2012 – Princeton University Band

2012 Football Season

Team Record: 5-5
Band Record: 10-0

Bonfire!

Lehigh 2012

Princeton at Lehigh
September 15th, 2012
Princeton loses 14-17

Halftime:
As the school year gets underway at both Princeton and Lehigh, the Band wants to make sure that freshmen aren’t missing out on exciting, lesser-known classes. Here’s our list of recommended courses:

Political Science 101: Sounding Smart
Math 400: When Two Plus Two Doesn’t Equal Four
Anthropology 310: An in-depth look at “YOLO”
Creative Writing 101: Writing Twilight Slash Fanfiction
Film 300: “300”
Wumbology 101: The Study of Wumbo
Music 306: Yodeling
Creative Writing 205: Rewriting the Classics – “The Pun Also Rises”
Italian 463: Is It Amore?
Comparative Literature 101: Judging Books By Their Covers
Art 480: Defense Against the Dark Arts
Canadian Studies 101: What It’s All A-boot

In support of the many choices of first classes out there, the Band form our desired grade and plays “A”ny Way You Want It.

(Band forms the letter “A” and plays “Any Way You Want It”)

Run away, Band. You always just end up taking Sociology courses.

(Band scrambles off of field.)

Geargotown 2012

Georgetown at Princeton
September 21st, 2012
Princeton loses 20-21

Pregame:
Whenever, wherever, however you need it – it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches on to “The Princeton Cannon Song.”)

To get a better understanding of Georgetown, the Band decided to take a trip there. We learned quite a lot:

We met the King, George the 69th.
We were surprised to see not a single popped collar, though we did see quite a few arkhaligs.
There was a remarkable prevalence of foreign language speakers.
Everything had a very “former Soviet republic” kind of feel. Like living in Wilson.
We were extremely surprised to find that the food wasn’t terrible, though people kept trying to give us goulash.

It wasn’t until later that we realized we had accidentally ventured to the nation of Georgia, the Unitary, Self-Presidential Republic. Well, going with Georgetown’s motto of “Both Into One,” they may as well combine the two places. How different could they be?
For all we know, they were named for the same George. Think of all the Georges in the world:

Town
of the Jungle
Takay
Clooney
Gershwin
Washington
Harrison
Thoroughgood
Jets`on
Curious
Feeny
Lucas
W. Bush
Castanza
Lopez
Weasly
Foreman
Michael
Orwell
Stephanopolous

And the Double-Double Rotating Prince!

(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.”)

Everyone please rise for the presentation of the colors by the Princeton ROTC, and the playing of our national anthem by the Princeton University Band.

(ROTC comes onto field. Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner.”)

Run away Band. Everyone knows that you don’t really speak Georgian.

Halftime:
Spending $50 million of our own money to achieve a 47% rating in the polls, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March.”)

Remarkably, the Band recently stumbled upon a copy of an unused Mitt Romney speech. We’ll share it with you now.
“Now, it’s not that I’m only not concerned about the very poor. I’m also not concerned about children. Or workers. Or women. Or voters.”
“Corporations are people too. There are many things that are actually people. $100 bills, unfertilized human eggs, even Sarah Jessica Parker.”
“I want to apologize about strapping Jack the Bulldog to the roof of my car, given that Jack didn’t make it through. To make up for it, I’d like to suggest some new mascots for Georgetown:

Mike the Cat
My unreleased pre-2010 tax returns
Fox News”

“You could always make Paul Ryan your mascot: he’s the hottest thing since Dick… Cheney. Although, to be honest, Scrooge McDuck was my real first choice.”
“ Now, I know I haven’t revealed my full economic plan, so let me explain it now. I’m going to fill the deficit by cutting the following things:

The Democratic Party
Education
All entitlements
Government”

“Furthermore, I think I’ll find great success with my new 5-point plan to pretend to be human.”
Forming Mitt Romney posing as a human being, the Band plays “I’ll Make a Man Out of You.”

(Band forms a stick figure, complete with prop dollar signs, and plays “I’ll Make a Man Out of You.”)

Apple recently shocked the world with the newly-released iPhone 5, which includes such innovative new features as:

The ability to make phone calls
iTunes compatibility
Integrated touchscreen technology
Wireless telephonic capabilities – Leave the cables at home, folks!”

You know what? NO, Apple. I will not get excited about your iPhone 5. It may be new, but it looks like it runs an iPhone 4 simulator constantly in the background. Instead, consider our suggestions for new iPhone features:

An actual airplane mode, able to propel you through the air
InstaSpam: It lets you takes pictures of random objects, apply a sepia filter, and then spam facebook with it
Jerk-Detector (Warning: this may beep all the time if you’re a Georgetown student.)
Words with people you met through that guy at a party that you don’t know all that well
Angrier Birds
Subway voice translator, turning “Hmmurphadamurlaph” into “Next stop in four minutes.”
Internet Explorer 10: Internet Hermit
Call Me Maybe? App, which automatically rejects half of all your incoming calls.

