Princeton University Band

Media

2009 Football Season

Team Record: 4-6
Band Record: 10-0

The Citadel 2009​

The Citadel at Princeton
September 19, 2009
Princeton loses 7-38

Pregame:
Sashaying onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!
Everybody is talking about all the new ‘13ers running around campus, but we mustn’t forget about another group of freshmen—all the new buildings that were completed this year.

  • For example, the new bridge across Washington is taking a BRIDGE year… and helping underprivileged children in Ghana.
  • All the other buildings are pretty excited about meeting Wilf Hall. Campbell wants to Holder and ‘Spoon, but everybody knows that would be a Rocky relationship, and would leave Mathey feeling Little.
  • After an exten(d)sive prcedure over the summer, Wilcox is bigger and more confident, but still nervous about the new year, as it couldn’t get rid of the Clapp.
  • Hargadon is planning on saying “yes” to any and all comers.
  • Meanwhile, Forbes mostly hangs out by itself, and even with its addition, it’s feeling a bit negative.
  • Not to say that all of the gossip is about Princeton’s buildings—rumor has it, South Carolina’s enormous Citadel is compensating for something. Forming a “C” for compensation, the band plays “The Citadel Medley.”

(Band forms C, plays medley of “Go Dogs” and “Dixie”)And now… cavorting, Sauntering, Lollygagging, Carpetbagging, Gallavanting, Prancing, Dancing, Donnering and Blitzening, Romping, Strutting, Swaggering, Flouncing, and Double-Double-Rotating-Peeing!

(Band forms P, plays Going Back, rotates doubly)

This past May, Princeton lost a great alumnus with the passing of John R. Guthrie, Class of ’42. As a four-star general, Guthrie was Princeton’s highest-ranking alumnus in military service. He never forgot his alma mater, however, and was a lifelong supporter of Princeton’s football team and ROTC program in particular. More information about his career and accomplishments may be found in your program. The band would like to honor General Guthrie with the playing of “The Orange and the Black.”

(Band plays Orange and the Black)

Now, please rise for the playing of our national anthem.

(Band plays Star Spangled Banner)

Run away, band. That’s enough excitement for you for one day.

Halftime:
Yo football team, I’m really happy for you, and I’m gonna let you finish, but Princeton has one of the best bands of ALL TIME – it’s the Princeton University Band!

Dear Citadel: Hi. How’s it going? Did you catch the Pats game last week? You know, enough with the chit-chat. Why haven’t you called? We got off to such a great start when we met in Charleston last year. You expected us to be cold and distant northerners, but some of us surprised you by being flaming liberals. You gave us permission to explore you at our leisure, but then you overwhelmed us in your passionate embrace. Things got rough; hats were ruined, <bodily fluids> (cut, replaced with) instruments were flying everywhere. And somewhere in the middle of it all, life happened. We grew apart. <We’re sorry. Really, it was all our fault.> (cut) But we miss you. We want you back in our lives, so we tried to figure out <what we should have done differently> (cut, replaced with) where it all went wrong:

  • We should have chosen a different weekend for our annual Dress-Like-Sherman’s-Army Day.
  • We shouldn’t have interrupted your Field Day. Now we’ll never know who won your Egg and Spoon Race: Team George Bush, or Team George W. Bush.
  • <We should have avoided your Avenue of Remembrance, and marched down your Avenue of Amnesia. You know, commemorating that one war?> (cut)
  • <We should have observed your Cadet Honor Code of not lying, cheating, or stealing> (cut)
  • <We shouldn’t have stolen the plaque inscribed with your Cadet Honor Code> (cut)
  • We shouldn’t have scrambled around your campus.
  • We should have gone over easy! Egg joke!
  • We shouldn’t have jested about your beloved bulldog mascot, Boo Five.
  • We should have asked you to refrain from vigorously shouting his name during our halftime show
  • We shouldn’t have debauched the likeness of Santa Claus on the field.
  • We should have gone with a more non-denominational figure, like Captain Frost-o, the Holiday Demigod.

You know, we probably just shouldn’t have come at all. Just like your band didn’t come today! Forming regrets, the band wishes it could go back in time to correct its mistakes make things right and plays “Time Warp.”

[The band forms a frowny-face with a slowly descending tear]

Speaking of the Citadel band not being here: hey, we have some extra halftime to kill! The band fills the extra time by playing a game of Capture the Flag that is in no way symbolic. (The band plays capture the flag with large grey and blue flags (on the south and north sides of the field, respectively)) How un-allegorical. But honestly, to avoid any potential controversy, we wanted to make our show less offensive this time around, so we did some research about what the good people of South Carolina enjoy. Things like:

  • The Allman Brothers Band
  • Taking Stephen Colbert literally
  • Grits
  • Planting palmetto trees next to tiny moons
  • Health care for illegal immigrants… (two-second pause) I LIE!
  • Puppies!
  • The right to choose… CHARLESTON Chews
  • Long walks on the beach
  • Long walks on the Appalachian Trail

