2017 – Princeton University Band

2017 Football Season

Team Record: 5-5
Band Record: 10-0

San Diego 2017

San Diego at Princeton
September 16th, 2017
Princeton wins 27-17

Pregame:
Coming on the field for another year, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band enters field playing Princeton Cannon Song]

Another new school year! That means new freshmen! We have some advice for all you new kids! First, the USD freshmen. Due to cutbacks, all engineering classes will now take place at Legoland. Gym classes will now be moved to the southern border where you can scale a wall. Firefighting suits are now mandatory for ALL students. For practical purposes, the fire alarms around campus are ALWAYS going off. Hopefully if you follow all these measures, you won’t be consumed by the great balls of fire that can plague California.

[Band forms two circles and plays Great Balls of Fire]

Now for the Princeton freshmen. We’ve consulted all of the important heads here on campus, even Eisgruber himself and they’ve come to a consensus. The only piece of advice you need is to join the Band and to learn how to form a double-double-rotating P!

[Band forms the double double rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]

[Announcer will tell people to look to the sky and say the Band will play Banner]

[Band plays Banner and The Final Countdown]

Halftime:
Nuclear winter is coming…it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]

The sunny, scintillating, sprightly city of San Diego. We only see you once every 3, maybe even 10 years! What can we even say we know about you? Well for one thing, we know that the University of San Diego doesn’t even have a BAND to play for them! We also learned that the San Diego Chargers no longer belong to San Diego! They actually moved to Los Angeles which means that we are currently playing the best football team in San Diego! And of course we know about California’s secret desire to secede from the United States. Your band? Gone. Your football team? Gone. Even the whole state of California could be gone, gone, gone by the time you get back there. What could be worse?!?!

[Band forms California and plays Gone Gone Gone]

Alright, alright well let’s talk about some more positive things about San Diego by naming some fun facts! Did you know that San Diego is the avocado capital of the United States? The city is also home to the world’s oldest active sailing ship! Oooh and that reminds me that San Diego is also the one of the closest US naval bases to Korea!! Hmmm, well given the state of affairs today, maybe that one isn’t such a fun fact. I haven’t seen such an anxious load of men at sea since that one time I heard my roommate come through the door!

[Band forms a mushroom cloud and plays 99 Red Balloons]

Run away Band, the DRPK is firing missiles.

Lafayette 2017

Princeton at Lafayette
September 23rd, 2017
Princeton wins 38-17

Pregame:
Pay us to be silent, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band enters field playing Princeton Cannon Song]

Hello, we’re the Princeton University Band. Our football team is great! Better than yours! You lost 0-59 last week! Also leopards are just poor excuses for tigers!

[Band forms a 59 and plays Summertime Sadness]

You know what leopards and tigers have in common? They’re big cats like lions and cheetahs and jaguars and cougars and pumas! Guess what? Puma starts with ‘p’ just like pterodactyl and ptiger! It’s us!

[Band forms Double-double rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]

Run away Band, their baguettes have gone mouldy!

Halftime:
It’s funnier without context, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
[Band mimes on field]
[Band forms big box and plays Shut Up and Dance]
[Band mimes closing in on me]
[Band forms smaller box and plays Children of Sanchez]

Run away Band, it’s the Spanish Inquisition

Columbia 2017

Columbia at Princeton
September 30th, 2017
Princeton loses 28-24

Pregame:
On your Marx. Get set. Communism. It’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]

Do you want to be funny? For an easy $20, you can attend How to Write Funny taught by Columbia’s Patricia Marx. Can’t afford the price? We have our own Comedian’s Manifesto and are willing to share some tips with you now! Sausage jokes are the wurst. Draw pictures on your legs so you can have fun knees. Broken pencils are pointless. And risque jokes are NOT funny, I mean, CUMB on people! Follow these tips and you’ll be sure to get a Free Ride with the Marx of a good comedian.

[Band forms pencil and plays Free Ride]

Another good thing about OUR Comedian’s Manifesto is that you don’t have to worry about grades! Rather than getting an A, B, or C or PDFing, you only have to think about ONE letter with us and that’s a Double-Double-Rotating-P!

[Band forms Double-Double-Rotating-P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]

Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise and remove your hats for the playing of the national anthem.

[Band plays Banner]

Halftime:
I’m both frightened and excited. It’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]

It is many a person’s dream to get an acceptance letter in the mail and go to school! But for 277 graduate students these dreams were shattered when they received acceptance letters to Columbia’s Mailman School of Public Health, only to have them take it back. Talk about premature matriculation. They should see a health professional about that. Maybe one of the people whose acceptance they rescinded. Oh why must you Build Me Up Buttercup just to let me down!?

