2021 Football Season
Team Record: 9-1 (Ivy League Co-Champions)
Band Record: 10-0
Lehigh 2021
Princeton at Lehigh
September 18, 2021
Princeton wins 32-0
Halftime:
Coming in clutch, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches in to “Princeton Cannon Song”)
We at Princeton wanted to take our halftime show to admire your splendiferous mascot. He glides in and out of Lehigh’s campus, captivating all who get the privilege of seeing him. Clutch, we would be honored for you to bless us with your exciting presence! And don’t just visit New Jersey once–please, keep coming again and again! After all, a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush, and Clutch isn’t your typical bird. He devours worms by the dozen, he’s really “fly” and he fills up the nest just right. Some people might claim that Clutch would never go for a band like us since “birds of a feather flock together,” but we say “different strokes for different folks”! I guess it’s really up to Clutch himself; he can have it any way he wants it.
(The band forms a bird and plays “Any Way You Want It”)
Clutch is quite the mascot, indeed. Look at him there now, in the sky! He’s circling his prey and getting ready to strike, just like our circling, spiraling, inevitable double-double rotating P!
(Band forms double-double rotating P and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)
Run away Band, this big cat’s about to be eaten!
Stetson 2021
Stetson at Princeton
September 25, 2021
Princeton wins 63-0
Pregame:
Oh my furry whiskers, I’m late, I’m late, I’m late! It’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to “Princeton Cannon Song”)
One fine spring morning the band was drowsing on the steps of Prospect House, when along came Ron Desantis wearing a waistcoat and a rabbit costume. “Oh no! I’m late!” he cried, frantically looking at his pocket watch. For neither at Harvard nor at Yale (where he got his degrees) did he learn anything of practical use at all, including time management.
Desiring to paint him green and spank him like a disobedient avocado, the band followed him stealthily through the underbrush. Suddenly! He disappeared and the band found ourselves falling down a long, dark, Ron Desantis-shaped hole. When we were pulled out of the hole, we saw a sign that said “Stop 1: Deland, Florida.” Uh oh, here come the Mad Hatters. Their anger is directed at us!
Turning around to see rabbit Ron Desantis again, the Band plays “I Knew You Were Trouble.”
(Band forms bunny face and plays “I Knew You Were Trouble”)
We blow up their supply of hats with phosphorus and now they’re REALLY mad.
(Band forms double double rotating phosphorus atom and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)
Run away Band, the madder hatters are out for blood!
Halftime:
Snacking on horse dewormer since before it was cool, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March”)
Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Johnny B. He enrolled in the HATS program in his local town—the High Achieving Talented Students program, where he saw the movie “Water Boy” with Adam Sandler. From then on he knew that what he wanted to do with his life was to be a waterboy for the best football team in the state–Stetson University. But there was a problem. Johnny had to get very, very high to get up the hill Stetson’s field was on. He would huff and puff, his lungs burning as he climbed higher and higher, but when he finally got to the field, oh the sweet relief.
He was such a frequent flier, as they called him, that the team wanted him to get even more involved. So, he put on the hat he was destined for and became Stetson’s mascot. Once on the way to the field, however, he got too high and climbed all the way to heaven. The man up top saw Johnny coming and recognized his hat. Surprised but impressed at just how high Johnny had climbed and how naughty he’d been, the Lord sighed and said “Johnny, be good” and it was
so.
(Band forms a halo and plays “Johnny B. Goode”)
Newly evangelized, John B. decided to venture out into the rest of the state of Florida to see what he had been missing being up so high this whole time. After witnessing a Florida man throw an alligator into a Burger King, and with deadly virus clogging the air, he stumbled across a fellow Florida man. This one lived in a place called Mar-a-Lago and was talking to Ron DeSantis, still in his bunny costume. After hearing headlines like “Florida man eats own face,” Johnny decided he had no choice but to confront them. He was, after all, on a mission from God. So he walked right into Mar-a-Lago and did what he was second-best at: chanting Stetson’s motto. “Go Green, and Fight White!” This was too progressive for the Florida men present, who told him he was not a true patriot. Johnny decided maybe he’d have better reception up north.
