2022 Football Season
Team Record: 8-2
Band Record: 10-0
Stetson 2022
Princeton at Stetson
September 17, 2022
Princeton wins 39-14
The Band was unfortunately not able to attend this game. Instead, we went to Six Flags and had a fun weekend, though it was admittedly less fun that it would have been watching our team decimate some Floridians.
Lehigh 2022
Lehigh at Princeton
September 24, 2022
Princeton wins 29-17
Pregame:
Le- Hi!!
Le- Hello!
Le- Greetings!
Le- Howdy!
Le- Shalom!
l’chaim
It’s le-Princeton UUUUUUniversity band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
Clutch the Mountain Hawk is awfully high up in the Mountains, but he’s gotta come down. Being terribly high makes it hard for Clutch to make it to class and keep his GPA extremely high. Your university is of course, really highly respected for its academics, and Clutch wants to at least try to uphold its reputation. But unfortunately, Clutch met some definiteLy High delinquents who were up to no good, to whom Clutch said, “LeHigh knew you were trouble.”
[Band forms a group of delinquents and plays I Knew You Were Trouble]
Get it together Band; get into an actual formation this time! Wait—is the ground spinning? Or is that just our double-double rotating P??
[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”]
Halftime:
*yodeling sounds* *end in yodeLEHIGH* it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
After dealing with those delinquents, Clutch decided to treat himself to a much needed break and took a couple weeks up high in the mountains. When he got back, he texted us, his good friends in the Princeton University Band, about the great ski hill he had seen on his journey. We thought to ourselves, “we’ve had a rough first three weeks of class. We deserve a break too!” Time to revive the great Band Ski Trip!
[Band forms a mountain and plays Holiday]
In our daring escape from the human meat grinder that is a semester at Princeton, we were able to get high enough to arrive at the peak. Amid the beautiful views, we had a sudden realization: there was no snow yet.
In despair, we sought out the Queen of Snow, Elsa. She just told us to “let it go” and went back to being high on her mountain. Instead, she sent her delegate, Yosuf the Yodeling Yeti. He spoke thus: <yodel>. We’re not sure what that means, but he’s not going to stop us from skiing! We don’t know where the snow is, but we’re going to ski anyway! We are unstoppable!
[Band forms a ski pole and plays Don’t Stop Me Now]
Run away Band, Yosuf the Yodeling Yeti is traumatized by our sheer size!
Columbia 2022
Princeton at Columbia
October 2, 2021
Princeton wins 24-7
Columbia did not let us perform a show for pregame or halftime, and instead played canned music from the speakers. If you find this unjust, please direct your complaints to Columbia’s Athletics department at 212-854-0043.
Lafayette 2022
Princeton at Lafayette
October 8, 2022
Princeton wins 23-2
Lafayette did not allow us to perform a show at either pregame or halftime, and, in fact, sent a campus police officer to monitor us on our pre-game marcharound. I don’t get it–why don’t they trust us?
Brown 2022
Brown at Princeton
October 14, 2022
Princeton wins 35-19
An allegorical shadow on the allegorical cave wall, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Cannon Song”]
The year is 1764…AD. Hundreds of unassuming high school graduates are making their way to the Eastern Seaboard in search of the Jersey reality life. When they arrive on the campus of Princeton University, a mystical transformation occurs, and they suddenly believe that they are looking at reality. Their hands are bound, and it is dark and musty with no right answers—it’s like precept. Dancing upon the wall they see money and people working in consulting, drinking LaCroix and experiencing the taste of a single raspberry in the Atlantic Ocean. Everything is so happy. Or, maybe that’s just the impression that they got.
[Band forms the lone raspberry that flavors all the Lacroix on the eastern seaboard and plays “The Impression That I Get”]
Suddenly, right before this football game, the shackles were broken; the band was free! There’s so much more room out here! So much more room to do our… DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING P!
[Band forms double-double rotating P and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”]
Run away band, before President Eisgruber chains you to the cave wall again!
Halftime:
Spelunking in your caves, if you know what we mean, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March”]
It’s so much brighter outside of that cave! Everything is so much better since we’ve come out of our cave; we’ve been doing just fine.
