’s truly been an honor serving as the only announcer left allowed to read these
shows… most of the time. Thank you.
Finally, for the last time…Run away, band, before EgyptAir breaks another one of our quads
cases!
Princeton University Band 