The Band forms a snowflake and plays “O Canada.”
(Band forms snowflake and plays O Canada.)
Run away Band, Florida is not a safe space for you!
Columbia 2021
Columbia at Princeton
October 2, 2021
Princeton wins 24-7
Pregame
Friends, Romans, Audience Members, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to “Princeton Cannon Song”)
We come to bury the Columbia Band, not to praise them.
The Orgo Nights that bands do live after them;
The flask is oft interred with their instruments;
So let it be with Columbia.
The noble Bored Hath told you the Band was on a limb;
If so, it was their grievous fault.
So grievous, in fact, that they riggidy recked themselves and no longer exist! They got dis-banded while we were all stuck at home–by THEMSELVES! SHAKESPEARIAN PLOT TWIST, much!
Standing above the corpse of our vanquished foe at last, the Band forms one last lowercase “c” and plays “Kiss ‘Em Goodbye.”
(Band forms “c” and plays “Kiss ‘Em Goodbye”)
In all reality, though, we miss the Columbia Band! You all were good friends and we’re sad to see you go. So sad, in fact, that our lives are spiraling, like our double-double rotating P!
(Band forms double-double rotating P and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)
Run away Band, you’re the scrambliest band left of the Ivies!
Halftime
Disbarred again for travel fraud, somos la banda de la universidad de Princeton!
(Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March”)
After several long, grueling weeks of school, the Band is ready for a vacation! With several thousand Covid dollars in the band budget to blow, we’ve picked out some pamphlets and narrowed down our options to the top 2 vacation spots in the world: the Republic of Colombia and…Columbia University! But it’s so hard to make a decision between the two!
Both have so many high points:
Colombia’s major exports are petroleum, coffee, coal, cut flowers, and bananas.
Columbia’s exported majors are economics, computer science, and selling your soul to
finance.
Colombia has the second-highest biodiversity level in the world.
Several *novel* species of bacteria were discovered in Columbia’s showers just last week!
Both are ranked #60 in quality of life according to US News and World Report.
We need to book our plane ticket today to get the Super-Saver 70%-off deal, so please contact us with your recommendation TODAY at chloedh@princeton.edu. While we decide where to take our Holiday, we’ll get ourselves excited by forming a plane ticket and playing “Holiday.”
(Band forms a plane ticket and plays “Holiday.”)
Heads up, Folks! The responses have come in, and we’re hearing some *alarming* things about Columbia University.
Our most devoted fan, Mr. Sanchez (Mr. Roar-ee the Lion), has let us know that the tell-all docuseries “Narcos” alleges some pretty serious things about the substance habits of Columbia’s best and brightest. Labs in the basement of Havemeyer hall? Secret barges moving up and down the Hudson River? Looks like you’ve been busy, President Lee Bollinger!
Seems like the vacation location decision is basically made for us – we’re headed to New York City! Thanks, Mr. Sanchez! (Thanks, Roar-ee!)
Band forms a line and plays “Children of Sanchez.”
(Band forms a line and plays “Happy” to represent our euphoria.)
Run away, band! They’re here for us. Run! RUN! I don’t know anything, I swear I– AHHHHH
Monmouth 2021
Princeton at Monmouth
October 9, 2021
Princeton wins 31-28
Monmouth did not allow a field show at this game. Nor did they allow us to bring our instruments. In fact, they even made us buy our own tickets. Jerks. But we still went, and we sang instead, so take that, Monmouth!
We had this field show prepared for a nearby peewee football game that ended up not happening due to last-minute cancellation on their end:
Not exactly what you were expecting, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March”]
What precision! Always a joy to watch! Welcome, one and all, to the show of the finest marching band in the country! Ohio State wishes they could do that.
