2015 Football Season

Team Record: 5-5
Band Record: 10-0

Lafayette 2015​

Princeton at Lafayette
September 19th, 2015
Princeton wins 40-7

Lafayette did not allow a show for this game.

Lehigh 2015

Lehigh at Princeton
September 26th, 2015
Princeton wins 52-26

​Pregame:
We may be bad at music, but at least we’re good at floor hockey, it’s the Princeton University Band!

Look behind you Band! A Wild Lehigh Marching Band appeared! They look a little lost. Let’s soothe their homesickness with

“Oh Little Town of Bethlehem”

A lot of people like to make fun of our hats. The Princeton University Band hat is steeped in history, first worn on a magical gondola ride in 1738. But the Band always does its due diligence, and we considered many other options for our iconic headgear!

• We tried out Marching Band hats before we realized that their feathers were attracting birds of prey
• We tried wearing kittens before our members stopped to cuddle with them. They then attracted birds of prey
• We tried to wear Donald Trump’s toupee before it attracted war hawks
• We tried wearing football helmets before we got confused with a Pee Wee football team
• We tried wearing mitres, but we got too top heavy and fell over!

Evidently, Band doesn’t have the benedictory balance that the Pope has! But since then, we’ve been working on our core strength with dynamic new exercises. You could even say that Princeton practices progressively, preventing papal peril.

Perceiving papal popularity, the Band plays “Going Back To Nassau Hall” and forms a Double Double Rotating P!

Since the government is still shut down, we took it upon ourselves to come up with a plan for the future of America. We invited all of the Princetonian politicians back to campus (we know they weren’t the ones causing the problems) and Ben Bernanke led us in a meeting dubbed the Princeton University Summit to Solve the Issue.

The decision of said summit was that Princeton would unite with the rest of the Ivy League, except Columbia since they don’t have anything useful — not even hotel administrators! We would all live off our endowments while the rest of the country withered and died. President Eisgruber’s throne from the installation has been brought back out and he is now reigning Grand Emperor over the country.

Expressing our pride in our newly founded nation, the band forms a P for Princeton and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.”

​HALFTIME:
Soon the Living will envy the dead, It’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches on to Forward)

The Band would like to welcome all freshmen and new students. To help you get acclimated to life at the Best Old Place of all, the Band would like to extend some of its most helpful advice to students. Faced with a long paper and a short deadline? Try triple-spacing your paper! No one will notice-we promise. As a last resort, you can always try to post your essay to Tinder for editing advice. Swipe left to pass, swipe right for a D! You can even submit essays to the PrincetonU snapchat, just make sure to leave out the underscore. Recognizing the new world order of literature, the Band forms the Snapchat ghost and plays “Any way you want it”
​
(Band forms a ghost and plays Any Way You Want It)

There’s another important tradition that freshman may not have heard of yet! Every year, any student who can successfully steal Loki the hedgehog is guaranteed all A+’s. But make sure that you don’t repeat what happened last year! Sensing students who were Thored at Firestone, Loki escaped! A sudden gust of wind swept him all of the way to Lehigh University! He realized he was in over his hedge,so he decided to keep it low-key and become the new mascot.  Forming Loki’s wheel and his secret spirit animal, the Band plays “Eye Of The Tiger”
​
(Band forms hamster wheel and plays Eye Of The Tiger)

Loki wasn’t a sonic hedgehog, so he needed to find his own way home. Channeling his inner Bruce Quillis, Loki hatched a brilliant plan. A natural hog with a prickly disposition, Loki was a perfect fit for politics! His campaign work in Bethlehem caught the attention of none other than Donald Trump. Trump offered him the only position above vice presidency- his toupee.  When Trump made his campaign stop in Princeton, Loki made his escape, and finally made it home. Celebrating Loki’s return, the Band forms Donald Trump’s hair, and plays “Free Ride”

(Band forms toupee and plays Free Ride)

Run Away Band, we’re sticklers for timeliness

Columbia 2015

Columbia at Princeton
October 2nd, 2015
Princeton wins 10-5

Pregame:
 Get in loser, it’s The Princeton University Band!