[Band forms a smiley face and plays “Mr. Brightside”]
We’re so happy to have emerged from the cave and found ourselves in the land of the free and the home of the brave. Please rise as we honor this wonderful bright land with the playing of the national anthem ….OF CANADA.
[band forms a hockey stick and plays “O Canada”]
Sadly, the beautiful land of poutine, maple syrup, and faulty French couldn’t save us from the madness of seeing the world as it truly is: a world where people get jobs outside of Wall Street and where most people do not reach the Holy Raspberry. What do we think of all of it? We’ll tell you:
[Band forms the holy raspberry and plays “I’m a Believer”]
Run away, band! Everything can be solved with the power of songs from the Shrek soundtrack!
Harvard 2022
Princeton at Harvard
October 21, 2022
Princeton wins 37-10
Pregame:
Our elections are harder than yours: It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
Have you struggled to keep your endowment and rankings up with age? Do you have trouble getting an election? Some places, particularly those that like the color red like North Korea, really struggle to get their electorate up and choose to just lock them up instead. However, the USA’s endurance is unparalleled, holding elections every other year since 1790. Recently, they’ve been hotter and heavier than ever. This year, we are about to reach the climax of the midterms! Oh! We’re almost there… Where are you, Harvard? It’s the final countdown!
Band forms Harvard’s drooping electorate and plays Final Countdown.
[Band forms Harvard’s drooping electorate and plays Final Countdown]
Oh the sweet, sweet ecstasy of participatory democracy. It leaves our heads spinning, swirling, imagining, whirling, pinwheeling, beyblading, and cartwheeling, just like our double-double rotating P!
[Band forms double-double rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]
Run away band, and tell all these hooligans to register to vote!
Halftime:
It’s the refreshing taste of all 23 flavors of the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
Heyyy Harvard, couldn’t help but notice that dashing shade of red you’re wearing. Also couldn’t help but notice that it looks just like the logo of our favorite soda: Dr. Pepper! Here are some fun facts about Dr. Pepper: It was first introduced in 1885, making it older than Coca-Cola! The recipe is a trade secret and is kept as two halves in separate safety deposit boxes in Dallas. Dr. Pepper used to be called a “Waco” because it was invented in Waco, TX. Coincidentally, “Daddy’s Money” used to be called a “Cambridge!”
Band celebrates this fact by forming a dollar bill and playing “Free Ride.”
[Band celebrates this fact by forming a dollar sign and playing “Free Ride.”]
Seeing as the Princeton band is visiting you all on our fall break, we wanted to express condolences to the less well-endowed. We recommend a nice, crisp Dr Pepper to comfort you during this time of hardship. Dr Pepper’s 41 mg of caffeine keep us awake during our long nights studying—since our classes are actually hard. While you all can coast through October without a vacation, we tigers are turning into a… basket case.
Band forms can of dr pepper/rectangle/pile of homework and plays “Basket Case.”
[Band forms can of dr pepper/rectangle/pile of homework and plays “Basket Case.”]
Run away band! Harvard’s grade inflation might be contagious!
Cornell 2022
Cornell at Princeton
October 29, 2022
Princeton wins 35-9
Pregame:
Menacingly orange, it’s the Princeton UUUUUUUniversity Band!
We must unite around our dear leader President She-… I mean President Eisgruber as the lifelong core of Princeton University, raise high the great banner of capitalism with American characteristics, and set forth on the great rejuvenation of the American nation.
We must fight onward against the Red Menace, forming our Committee against Pervasive Extraneous Non-donation Investment Stifling. The Red Menace’s agenda has gone too far; they are spreading their ideological contagion, giving us all a BIG RED INFECTION.
[Band forms a bacterium and plays “Moskau”]
Oh, you thought the big red we are speaking out against is communism? You’ve got it all wrong. We’re a liberal arts college, communism has a permanent home here. No, the true Big Red we must fight against is not the soda either. No, our true enemy, the Big Red itself, is Cornell. Battle onward, Princeton consulting comrades! We must redouble our efforts… into our DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING P!!!