You were expecting a marching band, and you were half right? Well, you’d be totally right if you considered what we’re doing right now to be marching. In fact, it is just an advanced marching technique called scrambling. It is an incredibly precise technique that only a master could teach you. We are only the most sophisticated—hey wait, no, don’t do THAT
to Santa—ahem. The most sophisticated marching band, and we could teach you!
Here are some other advanced marching techniques we could teach you (available at
Princeton only!):
– Marching ALLL the way around a baseball diamond
– Embracing alternative hydration to stay in tipsy-topsy shape
– Wearing socks
– Using a pool table correctly
– Quickly drinking … milk
Your parents might not have the greatest opinion of us right now, but we’re sure you’ll be totally alright. Forming a “P” for Princeton, the Band plays “The Kids Are Totally Alright.”
[Band forms non-rotating P and plays “The Kids Aren’t Alright”]
This is all very far in the future, though–you still have so much childhood ahead of you! Trust us, it only goes downhill from here. But you have so much to enjoy while it lasts, from fun, in-school “drills,” to cool mask choices (ours have holes in them!), to *playing* on the playground.
But by far, the thing that has improved childhood so much since we left is Fortnite. We wish we could’ve accidentally bought hundreds of dollars of V-bucks with Mommy’s credit card and then played the most enriching, educational video game in existence.
That doesn’t work for you either, parents? Well, at this point, I guess we should just shut up and do the Orange Justice.
Band forms a V-buck and plays “Shut Up and Dance.”
[Band forms a coin and plays Shut Up and Dance]
And now, we will leave you in the only way we know how. Run away, Band!
[Band moseys off while playing “Rock Lobster.”]
Brown 2021
Princeton at Brown
October 16, 2021
Princeton wins 56-42
Pregame:
Welcoming you to a major ship show, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Cannon Song.”]
We’re wheely excited to be here in Road Island to see what the bus is all about! It took us gearly two weeks to find you though, since we wanted to sea if we could find you auto there in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean–you claim to be an island, after all! We didn’t want to take the “jeep” option, boat still wanted it to be af-Ford-able, so after renting a canoe from Princeton Canoe Rental at the start of October, we set off on a gl-oar-ious journey through the waterways of central New Jersey to find the ocean. Luckily, we got directions from a trucker on I-95 who took pity on us when we got stuck in a logjam, ferry far off course, otherwise your gas is as good as mine as to where we would current-ly be.
“Water you doing?” said the trucker. His name was Bruno bear, and one of his legs was missing.
“Rowing to road island to see the brown band! RV there yet?”
“Don’t you know that the best way to get to road island is to follow the roads? All roads lead to Rhode, after all! And it’s my way or the highway”
Aw truck! I guess we’re still in the middle of our journey…
Band forms a canoe and plays “The Middle.”
But what is a journey if not the friends we make along the way? The Brown Band are our friends! We love them so much, in fact, that they let us borrow their Brown ship to get to Road Island.
The Brown Ship is large and buoyant, though rather water-logged. To complement this beautiful ship, the band forms a double-double rotating P!
[Band forms double double rotating P and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.”]
Run away, band! All good things must come to a rear-end.
Halftime:
We found all these new members on the street. It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March.”]
Hello, unsuspecting victims! Unbeknownst to all of you, the plan is close to being brought to fruition. What plan, you ask? Why, it’s the complete infiltration of the Brown administration with Princeton’s secret agents.
Oh, don’t act all surprised. You should’ve seen it coming from the very beginning! For Brown’s first president, James Manning, was actually a Princeton graduate! That’s right, we’ve been entrenched in your upper echelons since the start. We sent only our most pure, religious, pious, godly, omniscient, ever-present, always watching Brown for us, affiliate. He’s still watching.
Band forms an eye that never closes and plays “Eye of the Tiger.”