(Band marches on to Cannon)

Trying to get a better view of the super mo the Band faces Columbia and plays Roar Lion Roar

(Band turns on field and plays “Roar Lion Roar”)

In recent earth-shattering news, there has been water found on Mars! In hearing this news, Cloister decided to pack up their clubhouse and move to the Red planet. When they arrived, they discovered that Forbes was already there!

In fact, there was a whole jamboree up on Mars. Marvelous marsupials were making martinis and margaritas. Marinated maraschino marshmallow marmalades  could be found all around. Marxists marketed marginalized marble maracas, making a beautiful symphony.

But in the worst turn of events, the plastics were already there, and had staked out there territory. You can’t just ask someone why they aren’t a Martian! The water found that Mars was much too crowded, so it decided to chill out and head to the planet Pluto. Honoring water’s new home, the Band forms a Double-Double-Rotating-P and plays “Going Back To Nassau Hall”

​​Halftime:
Yo momma is so classless, she could be a Marxist Utopia.  It’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches on to Forward)

The nation of Colombia just ended a 40 year dispute with Marxist rebels. To celebrate a new era of peace, the Marxists decided to take a vacation to New York City. There, they found the dashingly handsome Columbia University Marching Band, where their predilection for sticking together led them to the Drum Line.  The Marxists were never really in tune with the bourgeois of King’s College, and succeeded before they would harmony one.  The Columbia Band put a snare in their plan, meeting them with sharp threats, de-bassing this major development. The Drum Line decided to scale back, and threw a communist pre-game to relax. One thing led to another, and there was a full-fledged communist party! Celebrating this two-for-one special, the Band forms a party hat and places “241”

(Band forms triangle and plays 241)

Columbia needed to reclaim its Band. It enlisted the help of Uber to move its forces throughout the sprawling metropolis. The Drumline retaliated, summoning House Taxi Union and House Super Blood Moon to bolster its forces. Soon, the quibble grew into a full-on war. Columbia enlisted House Marquand, who specializes in demoralizing their opponents with dehydration. House Slytherin and House Rockefeller joined in the fray, creating a whole ruckus. The Beatle-ful House Lennon encouraged both parties to just give peace a chance. House Cornell showed up, but no one really felt that they belonged. In the midst of this political chaos, the Canadian Dothraki Mounties tried to sweep in to pillage the fertile lands. They were quickly spelled by the wall-building abilities of Donald Trumpgaryan. Just when the night seemed dark and full of terrors, Chris Eisgruber rode in on his orange and black dragon, bringing order to the war-torn kingdom. Forming the one true King, the Band forms President Eisgruber and plays

​“Game Of Tones”

Run away band, Marquand sends its regards

Colgate 2015

Colgate at Princeton
October 10th, 2015
Princeton wins 44-20

​Pregame:
At least you’ve heard of us, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches on to Cannon)

Avast Band! Some raiders are trying to take your booty! Watch your stern!

(Band turns and plays “He’s a Pirate”)

Yaarrr Band, ye have scared away the Raiders! For a school named after toothpaste, they certainly have some awful breath. But these raiders aren’t just normal raiders- they’re pirates!

But those jokes were really just an ApARRRRRRRRRitif! In fact, you could say these jokes are much above pARRRRRRR. What lead to Colgate having such bad breath? Some say its too many cigARRRRRS. Other think its too much gARRRRRRRRlic and cARRRRRRbs found in the gARRRRRRbage. But what if its from their pet AAAAAAARdvARRRRRRK ARRRRRRthur? ARRRRDinarily, we’d ARRRRREST with the Pirate noises, but we feel pretty ARRRdently that these are funny. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? A double double rotating P!

Band forms P and plays “Going Back”

Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise and remove your hats for the playing of the national anthem.

Halftime:
It’s Wacky Time! It’s the Princeton University Band!

Volkswagen recently made headlines for rigging their engines to perform better on fuel emissions tests. The bug-like buggy had some bugs!  For this, the international dishonor board has decided to administer dishonor upon Volkswagen, dishonor upon its ancestors, and dishonor to its cow. Volkswagen has decided to take up Princeton’s honor code, and turn over a new leaf. Now on the cutting edge of technology, they have decided to investiTgate new, energy efficient ways to power their vehicles.

