2018 Football Season
Team Record: 8-2
Band Record: 10-0
Butler 2018
Princeton at Butler
September 15th, 2018
Princeton wins 50-7
Pregame:
Too corny even for Indiana, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
The Band is very excited to make our first trip out to Indianapolis. No one in the band is even from in the Midwest! To prepare for our visit, we took a look at the Butler University Band’s Twitter Page where they recently posted a poll that determined that beet roots were round-enough. This inspired us to list our favorite things that are round-enough: beet roots, apples, snowballs, Hinkle’s orange basketballs, Indiana’s own Ball State University, the head of Indiana’s own Mike Pence, Indiana’s own Mike Pence’s own Trump’s own Spaceforce’s own new logo!
[Forming a Round-Enough Formation, the Princeton University Band will now play Round-Enough Balls of Fire]
We thought about adding ourselves to the list, but we can’t deny that we’re a bunch of squares. But hey, you know what is just round-enough? Our Double-Double Rotating P!
[Band forms the Double-Double Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]
Run away band, there are serious musicians coming!
Halftime:
Taking the Midwest by corn, *cough* storm, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
Like any millennial, we began our research on Indiana and Butler University by checking out their meme page. But to our horror, when we clicked on ‘Butler University Memes,’ we found that the page has been nearly inactive since 2013! How do you get through your day without your daily dose of self-deprecating memes? Where are the preppy teens? Our hearts go out to all of these meme-less Butler students. Much sad. Many disappoint. Forming an empty meme page on the field, the Princeton University Band mourns the meme page with Gone, Gone, Gone.
[Band forms a rectangle and plays Gone, Gone, Gone]
Ding! [short pause] What’s that? A notification from Butler University Memes? And another one? Band, are you texting and scrambling again? What? You’ve revived the meme page? Hey! We’ve revived it, and you don’t even have to thank us. After all, Princeton’s unofficial motto is in the nation’s service and the service of all humanity. We’re just doing our jobs. You’re welcome. Forming a Facebook like (which is what you all should do to our memes), the Princeton University Band will now play Build Me Up, PUB!
[Band forms a thumbs up and plays Build Me Up, Buttercup.]
Run away band, humanity well served.
Monmouth 2018
Monmouth at Princeton
September 22nd, 2018
Princeton wins 51-9
Pregame:
Giving access to a deranged mind through music, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
Woodrow Wilson Hall, formerly known as Shadow Lawn, is a $10.5 million-dollar mansion that sits upon Monmouth’s campus. The University lovingly renamed it after the former U.S President when they acquired the building in 1955, purely because he had used it one summer. In 1980, the mansion served as the filming location of Daddy Warbucks’s mansion in the musical film, Annie. Just as Wilson emphasized a competitive environment where all citizens work hard to achieve social mobility and pursue the American dream, Monmouth’s Woodrow Wilson Hall accurately depicts the Princeton’s student’s own dream: to be taken in by a rich daddy. Someone who can give you anything you want, Annie way you want it!
[Band forms a dollar sign and plays Any Way You Want It]
A review posted to the Chicago Tribune called the newest production of Annie “wobbly and unsatisfying,” much like an evening with the Princeton University Band. Do you know what else is wobbly and unsatisfying? Our Double-Double Rotating P!
[Band forms the Double-Double Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]
Run away band, it’s back to the hard knock life.
Halftime:
If this is a figment of my imagination, I’m pretty disappointed that this is the best it can come up with, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
Princeton has a massive class problem. No, not that kind of class problem. Academic classes.
As add/drop period comes to a close, we’ve noticed that course topics are getting more and more unusually specific. It seems that we’ve been taking a little too much liberty with the liberal arts; who are we, Brown? Even though it seems that 99% percent of students supported these new classes, the turnout still favored that 1%. There’s nothing worse than checking your email during your summer vacation to find out that newest seminar you were enrolled in has been canceled. Forming the look on your face when you open that email, the Princeton Band now plays Summertime Sadness.