[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”]
Halftime:
I can’t imagine a more beautiful thing, it’s corn(abrupt stop)—-I mean the Princeton UUUUUUniversity Band!
For today’s show, we thought we would introduce you all to one of our band members: Daniel, known by baristas as Danielle. Daniel belongs to the great class of 2024 and the less great island of Long. Contrary to popular belief, it’s actually very average size. Daniel is currently our only trombone player, so we think he deserves some high praise, if you know what we mean. We’re not sure why Daniel is our only bone player…perhaps he goes too hard? Regardless, he holds down the fort, blowing out bone solos with ease as fans watch in awe. He’s a real rockstar of the band, you might say he’s a rock lobster.
[Band forms a bone and plays Rock Lobster]
If you haven’t caught on already, while Cornell may have many trombones to our single one, our trombonist is far superior. In fact, an influx in funding allowed us to send him to an intensive trombone program. After long days and strenuous nights of practice… actually, we can’t talk about that — you know what they say, what happens at band camp stays at band camp. Nevertheless, we are proud to announce that Daniel is officially tromBONING CERTIFIED.
[Band plays Also Sprach Zarathustra and flashes…
[TROM]BONING CERTIFIED*
BIG RED INFECTION
YAYYY PRINCETON!]
*Editor’s note: We forgot the TROM on the field. Our sincerest apologies.
Dartmouth 2022
Dartmouth at Princeton
November 5, 2022
Princeton wins 17-14
Choosing the D-Plan, it’s the Princeton UUUUUniversity Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Cannon Song”]
It’s truly a miracle that the Dartmouth football team managed to find their way out of the forest and into the glorious state of New Jersey. As the smallest Ivy League school far away from the real world, they must truly relate to their motto: “the voice of one crying out in the wilderness.” Dartmouth is truly in THE MIDDLE of New Hamshirtucky.
[Band forms a tree and plays The Middle]
On our last trip to Dartmouth, we got so lost that we had to bypass our A, B, and C plans, and resort to the worst of all options, our D-Plan. Coincidentally, they call it the D-Plan because it’s the average grade of Dartmouth students. What exactly is our D-plan, you ask? Well, there’s always majoring in geography at Dartmouth, where the final exam is finding the school. But you know what marks the spot on our maps? Our DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING P!
[Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”]
Halftime:
Agitating, Educating, and Legislating, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March”]
Welcome to our visitors, the Dartmouth…. wait, what was their mascot again? Unofficially, they consider Keggy the Keg their mascot. We can’t say we’re surprised. We believe in the power of temperance, and in fact, believe we should REINSTATE THE 18TH AMENDMENT. While the Dartmouth alma mater may say they have granite for brains, here at the Princeton University Band we don’t endorse underage OR overage drinking. PROHIBITION WAS THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN TO THIS COUNTRY. Anyway. Here’s Holiday.
[Band forms a bottle of water and plays “Holiday”]
Dartmouth, along with this whole nation, needs a new birth of freedom and temperance. After the reinstitution of prohibition, we recommend that Dartmouth consider a new mascot with the flavor of a sole strawberry in Lake Ontario: Roy LaCroix. You see, at Princeton, we get drunk on love and friendship instead of alcohol.
[Band forms heart and plays “Love Drunk”]
Run away band, before the Dartmouth students peer pressure you into selling your soul!
Yale 2022
Princeton at Yale
November 12, 2022
Princeton loses 20-24
We accidentally showed up late and didn’t make it to Yale in time for the pregame show. Oopsies.
Halftime:
Who let the dogs out??? It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March”]
In order to prepare for our trip this weekend, we spent some time googling all of the most important information about Yale. It’s located in New Haven, Connecticut, its colors are blue and white, and its mascot is- wait what? A bulldog? As members of PBETAA- no, not that one, we’re talking about PBETAA with two A’s and a silent B (Princeton Band Ends Terrible Animal Abuse)- we would like to CONDEMN Yale’s usage of the bulldog mascot. We think it’s really sad to subject a poor animal to such cruelty.
