2016 Football Season
Team Record: 8-2
Band Record: 10-0
Lafayette 2016
Lafayette at Princeton
September 17th, 2016
Princeton wins 35-31
Pre-game:
You’re here until you die…it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band enters field playing Princeton Cannon Song]
Ah yes, Les Miserables, a wonderful work illustrating the French revolution, not unlike some of the more recent conflicts in Lafayette. One such conflict could be the desire to make a new art building whose name, Janks Hall, does not reflect the style of art and “distinctive” abilities of those artists which it produces. Most notably, however, is the revolution against administration and the lack of food. This is almost as bad as the French revolution. At least give your professors a couple bottles of Perrier. Can you hear the people starve? By golly, let them eat cake! Lafayette may as well tattoo 24601 into their students’ arms!
[Band forms “60” and plays 241]
Of course, this isn’t the worst that could happen at an academic institution. At least now Lafayette can use all of its 2500 undergrads to build the statue it’s always wanted…a double double rotating P!
[Band forms the double double rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]
Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise and remove your hats for the playing of the national anthem.
[Band plays Banner]
Halftime:
Getting a little more adventurous with some chicken soup and a barbecue chicken leg…it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
Lehigh University. Picture yourself on a beautifully wooded campus spanning 2,358 acres, one of the largest private campuses in the country. Nearly 7,000 students call this hillside university “home.” With four distinguished colleges, Lehigh strikes the perfect balance: It’s an internationally recognized research university that has the atmosphere of a small college. Lehigh is a premier private residential research university. Most of its students—undergraduate and graduate—live on campus, allowing research and discovery to happen almost anywhere, even in the atmosphere, floating around with the numerous red balloons.
[Band forms a balloon and plays 99 Luftballoons]
Located in Pennsylvania’s scenic Lehigh Valley, the campus is in close proximity to both New York City and Philadelphia and is right in the middle of the Mid-Atlantic corridor. The Lehigh Valley region is home to about 750,000 people, giving our students and the campus community plenty to do. Lehigh University blends rigorous academic programs with a vibrant life in and outside the classroom, offering distinctive programs that support, guide, challenge and inspire our students. Another great inspiration for the students of Lehigh is their president John and his love for mountain hawks. The band praises him with the playing of Gospel John while forming an empty page, otherwise known as the definition of a mountain hawk.
[Band forms a rectangle and plays Gospel John]
Run away band, another generic Pennsylvanian school whose name is not worth mentioning is returning to the field…
Lehigh 2016
Princeton at Lehigh
September 24th, 2016
Princeton loses 42-28
Halftime:
Larry Hurley, a burly squirrel hurler, hurled a furry squirrel through a curly grill. It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band forms nut and plays Basket Case]
Love’s a feeling you feel when you feel you’re going to feel the feeling you’ve never felt before.
[Band forms heart and plays What is Love?]
Run away band, Larry sent the latter a letter later.
Columbia 2016
Princeton at Columbia
October 1st, 2016
Princeton wins 48-13
Pregame:
Sounds painful…it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song and then plays shake your booty]
1: “I never really knew that she could dance like this. She makes a man want to speak Spanish. Como se llama? Bonita. Mi casa, su casa.”
2: “Oh baby when you talk like that, you make a woman go mad. So be wise and keep on reading the signs of my body.”
[Band forms double double rotating P and plays Going Back]
Run away band, our flight is boarding!
Halftime:
We’re all trash at some point…it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
1: “Good morning everyone and thank you for flying with Air Colombia today. We are about to begin takeoff and we expect to be arriving in about 20 minutes.”
2: “Excuse me, maybe I misheard you, but did you say 20 minutes? I thought Colombia was about a 5 hour flight.”
1: “No sir, you heard me correctly, we will be landing in Columbia in 20 minutes.”
2: “Huh, well perhaps that explains why the ticket was so cheap! I was expecting to pay over $1,000 when in reality, this ride was practically free!”