[Band forms a frowny face and plays Summertime Sadness]
We thought it was an awful shame that these classes were canceled without a second thought, so the Princeton University Band would now like to present to you: Classes That Got Canceled by The Registrar. Due to some budgetary mistakes, they almost had to combine the ORFE and biology departments and tried offering Consulting for Literal Snakes. We’re actually so sad they fixed that, it could have been hiss-terical! Unfortunately, ENG320 South American Protofeminist Novels from 1814 to 1817 also got canceled for overwhelming amounts of interest. We’ve also been told that they withdrew Chem 101: Boron for Morons, EEB279: Transportation Biology: Roads for Toads, and a seminar on Alternative Athletic Footwear: Crocs for Jocks. In addition, Pseudoscience 105: Elementary Tea Leaf Reading was canceled for unforeseen circumstances. Sadly, ENG420: Synonyms for Stoners affectionately known as High Definitions and PSY345: Recovering Claustrophics: Thinking Outside of the Box were also canceled. Rounding off our list is a class that could’ve brought a lot of attention to the Religion Department. REL260: Atheism and Other ‘Non-Prophet’ Organizations. Forming the cold, nothingness that comes after death, the Princeton Band plays I’m Not a Believer.
[Band scrambles and stays wherever they land, and plays I’m a Believer.]
Run away band, Judgement Day’s coming.
Columbia 2018
Princeton at Columbia
September 28th, 2018
Princeton wins 45-10
Pregame:
Feared by no one and eaten by all, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
New York has a temper problem. A distemper problem. Since the beginning of the summer, raccoons in Central Park have been showing up with canine distemper virus, the second leading cause of death in raccoons after humans, of course. We win again, guys. Symptoms of the disease include reddened, watery eyes and fits of hysteria. They’ve also been described as looking confused. Are we sure that these are really raccoons, or are they just sleep deprived, over-worked college students aggressively searching for free food? Pouring one out for our homies, the Band forms the number you should call if you see one of these raccoons and plays 69 Dead Raccoons.
[Band forms 3-1-1 and plays 99 Red Balloons]
An article describing the raccoons from Newsweek reported that “they looked like they were circulating, wandering, and having spasms.” Oh no! Isn’t that what we look like in our Double-Double Rotating P?
[Band forms our Double-Double Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]
Run away band, it’s raccoon stomping time!
Halftime:
Lucky for you guys, I have no shame, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
Today’s game is quite the Princeton-Columbia match-up, but there’s another big matchup happening in the state of Texas. Princeton alum, Ted Cruz ’92, and Columbia alum, Beto O’Rourke ’95 are fighting for the lone star state’s senate seat. It’s pretty rare that there’s a Princeton-Columbia matchup where Columbia actually has a chance, but it’s happening. We definitely wouldn’t want to be in the middle of either of these catfights. Forming two butting heads, the band plays The Middle.
[Band forms two butting heads and plays The Middle]
Ted Cruz recently tweeted that “if Beto wins, BBQ will be illegal!” But BBQ is a Texas staple, you can’t possibly do that! It would be like banning the Jets from losing or banning cold indifferent stares on the subway, or like banning the Columbia Band from playing in the library on Orgo Night. It would be like banning Vineyard Vines from Ivy League or banning Mark Zuckerberg from looking at you through your webcam. Like banning Anakin from the Jedi counsel even if he doesn’t get the rank of master. Like banning the government from spraying mind control chemicals from the back of airplanes or banning Sauron from taking the the Hobbits to Isengard. Heck, banning BBQ from Texas is like banning Payless from having all of those buy one get one ½ off deals! Forming half a shoe – seriously Payless, why can’t it just be 2-4-1?
[Band forms half a shoe and plays 241]
Run away band — oh wait, you can’t; you only have half a shoe…
Lehigh 2018
Lehigh at Princeton
October 6th, 2018
Princeton wins 66-7
Pregame:
Coming in clutch, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
Lehigh University has recently implemented HawkWatch, a mobile safety app designed for students. A news release about the app calls it a student’s “virtual buddy.” This isn’t the first “virtual buddy” to come out of the little town of Bethlehem. Back when it was a large mining town, all of those coal miners had to turn to the original virtual buddy: Jesus. Just because you’re shoveling coal all day doesn’t mean you can’t believe in the Gospel, John!
[Band forms lump of coal and plays Gospel John]
If Princeton implemented something like this, we’d want to call it the PWatch. Just watch us Double-Double Rotating P!
