2010 Football Season

Team Record: 1-9
Band Record: 10-0

Lehigh 2010​

Princeton at Lehigh
September 18, 2010
Princeton loses 22-35

Pregame:
Getting your heart racing in our skintight jeans, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles onto the field.)

Everyone knows that last summer was chock-full of big news stories and excitements. What you may not know is that the Princeton University Band played a critical role in many of these events.

• When we heard about the massive BP oil spill, we knew we had to help. We pooled our resources, purchased a single Sham Wow, and Fedex-ed it to the Gulf Coast.
• The Band created a Public Service Announcement reminding Canadians attempting to sneak into the country illegally by sailing across the Great Lakes not to use their anchor babies as actual anchors.
• The Band participated in the Glenn Beck rally scavenger hunt, winning big points for finding items such as <confederate flags> (cut), American flags used as clothing, British tax collectors, tea bags and fanny packs. Unfortunately, we didn’t win because we failed to get the one thousand point bonus for finding <a minority> (cut, replaced with) Waldo.
• Impressed with the deafening enthusiasm of World Cup fans, the Band decided to spice up its sound by replacing every instrument with a vuvuzela. Unfortunately, no one noticed the difference.
• Feeling sympathy for the miners trapped in Chile, the Band tried to keep the spirits of the imprisoned men up by providing food and toiletries as well as a as DVD player and the entire first season of Are You Afraid of the Dark? We also tried to give the men some alcoholic refreshment, but it was confiscated because they are all miners.
• When China got wind of the birth of two giant panda cubs in Madrid, the entire country attempted to drive to Spain, causing a traffic jam nearly 20 miles long. The Band helped ease the congestion by giving stranded motorists a lift.

Forming the solution to gridlock, the band forms an orange plaid van and plays “Free Ride.”

(Band forms a van and plays “Free Ride” while trash circles as wheels.)

Le-HI, Lehigh freshman – listen up for some solid advice on how to navigate the ins and outs of Lehigh’s campus, academics, and social life. In particular, keep an eye out for a popular Bethlehem resident, Lehigh student Jesùs Crist, better known as JC.

• If you meet a guy at a frat party trying to perform miracles, don’t worry. JC tries to pick up all the freshman girls by turning water into Keystone.
• Avoid walking around in groups because JC used to roll twelve deep but one of the bros was a total douche buzzkill.
• If you make friends with JC, try to get invited to dinner with his parents on Freshman weekend, I hear his dad is the man.
• While some people bring bikes to campus, we recommend a pocket escalator to take on Lehigh’s hills. Remember, the walk of shame at Lehigh is actually the mountain climb of shame.
• You can save money on laundry detergent by purchasing paraphernalia in Lehigh Brown. You’ll never have to wash your clothes again.
• College is a time for experimentation. For example, try to reinvent yourself: put on a new shirt, your old one is dirty.
• If you need some extra cash, you can be a guinea pig for psychology experiments. As an added bonus, you’ll have no trouble getting into Zeta Eta Theta’s exclusive Furry Party.
• Speaking of frats, there are no open container laws in this state. (pause) Wooo!!
• Don’t worry if you miss your mom, I saw her last night and she’s just fine.
• <To avoid being sexiled, preemptively masterbanish your roommate.> (cut)
• In order to avoid the Freshman Fifteen, you should eat only Lebanon Baloney from Goosey Gander.
• If you don’t do well in your classes you can always drop out. Goosey Gander is hiring.

You know what? Never mind. Forget everything I said. The world is going to end in 2012 anyway. So go ahead and do whatever the heck you want.
Forming the end of the world, the Band explodes into flame and plays “Great Balls of Fire.”

(Band forms exploding Earth, plays “Great Balls of Fire.”)

Run Away, Band. The Lehigh Band’s pants were all white when they bought them.

Halftime:
No records available of a halftime show at this game.

Lafayette 2010

Lafayette at Princeton
September 25, 2010
Princeton wins 36-33

Pregame:
Voulez-vous coucher avec le Princeton University Band?

(Band scrambles onto the field.)

Attention Class of 2014! Here are a few important pieces of advice for any new Princeton University freshman.

• Lower your expectations. You will not get straight As, and if you do, everyone will hate you.
• If you see a man in a trench coat in Prospect Garden do not make eye or waist contact.
• Nobody wants to know your SAT scores.
• Don’t put any posters on your door or you will burst into flames and die a horrible flaming death.
• If you live in Forbes, put a poster on your door.
• Don’t fall asleep on your laptop in class, drool will damage the keyboard.
• If you don’t like your roommate, don’t worry, just spend the entire year putting used tissues on his side of the room.

Finally, if Joseph McMahan ’13 asks you on a date, say yes…please.

Forming an “L” for “love of your life” the Band plays “La Marseillaise.”