[Band forms a sad face and plays “Summertime Sadness”]
Not only can bulldogs not breathe due to their smushed noses, we can’t imagine the horror of being forced to live in New Haven, surrounded by Yalies, which is the real abuse. Forcing a dog to live in a place where you might find hordes of people wearing pastel pants and boat shoes or have to encounter whatever a Whiffenpoof is is the worst fate of all. We would rather be subjected to raining fire and damnation than let that poor dog stay in Yale any longer.
[Band forms pastel pants and plays “Great Balls of Fire”]
Run away band, before you’re forced to join a country club!
Penn 2022
Penn at Princeton
November 19, 2022
Princeton loses 19-20
Pregame:
Where are our socks? Are they under the bench? Toes exposed – It’s the Princeton University band!
[Band scrambles onto the field]
While our glorious leader Hank has enough riches to go around, he’s decided to cut back on his online foot photography related purchases and instead source his toe pictures from within the band. Due to rising inflation, most of Hank’s budget is now going towards his daily gallon of milk.
[Band forms a glass of milk and plays Barad-Dur, or was it Gondor? Isengard?]
Henry Richard Ingham, our resident Florida Man and kilt-wearer, can rest assured that the Band will always have his back, as we’re usually laughing with him rather than at him (usually). From his speeding ticket for doing 90 on a 55 to his crippling procrastination, we always stick by Hank through his questionable decisions. Well, except the time that we didn’t actually elect him president and chose someone else instead.
Band forms a Double-Double Rotating Foot and plays the second best Weezer song. [“Buddy Holly”]
Halftime:
Mischievous Impish Little Freaks, it’s Princeton UuuuUuniversity Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March”]
To commemorate the final football game of the 2022 season, we have a special treat for today’s halftime show. Here today to discuss the outcome of the 2022 midterm elections, we have Princeton University President Christopher L. Eisgruber and Former President of the United States Barack Obama.
Eisgruber voice: Hello everybody, I love Princeton and Olives. I’m joining you for this athletic contest because Man, I Love Football!
Obama voice: Folks, this is Barack, I love democracy and my beautiful wife, Michelle. Michelle: Incredibly Lovable Firstlady. I’m happy to support the Patroclus to my Achilles, the current president, and gay lover, Joe Biden.
E: Now, Barack, tell me how you’re feeling now that the results of this election are finally out. Here at Princeton, we’re big fans of voting and preserving democracy before ‘Merica is lost forever.
O: Midterms: Isn’t Life Fun? *Obama laugh* I’m incredibly proud that we secured many important seats and prevented a red wave. Man, I Love Fetterman! The excitement of voters may be wearing off, but I feel it still.
[Band forms a ballot box (rectangle inside a rectangle) and plays “Feel It Still”]
E: Now I’d like to talk about some issues closer to home. Many of our students are mourning the Miserable Indescribable Loss of First (college). But other than this loss, the construction has caused absolutely no issues whatsoever to campus life and no disruptions to students.
O: Infrastructure is important. Mister, infrastructure is literally fundamental!
E: Some students have complained, however, that all the dust and dirt around the campus is making it feel like a volcanic eruption.
[Band forms a volcano and plays “Pompeii”]
And now, on behalf of Band President Hank Ingham, a calcium abundant man who can never find his socks, Drum Major, Webkinz Mother, and Dr. Pepper consumer Maya Jaaskelainen, who treats us like her mischievous teenage children she wishes she never had, our lovely Taylor Swift Ticket Securer, snack provider, and Treasurer, Natasha Hurwitch, Head Manager Helen “Ahh” Brush, POV: avid acorn collector, and Student Conductor Andrew DeNeve, who still hasn’t learned that we will steal his pants and will not look at him for the tempo, these are your Co-Announcers, Paige Landry, most important libe for sure, and Chris Slavin, Microwaved White Bread and Ketchup Sandwich, signing off. We are grateful to conclude the football season with a record of 10-0, because of course, the band is always undefeated. Thank you.
Run away band, before the demolishing teams come for the Armory!
Princeton University Band 