[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]
Run away band, we’re being watched like a hawk!
Halftime:
If you ignore all basic instincts, they’re pretty okay: it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
The year is 2069 and the world is dark. People have stopped voting. Speech and expression are limited. Russian hackers have taken over the world. They’ve infiltrated the Woolworth reservation system, vowing to never again let the band again rehearse. The band has been forced into exile.
[Band forms an X and plays Moskau]
What would we do in this grim, apocalyptic world without the Princeton Band? Students would be subjected to study in peace on Saturday mornings. There’d be no one to energize students to finish their papers in the libraries the night before dean’s date, and no one to play slightly out of tune love songs in the dining halls on Valentine’s Day to remind everyone that love is not dead. No one to throw candy at unsuspecting students everywhere they turn. Without the Princeton Band, who would you have to play at your weddings, bar mitzvahs, and birthday parties? Halftime shows would be reduced to Nissan, Coca Cola, and Electrical Workers Union ads. Only you can stop this future. Go out and vote.
[Band forms a ballot and plays Time Warp]
But in all seriousness, it’s important for everyone to engage in our civic duty. Your vote truly does count, and our country is counting on each and every one of us to make our voices be heard through our votes. There are ten days left to register in New Jersey, so make sure you’re signed up! Now run away band, better get to Woolworth while we still can!
Brown 2018
Brown at Princeton
October 13th, 2018
Princeton wins 48-10
Homecoming
Pregame:
You can manage dysfunction, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
There’s been a bus strike in Providence! Our hearts go out to dear friends in the Brown Band who almost didn’t make it here today due to the bus shortage. The head of the Rhode Island Association of School Committees has suggested bringing in the National Guard to drive the buses, but we have a better idea: take a ride on the Magic School Bus! They might have gotten baked into pie or turned into a Netflix reboot before they got here, but at least the Frizz would take them on the ride of their lives! Wahooo!
[Band forms a bus and plays Vehicle]
President of the Rhode Island Senate, Dominick Ruggerio, who succeeded President Weed, has a Bachelor of Science degree from Providence College. He didn’t really see a problem with the bus drivers; he thought they were just un-ionized, not unionized! Just like our Double-Double Rotating Phosphorus ion!
[Band forms the Double-Double Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]
Run away band, I’ve got my ion you!
Halftime:
Please accept our apologies in advance, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
Shiru Café is the newest craze in Providence. The Japanese-owned coffee shop provided students with free coffee – for a price: personal data. Free coffee for sharing a few answers that almost anyone could already find on LinkedIn. Sharing is caring for these Care Bears. But Shiru doesn’t accept offers from “general clientele” regardless of the price they’re willing to pay to get a sip. They’ve only got a thing for Brown University students. And over 69% of Brown students would let anyone take a byte for a free cup of coffee any day. Forming a byte on the field, the band performs Shut Up & Take My Data.
[Band forms a byte and plays Free Ride]
As much fun as this data-sharing revelry sounds, there are latte problems with this free coffee, because the sharing doesn’t stop at the register. Shiru requests that all drinks are consumed on the premises, so many students end up connecting to the WiFi where their data can be given to “unsavory corporate partners they’d rather avoid” like Amazon, HP, and the ever nosy U.S Government. Don’t students dread bytes of their information being stored on God knows who’s hard drives, only to be perused at a later date to stimulate corporate senses? We might dread bytes, but corporates love bytes.
[Band forms a concert arc and plays Also Sprach]
Flashers flash:
DREAD BYTES
Anagrams to:
TEDDY BEARS
Flips to:
SIS BOOM AH!
Run away band, and put that floppy disk away!
Harvard 2018
Princeton at Harvard
October 20th, 2018
Princeton wins 29-21
Pregame:
Coming at it from an unorthodox angle, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
Annoying, spineless, always up to something, and impossible to get rid of. No, we aren’t talking about Harvard students. We’re talking about cockroaches. While MIT has developed Robotic Cheetah 3, Harvard has recently perfected their robotic cockroach. Silicon based, walks on six legs, and has cameras for eyes. Harvard hasn’t seen one of those since Mark Zuckerberg dropped out. The one flaw of this robotic pest is that it can’t get out of the water without the use of a ramp, otherwise it will just spin around aimlessly, much like our Double-Double Rotating P!