(Band forms a script L and plays “La Marseillaise.”)

And now, Baguette, Pommes frites, Frogs, White flags, Super model first ladies, Omelet du fromage, Gaston, Frere Jacques, Head butts, French manicures, Berets, Escargot, B.O., Eiffel tower, Napoleon, The Louvre, Marie Antoinette, Crepes, Guillotines, Brie, Chain-smoking, And a double-double-rotating-Poodle!

(band forms Double-Double-Rotating-P and plays Going Back.)

Now, please rise for the playing of our national anthem.

(Band plays Star Spangled Banner.)

Run Away Band, the French are coming. Nah, don’t worry about it, but seriously get off the field.

Halftime:
Climbin in yo’ windows, snatchin’ yo’ people up, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches onto the field playing Princeton Forward March.)

Hello Leopards, Look at your band, now back to us, now back at your band, now back to us. Sadly, your band isn’t us, but if your band stopped using maroon-scented body wash and switched to plaid, they could smell like they’re us. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a field with the band your band could smell like. What’s in your hand? Back at me. I have it, it’s an oyster with two passes to that club you love. Look again, the passes are now diamonds! Anything is possible when your band smells like a tiger and not a leper. I’m on a field. Do-do do do do do-do do.
Forming two tickets to that thing you love, the Band plays Any Way You Want It.

(Band forms two tickets that turn into a diamond, plays “Any Way You Want It.”)

Antoine Dodson, of Bed Intruder fame, recently used the profits from selling his song on iTunes to purchase a new home that isn’t in the projects, far away from people who are so dumb, who are really dumb, fo’ real. The Band has discovered that many other YouTube stars have also used their notoriety and riches to change their lives for the better.

• The little girl who cried over Justin Bieber founded a Build-A-Bieber workshop.
• David After The Dentist penned his memoirs about the experience, which late became the movie Inception.
• Susan Boyle didn’t know what to do with all her money so she ate it.
• Charle the Unicorn hired Ninja Cat as an assassin to take down those thieves that stole his kidney.
• Sassy Gay Friend stole Adam from Eve, ending the human race.
• The sneezing baby panda became a spokespanda for Claritin.
• Keyboard Cat and Hamster on a Piano went on tour together. The tour ended in tragedy when Keyboard Cat accidentally ate Hamster on a Piano.
• Crazy BJ Girl became a regular on The Office. (cut)
• World of Warcraft freakout kid’s life didn’t actually get any better.
• The Powerthirst guy used the profits from the new flavor Manana to pay 400 ALIMONY PAYMENTS.

Congratulations if you didn’t get any of those jokes – you have a life. Saluting one of the most watched videos on You Tube, the Band forms a broken heart and plays “Bad Romance.”

(Band forms a broken heart, plays “Never Gonna Give You Up.”)

Hey Freshman! What, what, what are you doing? You’ve already wasted a huge chunk of your half-time watching YouTube videos. The Princeton University Band doesn’t want you to squander your youth, so we’ve compiled a list of pro-tips on how to procrastinate more efficiently.

• Instead of playing flash games all the time, utilize Google Calendar to precisely manage your Robot Unicorn Attack sessions.
• Instead of honing your skills on the Frist piano, don’t.
• Instead of buying Coke at the Wa, buy it at Ivy. (cut)
• Instead of sitting alone in the corner of your room, sit alone in the middle of someone else’s room.
• Instead of having brief awkward conversations with strangers on the Street, have an extended, intimate conversation with a stranger on Chat Roulette.
• Instead of stalking people on Facebook, stalk them in real life. (pause) Hey Carol. I see you out there on the field. You’re looking good today. See ya later.
• Instead of playing World of Warcraft, come to a Princeton University Band open rehearsal, Tuesdays at 4:30PM in the Woolworth Music Building.
• Instead of going to class, take a shower.
• Instead of doing your homework, take a shower.
• Instead of making friends, take a shower.

Celebrating the most time consuming activity of college students, the band forms a shower caddy and plays a tribute to Michael Jackson.

(Band forms shower caddy, plays “Beat It.”)

Run Away Band, I think you have too many shoes! Shut up!

Columbia 2010

Princeton at Columbia
October 2, 2010
Princeton loses 14-42

Pregame:
Almost as orange as Snooki’s face, it’s the Princeton University Band.
It’s Banned Book Week and several slighted authors have been teaming up to create the ultimate banned book. Here are some examples:

• Anne Frank has Two Mommies
• Harry Potter and the Goblet of Satanic Verses
• Catch-22 Huckleberries
• The Grapes of Animal Farm
• Alice’s Adventures in The Brave New World
• Fahrenheit 1984
• Uncle Tom’s Lolita

Forming a “c” for censorship coolest books ever, the Band plays “Roar, Lion, Roar.”

(Band forms a lowercase “c”, and plays “Roar, Lion, Roar.”)