[Band forms plane and plays free ride]
2: “Wow oh wow, I can’t wait to see all these wonderful things that Colombia has to boast about. I here they have beautiful women who can dance a mean Cumbia and they also have a great soccer team, though you have to get through bumper-to-bumper traffic to get to them…hmmm…I wonder why there’s no mention of any football on—“
1: “Excuse me sir, would you like some traditional Columbian in-flight snacks? We have coffee and donuts.”
2: “Well sure! Hmmm…this doesn’t taste much different than coffee back home…I thought Colombian coffee was supposed to be all the rage…anyway, I always love getting snacks on a plane!”
[Band forms a doughnut and plays snakes on a plane]
Disembark band, the neighborhood traffic director is offering to pay all of our debts!
Georgetown 2016
Princeton at Georgetown
October 8th, 2016
Princeton wins 31-17
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
[Band forms a heart and plays Friend Like Me]
[Band forms a smiley face which turns sad and plays Buddy Holly]
Brown 2016
Brown at Princeton
October 15th, 2016
Princeton wins 31-7
Pregame:
If we can’t think of anything better for a come on line than this…It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
Commemorating the current presidential debates, the band now plays land of 1000 fact checks.
[Band plays Land of 1000 Dances]
This past summer was the 200th anniversary of the creation of Frankenstein. You can read all about it on your new Samsung smartphone. I hear it’s really made to handle the heat! If you don’t like reading and would rather listen to it, you can have Siri read it out loud for you. The problem is, you can listen all you want, but all you’ll hear is “Grab them right by the Double-double rotating P!”
[Band forms Double-double Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]
Run away band we need to work on our segues.
Halftime:
Princeton: Taking advantage of the opportunity to hash it out with our Brownies…it’s the Princeton University Band.
Brown: Oh. You’re here. Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that thought the Princeton band was on vacation with a younger and “better” band, it’s the Brown University “still bitter” Band!
[Princeton Band and Brown Band charge each other. Frolicking ensues.]
Princeton: Believe me, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have to be.
Brown: God knows why you even bothered to show up. You never even loved me or Johnny, did you?
Princeton: Well you’re one to point the finger. You certainly spend your fair share of time off in God knows where with God knows whom doing God knows what.
Brown: See this is the issue. You’re always pushing the blame off to whoever you can.
Princeton: But you never gave in, never acknowledged my needs and my desires. It was always about you having it any way you want it.
[Bands form finger pointing at brown and play “Anyway You Want It.”]
Brown: Well, it’s not like you’ve been such a piece of cake yourself. Don’t think I don’t know you’ve been hanging out and playing in your fountain with those other bands! And everyone’s been talking about what happened in Hanover! You may not remember, but we made promises and those promises mean something. I guess for you, they did mean something, but then you went and broke our heart. My mother always warned me that a Tiger would cheat, but I wanted to believe she was wrong. And even before that, it was like you weren’t even here anymore. I got a brand new blazer and you didn’t even notice! You were someone I trusted, but then you became a stranger. Now you’re just an unrecognizable browneyed tiger to me.
[Bands form angry face where Brown is the features while Brown plays “BrownEyed Girl”]
Princeton: This long distance is just really impossible. I barely even remember what your voice sounds like since all you ever do is write me letters instead of picking up the phone. This is no way to live out a marriage. I mean look at us. We see each other what? Twice? Maybe 3 times a year? We’re hardly even corpses of the people we used to be. You don’t even make an effort to come over anymore. And when you do, you’re always the same beige drabby dull person. Where is the vivacious vibrance you used to be consumed with? Everything to do with you begins and ends with the same sour note. This is not living, and definitely not loving. How did our relationship devolve to such an awfully bad romance?
[Bands form 2 sides of a heart which then breaks while Princeton plays “Bad Romance”]
Brown: I guess we both have our problems. Where did we even go wrong?
Princeton: Long distance relationships are always hard…
Brown: Well yeah, but..
Princeton: and when you’re not here, all I have is the Cannon! You know that’s not as good as Bruno’s, uhhhhhh…. cannon!
Brown: I know, but what else were we supposed to do? We both had work, and then with our child Johnny always away from us, we lost what brought us together.