[Band forms the Double-Double Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]
Scuttle away band, we have the ramp ready!
Halftime:
I like the idea, but I don’t like the consequences, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
One question that Harvard graduates hear is… “How do you sleep at night?” This year’s freshman class will be able to answer that with ease. It turns out that sleeping on piles of ponzi scheme money doesn’t make the most comfortable bed. But short of giving the money away to noble clauses, they instead took an online course entitled Sleep 101. And here are some of the calming thoughts that Harvard students have before bed: daddy’s trust fund, finding a daddy with a trust fund, becoming a daddy with a trust fund, counting all of the As they’re getting instead of sheep and while they may be worried that the University cares more about graduate students, they can sleep soundly knowing they’ll just let them pass anyway, so they come back with those big trust funds. Sweet Dreams, Caroline.
[Band forms a pillow and plays Sweet Caroline]
Wakey, wakey! It’s time for your hot breakfast provided by Harvard University Dining Services. Oh wait. Harvard got rid of most of their hot breakfast options back in 2009 for ‘budgetary reasons.’ Well, there are still make your own eggs and waffle stations, but apparently that’s not cutting it for these Harvard students. They’d would much rather have someone else make it for them the eggspress way. I bet they can’t even be bothered to put all their eggs in one basket.
[Band forms an egg and plays Basket Case]
Run away band, sleep tight and don’t let the robotic cockroaches bite.
Cornell 2018
Cornell at Princeton
October 27th, 2018
Princeton wins 66-0
Pregame:
Zoologically improbable and/or terrifying to small children, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
The Princeton University Band would like to present: a tribute to some of the output from researches in Cornell’s College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. Just recently, Cornell has released a new kind of grape – the Everest Seedless. The name boasts about its size, because it can barely fit in your mouth! A Cornell professor says that this seedless variety is meant to be eaten fresh, so it can “leave the mouth full of juice.” There ain’t no wine-ing about that, perhaps they really have succeeded in this grape endeavor.
[Band forms grapes and plays Love Drunk]
But this isn’t the first super food craze to come out of Ithaca. We have to wonder… will this turn out like e-Moo? Cornell developed e-Moo, a carbonated, healthy milk drink in 2001. They claimed that one of the main benefits was that it would be able to last longer. Unfortunately, e-Moo didn’t end up lasting very long, much like our Double-Double Rotating P!
[Band forms the Double-Double Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]
Run away band, word has it those grapes have been genetically engineered with extra wrath!
Halftime:
Going bump in the night, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
It’s the spooky season of Halloween and the ghosts of Princeton are out and about. But the afterlife is pretty boring, and the ghosts have nothing to do but compare legacies in an aggressive and rhythmic format. Attempting a rap battle in ghostly white, allow me to introduce the ghosts of Aaron Burr and Woodrow Wilson.
Wilson – Aaron Burr, Sir- I never thought I’d get to see
A Princeton Politician with a legacy as bad as me
You tainted your past with a devilish rigor
And now you’re a supporting actor with a finger on the trigger
Burr – Sick burn, Woody Woo, but that was pretty lame,
Even from someone with the word ‘wood’ in your name
Like Han Solo I shot first, and I’m still standing tall
While you can’t even keep your picture in the dining hall
Wilson – You’re just the president of vice,
I was president twice.
University and nation,
I got all the acclamation.
You did nothing of your own,
While I’m sittin’ on two thrones.
[Band forms 2 and plays Game of Thrones]
Burr – Your presidential tenures were far from trouble-free
As you tried to oust the eating clubs and diversity
Your spartan res college may be riot free
But I was at this nation’s birth, you just showed the movie
Wilson – You got no bars nor flow, but I’ve got rhyme and reason
Your misadventures in the West got you arrested for treason
Your desp’rate flight to Europe was truly obscene
You haven’t made a single point, I got fourteen
Burr: Like the snakes in your major, you are pretty slow,
You were barely reading while I studied Cicero
Came to Old Nassau at the ripe age of 13
Doing dope calculus, can’t stop this smarts machine
Yeah Mr. Woody, that’s right,
I’m Mr. Bright!