And now, Snooki, Fried Oreos, The Situation, Spray tans, Land fills, Gardens, Jon Stewart, Turnpikes, Jagerbombs, My New Haircut, New York Giants, Cake Boss, The Boss, Bon Jovi, Real Housewives, The Sopranos WaWa, Chris Christie,
And the Double-Double Rotating Population Density!

(Band forms DDRP, and plays “Going Back”)

Run Away Band, we’ve got a Situation on our Hands.

Halftime:
Escaping justice like Lindsey Lohan, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches onto the field playing Princeton Forward March.)

During Freshman Orientation, Princeton’s Class of 2014 was tasked with completing a challenging scavenger hunt as part of their residential college bicker process. Here are some of the more interesting items:

• Don’t take a picture on top of the Dinky.
• Eat every flavor from all four ice cream shops.
• Try to find something under twenty dollars at J. Crew.
• Tackle anyone you see carrying a cane. Candy canes don’t count so stay away from Santa Claus.
• Streak the field at the Columbia football game…ladies.
• Find someone without their collar popped.
• Challenge President Shirley Tilghman to a pull up contest. Prepare to lose, weaklings!
• Find Forbes college – you get a flashlight, compass, several days provisions, and a sherpa.
• Try to find someone wearing the horribly clashing colors of orange and black… just kidding orange and black are fabulous.
• Meet someone from Montana, preferably named Hannah.
• Take a picture of tourists taking pictures of Nassau Hall.
• Ask every freshman you meet their SAT scores.
• Climb into a plaid van with free candy inside.
• Find a Cloister Inn member who wasn’t hosed from a bicker club.
• Find something at Hoagie Haven that won’t cause immediate cardiac arrest.

Forming a popular choice at Hoagie Haven, the band salutes our childhood favorite, the Sanchez, and plays “Children of Sanchez.”

(The band forms a piece of bread, and plays “Children of Sanchez”)

Once upon a time in a Far Away Land, there lived a young hero named Beffrey Jagdis III Esquire, Prince of Orange and Nassau, Duke of West Windsor. After he successfully slayed the evil dragon of Thesis, he yearned to voyage to the magical land of New York, questing for the Holy Google. Beffrey’s fairy godmother Tirley Shilghman transformed a pumpkin into an orange vespa, and he began to search day and night for the Holy Google. On the third day, he was feeling lucky: he turned left and finally came upon the Temple of the Holy Google. He was disappointed to find that it was not a mystical object but a place that expected him to DO things, and cruelly only allowed him two score days of vacation. Disillusioned, he wandered until he found the Magical Square of Time and encountered there a Tastefully Dressed Cowboy. The Cowboy shared a cautionary tale: he had invested his clothing in Lehman Brothers stock, which ended in him losing the shirt off his back and pants off his behind. He warned that should Beffrey invest his soul in the concrete jungle, he would never be able to leave. Beffrey decided that it would be best if he heeded the Cowboy’s words and mounted his trusty steed, fleeing as fast as his Vespa could carry him, at a blistering pace of 25 miles an hour. He was happy to have escaped the concrete jungle and returned to his palatial estate in New Jersey, where everyone lives happily ever after.
Forming Beffrey’s palace, the band plays “Farewell to the Jungle.”

(The band forms a castle and plays “Welcome to the Jungle.”)

Run Away Band, [BEEP] University Congress was wiretapping this show.

Colgate 2010

Colgate at Princeton
October 9, 2010
Princeton loses 10-44

Pregame:
Ladies and Gentlemen, your expert on tropical fruits, it’s the Princeton University Banana!

Last week at the General Interest Career Fair many students flocked to booths such as the CIA and Princeton in Asia. Unfortunately, there were some booths that were less popular:

• Ambassadors to North Korea
• Bleach for America – a new public laundry service
• US Marine Corps
• Lehman Brothers
• Doctors without Personal Boundaries
• Cartographers without Borders
• Princeton in Uzbekistan
• Beijing in Princeton

Forming a “c” for careers, the Band plays…

(Band forms a lowercase “c” and plays…)

And now,
Papaya, Peach, Peas, Pear, Pineapple, Pumpkin, Poon, Parsnips, Plum, Prune, Prickly Pear, Passion Fruit, Plantain, Parsley, And a Double-Double-Rotating-Pomegranate!

(Band forms DDRP and plays Going Back)

Now please rise for the playing of our national anthem.