Isn’t that right, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford? We understand your mistake: “Appalachian Trail” and “Affair with Argentinean journalist” definitely start with the same letter. Or maybe you were just trying to be hip – after all, South America is totally the new Deep South. Whatever the reason for your fibbing, we discovered there’s quite a glorious history of little white lies perpetrated by famous natives of South Carolina:

  • Though Andrew Jackson claimed to have fought over a dozen duels for his wife’s honor, at least four of them originated from people calling him “Andrew Jerkson”
  • Soul singer James Brown was known to sing his hit song “I Feel Good” EVEN WHEN HE WAS JUST FEELING OKAY.
  • Baseball great “Shoeless Joe” Jackson just wore shoes that looked like feet.
  • On his album “Oop Pop a Da,” jazz musician Dizzy Gillepsie claimed “skibbity-bop-boo,” although everybody knows that “skibbity-bop-doo-wop.”
  • Senator and former Governor Strom Thurmond routinely lied about his age at Washington D.C. petting zoos to get free children’s pony rides.

Because we can’t say “neigh” to the offer of a gratuitous gallop, a cut-rate canter, or a tax-exempt trot, the band forms a pony bribe and plays “Free Ride.”

(The band forms pony bribe.)

Forget it, band. It’s Charlestown.

Note: The last part of this joke, everything below “Long walks on the Appalachian Trail,” was originally very different: it about sexin’ up horses! While this part of the joke (reproduced below) did make it past our censors, we ultimately decided to self-censor it as the only reasonably objectionable/offensive thing left in the show. We would have gladly used this bit in any other show, but in the spirit of gentlemanship we pulled it and replaced it with what you see above. It hurt to cut those formation and come-off lines, though.

And so, CITADEL SHOW ALTERNATE ENDING: And then this other article about a South Carolina man caught our collective eye. Now, Princeton has a very active Equestrian Center, so we know a thing or two about loving horses. But a certain South Carolinan takes horse loving to a whole new level. Roddell Vareen was arrested this week for the charge of “buggering” with a local horse named Sugar. But no need for a long face, friends from the South, the story has a happy ending – it turns out, Vareen was arrested last year on the same charge, with the same horse. That’s true love for you.Because she can’t say “neigh” to anyone with a couple of sugar cubes and a carrot, the band forms horse snacks on the field and plays “Free Ride.”

[The band forms horse snacks and plays “Free Ride”]

Run away, band, and lock your stables tonight – there are South Carolinans about.

Lehigh 2009

Princeton at Lehigh
September 26, 2009
Princeton wins 17-14

Pregame:
No record is available of a pregame show at this game.

Halftime:
Following yonder star onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!

When last weekend’s Emmys perpetuated Bethlehem’s 61-year losing streak, Mayor John Callahan decided that enough was enough, and announced his intention to pour several thousand dollars into funding new local-access television shows. Callahan later revealed in confidence that he mostly just “really, really, really wants to meet Neil Patrick Harris.” Here are some of the future-award-winning spin-offs the city council is considering to make that happen:

  • The Secret Life of the American Toddler: or, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Minus Jon and Kate, Plus Sippy Cups Full of Red Bull
  • Aztec Idol: Eat your heart out, Quetzalcoatl
  • <Boners: Forensic Anthropology has never been so… arousing> (cut)
  • To Catch a Football: Dateline’s Chris Hansen makes his debut as the new head coach of Lafayette
  • Sith-Busters: It turns out almost all of Star Wars was impossible. Let’s find out why.
  • America’s Next Top Model Airplane Enthusiast: Find out who’s king of the runway… the tiny, model runway
  • <52 and Impotent: The dating show that puts the “fun” in “erectile dysfunction”> (cut)
  • Puffy the Gangsta Slayer: Walking the beat. Beating the rap.
  • Booze Clues: (slurred) I don’t know where you came from, crazy blue dog, but get out of my house!
  • How I Met Your Mongoose: It’s Rikki-Tikki-Tastic!

Forming a snack for Bethlehem’s up-and-coming mongoose star, the band plays “Snakes on a Plane.”

(Band forms a box and plays “Snakes on a Plane,” while the drum major and trash play Snake inside it)

Princeton’s Woodrow Wilson School released a study this week linking tallness to increased happiness, which really does explain why babies are crying all the time. To confirm these results ourselves, we followed a day in the life of the tallest, and thus happiest, man on earth—Sultan Kosen of Turkey. Kosen only received this title recently, when its previous holder, Bao Xishun of China, retired from competitive growing. Kosen does seem extremely happy for a number of reasons:

  • He’s able to reach the most succulent leaves from the tops of trees
  • He doesn’t have to worry about drowning, since every pool is a wading pool
  • He gets to keep all the kittens he saves!

In fact, the only thing missing in Kosen’s life is love, something he’s very well-equipped for: Kosen has the world’s largest hands, the world’s largest feet, and, of course, the world’s largest (two-second pause) heart. Forming Kosen’s enormous, throbbing heart, the band plays “Gimme Some Loving.”

(Band forms a heart (which is first static, but soon begins contracting and expanding) and plays “Gimme Some Loving”)

Run away, band—that heart was far from anatomically accurate!