[Band forms a lightbulb and plays Mr. Brightside]
Run away band, Woodrow Wilson is spinning in his grave.
(Nathaniel Hontz ’21 contributed as a guest announcer to have a proper rap battle with two different people.)
Dartmouth 2018
Dartmouth at Princeton
November 3rd, 2018
Princeton wins 14-9
Pregame:
Like a voice crying out in the wilderness, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
Meet Morphy, a fifteen-year-old corpse flower housed in Dartmouth’s College of Life Sciences Greenhouse. Dartmouth students are dying to see their corpse flower blossom. No, seriously, that’s why it smells so bad when it finally does bloom. It’s all of the rotting flesh of those who died waiting to see it. Corpse flowers typically take between seven and ten years to bloom. But considering that Morphy just bloomed two years ago, we’d say this guy is pretty quick to come. Forming a Amorphophallus titanum on the field, the band plays Carry On, My Wayward Morphy!
[Band forms a corpse flower and plays Carry On My Wayward Son]
What else is a bit misshapen and resembles rotting meat like the corpse flower? It’s our Double-Double-Rotating P!
[Band forms the Double-Double Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]
Run away band, smell ya later!
Halftime:
Is this a sandwich? No, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
Do you know what today is? It’s National Sandwich Day! All of this talk about sandwiches has got us thinking: what really is a sandwich? Ruth Bader Ginsburg says that hotdogs are sandwiches, and the owner of Qdoba says that burritos aren’t sandwiches. So much discrepancy! Here are some things that the band thinks might be sandwiches: a burrito, a hotdog, sushi, soup, two clapping hands, two well-groomed eyebrows, Keggy the Keg, the new Dartmouth logo, a roll of two-ply toilet paper, the midterms we failed last week, an enchantress with a special interest in fine particle geology, me at Walmart on Black Friday, Roland’s chops, BBQ sauce between two jugs, and the pizza place between the two Hoagie Havens. Forming the best hoagie on the field, the Band plays Sanchez.
[Band forms a hoagie and plays Children of Sanchez.]
We resorted to our trusty friend Google to find out the real definition of a sandwich. It says that sandwich is to “insert or squeeze (someone or something) between two other people or things, typically in a restricted space or so as to be uncomfortable.” Wow, much like this halftime show, huh? Forming a sandwich on the field, the band plays You Can Call Me A Sandwich.
[Band forms stick person and plays You Can Call Me Al].
Run away band, wait, has this halftime show been a sandwich?
Yale 2018
Princeton at Yale
November 10th, 2018
Princeton wins 59-43
Pregame:
Underestimating the size of marshmallows since 2017, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band scrambles onto the field]
Turmoil has engulfed the galactic republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute. Oh wait, sorry, wrong script. Our fearless leader, Kyle G, who plays the trombone and whose dad is a police officer and who grew up in Vir-… Wait, this isn’t the right Kyle G. This is getting out of hand… now there are two of them! Okay, last time. Our fearless leader, Kyle Groves, has served us well for the past year. His job is to rescue the band from near destruction, and we’ll still never forget the time that this magikarp released all of those serpents in the ocean. Bring it, Kyle!
[Band forms “SC” and plays Rescue Me]
Kyle, according to Google’s advertisement algorithm, is a 70 year-old man. We can’t say we’re surprised though, which is why we’ve compiled a list of reasons why Kyle probably belongs in a senior center:
- He’s about to retire from his presidency to work in a library.
- He owns (and wears) a silk pajama suit, and has a fastidious obsession with shirtstays and cufflinks.
- He has a life-long dream of being The Music Man.
- Dad jokes. May I say more?
- His most recent songs on Spotify include Frank Sinatra and smooth jazz.
- His favorite cereal is the blandest of them all.
Forming an oat square on the field, the Band plays Every Time He Touches That Sporran, It’s Probably to Eat an Oat Square.
[Band forms an oat square and plays Every Time We Touch]
Run away band, Kyle has another special election to run!
Halftime:
Getting expontentially bigger from eating your goods, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
It’s an infestation nation! Mice have taken over students’ suites and even the dining halls. Though despite such a large rodent problem, most Yale students aren’t panicking or even motivated to do anything about it. Yale has assured the student body that they’ve “treated” the problem, but they probably can’t get rid of the pests without getting rid of their whole student body. It seems like with the winter coming, these mice have found a new home; a safe haven in New Haven, so we might as well start calling Yale the Land of 1000 Mice.