We continue to watch you. Every single moment. But not in an inappropriate way. We have ensconced at your helm Christina Paxson, whom you THINK is on your side. In reality, she came to you after rising the ranks to lead our spy-a school—I mean, SPIA school—and she gives reports to Big Daddy Eisgruber every night before bed. We also have planted an agent in your admissions office—at the very top, in fact. Logan Powell, your Dean of Admissions, has finally taken over the ports of entry to Brown for us. We trained him, too, when he was working for us!
Additionally, in classic Princeton fashion, we’ve exported one of our finest finance snakes, Jane Dietze, to be your chief investment officer. We’re almost as good at this as the KGB!
The Band forms the Kremlin and plays “Moskau.”
We’ve been a diversion this whole time! Run away band – our cover has been blown!
Harvard 2021
Harvard at Princeton
October 23, 2021
Princeton wins 18-16 (5 OT)
Pregame:
The unfortunate result of an evolutionary bottleneck, it’s the Princeton University Band!
If you’ve been on campus recently, you’ve noticed all the students’ sniffles and coughs and hemorrhaging. Is it Covid? We wish; then we’d get a free room and meal delivery in 1967 Hall.
The Princeton plague, however, has nothing on the newest concerning disease: the Cambridge Crimson Carcinization. Believed to have jumped the species barrier from Harvard econ majors to humans, this highly contagious sickness causes you to boil from the inside out, causing death. Victims are found steaming and as crimson as a cooked lobster.
Band does not socially distance and plays “Rock Lobster.”
Band, stop faking death! The insurance company is wise to our tricks after the last 3 times. Just get into the double-double rotating P!
Run away Band, we have to crash our own funeral!
Halftime:
irmly grasping a tree branch, it’s the Princeton University Band!
Once upon a time, the researchers cooped up in the neuroscience building basement consumed 33 and a half five hour energy drinks on a dare and created the world’s most terrifying abominations yet known to science: hyper intelligent sloths, Slothus nerdiestus. After a decade of plotting, the sloths infiltrated all of our upper administrative positions and secretly took over the university, with one sloth clawing his way to the very top. All hail Slothgruber, the great and terrible!
Band forms a brain and plays “Game of Thrones.”
With their formidable brainpower and boundless deliberation ruling Princeton with an iron fist, we know for sure that not only will Princeton provide the slowest possible response to any crisis, it will also be the most well-thought out. In fact, Sloth brain power has skyrocketed us to the top of the US News and World report list for the 11th consecutive year. Harvard wishes they had a dozen hyper-intelligent sloths running their show. Instead, they got a three way tie for second place.
[Band forms an arc and plays “Also Sprach Zarathustra.”]
[Band flashes 12 NERDIEST SLOTHS]
[Band flashes 2ND IS THE 1ST LOSER]*
[Band flashes PRINCETON IS BACK!]
Run away band, the sloths are creating yet another committee!
*Editor’s note: this one was botched pretty badly during the show, to the point of being unreadable. Oh well. That was our intended phrase, for what it’s worth.
Cornell 2021
Princeton at Cornell
October 29, 2021
Princeton wins 34-16
Pregame:
Not exactly what you were expecting, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March”]
What precision! Always a joy to watch! Welcome to the show of the finest band from the GREAT state of New Jersey!
You were expecting a marching band, and you were half right? Well, you’d be totally right if you considered what we’re doing right now to be marching. In reality, it is just an advanced skill called scrambling, an incredibly sophisticated marching technique.
What exactly are the secrets of scrambling? You have to first vigorously mix the eggs, then fry them–just kidding, you merely need to follow us as we embody a fire drill, the final school bell, and a Black Friday sale at Macy’s, all at the same time!
But now, we will do something impressive and slightly out-of-character. We present: the precise, perfect, picturesque, punctual, potentially perilous, purely performative, painstakingly practiced, double-double rotating P!
[Band forms double-double rotating P and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.”]
Run away, band, we’ve played by the rules and we deserve a lollipop!
Halftime:
With the knowledge that tomatoes are a fruit and the wisdom not to put them in the fruit salad, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March.”]