[Band forms scissors and plays Build Me Up Buttercup]

So Columbia isn’t the best at sending acceptance letters but they have other superlatives like Most Improved! Their football team has won all 3 of their games so far, quite the welcome change for them from how they usually fare during football season. We’re happy for you but Princeton is sure to put your team on Holiday from your winning streak!

[Band forms award ribbon and plays Holiday]

Run away Band, the rescission letters are CUMBing!

Georgetown 2017

Georgetown at Princeton
October 7th, 2017
Princeton wins 50-30

Pregame:
The worst kept secret at Princeton, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]

The Band may be the worst kept secret at Princeton, but Georgetown’s is definitely its secret society, The Stewards. In 2015 their emails discussing the merits of themed cufflinks versus Brooks Brothers ties were published on a blogsite. They’re probably wishing they could turn back the hands of time, back to when their existence was unknown.

[Band forms envelope and plays Time Warp]

These Stewards of Gondor, Stewards of SAD, Stewards of Sucky Secret Keepers really aren’t a great secret society. Look at them compared to us. They have cloaks, we have plaid. They have themed cufflinks, we have a van with free candy. They have Brooks Brothers ties, we have a Double Double Rotating P! Oops that was supposed to be a secret.

[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]

Halftime:
In the midst of chaos, there is opportunity. In the midst of opportunity, there is the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]

While a student at Georgetown, Ivanka Trump was involved in a forbidden relationship with someone who lived in a nearby swamp. It was Shrek. Shrek said that they couldn’t be together because of her father but Ivanka wasn’t afraid of her father. She would go visit Shrek in his swamp every day. Donald was very jealous of Shrek because he loved Ivanka too. He thought she had the best student body of them all. Out of jealousy and anger, he decided to drain Shrek’s swamp. A father’s love for his daughter and his daughter’s love for an ogre. It all sounds like a Bad Romance to me.

[Band forms a swamp and plays Bad Romance]

Ivanka was torn between her father and Shrek. Shrek saw how unhappy Ivanka was and decided to stand up to Donald for the sake of their love. He loaded the cannons on Georgetown’s campus that have always been pointed at the White House and fired them. They left quite an Impression on the White House. Donald didn’t want anymore property damage so he gave up quite easily. Ivanka and Shrek lived happily ever after with their half ogre, half human babies.

[Band forms a cannon and plays The Impression that I Get]

Run away Band, it’s time to drain the swamp!

Brown 2017

Princeton at Harvard
October 20th, 2017
Princeton wins 52-17

Pregame:
Here come dat Princeton University Band. Oh shucks waddup.

[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]

One does not simply post memes. You could get kicked out of Harvard for it. This past spring, Harvard rescinded the acceptance letters of 10 people whose memes were unwholesome, to which these people responded with “Shut up and take my money.” What in Verita-rnation?!?! To those unwholesome meme posters, Much disappoint. Such surprise. Wow. Here’s All Star but it’s the Princeton University Band.

[Band forms Doge and plays All Star]

Our Preppy Teens know how to meme the right way. Not sure if surrounded by cats getting strangled, or just in Cambridge. Roses are red, Harvard is Crimson; if you want a good education, go to Princeton! How about this classic Princeton meme? Would’ve been an A at Harvard but at Princeton it’s a Double-Double-Rotating-P!

[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]

Run away Band, *sings* Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.

Halftime:
More snacks than instruments, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]

Harvard recently decided to change the last line of their Alma Mater. The old line used to read “Till the stock of the Puritans die.” A little outdated, don’t you think? They reviewed and changed some lyrics in 1998 to include women, but kept the references to Puritans in. I wonder what was going through their minds? Me: We should make this song not offensive! Me to me: Keep the Puritans! I don’t think they should’ve kept that line in, but that’s none of my business. Well at least now it’s Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, hey-hey-hey, goodbye! (to the Puritans)

[Band forms lips and plays Kiss Em Goodbye]

Harvard is now seeking suggestions to replace the old line and we thought of some pretty original contenders for the spot. *sings* “Bye, bye Miss American Pie.” “And like Ozzy Osborne, Aye aye aye.” *speaks* “After changing in ’98, did you even try?” *sings* “I believe I can fly!” “I’m a believer, I couldn’t leave her if I tried.”

[Band forms pilgrim hat and plays I’m a Believer]

Run away Band, the Red Coats are coming!

Harvard 2017

Princeton at Harvard
October 20th, 2017
Princeton wins 52-17

Pregame:
Here come dat Princeton University Band. Oh shucks waddup.