Forming an iPhone on the field, the Band plays “Call Me Maybe.”

(Band forms iPhone on the field and plays “Call Me Maybe.”)

Run away Band, Apple might sure you for forming a rectangle with rounded edges.

(Band scrambles off of field.)

Columbia 2012

Princeton at Columbia
September 29th, 2012
Princeton wins 33-6

Pregame:
Hey baby, did it hurt when you fell from the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches on to “The Princeton Cannon Song.”)

Hey Band, look behind you; it’s Columbia!

(Band plays parody of “Roar, Lion, Roar”)

You know what’s awesome? Cute animals in cute situations.

A slow lorris with an umbrella
Red pandas in the snow
Baby pandas sneezing
Puppies in any context
Hedgehogs in tubes
Kittens in cups
All dogs that aren’t pugs
Manatees with their noses all smushed against the glass so they can see you better and be your friend
Teacup pigs in teacups
Dolphins in propeller hats
Miniature whales in miniature oceans
Any animal that isn’t a bunny wearing bunny ears
Bunnies wearing bunny ears
Ducklings being blown over in the wind

And the double-double rotating Pooh and Piglet!

(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.”)

Run away Band. You’ll never be as cute as those animals.

(Band scrambles off of field.)

Halftime:
Fizzing onto the field liked a banned 16 ounce soda, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March.”)

Along with the recent ban of all sodas larger than 16 ounces, the Band was surprised to find a host of other regulations now in place in New York:

Football fields are now limited to 100 ft.
Wall Street is now just Fence Street.
New York City is too large and had to get rid of something. Sorry Staten Island.
Burger King is now just Burger Duke.
The City that Never Sleeps now must take regular power naps.
The show “Book of Mormon” is now just “Pamphlet of Mormon.”
Smart cars are too smart – they’re being downgraded to marginally talented cars.

It protest of these new ban, the Band downs an extra-large cup of soda and plays “It’s My Life.”

(Band forms a soda cup with slowly-decreasing liquid level and plays “It’s My Life.”)

That soda ban is pretty serious. But surely there are better ways to make New Yorkers healthier. Try our ideas.

Replace all taxis with giant hamster balls.
Loose tigers on the streets of the city. Nothing burns calories like running from a tiger.
Make people watch the New York Mets play – making them want to throw up.
Replace elevators with the ropes from your high school gym class.
Change all up-escalators into down-escalators.
Make everyone take part in Nathan’s hot dog eating contest – ensuring that they never eat again.
Offer free Zumba classes

We were surprised to see that Sarah Jessica Parker is already working hard pulling a carriage in the city. In tribute to all the pounds we’re going to shed once we start our Zumba class, the Band forms a New Yorker getting healthier and plays “Land of 1000 Dances.”

(Band forms human figure with waist decreasing from large to normal and plays “Land of 1000 Dances.”)

It’s been a bad week for animals: a baby giant panda cub was lost, and a cat was accidentally euthanized by a veterinarian after it was brought in for a flea bath. To get closer to our animal friends, here are some group meetings you might be interested in:

Marsupials and Me
Pop Dancing: Oppan Doggie Style
Alligators Anonymous
Writing halftime scripts: fishin for puns
Lions and Cheetahs: How to Deal with Dishonest Animals
Undersea Sponges, Starfish, and Land-Squirrels: Overcoming Pop-Culture Stereotypes
Cows: From Bovine to Devine

Everyone should try to be more like the man who jumped into a tiger enclosure at the zoo so that he could “be one with the tiger.” Forming a fierce tiger that looks suspiciously like a kitten, the Band plays “Eye of the Tiger.”

(Band forms cat’s face and plays “Eye of the Tiger.”)

Run away Band, it’s time for your flea bath.

Lafayette 2012

Princeton at Lafayette
October 6th, 2012
Princeton wins 35-14

Halftime:
Stealing from the rich and giving to political campaigns, the Band forms duplicating dollar signs and plays “Robin Hood.” Please welcome the Princeton University Band, under direction of Drum Major Joseph McMahan [’13].

(Band marches on to “Princeton Forward March.”)

(Band forms a dollar sign that parts into two dollar signs and plays “Robin Hood.”)

(Band scrambles off of field.)

Brown 2012

Brown at Princeton
October 13th, 2012
Princeton wins 19-0