First they tried to pull their car with an army of beetles. But too many of them were going stag. They tried to reunite The Beatles, but found that they were half the Band they used to be. From this, they found a new niche market: making cars for beetles. They made their cars smaller and smaller, and the beetles fit snugly inside. Proud of this achievement, Volkswagen decided to put all of those secret fuel emissions to good use, and fill up some red balloons to throw a party. To their surprise, the car started to fly away! Forming Volkswagen’s newest model of the Volkswagen Fly, the Band plays 99 Luftbalons

(Band Forms Balloon and plays 99 Luftbalons)

As this new vehicle was flying over the Atlantic, it noticed something- a sad and lonely hurricane, twisting in the wind. His name was Joaquin, and he just wanted a friend. Meanwhile, in the exotic land of New Jersey, there was a governor who was looking for some excitement in his life. He went onto Craigslist and made a new posting. “Missed connection. Me 5’11”. Human. You: One Eye, possibly foreign. Took my breath away. Wanna hurricane and chill?”  Just then, his phone buzzed with a text from an unknown number.

Someone had said yes.

The governor was filled with energy, freshened up with his finest Colgate toothpaste and planned a whole welcoming party for his new friend. But Joaquin decided to blow the date off, and headed off for a soirée in Bermuda.  The governor had already prepared everything for his arrival, but it turns out it was a premature evacuation. Honoring this missed connection, the Band forms Joaquin, and plays “Carry On, My Wayward Storm”

(Band forms Hurricane and plays “Carry On My Wayward Son”)

Run away Band, the Boohbahs are coming!

Brown 2015

Princeton at Brown
October 17th, 2015
Princeton loses 31-38

​​​Pregame:
 Dragging our Nobel Prizes onto the Field, It’s The P.U.B!

Watch out Band! It’s Bear season! Let’s give them a warm greeting!

(Band turns and plays parody of Brown fight song)

At Princeton, we are very concerned about the environment. We’ve protected our tigers for years, and also look really awesome on Halloween. What have you done lately for the environment Brown?

I mean, a bear isn’t even an endangered species! You should try changing your mascot to a polar bear -I think that would really get students charged up. Or what about a panda? He could become your CEO, Cutest Executive Officer. And don’t get me started on the last time I went Baking with the Brown Bear! He just kept adding honey, and got fur all in my brownies. Bruno may not have the right to bear arms in Providence, but at least he has the right to make awesome bear claws.

But the Brown bear ended up making it up to me. He pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker’s man, and then baked me a cake as fast as he could. He patted it, shaped it, and marked it with a DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING P!


Halftime:
 Mmmmm, smells like Hash Browns, It’s The Princeton University Band!

Band Marches on to Cannon

Princeton prides itself on being a generous friend. As such, we have decided to bestow a new mascot upon Brown, in order to make up for the departure of Bruno the Bear in that recent endangered species fiasco. Arriving at just under the speed of light, Albert Einstein apperated on a sleepy autumn night in Providence. With his Nobel prizes in tow, Eintstein began sweeping reforms across campus. He went to his bag of research tricks and found one that would really help the student body. Inspired by some lion-like alumnus, Einstein gave each student a time-turner, so they had more time to devote to scholarly activities. Honoring the best addition to college since instant ramen, the Band forms a time-turner and plays “The Time Warp”

(Band forms hourglass and plays Time Warp)

The success of the time turner emboldened Einstein, and he wanted to make Brown and even better place. He instilled a campus wide policy of Brownian motion, but found that it lead to a few too many drunkard’s walks. He tried showing every student how to create a nuclear bomb, but was for some reason discouraged by very persuasive men in suits. He tried making a new a capella group, Run EMC. but couldn’t decide on what genre it should be. That said, he still dropped a mixtape that was straight fire. But above all else, the impact of Einstein can be seen in early-morning classrooms all throughout the University. Students were inspired not by his equations or soothing voice, but by his luscious locks. Forming the comb that will never be used on Brown’s campus again, the Band plays “The Impression That I Get”

Band forms comb and plays “The Impression That I Get”

Run away Band, There’s something Brown and Sticky Coming!