As some of you may know, Cornell’s newest campaign is “Do the greatest good.” This is why Cornell has achieved something even greater: building a better tomato.
With an eye towards the greatest problems affecting our society today, the new Cherry Ember tomatoes come with a thick skin and a meaty texture, and are less juicy than regular cherry tomatoes, making them less likely to squirt anyone in the eye. With a remarkable creaminess, they’re sure to brighten a consumer’s day, and what’s doing the greatest good if not bringing a spark of joy to tomato eaters.
Forming a big red tomato on a string, the band plays 99 red balloons.
[Band forms a balloon and plays “99 Red Balloons.”]
Here’s a great recipe to go along with your tomatoes: Take five whole Big Red Cherry Ember
tomatoes and add:
– An ear of corn, the favorite snack of the Tigers
– A square of cornbread, the favorite snack of the Tigers’ parents
– A half-cup of corn pudding, the favorite snack of the Tigers’ grandparents
– Six-ninths a cup of candy corn, the favorite snack of young Tigers
– Two gallons of corn syrup, the favorite snack of the Tiger mascot; and
– One tablespoon of corn-based ethanol, the favorite snack of the Princeton Band Van
Finally, remove the five tomatoes.
This recipe is guaranteed to provide any Tiger with a satisfying bite to eat—if you want to spice things up, you could even add in a salty sauce for extra flavor.
Newly deputized in cooking, the band forms a spoon and plays “Corn Drunk.”
[Band forms a spoon and plays “Love Drunk]
Run away Band, Pop Corn is coming!
Dartmouth 2021
Princeton at Dartmouth
November 5, 2021
Princeton loses 7-31
Pregame:
We got a new hamster! It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Cannon Song.”]
Following demand to replace their crude and outdated mascot, Keggy the Keg, Dartmouth has captured the eager essence of their student body in Little Dee the New Hamster. Although often overlooked as “too small” or “not perky enough” by other schools, we accept all shapes and sizes of hamsters. So we visited Little Dee’s home, a treehouse in Little Green, Dartmouth’s claimed most impressive tree. However, in a feeble attempt to stay warm during the harsh Dartmouth winter, we accidentally lit Little Green on fire. Whoops.
Forming the charred remains of Little Green, the Band plays “Not So Great Balls of Fire”
[Band forms a tree and plays “Great Balls of Fire.”]
Our balls of fire were so hot they evicted Little Dee. But never fear! The Princeton Band has something even more exciting in our enormous, impressive, double-double rotating P!
[Band forms a double-double rotating P and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.”]
Run away Band, we don’t need a hamster! Our tiger is literally hundreds of times larger!
Halftime:
I am once again asking for your financial support. It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March.”]
It’s great to be here in New Hampshire—or, as we like to think of you, the upside-down Vermont! Everything here is upside down—Instead of having a famous socialist in the Senate, nobody knows who your senators are! Do you even have enough population to spare two people to go sit on Capitol Hill and do nothing all day?
Vermont has a marked lack of volcanic activity, whereas almost two years ago, the famous volcano Mt. Pompeii erupted in the middle of Dartmouth, incinerating half the student body and forcing the school to shutter its doors for a year.
Forming Mt. Pompeii, the Band plays “Vesuvius.”
[Band forms a volcano and plays “Pompeii.”]
In this crazy, upside-down state, all we have to cling to is our Lord and Savior, the Princeton Spirit that moves through all of us. Let us pray.
O Great and Benevolent Spirit, may you look down from the heights of Fine Hall on your loyal Princetonian creations. We humbly petition you to grant us the strength and courage to be our unique selves, created individually in your image, to dance our own dances, to march in our own winding lines, and to glorify you in song and praise in all we do. May you grant us the grace in our hearts to forgive a rigid world that tries to limit our paths and force us into its rigid confines. Much like the armies of Pharaoh sunk beneath the Orange Sea, we know that with your everlasting love behind us, none shall stand against us. Lead us to salvation and victory over all our foes on the football field and beyond. Sis boom ah.