(Banner)

Run Away Band, I think the Colgate Band wants to touch your juicy guanabana.
Halftime:
Verbing onto the noun like adjective pop culture reference, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches onto the field playing Princeton Forward March)

This past week, the Band was feeling mischievous and instead of exploring the underbelly of campus, we decided to hack Shirley Tilghman’s Facebook account. We didn’t have too much trouble guessing her password. We tried harvardsucks, and were pleased to find that we were in! Here are some excerpts from President Tilghman’s News Feed:

• Shirley Tilghman is attending Fall Rush 2010.
• Dean Hargadon is attending every event because he only replies YES!
• Dean Malkiel is in a relationship with Princeton University and it’s complicated.
• <Josh Weinstein suggests you like CollegeOnly.> (cut)
• Shirley Tilghman likes Crest Toothpaste. Colgate President Jeffrey Herbst likes this.
• Public Safety likes Freshman Girls.
• Engineering School Dean Bogucki wrote on Freshman Engineer’s wall: “You can’t leave engineering! Do you want to change the world or do you want to be poor?!”
• <Scott Jurgens updated his status: 45 – 14? FML.> (cut)
• Dean Dunne and 39 of your friends like The Social Network. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps left a comment: “You’re only liking this because you can’t dislike it.”
• Shirley Tilghman has joined the group “Team Edward.”
• Dean Dunne has been tagged in the album “Anything But Clothes Party @ Campus.” Dean Dunne commented on a picture of you: “So much kettlecorn!!”

Sending a friend request to Shirley Tilghman, the Band forms a notification bubble and plays “Friend Like Me.”

(Band forms a notification bubble and plays “Friend Like Me”)

On Sunday, World War I officially ended when Germany paid the last of its war reparations. To gather such a huge sum of money, the German people utilized some creative fundraising techniques:

• Hitting up their homeboy Pope Benedict XVI for some cash money.
• Door to door Weinerschnitzel sale. Each prospective customer will be asked “Do you vant my weinerschnitzel?”
• Having a bake sale of pretzels shaped like the Berlin Wall.
• Selling tickets to their annual wet lederhosen contest

Now that WWI is finally over, it’s only a matter of time before WWIII is upon us. Fearing the release of 99 Luftballons as prophesied in German pop star Nena’s eponymous song, the Band forms a mushroom cloud and plays “99 Luftballoons.”

(Band forms a mushroom cloud, and plays “99 Luftballoons”)

This week, <the 2010 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior> (cut, replaced with) a survey commissioned by the National Institute of Health was released. The report concluded that condom use use of protection should be more prevalent among older couples. The Band has drawn up a list of additional topics that older citizens should learn about to become more productive members of society:

• You should check out some of that new-fangled rap music and popular young stars like Two-Pack, Snoopy Dog, and the Notorious Big.
• No trick-or-treater is going to ever want raisins or a nickel.
• You should learn to fix your own VCR.
• If you send 20,000 dollars to that friendly Nigerian prince who emailed you, you should not expect a return on your investment.
• Just because I don’t forward your chain emails doesn’t mean I don’t love you. The fact that I don’t visit you in the nursing home means I don’t love you.

Keeping an eye on great-grandpa’s heart monitor, the Band forms an EKG reading and plays “In an Old Man’s Mind.”

(Band forms an EKG squiggle that flatlines and plays “In a Young Man’s Mind”)

Run Away Band, get off my lawn, you young whippersnappers!

Brown 2010

Brown at Princeton
October 16, 2010
Princeton loses 13-17

Pregame:
Hey Brown Band, do you want to see something swell? It’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles onto the field)

Recently, Brett Favre sent a racy picture message to a woman he was trying to court. Needless to say, it was not well received. Mr. Favre isn’t the only celebrity who is having trouble in the dating world these days. Many famous people have been using less than ideal pick-up lines.

• James Franco introduces himself as “Franco, James Franco”
• Mark Zuckerberg asks, “Do you want to see a movie? …about me?”
• Lindsey Lohan observes, “Hey, you were looking good in rehab last week.”
• Chuck Norris doesn’t ask people on dates, dates ask Chuck Norris on people.
• Kate Goselin invites people to make +9.
• Leonardo Decaprio declares “Pinch me, I must be dreaming.”
• Donald Trump announces, “You’re hired!”
• Steve Urkel cops a feel and exclaims, “Did I do that?”

Forming a “B” for Buy You a Drank, the Band plays “Brown Cheering Song.”

(Band forms Script B, and plays “Brown Cheering Song”)

And now, Paddington, Smokey, Rupert, Yogi, Baloo, Little, Mama, Papa, Brother, The Berensteins, Corduroy, Teddy, Iorek, Pedo, Bjorn, Mike Ditka, Gentle Ben, Mr. Grylls, Gummy, Snuggles, And a Double-Double-Rotating-Pooh!

(Band forms Double-Double-Rotating-P, and plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)

And now, please rise for the playing of our National Anthem.

(Band plays “Star-Spangled Banner”)

Run Away Band, Brett Favre is coming and he’s got his camera phone.