Harvard 2015

Princeton at Harvard
October 24th, 2015
Princeton loses 7-42

​​Pregame:
Gobble Gobble Gobble, it’s the Princeton University Band!

Recently, Harvard students have been captivated by the appearance of a mysterious turkey in Boston. In fact, this turkey was so well integrated that he become a full-feathered Harvard student! The transition was seamless- though he is the only student without a 4.0 GPA. He studies civic engineering by walking into the middle of traffic. Sometimes, Pietro channels his inner geosciences student, and looks to the sky -before he nearly drowns in the rain that is. But Pietro’s greatest academic contributions have come in his studies of the English language. What’s his favorite letter? A Double
Double Rotating P!

Run away Band the baster is coming!

Halftime:
We’re the stuff that dreams are made of, it’s the Princeton University Band

Happy Halloween Harvard! We originally came up to play at the annual Halloween Puppy Parade, but unfortunately found out that Tigers were not on the list of acceptable animals. So instead, we’re here, at the number two university in the country. But you know, things aren’t that bad here, and we’ve learned that Harvard students and puppies are actually quite alike! Like puppies, Harvard students are much cuter than they are smart. They like being led around on leashes and are more fun to look at than to talk to. Both have been seen waking up crying at 3am and have lived lives of pampering and belly rubs. Harvard students can sit. And some can even speak! It looks like you’ve found another way to key pup with Yale! Forming a dog bone on the field, the Band plays “Land of 1000 Puppies”

(Band forms dog bone and plays Land of 1000 Dances)

Recently, Harvard made national headlines for being beaten in debate by a team of prisoners. I guess that’s what happens when you go to an institution that teaches you real-world skills! In fact, we think that there are a lot of things that Harvard can learn from prisons! With just a few small improvements, you can make Crimson the new Black. In prison, people occasionally have hot breakfast, and even have consistent wireless access. You’re both full of liars and cheaters, but at least prisoners have honor. But Harvard is making progress! This year, Harvard’s under-performing endowment fund shows that Harvard is trying to take money away from the rich and give to the needy. Honoring this new-found altruism, the Band forms Harvard’s endowment and plays “Robin Hood”

(Band forms Cent sign and plays Robin Hood)

​Run away Band, you can still make it to the parade.

Cornell 2015

Cornell at Princeton
October 31st, 2015
Princeton wins 47-21

Pregame:
No Need To Fear, The Princeton University Band is here!

(Band marches on to Cannon)

Look Band, there’s something spooky behind you!

(Band turns and plays mock Cornell fight song)

We just have to confess our feelings.

I’m in Cornell its a typical Tuesday night
And I find myself thinking that the Bandies aren’t all alike
And they’ll never know to scramble like I do…

But they march in time
We can’t make lines
They’re the Big Red
And we dance like Goobers
Dreaming about the day when they march  up and find
What they’re looking for has been here the whole time…

A Double Double Rotating P!

Halftime:
We’ve all been there, it’s the Princeton University Band!

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a very important time -No Shave November! In preparation for the coming winter, we’ve been working really hard to develop some powerful whiskers. At first, we were hesitant about growing it out, but our beards have really grown on us. That said, it hasn’t been easy, and we’ve tried lots of creative techniques to grow out our beards.

• We tried using Rogaine on our faces
• We tried moving somewhere cold, like Canada; or Ithaca!
• We concentrated really really hard
• We tried not shaving!

But we’re going to let you in on our secret beard-making recipe. First you add liquefied candy corn, then a little love, and a cup of butter, you’ll soon be warm and stylish. Forming our newfound discovery, the Band forms our beards, and plays “Beard Me Up Buttercup”

(Band forms Beard and plays “Build Me Up Buttercup”)

But let’s not forget about the holiday that’s happening today!  We’ve decided to dress up as a Marching Band! And look! Cornell is dressing up as Ivy League students! We know that Cornell students really just want to dress up as Princeton students, but we have lots of costume suggestions that may be a bit more appropriate.