Band forms a pristine block and forgives our enemies by playing Dartmouth’s in Town Again.
[Band forms block and plays parts of “Dartmouth’s in Town Again” and “Time Warp.”]
Run away band, it’s time to spread the good news!
Yale 2021
Yale at Princeton
November 13, 2021
Princeton wins 35-20
Pregame:
Preparing for our own Viking funeral, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Cannon Song.”]
After the class of 2024 had their Bad Online Not-in-person First Year Residential Experience, BONFYRE for short, the University found themselves with an unfortunate naming clash. If we win the game today, what would the celebratory event be called? In a stroke of genius, the Band suggests “Arson Week.”
For what would raise students’ spirits more than razing First College to the ground? It would save on demolition costs, and at the same time create a bonding experience by kindling friendships among students which will translate into more donations down the line.
For those upset about the plans to burn First College, we could also build a thought-provoking monument outlining both sides to the issue.
Other arson-themed activities could include making extension cord daisy chains, blocking the means of egress, a candle-making study break, and pop-up chemistry labs around campus.
The Band can also provide its services for Arson Week! Forming a match on the field, the Band plays Stop and Shut Up and Drop and Roll and Dance.
[Band forms match and plays “Shut Up and Dance.”]
Man, we can’t seem to stop being fire! Our music is fire! Our uniforms are fire! Our arsonist abilities are fire! Let’s try to shake the fire by rolling around again, in our double-double rotating P!
[Band forms double-double rotating P and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.”]
Run away Band, arson will get you sent to Yale!
Halftime:
Heavily endowed, if ya know what we mean, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March.”]
While the rest of the world was obsessing over bitcoin and ethereum, economists and reddit-users alike up at Yale have created their own cryptocurrency—Bulldogecoin. With their recent 40.2% increase in their endowment, Yale has decided to give back, and will be giving away Bulldogecoin to the top 1% of its donors completely for free. Where can one use Bulldogecoin, you ask? At all of the top Yale attractions!
Want a $9 latte at an upscale New Haven coffee shop? Buy it with Bulldogecoin!
Want to see a one-night-only new age production of Lord of the Flies told entirely in piglatin? Reserve your seat with Bulldogecoin!
Want to experience loss? You can even use Bulldogecoin to purchase tickets to Yale’s football games!
Now, you may be asking, how will this benefit anyone if it’s only distributed to the top 1% of their donors, who are presumably already rich? [long pause] That’s the whole point!
As Peter Salovey, President of Yale, says “I’m a Believer in Crypto!”
[Band forms a coin and plays “I’m A Believer.”]
Instead of spreading the wealth through bulldogecoin, we had some other ideas as to how Yale could use its newly engorged $42.3 billion dollar endowment:
They could give every person on earth a t-shirt that says Yale, and when people wear them, we’ll easily know who the enemy is.
They could donate a large sum to Princeton to have New East and New West Colleges be given the name of their choosing (we suggest Yale two, the electric boogaloo).
[serious voice] They could disassemble the unjust systems of power on which they were founded, cease to perpetuate wealth and privilege, and take full accountability for past actions while contributing meaningfully to stopping the modern manifestations of neocolonialism from which they still profit.
[light-hearted laugh] They could host a hot chocolate study break for all of New Haven!
Any of these could be really, really, fun we think!
The Band sees the bright side of the harsh New Haven winter: warming ourselves around the fire with free hot chocolate! Forming a mug, the Band plays “Mr. Brightside.”
[Band forms a mug and plays “Mr. Brightside.”]
And now, for senior day, give a hand for the band seniors:
Sophia Hu, a history major on the flute.
Monique Legaspi, a computer science major on the snare drum.
Scarlett McNulty, a politics major playing trumpet.
Justin Coon, a music major on the trombone.
David Booth, an Electrical and computer engineering major on the gutter.
Musab Almajnouni. An electrical engineering major on Santa Claus.