Halftime:
Erupting onto the field like Diet Coke and Mentos, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles onto the field)

Over the past week, the Band has noticed some pretty unique tactics for garnering votes in the Class of 2014 presidential election. We have some suggestions for ways to run a more effective campaign:

• Try to hug every member of your class. Don’t take no for an answer. Also, don’t take mace for an answer.
• <When selecting a campaign headshot, girls should try to get a pic with a cute smile and good cleavage. Guys should also try to get a good cleavage shot.> (cut)
• Post on PrincetonFML: “I hooked up with I had to sit next to [insert opponent’s name here] in precept and he had the worse body odor of my life. FML.”
• In order to jumpstart your political career, make a bid to become the mayor of a small Alaskan town. If that fails, become the mayor on Foursquare.
• <Hook up with> (cut, replaced with) Get to know Band Announcer Joseph McMahan ’13, and get your name announced at a football game.
• Raise eyebrows around campus by printing steamy x-rated business cards. (cut)
• Poster the campus advertising your SAT scores, AP scores, and full-ride scholarship letter to Brown. Actually, leave that last one out, that’s too embarrassing.
• To get that coveted upperclassman vote, go door-to-door in the carrels.
• <Streak the field…right now.> (cut)
• Seduce the person most likely to become Elections Manager after the current one resigns in disgrace.

The Band is now announcing its candidacy for Freshman Class President. Stealing the election, the Band forms your vote and plays Prince of Thieves.

(Band forms a box with a checkmark, and plays Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves)

Hey Special Brownies – Are you tired of those annoying As and messy pluses all over your transcript? Are you sick and tired of your parents heaping on adulation, rewards, and respect for all of those As? We thought so, and boy have we got a solution for you!
Introducing… grade deflation – the fool proof solution to all your inflated GPA problems!

A standard issue grade deflation package includes: 5 all nighters, 12 5-hour energy shots, and a sinking feeling that you should have gone to a state school. You’re guaranteed at least 2 Bs, 5 Cs, and 1 D. If you make your purchase in the next 10 minutes, we’ll throw in an extra D. <That’s right, you get double Ds!> (cut, replaced with) we’ll double your Ds!

Here’s a testimonial from converted Brown Student, Wemma Hotson ’13. She is not a paid actress. “It was last year when I first started getting uncontrollable numbers of As. I soon began to miss the damp feeling on my pillow from crying myself to sleep. I tried not doing assignments, taking herbal supplements, and stalking celebrity students all day, but nothing worked. Then a friend suggested I try grade deflation. I saw results in just 6 weeks. I’ve lost inches off my GPA.”
Order now and grade deflation can be yours for three easy payments of 19.99. That’s right, 19.99. If you call in the next 10 minutes, we’ll throw in a Shake Weight, absolutely free!
Possible side effects of grade inflation may include: nausea, vomiting, loss of employment prospects, dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow, and dishonor on your whole family.
Act now, this offer is not available in stores!
Cramming for our next exam, the band forms our expected grade and plays “Darn It.”

(Band forms a F+, plays “Dammit”)

Run Away Band, the Brown Band wants to try out our Shake Weights.

Harvard 2010

Harvard at Princeton
October 23, 2010
Princeton loses 28-45

Pregame:
This is test of the Princeton University Emergency Notification System. In the event of an actual emergency, this message would provide instructions and direct you to the Princeton University Band.
This week, a high school cheerleader was suspended from the squad for posting a Facebook profile picture posing with a beer. With Mark Zuckerberg ever decreasing the privacy standards on Facebook other people have been getting into trouble for posting scandalous pictures:

• President Shirley Tilghman on one knee, enjoying a tasty malt beverage.
• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad marching in a gay pride parade, letting it all hang out.
• Arizona state legislators celebrating a feliz cumpleanos with their abuelos in Mexico.
• Lady Gaga using a gyroscope rather than wearing one.
• Katy Perry wearing an “I Heart New York” t-shirt and kissing a girl and not liking it.
• Sarah Palin getting shot by a wolf in a helicopter.
• Brett Farve actually retiring and enjoying an early bird special at 4:30 PM.
• Mel Gibson leading a religious tolerance seminar.
• Barbie getting sloppy in the Terrace tap room.

Forming an H for Hope Abuela Doesn’t See This, the band plays Harvardiana.

(Band forms a lowercase h, plays Harvardiana)

And now, Tea-bags, Cups, Saucers, Crumpets, Pocket watches, Biscuits, Scones, Alaskan governors, British, Devonshire cream, Marmalade Angry white men, Doilies, Sugar cubes, Monocles, Harvard undergraduates, Stuffed animals, Mad hatters, Milk, Cream, Half and half, Table cloths, Neatly folded napkins, Lemon wedges, Sweet-N-Low, Watercress sandwiches, And the double-double-rotating puff pastry!

(Band forms DDRP and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall)

And now, please rise for the playing of our National Anthem.