With all of the farms in upstate New York, some Cornell students decided to dress up as Big Red cows! In the spirit of the Great Pumpkin, some dress up as gorgeous gourds! And some even dress as gorgeous gorges! Some students didn’t get the memo about the holiday, and decided to be Big Red Santa Claus instead. Cornell, we know that there are too many hills in Ithaca for your to really go trick-or-treating, so we have decided to give you something sweet to eat this year! Showing that Orange will always be the color of Halloween, the Band forms Candy Corn, and plays “Sweet Cornelline”

​(Band forms Candy Corn and plays Sweet Caroline)

Run away Band, you’ll spoil your supper

Penn 2015

Princeton at Penn
November 7th, 2015
Princeton loses 23-26
​
Pregame:
It’s Fast, It’s Cheap, It’s Good Enough: Its the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches on to Cannon)

We are super excited to be playing at Drexel today! Wait, we just got news that we are actually playing at Penn State -our mistake. Well, fortunately, there are a lot of things that make Penn and Penn State pretty alike! For example, both schools are in Pennsylvania! And both schools are wont to throw grains onto the field during football games! We know that Wharton is already trying to secede from Penn and become its own school, so we thought that you could take this opportunity to make things more clear, and calls yourselves “U Pencil” instead. What’s a good mascot for U Pencil? A DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING P!

(Band forms P and plays going back to Nassau Hall)

Halftime:
​​​I guess you guys aren’t ready for this, but your kids are gonna love it, It’s The Princeton University Band!

(Band marches on to Forward)

We went trick-or-treating a Penn this year and only got oats! Rumor has it that if you stay up all night in a oat field, the Great Quaker will come by and give you a treat! We didn’t see him this year, but we are sure that he will appear next time! Right now, we have a big basket full of grains that we are t-oats looking forward to. Forming our new favorite utensil, the Band plays “Basket Case” 

(Band forms spoon and plays “Basket Case”)

We think that we’ve found the secret to Ben Franklin’s success. It turns out that he really just invented a Time Machine, and he stole his inventions from the future! He brought back swimming fins to realize his dream of becoming a fish. Ben Franklin brought the fire station to Philadelphia in order to divert attention from his smoking hot good looks.

But Franklin also brought cultural change to Philadelphia. On a cold winter evening, he brought something they’d never heard before, and rocked out on the Liberty Bell with his new electric guitar. Forming Ben Franklin’s axe, the Band plays
“Johnny B. Goode”

(Band forms spoon again)

Wait, you guys already did that.

(Formation changes to be guitar)

Okay better.

(Band plays Johnny B. Goode)

Run away Band, where we’re going, we don’t need roads.

Yale 2015

Yale at Princeton
November 14th, 2015
Princeton loses 28-35
Homecoming

​​​​Pregame:
It’s John Cena!

(Band plays John Cena riff)

Just kidding, its the Princeton University Band!

Have you ever heard Yale’s fight song? It sounds like it was written by a three year old. We are as big fans of onomatopoeia as the next person, but dogs don’t even say bow-wow anyway! We know that Yale English majors are very busy being the entirety of the school and the music majors are busy composing “Old Mc’Eli Had A Farm,” so we’ve decided to make a few improvements.

I’m a little Bulldog can’t you see?
I’m from New Haven that scares me
When I come to Princeton I find a tree
For My Double Double Rotating P!

(Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall)

Halftime:
Snip Snip, It’s The Princeton University Band!

In light of the recent stoppage of the Keystone Oil Pipeline, greedy Canadian oil barons have shunted off oil access to New Haven! Fortunately, no one notices since the streets are already full of sludge! After the mayor’s proposal for an oil slip-and-slide fell through, Yale decided to embrace the advice of its presidential alumni, and frack in the middle of New Haven. Now there is a giant chasm and the water is unsafe to drink. But what’s new? Forming the new symbol for Yale, the Band plays “Summertime Sadness”

(Band forms oil rig and plays Summertime Sadness)

The polluted wasteland of Yale had hit the local wildlife, and there were reports of three-headed bulldogs running amok. Most creatures would run away in fear, but there was one hero who was too fat and slow to actually run away. Tony the Sloth guarded over New Haven, using his laziness and inability to move to lull the opposition into a false sense of security. One day, when the weather machine struck just right, Tony issued a challenge to the head dog. But this wasn’t just any challenge: It was a speed caviar eating challenge. The loser would have to leave town forever.