Emma Moriarty, a SPIA major on the pumpkins.
Our conductor, Thomas Hontz, a religion major!
And our president, Chloe Holland, the molecular biology major playing the clarinet.
Run away band! The University is upset that the band blew our own endowment on a flame-throwing monster truck!
Penn 2021
Princeton at Penn
November 20, 2021
Princeton wins 34-14
Pregame:
Oh crab, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band scrambles on]
Our fearless leader, Chloe D. Holland, who is not actually from Holland, has recently been admitted to Penn Medical Center for various injuries. These include:
A) Concussion, from joyriding an orange cart
B) Falling out of a window while dealing out plaids from daddy’s pladdies
C) Whiplash from pogo-sticking too hard down all 132 steps of Blair Arch
D) A broken wrist while nonviolently hitting someone (don’t ask us, we don’t know either)
E) Stomach ache from finishing off a whole fridge of ice cream before move out
F) The Penn Band
Our thoughts are with our glorious President as she recovers. Band forms a Band Aid and plays Living on a Prayer.
[band forms bandaid and plays “living on a prayer”]
Chloe, you have led us well and you’ve been a friend and a facilitator of chaos inspiring us all. Now that social distancing is all but over, we just can’t get enough of you. You’re sweet like the ice cream you feed us. Your hair, your hands, your kilt, oh my! Is it banana half-time?
Forming a single-double rotating C for CHLOE! The Band plays “Every Time We Touch.”
[Band forms “C” and plays “Every Time We Touch”]
Run away Band, we’re heading to Chloe’s for Thanksgiving!
Halftime:
Reporter: Reporting live from the scene–
Quaker: I’m a dork!
Reporter: –It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March”]
Reporter: It’s PUB News here at the University of Pennsylvania, and we’re here to investigate who, exactly, the Penn Quaker is. Let’s ask him!
Quaker: aaAAAaaAAAAaAaaaa. hi im the quaker
Reporter: Ahem. So are you actually a Quaker, or are you just so terrified of Tony the tiger that you can’t stop quaking in your boots?
Quaker: How DARE you!? Pacifism is just a thing I say to lure the prospective students in–they don’t call me THE MURDEROUS QUAKER FOR NOTHING AFTER ALL. MUAHAHAHAAA now you are trapped in my evil lair of evilness while I carry out my horrifying plans
Reporter: your WHAT NOW??
Quaker: I will BURN DOWN PRINCETON WITH MY ARMY OF ARSONISTS FROM ACROSS THE GLOBE.
THEY WILL NEVER SEE ME COMING
Reporter: That’s just what you think. Surprise! This whole conversation is currently being broadcast to all of your fans!! Band, form an F for “fire” to tell the world about the Quaker’s several-nation army of arsonists.
[Band forms F and plays “7 Nation Army”]
[siren noises]
Reporter: And here comes Campus safety! Your mascot head will be taken from you and you’ll NEVER get it back!
Quaker: NOOOooooo! Not the head! Please god I need to get my head to live!
Reporter: Sucks for you. Anyway, dear audience, the moral of the story is that the Quaker is still a dork!
The band forms the Quaker’s head and plays “That’s the Impression That I Get.”
[band forms a frowny face and plays “the impression that I get”]
[Announcer sign-off]
And now, on behalf of Band President and sheep-lover Chloe Holland; more-invisible than usual conductor Jian Arnold, and pilferer of my room, name, and heart, drummajor Henry Erdman.
And with gratitude to our heavenly hoagie-proffering progenitor and backup backup announcer, Head Manager Misha Kummel, this is your co-announcing compadre from the 81082 in Trinidad, Colorado, Sally Jane Ruybalid; and this is your carton of milk consuming co-announcer of chaos crocodile-alluding Floridaman Hank Ingham.
Signing off the final show of this pandemic-persisting plaid pandemonium that sure as heck plans to be around for the next. Later, gator!
Princeton University Band 