(Star Spangled Banner)

Run Away Band, the Harvard Band wants to Grey Poupon you.

Halftime:
Bursting forth from the loins of the earth like a liberated Chilean miner, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches onto the field, plays Princeton Forward March)

Although Harvard may have snagged the top spot in the US News & World Report annual rankings this year, Princeton University students may rest assured that they’ll have better professional opportunities upon graduating from our fine university. No matter his major, any son of Princeton is guaranteed to top a Harvard lad.

• Harvard computer science majors create a social network. Princeton computer science majors have a social life.
• When Christian Bale graduated from Princeton he became Batman. When he graduated from Harvard, he became an American Psycho and murdered <hookers> (cut, replaced with) escorts.
• Sociology majors at Princeton go on to become the First Lady. Sociology majors at Harvard are still waiting to touch their first lady.
• Princeton music majors live in cardboard boxes. Harvard music majors live in wet cardboard boxes.
• Princeton English majors write things like This Side of Paradise. Harvard English majors write Edward-Jacob slash fan fiction.
• Princeton molecular biology majors experiment with dangerous diseases in a sterile lab environment. Harvard molecular biology majors experiment with dangerous diseases in their girlfriends in the dining hall with their cold, off-brand oatmeal, which is ninety percent gravel.
• Princeton physics majors make leaps in the field of quantum mechanics research. Harvard physics majors penetrate the field of …

(The band forms a concert arc, plays “Also Sprach Zarathustra.”)

Flashers spell: BROTHEL MECHANICS
Flashers anagram to: BLEACH THE CRIMSON

Flashers flip letters to: FIGHT ON OLD NASSAU
Run Away Band, your best friend is suing you for six hundred million dollars.

Cornell 2010

Princeton at Cornell
October 30th, 2010
Princeton loses 19-21

​No show records available for this game.

Penn 2010

Penn at Princeton
November 6, 2010
Princeton loses 10-52

Pregame:
Seizing control of Congress, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles onto the field)

The Band was disappointed to see Meg Whitman lose the California gubernatorial race despite spending 140 million dollars of her personal money. Since a contribution of 30 million dollars was enough to get Whitman College named after Ms. Whitman, the Band can think of a few ways that her money could have been better spent fixing things up on Princeton’s campus:

• Demolish Dodge-Osborne and build an exact replica of Hogwarts.
• Hire an army of bodybuilders to lift Forbes and move it closer to campus.
• Soundproof the Frist piano.
• Convert Rockefeller Tower into an nuclear arms silo.
• Upgrade Princeton in Asia to Princeton on Mars.
• Make the north face of Fine Hall look less fugly because no amount of money is enough to make the whole building less fugly.
• Convert Frist into the Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital.
• Equip every bathroom on campus with two  – no – three –  no – FOUR PLY TOILET PAPER!!

Forming a P for poor investment, the Band plays “Fight On, Pennsylvania”

(Band forms a little P and plays Fight On Pennsylvania)

And now, Naughty witch, Naughty nurse, Naughty police officer, Naughty referee, Naughty ghost, Naughty walrus, Naughty hippopotamus, Naughty sperm whale, Naughty dinosaur, Naughty Dumbledore, Naughty Voldemort, Naughty grandma, Naughty Hitler, Naughty Obama, Naughty mermaid, Naughty fish, Naughty rock, Naughty Nassau Hall, Naughty Shirley Temple, Naughty Shirley Tilghman, Naughty pudding, Naughty Dean Dunne, Naughty Robert George, Naughty Cornel West, Naughty Dean Malkiel, Naughty Dean Malkiel’s dog, And a Double-double rotating Naughty pumpkin!

(Band forms the DDRP and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall)

And now, please rise for the playing of our National Anthem

(Band plays Star Spangled Banner)

Run Away Band, the football team wants to use the band field.

Halftime:
Whipping our hair back and forth, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches onto the field, plays Princeton Forward March)

The University of Pennsylvania recently accepted a new sorority onto campus – Alpha Sigma Sigma. The sisters of A-Sig soon became well-known for their rigorous pledge process, requiring many things that Penn students normally aren’t asked to do, such as:

• Use the toilet instead of the bushes.
• You may only eat food scooped up by the toast zamboni.
• Attend a professor’s office hours dressed as Ben Franklin. Sexy Naughty Ben Franklin.
• Proudly masquerade as a member of the lamest and most socially awkward student group on campus: the Penn Band.
• Find someone on campus who has a GPA above 2.
• Try to find a winning baseball team in your town. Womp-womp.
• Go to Long John Silver’s and procure a tasty fish taco for your big sister.
• As part of your philanthropy requirement you must volunteer your services to the campus in one of the following ways: Spend three hours helping a Penn senior find the library. Or, spend three seconds helping a fraternity member find happiness.