Princeton: Johnny is a good part of our lives, and seeing him so little has made us both forget
how we once were. Oh Bruno, whatever happened to those days we spent together at Lawnparties here and the naked parties at Brown? ‘Twas such a romance that blossomed!
Brown: I wish we could go back to when we first met, those days we first fell in love.
Princeton: Everything was so much simpler back then, when all we had to go on was first impressions.
[Bands form bandaid and play “Impression”]
Brown: You always made me feel so safe in your arms, you tiger.
Princeton: I love it when you call me tiger. Especially when you throw in a little growl.
Brown: I just can’t really bear being without you anymore. You always know just what to say.
Princeton: You’ve always been the best band I could ask for. I know this might seem crazy, but
what do you say we move back in together?
Brown: Nothing would make me happier than to be one again. To hold you close and cuddle on
cold nights, to feel your love and warm embrace.
Princeton: You complete me. You will always be the Winnie the Pooh to my Tigger.
Brown: Let’s just warp time and try to comprise our future out of all the best times from our past.
[Bands form two sides of a heart which come together and play “Time warp”]
Princeton: How about we go find a nice fountain to mess around in? No love lost? No hard feelings?
Brown: I would like nothing more.
Princeton, Brown: Run away bands. Run away into the sunset together.
(The author has chosen to make Princeton represent the consonants and Brown represent the vowels. This is a metaphor meaning that neither one can exist without the other.)
Harvard 2016
Harvard at Princeton
October 22nd, 2016
Princeton loses 23-20 in overtime
Pregame:
Reminiscing about the final exam for Government 1310, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
Sorry, did we say final exam? We really meant final clubs.
[Band plays Final Countdown]
In a world where the final destination is a so called final club women are finally getting admitted (or punched as is the current final club lingo) into these finals. You would think this is ridiculous, but apparently Harvard has kept women out for this long. We finally have a society where finals can punch men and women equally without any sort of discrimination. Well finally. It took Harvard long enough to catch up. I suppose they will always trail far behind the Double-Double Rotating P!
[Band forms double-double rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]
Run away band, we have finals to study for.
Halftime:
So Harvard. Very tas. Much Princeton University Band.
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
Doge? Well only to fight off the CATS. Once again we find Harvard at the bottom of the food chain struggling desperately to catch up. But this hunger is self-induced. By golly, you mean Harvard is starving themselves? Why yes. Yes I do. Some might say that they like to inflict pain on themselves. Too much of a stretch? Maybe so. Well at least, instead of feeding their struggling, masochistic student body, the staff would rather go off on holiday. Can’t really blame them though. I think we would all rather spend the rest of our lives on holiday.
[Band forms ghoul and plays Holiday]
But the staff aren’t the only ones taking a holiday. Our masochistic student body has decided to protest the pay of their campus security. Seems a very noble cause, after all, security serves a very important role in campus life and students should consider their treatment. Not all at Harvard are masochistic like the students after all. The real bummer is that the campus security didn’t seem too appreciative, though. How did they react? They arrested the students. Oh well. Maybe that’s what the students wanted. They do appreciate a little pain now and again. They live in Cambridge, after all.
[Band performs flasher routine while playing Also-Sprach.]
Flashers read:
MASOCHIST FERVOUR
SO MUCH FOR VERITAS
HEAR THE TIGER ROAR]
Run away band, Harvard is about to strike out.
Cornell 2016
Princeton at Cornell
October 29th, 2016
Princeton wins 56-7
Pregame:
Aw shucks, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
Why is corn such a good listener? It’s all ears!
[Band plays I’m a believer]
How is an ear of corn like an army? It has lots of kernels. Do you know how much a pirate pays for corn? About a buccaneer. What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where is pop corn? Making a double-double rotating P for pop corn, it’s the Princeton University Band.
[Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]
Run away band. Let’s get popping.
Halftime:
Swarming the field and bugging everyone in the stands, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
Oh God! These bugs are everywhere! Jeez! Cornell seems to have more insects than agriculture majors. For those of you that are unaware, this year was the 13th annual open house for Cornell’s insectapalooza. Seriously though, what is attracting all these annoyances? Is it Halloween or the zombie-faced students? We have cockroaches, flies, stinkbugs, moths, ladybugs, butterflies, and fire ants. Great balls of fire ants!