[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]

Run away Band, *sings* Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.

Halftime:
More snacks than instruments, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band forms pilgrim hat and plays I’m a Believer]

Run away Band, the Red Coats are coming!

Cornell 2017

Cornell at Princeton
October 28th, 2017
Princeton loses 29-28

Pregame:
You don’t have to be dead to haunt people. It’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]

Earlier this month was the 20th Anniversary of the Great Pumpkin prank at Cornell where a 60 pound pumpkin was somehow placed on top of a tower spire, 173 feet up in the air, for 158 days. But what is the secret behind this black magic?! No one knows who put it up there but I personally think it was GHOSTS. IT’S THE ONLY ANSWER. SO SPOOPY. Forming the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, the Band plays Land of 1000 Terrors.

[Band forms pumpkin and plays Land of 1000]

Pretty sure it was ghosts who put the pumpkin on the tower. Just ask David S. Pumpkins! “I’m David Pumpkins and I’m here to scare the heck out of you. I’m doin my own thang just like the ghost who put the pumpkin on the tower and this Double Double Rotating P! Any questions?”

[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]

Halftime:
Not desirable but necessary. It’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]

The Cornell Band is unique in that it’s the only non-scramble band in the Ivy League. It’s also probably the BIGGEST band in the Ivy League, with about 100 people here today. Is it just me or do they seem to be getting bigger every year? Just you wait, next year there will be 150, maybe 241 after that. They’ll just keep multiplying and getting bigger…

[Band forms infinity and plays 241]

You can imagine how hard it is to find a place for all these people to sleep when they’re 3 times our size. We just stuff them all into our dorms. For a school that trains hotel administrators, they sure do want a lot of free housing. Our rooms were so filled to the brim that we thought they were going to explode! We would’ve been covered in Cornell Bandies, just like how the citizens of Pompeii were covered in ash. Forming sardines in a can, the Band plays Pompeii.

[Band forms sardines in a can and plays Pompeii]

Run away Band, the Red Terror is upon us.

Penn 2017

Princeton at Penn
November 4rd, 2017
Princeton loses 38-35

Pregame:
Война и мир, но больше войны чем мирa, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Translation: War and peace, but more war than peace, it’s the Princeton University Band!)
(Transliteration: Vojna i mir, no bol’she vojny chem mira, it’s the Princeton University Band!)

[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]

We really wanted to find someone noteworthy who went to Penn to make fun of, but we couldn’t think of anyone. Oh wait didn’t Trump go to an Ivy League school? Was it Dartmouth? No. Harvard? No. Wait, does Penn count? Oh right that’s where he went! Playing the song of Trump’s people, the Band plays Moskau.

[Band forms onion dome and plays Moskau]

Putin was a visiting student while Trump was at Penn. They instantly felt a connection and began “colluding.” One of the first things that Trump told Putin was “I’m so in love with your Double-Double-Rotating-P.”

[Band forms Double-Double-Rotating-P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]

Halftime:
Totally NOT colluding with the Russian government, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]

Trump and Putin wanted to keep their love a secret so they wrote love letters to each other. Luckily our archivist has uncovered these letters. Mueller, eat your heart out. “Dear Vlady, I long for those days that we rode shirtless in the woods on bear-back and then cuddling in a cave with nothing but our love to keep us warm. I’ve always admired how big your hands are and how they guide my Twitter fingers. I wish I could just run away with you – back to Moscow.”

[Band forms hammer and plays Moskau]

“Милости Трамп, ты очень яркий человек и мне нравится что ты делаешь то что я говорю каждый раз. Я не знаю люблю ли тебя но я помогу тебе стать президентам. Владимир Владимирович Путин.”
(Translation: Dear Trump, you’re a very bright person and I like that you do everything that I tell you all the time. I don’t know if I love you but I will help you become president. Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin.)
(Transliteration: Milosti Trump, ty ochen’ jarkij chelovek i mne nravitsja chto ty delaesh’ to chto ja govorju kazhdyj raz. Ja ne znaju ljublju li tebja no ja pomogu tebe stat’ prezidentam. Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin.)

[Band forms sickle and plays Moskau]

Run away Band, here comes the FBI. We don’t want to get indicted.

Yale 2017

Yale at Princeton
November 11th, 2017
Princeton loses 35-31

Pregame:
Crawling out from underneath your bed, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band plays Buddy Holly]

Fun facts about Yale! A bulldog doesn’t have a tail. The only thing Yale students can do is go to jail and then post bail. They always flail and in their grades, they can’t fail. They feast on champagne and quail. They’re scared of hail. A green vegetable is kale. A package has arrived, please check your mail. HOLY GRAIL! GINGER ALE! All these rhymes are getting stale, unlike our Double-Double-Rotating P that’s always present in our hearts even when we’re not on the field.