Finally, you may only date legacies, varsity athletes, and men of Wharton. Do not be discouraged if it is very difficult for you to get a date – after all, Philadelphia is the city of brotherly love.
Celebrating sisterly love, the Band forms one cup and plays What is Love?

(Band forms a teacup and Kristen and Sverdy dance in the middle, plays What is Love?)

The election for governor of New York has been sparking public interest with such buzz-worthy candidates as Jimmy McMillan of The Rent Is Too Damn High Party. The Band has decided to throw our boater hat into the ring as well. As governor of New York, the Band would:

• Declare eminent domain on all of Columbia’s campus.
• Institute a new state-wide health care plan called Band Care. Every New Yorker is entitled to a complimentary box of Band Aids.
• Supply all New Yorkers with lots and lots of Red Bull as part of our new energy bill.
• Declare war on Pennsylvania in response to the threatening existence of the institution of so-called higher learning known as the University of Pennsylvania.
• Throw totally dope tea parties in the Governor’s Mansion. Patterson can bring the coke…a cola, and Spitzer can bring the ho…hos. We just love those cream-filled pastries.

Yup, that’s our plan. You should definitely vote for us. – Wait… What do you mean the election already happened? Shoot!
Forming a cardboard box time machine to take us back to Election Day, the Band plays Time Warp.

(Band forms a box, plays Time Warp)

Run Away Band, I’m 6’5″, 220 pounds, and there are two of me.

Yale 2010

Princeton at Yale
November 13, 2010
Princeton loses 13-14

Pregame:
Eating popcorn on a piano, it’s the Kristen University Band!

(Band scrambles onto the field)

Coming soon to a theater near you: SLOTH!: The Kristen Davila story. Kristen is faced with a horrible dilemma. She’s sitting on the couch and needs to work on her TWO theses, but her computer is in the next room on the top bunk and she’s short. She puts on her Harry Potter Snuggie and spends thirty minutes trying to summon her laptop. Exhausted with the effort, she falls asleep. She wakes up fifteen hours later, and decides to go get her laptop. Once she starts writing she is overcome by the urge to write slash fan fiction, but then decides to watch Inglourious Basterds instead.
Forming a Lambda for Colonel Hans Landa, the Band plays Bulldog.

(Band forms a lambda and plays Bulldog)

And now, Hagrid – Dobby, Harry – Draco, Crabbe – Goyle, Lily – Petunia, Fred – George, Buckbeak – Norbert, Hermione – Aragog, Flitwick – Grawp, Mrs. Norris – Crookshanks, Voldemort – Quirrel, Nagini – Wormtail, Grindelwald – Dumbledore, Dudley – Kreacher,
And a Double-Double-Rotating-Peeves and Pansy Parkinson!

(Band forms two halves of a broken heart and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall)

Run Away Band, you weren’t playing your trumpet anyway.

Halftime:
No means yes and yes means it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches onto the field playing Princeton Forward March)

Any self-respecting Muggle knows that Hogwarts is the greatest school in all the world for Witchcraft and Wizardry. What you might not know is that Yale University is, in fact, a school for Squibs: non magical people born to magical parents. Despite their lack of natural talent, Yale students are still trying desperately to incorporate magic into their education.

• Quidditch is played at both Hogwarts and Yale, but at Hogwarts, students can actually fly, while at Yale students run the risk of splinters and other, more severe groin injuries.
• Hogwarts students drink Polyjuice Potion to make themselves seem more attractive. Yale students drink to make everyone else seem more attractive.
• At Hogwarts, food magically appears on your plate. At Yale, your belongings mysteriously disappear.
• <Hogwarts students go down to Hagrid’s hut late at night. Yale students just go down.> (cut)
• At Hogwarts, students are divvied up by the Sorting Hat. At Yale, students are divided by socioeconomic class.
• Hogwarts’ campus is surrounded by the Forbidden Forest, teeming with dangerous magical creatures. Yale’s campus is surrounded by New Haven, teeming with kidney-snatching hobos.

Honoring the memory of Hogwarts’ much-beloved headmaster, the band forms a lightning bolt and plays You Can Call Me Al…bus Dumbledore.

(Band forms a lightening bolt and plays You Can Call Me Al)

Yale researchers recently released a study proving that mass consumption of French fries makes children obese. Who knew? The researchers are also credited with a number of other groundbreaking and unprecedented discoveries.

• Studies show that not being old is a consistently effective way to prevent the onset of Alzheimer’s.
• Studies show that Bieber fever is a major public health concern.
• Studies show that inflammable means flammable. Flammable ALSO MEANS FLAMMABLE.
• <Studies show that No Shave November leads to No Shag November.> (cut)
• Studies show that The Rent is Too Damn High.
• <Studies show that cocaine increases the user’s work ethic.> (cut)
• Studies show that double rainbows are SO INTENSE.
• Studies show that the best way to make the sentence that follows sound more credible is to preface it with the phrase “studies show.”
• Studies show that your level of being a hobo is strongly correlated to rat deliciousness.