[Band forms ant and plays Great Balls of Fire]
Ah! I have realized what is attracting all the insects. It’s not the fact that Halloween is right around the corner, it’s the corpse flower, which is indigenous to Cornell. This flower, which smells like human flesh, has developed the ability to make itself big, hot and smelly as a defense mechanism for survival. The odd thing about this flower, is that it normally blooms about every decade, but Cornell’s have bloomed 3 times in the past 4 years. Some might say that Cornell has
a problem with premature pollination. I guess this is due to all the hard work of our bee friend Johnny. He has been hard at work beeing good.
[Band forms corpse flower and plays Johnny Bee Good]
Run away band. Save that smell for Halloween.
Penn 2016
Penn at Princeton
November 5th, 2016
Princeton wins 28-0
Pregame:
I have a Penn…I have an apple…UGH! It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
We all know the whiny guy with no experience who is attempting to cling to his throne without respect for women. His name is Jeoffrey in Game of Thrones. His name is Trump in real life. Of course, some would say that Trump is a mere court jester painting his face, making his hair ridiculous, and consistently calling attention to himself in a way that no one can take him seriously. Me? I just stick to what I know, like the double-double rotating P.
[Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]
[Band clears to sideline]
[Parachuters are announced]
[Band plays Princeton Forward March]
[Band plays Final Countdown]
Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the playing of the national anthem by the Princeton University Band.
[Band plays Banner]
Run away band, it’s time for a new court jester.
Halftime:
Quaker? I hardly know her! It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
Well I’d say the steaks are pretty high for this game. Well at least the cheesesteaks are high on my mind. All this Pennt up anxiety is making me hungry. I’ve been practically quaking with excitement all game! I mean, the outcome of this game is openn to so many possibilities. I just hope it ends well; not as disastrous as some of humanities previous outcomes like UPenn or Pompeii. Well I guess Penn didn’t burn down…yet.
[Band forms a P and plays Pompeii]
But really, there are so many possible outcomes of this game. Penn could win. Princeton could win. Clinton could win. Johnson could win. Castle could win. Stein could win. Franklin could win. Franklin? Yeah, the guy on the hundred dollar bill, even though he was never president. I say we give him a chance to run this country. He could run all the way from his grave in Philly to the white house in DC. He could run this country faster than rocky ran up the steps to the art museum.
[Band forms an I and plays Eye of the Tiger]
Run away band. Franklin’s spinning in his grave.
Yale 2016
Princeton at Yale
November 12th, 2016
Princeton wins 31-3
Pre-Game:
Rip in spaghetti, never forgetti…it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band scrambles onto the field]
Our fearless leader, Leea Driskell, recently messed up her knee…doing…no one really knows what. We were really curious as to what happened, though, so we compiled a list of all the possible events that could have caused her injury:
- Tripping and falling while chasing the love of her life: the corgi
- Cookie baking…to the extreme (can you imagine)
- Racing to steal Broadway tickets from other residential colleges
- Attempting to stave off boredom sitting at her job at Frist
- Rehashing an old injury from rugby
- The Penn Band (3real5me)
- Jumping in a bounce castle…nah, those are for kids. We’ll leave the bounce castles to the children of L.
The band now forms an L and plays the Children of L.
[Band forms an L and plays Children of Sanchez teaser into You Can Call Me Al]
We only tease, but we really do love the commander of our ranks and we support her in all the fights she has for us. Whether the fight is about missing her yearly rewatch of Gilmore Girls, or that she has run out of cheese (primarily Brie), Leea brings the heat. This is really convenient when one of her favorite pastimes is baking! Though we wish she had little pupper we could all play with (Preferably a corgi-husky) (actually tho), we do really love her cookies and pastries. Forming two cookies, pastries, or bags of trash on the field the band now plays Sweet Baked Goods.