They ate and ate furiously. The match played to Tony’s rotund strengths, and he pulled away in the end. New Haven was saved.

Moral of the story? Help control the pet population.

(Band forms concert arc, plays “Also Sprach Zarathustra)
​
Flashers spell out
ABLE PUDGY SLOTH
which anagrams to
SPAY THE BULLDOG
which flips to reveal
ROAR TIGERS ROAR

Dartmouth 2015

Princeton at Dartmouth
November 21st, 2015
Princeton loses 10-17

Pregame:
​​Why Are You Encouraging Them? It’s The Princeton University Band!
(Brought To You By Doctor Thunder)

The communists are coming! Fortunately, with a delectable combination of Doctor Thunder and Riley’s “Special Stuff,” (along with some Acme weaponry) our kilted crusader was able to blast the commies off to the moon. After this adventure, Riley took a job with the US government, where he perfected the skills of drinking scotch while playing Kerbal Space Program, and sending lots of emails.

But Riley got tired of his work with the government, and decided to become an entrepreneur. Today, he runs a jelly store, where he sells “Riley’s Sweet Jam” You Jelly?

Forming our morning space toast and honoring the many colors of Riley’s Sweet Jam, the Band plays “Rise And Slam ’39”

(Band forms Triangle and plays Rise And Shine ’39)

After hearing of his success in the private sector, the government brought Riley back, looking to turn his jam into Space Jam. Unfortunately, he fell off the rocket as it was blasting into space, breaking his foot yet again. At least Mjonlir was safe. Riley retreated into anonymity, protecting Princeton as the mysterious kilted man with a tuba. They tried to coax him out of retirement with their famous turkey of the year, but it turned out that Riley had other engagements. Speak now or forever hold your peace as the Band forms a Double Double Rotating Engagement Ring and plays “Back The Nass Up”

(Band Forms Two Circles and Plays “Going Back To Nassau Hall”)

Hobble Away Band, The Cheerleaders Are Angry

Halftime:
Take Out Your Dentures, Its The Princeton University Band!

We here at the Princeton Band are always on the look for some sheep thrills. In this regard, we think that we always bleat the competition. Before we leave you guys and go on the lamb, we have a story.

Bernie the Sheep was a happy sheep. He had a corgi friend who would herd him around, and a fuzzy wuzzy jacket to keep him cozy. But one day, tragedy struck, and his hair started to fall out! Bernie was a creative sheep, and went to creative means to stay warm. Fortunately, Bernie, sporting his finest Vermont Flannel Factory jacket, blends right into the crowd at Hanover. Now Bernie’s sits in Starbucks, drinking microbrewed coffee from mason jars while writing his autobiography. What’s its title? You Can Call Me Alopecia!

(Band Forms Sheep And Plays “Ewe Can Call Me Al”)

In case you haven’t heard, there’s a holiday coming up next week! This year, we have a lot of things to be thankful for.

•  We get to leave Hanover!
• We have all 10 fingers and haven’t lost any to frostbite
• We’re thankful for Donald Trump for being the butt of 90% of our jokes
• Lena Dubitsky

But wait, what’s this? It looks like Halloween has come late this year! Last year’s turkey has come back, and we have a poultry-geist on our hands! Fortunately, we are masterful with basters and already have a turkey of the year with us! He didn’t get the memo that it isn’t Fowl-O-Ween! Our favorite ghost has decided to give up his haunting ways and become a Ghoul Scout, where he now brings tasty cookies to Thanksgiving every year.

Honoring our new cause for celebration, the Band forms a ghost and plays “Holiday”

(Band forms ghost and plays “Holiday”)

And now, on behalf of President Tyler Alexis Davis, Wrangler of Third Graders and Exemplar of Perfectionless Effort, Drum Major Mary [Mary’s Middle Name] Gilstad, Queen of Maryland and Jonny Depp Incarnate; Head Manager Alisa Mikhailovna Kroutikova, who also manages our stomachs and legs, but not our spirits; and Student Conductor Riley McCray-Cray Fitzgerald, whose Bass Trombone levels buildings; this is your half-Canadian half-announcer Ben-nay-nay McIntosh, signing off. Thank you for joining us. Courage. Goodnight.