[Band forms a mouse and plays Land of 1000 Dances]
Mice aren’t the only furry friends up here in New Haven. Researchers at the University have been working on some softcore robotics. Their furry ‘soft bots’ are created using everyday objects like a plush horse and a foam tube to create a ‘wriggling robo-worm.’ Are they just horsin’ around up here? I don’t know about you, but it seems like all of our nightmares about our stuffed animals coming alive and murdering us in the middle of the night are now coming true. Wait, do you think those mice could be Yale just testing the soft bots? We’ll just have to wait and see if the robo-worm shows up too. Forming a “wriggling robo-worm” on the field, the band plays He’s a Robot!
[Band forms a ‘robo-worm’ and plays He’s a Pirate]
Run away band, the robo-mice are coming and they’re hungered.
Penn 2018
Penn at Princeton
November 17th, 2018
Princeton wins 42-14
Pregame:
It shouldn’t be too much worse than this, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
Allow us to take you on a tour of Penn Island, where UPenn students, desperate to distance themselves from all of the Trump jokes, have sought out refuge. As you can see, boats are coming into the port all the time! And over here, you’ll notice the snake habitat with the anaconda exhibit. And to your right, you’ll see some of them laying pipes. If you look up ahead, you’ll even see Postmaster General Benjamin Franklin, making sure that everyone’s packages arrive on time. All this traveling making you testy? We’ll make a stop at the beachside vendors serving hot dogs in warm buns that you can enjoy in a banana hammock. We hope you enjoyed this Free Ride on the peninsula of Penn Island! Come back soon!
[Band forms a peninsula and plays Free Ride]
Oh wait, you can’t leave the island without seeing our Double-Single Rotating P!
[Band forms the Double-Single Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]
Run away band, those economics students on the island have finally discovered market penetration.
Halftime:
Fire emoji, winking emoji, sweat droplets emoji, it’s the PU B-emoji!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
There’s nothing we love more than a bright, enticing, warm flame. So hot, so destructive. If you can’t tell, we’re really, really excited for our bonfire. But for our eager freshmen, the fire has been burning all year in their First Year Residential Experience, affectionately known as FYRE. The pre-read, one of the key elements in their experience, is 200 pages of intellectual discourse that apparently also makes for great kindling, according to students who have created an event online entitled “yeeting your copy of Speak Freely into the bonfire.” In a dramatic twist of fate, the book given to you by FYRE must return to it. But since the fire company only lights their fires at 450 degrees, we’ve compiled a few you could do with the pre-read instead: join the rocketry club and fly it into space, use it to replace the missing legs of your antiquated couch, use it to test the curvature of the earth, and then throw it at the flat earth protestors on Washington Rd. Whatever you do with it, we can’t wait for this Princeton Holiday!
[Band forms a book emoji and plays Holiday]
You know, it’s weird that the season isn’t over and yet we’ve already secured the bonfire. It’s as if there are no other schools that matter in football, that’s right, no other schools, Penn. The band forms a fire emoji on the field and plays The Impression That I Get From Just Two Other Schools That Matter.
[Band forms fire emoji and plays Impression]
And now, on behalf of Band President and eternal Keeper of the mighty Oat Squares Kyle Groves, whose sporran is never empty, Drum Major, World War II general and 34th President of the United States Destiny Eisenhour, who – wait, wrong Eisenhower. My bad. Moving on [pronounced “oahn”]: Head Manager and Yankees fan McGinnis Miller, whose taste in pizza and sandwiches is thankfully far better than her taste in baseball teams, [bad British accent] and Student Conductor and resident spicy memelord Alex Cox, who hates poor imitations of his accent nearly as much as he hates Mark Zuckerberg [end British accent] this is your Announcer and occasional shenaniganer of shenanigans Conor Rachlin, signing off from a wonderful season of cringeworthy puns, terrible rapping, and over-analysis of extremely niche subjects. That some among you have found this amusing is proof enough that the Band remains, as always, undefeated. Thank you.
Princeton University Band 