[Band forms two circles and plays Sweet Caroline]
Run away b-…or rather…take me away boys.
Halftime:
I’ve been scraping the bottom for a while now…it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
Where are we? Yale? You mean Yale Illinois? No, Yale Iowa. Sorry, Yale Kansas. Yale Michigan? Mississippi? Ohio? Oklahoma? South Dakota? Virginia? Washington? Yale township Nebraska? Ah, you must mean Yale, the light rail station in the RTD service of Denver, Colorado. Still no? Well wherever we are, I guess this is the 13th best Yale in the country. In either case, we’re still in the middle of the rankings—sorry, the middle of finding a new mascot—dang, the middle of nowhere!
[Band forms “muppet crumbs” and plays The Middle]
We heard Yale was in the middle of trying to find a new mascot and we figured we would offer some suggestions. You could be the Yale Snails since you always come in last. I suppose you could be the Yale Whales as you’re always too big and slow to win. Ooooo, you could be the Yale Pales, though we aren’t asking what you’d be filled with! I think the Yale Kale would be fitting because no one really likes you, but some people pretend to. Ah! The yale bail; useful for getting out of jail. My personal favorite is the Yale waaaaaaaaaaaail. Cause life is just that bad here. Of course, if none of these options suit you, you could go with your state bird; the robin! Though…between you and me, since you’re in New Haven, you might wanna be the Robin Hood…
[Band forms “bird” and plays Robin Hood]
And now, on behalf of Princeton University Band Head Manager Eli Tettelbach, Potentate of Pizza and Baron of Buses; Conductor Michael Torre III, Oligarch of Orchestration and Maharajah of Music; Drum Major Jonkyle Goldman, Sultan of Scripts and Duke of Dancing; and President Leea Driskell, Sovereign of “Same” and Regina of “RIP,” this is your announcer, Noah Hastings, Shah of Shouting and Kaiser of Copying, signing off. Right, so if we can all just pretend that Squidward was a fireman, or some guy in an ambulance, then I’m sure that we can all pull together and discover what it truly means to be in a marching band.”
Run away band, our Elis will always be better.
Dartmouth 2016
Dartmouth at Princeton
November 19th, 2016
Princeton wins 38-21
Pregame:
Undefeated since 1919, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
Ya know, since we’re so good at remaining undefeated, we may as well go ahead and take advantage of our inability to fail. What other incredible things can we do wince we know we can’t lose? We could practice our tightrope walking between Fine Hall and New South. We could try our hand at the most dangerous profession; logging. We could run for president! We can’t lose! What letter does president start with? A double-double rotating P!
[Band forms double-double rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]
As some of you may know, this year is triangle’s 125th anniversary. To help them celebrate, the band will now play Basin Street Blues while triangle members and alumni form a kickline on the field.
[Band forms an arc and plays Basin Street Blues]
Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise and remove your headwear for the playing of the National Anthem by the Princeton University Band.
[National Anthem]
Run away band, time to celebrate another victory.
Halftime:
Excuse me, I think you dropped something…your standards…it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
Hmmm…Dartmouth’s band isn’t here today…I wonder why…maybe they got stuck in traffic. Maybe they all froze in a blizzard. Maybe their poor playing upset their fans enough that the fans took unfortunate action. Actually…ya know, it was probably just that they don’t care about their team. We would never do that to our athletics. We’re best buddies.
[Band forms 😀 and plays Buddy Holly]
Dartmouth Dartmouth Dartmouth*
Dartmouth used ice punch! It wasn’t very effective…
Dartmouth Dartmouth Dartmouth*
Dartmouth used ice beam! It wasn’t very effective…
Enemy Dartmouth is confused.
[Band forms D which breaks and plays Game of Thrones]
Princeton Princeton Princeton**
Princeton used ember! It was super effective!
Princeton Princeton Princeton**
Princeton used flamethrower! It was super effective!
Enemy Dartmouth fainted.
[Band forms P and plays Tiger Rag]
Run away band, it’s intentionally ambiguous.
*said with Jynx’s voice
**said with Arcanine/Growlithe’s voice
Princeton University Band 