Forming Rizzo the rat, in all of his delicious glory, the band plays The Muppet Show.

(Band forms a rat and plays The Muppet Show)

Run Away Band, the referee is as blind as Stevie Wonder and Anne Frank it’s Wingardium levi-OH-sa, not levio-SAH.

Dartmouth 2010

Dartmouth at Princeton
November 20, 2010
Princeton loses 13-14

Pregame:
Shooting a record eighteen feet and nine inches onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles onto the field)

Recently, a Carnival Cruise ship was stranded off the coast of California after a fire occurred on board. Conditions aboard the ship were pretty rough for a while, and at times it almost felt like the passengers were at a Dartmouth frat party. The similarities were striking:

• Mayonnaise sandwiches for everyone
• Overflowing toilets and unusable bathrooms
• Too many people in one place
• Rampant nausea
• Everyone went there looking for a good time, and came back with diseases

Forming a D for debauchery, the Band plays “As The Backs Go Tearing By.”

(Band forms a little d and plays ATBGTB)

And now, Turkey, Tofurkey, Wawa Gobbler, Pilgrims, Indians, Turkey, Stuffing, Cranberry sauce from the can, Cranberry sauce from scratch, Turkey, Squanto, Dark meat, Light meat, Hats with buckles, Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, Black Friday, Alice’s Restaurant, Tryptophan, Football, Food babies, Gravy, Squash, Friends and family, And Double-Double-Rotating Pumpkin Pie!

(Band forms the DDRP and plays Going Back)

And now, please rise for the playing of our national anthem.

(Band plays Star Spangled Banner)

Run Away Band, you’re in range!

Halftime:
What is that mysterious ticking noise? It’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches onto the field playing Princeton Forward March)

A dear friend of the Band, Seymour Butts, has decided to apply to Dartmouth. An important part of the Dartmouth application is a peer evaluation. Seymour asked us to write his letter, which follows:
Dear Dartmouth Selection Committee,
Seymour Butts has endless good qualities. I can’t think of another person who would be a greater asset to your school.
Seymour is a dedicated individual, and takes his hobbies, such as astronomy, very seriously. He just loves whipping out his telescope and gazing at the moon.
Seymour is a very mature individual, showing great resilience in the face of disappointment. After a difficult breakup with his long term high school girl friend, Butts’ ex and he are still on good terms.
Seymour is a diligent student. His hard work earned him the honor of salutatorian, for his #2 ranking in his senior class.
<As for his career aspirations, Seymour plans to go pre-med and attend medical school to fulfill his dream of one day becoming a proctologist.> (cut)
Seymour Butts is one of the kindest and most intelligent individuals we know. If it were possible, you wouldn’t want just one, you’d want two Seymour Butts at Dartmouth.
Sincerely, the Princeton University Band
<p.s. During Seymour’s interview, try to avoid making any butt jokes. They really hurt his feelings.> (cut)

<Commending Seymour on his impeccable personal hygiene, the band forms a roll of toilet paper> (cut)
Commending Seymour on his clean record, the band forms a water closet and plays Wipeout.

(Band forms a water closet and plays Wipeout.)

[Whole joke is read in a David Attenborough British accent]Today we will observe the keg in its natural habitat. The keg is a formidable beast, originally from the wilds of Milwaukee, led to the frozen wasteland of Hanover by their leader Kegdube, King of the Kegs, revered by Dartmouth students as Keggy.
The only natural predator of the keg is the Dartmouth student. Keg hunters attempt to disguise themselves by attaining barrel-shaped physiques, similar to the kegs themselves. As a warning to wild kegs, Dartmouth students will crush baby kegs against their foreheads.
As a coming of age ritual, Dartmouth students must each hunt a keg armed only with a single Solo cup. As a fertility ritual, two women will drink the blood of the keg from the single cup.
In Hanover, the mutant killer kegs known as Four Loko roam unchecked. To drink the blood of a Four Loko is to live a half-life, a cursed life.

The blood of the keg is the only known cure for ugly. Side effects include blurred vision, loss of clothing, and a feeling of deep regret.
Forming laaaast night’s bed mate, the band plays “Baaaad Romance.”

(Band forms a question mark and plays “Bad Romance”)

And now, on behalf of Band Head Manager Carol “Seriously guys, put some pants on” Dreibelbis, Student Conductor Mia “Half-Asian, half-American, all nonsense” Tsui, Drum Major Rachel “You think that’s water in my Camelback?” Sverdlove, and President Kristen “Actually a gnome” Davila, this has been your announcer, Joseph “Like breaking a trombone is that bad” McMahan, signing off and saying: Good night, and good luck.