[Band plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]

Halftime:
Celebrating mediocrity, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]

Yale’s endowment value became $27.2 billion, allowing Yale students to continue with their luxurious habits. They can still feed tins of caviar to their exotic pets for dinner, have a different sports car for every day of the week, and dive into swimming pools full of money. But while Yale may be slightly better endowed than Princeton, unlike Yale, we’re more into giving than receiving. Yale had an investment return of only 11.3% while Princeton’s was 12.5%. They could learn a thing or two from us. We’ll take their tins of caviar and sports cars and give them to those truly in need, just like Robin Hood stealing from the rich and giving to the poor.

[Band forms Robin Hood’s hat and plays Robin Hood]

Yale isn’t all that bad at helping out communities though. Just recently, some Yale architecture students helped create homes in Connecticut for the homeless. You heard right, ladies and gentlemen! The Yale students found it in the goodness of their hearts to design and refurbish some old vans in order to create homes for those in need. The Yalies were so generous that they even donated some of their old ottomans and chaise lounges so the residents could decorate their vans with the style that the Yalies thought they lacked. Well I guess this is a start for them. They’re still newbs and stand to learn a lot from Princeton…about how to be generous and just in general.

[Band forms V and performs flasher routine while playing Also Sprach]

Flashers flash:
HOBO EN VAN
Anagrams to:
NOOB HAVEN
Flips to reveal:
WIN 4 NASS!

Run away Band, before the Yale males impale us with their tails.

Dartmouth 2017

Princeton at Dartmouth
November 18th, 2017
Princeton loses 54-44

Pregame:
It could be worse, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band scrambles onto field]

Paloma Aguas has been our fearless leader for this past year! Being responsible for so many people is pretty tough and we appreciate all that she’s done! But what’s the secret behind the will to go on? Simply the excitement of new Band members and being with her quads babies is enough to keep her going. Paloma gets a lot of joy from teaching Alex, James, and Yeesl how to play quads and playing with them at games. I want to be a quads baby too! Listen to me play! [plays quads in announcer’s booth or plays recording of myself playing quads] Aren’t I great? Forming Paloma’s favorite instrument, the Band plays Rescue Me.

[Band forms a set of quads and plays Rescue Me]

As president of the Band, Paloma has to deal with all the repercussions for all the things the Band does, such as shouting obscenities in the stands, forgoing pants during third quarter, and Paloma’s personal favorite, forming a certain undesired body part when opportunity strikes. Forming a Paguas@princeton.edu for all comments and complaints, the Band plays Going Back to Nassau Hall.

[Band forms Single Double Rotating P and “@” and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]

Run away Band, your tenure’s almost over!

Halftime:
Man, you could write anything for these come-on lines. It’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]

Here we find ourselves, in the cold, cold land of Hanover, New Hampshire. We’re a few hundred miles north of where we’re used to being so it’s been a tough adjustment to make. It’s a frozen wasteland up here but on the Brightside, the Princeton Band is here to bring some good ol’ fashioned New Jersey sunshine and warmth to your lives!

[Band forms the sun and plays Mr. Brightside]

Dartmouth is known for two things: Keggy the Keg and sheep. When we arrived, it just so happened that Keggy the Keg was keeping a poor sheep hostage with the intention of…rolling in the hay with it. The honorable Princeton Tiger wanted to protect this poor sheep from Keggy’s baaaaad [baas like sheep] intentions and engaged in an epic battle with the Big Green foe. It was well fought but in the end, the Tiger defeated Keggy with its deadly laser tiger eyes and saved the sheep! Forming our prize, the Thanksgiving Turkey basted with the beer from our enemy, the Band becomes master-basters and plays Eye of the Tiger.

[Band forms turkey and plays Eye of the Tiger]

And now, on behalf Princeton University Band’s President Paloma Aguas, our only president to never “do tacky”, Drum Major Zhi-shui Hsu, dancer and show-writer extraordinaire whose whistle took us from the Palestra to Parades, and occasionally to the 20-yard line; Head Manager Lucinda Pastora, spontaneous exclaimer, but thankfully non-spontaneous trip planner; and Conductor Kyle Groves, who AGRSSIVELY taught the band the ways of the Force, this is your British Import and Announcer Yash Huilgol, signing off. The Band is strong in will to perform, to play, to field, and not to yield…so thank you for your time. Run away Band on Three…!”