Columbia 2009

Columbia at Princeton
October 3, 2009
Princeton loses 0-38

Pregame:
Oh my God, it’s the Princeton University Band!
Most of the band saw that new movie Zombieland last night, and it really made us think about how we’d survive if a zombie invasion hit Princeton.  Here are some tips we came up with:

  • First, make sure the zombies are not the hit ‘60s English rock band of the same name.
  • Also assume that most architecture students have already been zombies for some time.
  • Then wait to receive an Emergency Notification text message from Public Safety, which should arrive within a few days.
  • Princeton will be hard-hit in a zombocalypse, due to the exceptional size of our brains, so try to seek sanctuary in places like the T.I. taproom.
  • Also note that the Anscombe Society’s headquarters cannot be penetrated by zombies, or anyone else.
  • Remember that each residential college has a zombie-proof bunker, although Whitman’s is several times larger than the others, and is stocked with a year’s supply of plasma-screen TVs.
  • Try hiding in the Slavic Languages division of Firestone—no one will ever think to look for a living person there
  • Ignore those dirty hippies at the Princeton Zombie Welfare Society. They don’t even have a good acronym.

We can only hope that, should Columbia also suffer a zombie invasion, these tips will not help them survive.  Forming a “C” for “Corpse of the reanimated variety,” the band plays “Roar, Lion, Roar.”

(Band forms a lower-case “C” and plays Roar, Lion, Roar)

And now, Never leave a fellow crasher behind, If you see an agent, run, Don’t fall asleep, Invoke the right of Parlay, Be the ball, No dating until your sister does, Ciderhouse, Do as I say and you live, Hakuna matata And do not talk about the Double-Double-Rotating-P!

(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall)

Halftime:
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… the Tree Street Twirlers!  With special guest star, the Princeton University Band!

Princeton, Harvard, and Yale have been locked in three-way rivalry for decades: We’ve been called “The Big Three,” “The Triumvirate,” even “The Holy Trinity.”  But we in the PUB think a new Ivy League rivalry is in order, one based on the compatibility of our mascots.  No, I don’t mean the Crimson, the Big Green, and the Big Red; I’m talking about Columbia, Princeton, and Brown: Lions, Tigers, and Bears.  Oh my.  While the bears are hibernatin’, we’ve been thinking of ways to bring a lion-tiger rivalry into popular awareness:

  • Maybe by getting the Cincinnati Bengals to play the Detroit Lions in the Super Bowl, “Angels in the Outfield”-style?
  • Or maybe we’ll steal an actual lion and tiger from local zoos and pit them against each other… in a round of Pictionary

Not that it will even be much of a rivalry in the end—I mean, the tiger side has Tigger, Shere Kahn, Hobbes, Rajah, Tony the Tiger, and Battlecat.  Lions have what?  The Cowardly Lion and the short-lived NBC show “Father of the Pride.”  Maybe it’s not even worth fighting; maybe we should just get together and pop out a litter of little ligers and tigons. Forming animal initials, the band gets ready for some jungle lovin’ and plays “Jungle Boogie.”

(The band forms L + T, which slowly merges into one clump of jungle lovin’, and plays “Jungle Boogie”)

This football season marks the Princeton University Band’s 90th year in existence.  To commemorate the occasion, we’d like to recount some of the band’s more well-known exploits through the decades.

  • 1919: The band is established as a condition of Woodrow Wilson’s little-known Fifteenth Point
  • 1929: The band inadvertently starts the Great Depression.  Oops!
  • 1939: While on a tour of Europe, band members enrage Hitler German officials by leaving matzah crumbs all over the Reichstag
  • 1949: The band unveils its new uniform of orange-plaid blazers, a dramatic change from the old uniform of tarring and feathering every member before games
  • 1959: The band makes the cover of Sports Illustrated, but is soon heartbroken when not invited back for the Swimsuit Edition
  • 1969: The band is slated to perform a set at Woodstock, but gets bumped after Jimi Hendrix goes way over his allotted time on the Star Spangled Banner
  • 1979: After a lengthy equal-opportunities lawsuit between the band and the female undergraduates of Princeton, the band wins, and finally secures its first female member.
  • 1989: The band kicks off its annual White Castle Tolerance Marathon, after the previous year’s White Castle ENJOYMENT Marathon ended after one bite.
  • 1999: Preparing for the imminent computer apocalypse, the band stocks up on Y2K-Y jelly.

Looking forward to 90 more great years to come, the band forms a birthday cake and plays “90 Luftballoons.”

(Band forms a birthday cake, complete with three human candles, which is slowly eaten by a giant fork-prop, and plays “99 Luftballoons”)

Run away, 90-year-old band.  It’s time for your sponge bath.  

(Birthday candles remain on field)

 You too, stupid trick candles.

Colgate 2009

Colgate at Princeton
October 8, 2009
Princeton loses 14-21

Pregame:
Now available as an iPhone application, it’s the Princeton University Band!

Two hours from now, the television event of the week—nay, the century—will take place, when Pam Beasley and Jim Halpert are married on NBC’s “The Office.” What many viewers may not know, however, is how much Pam got around before she settled on Jim. Here are some of her exes, and the reasons they parted ways:

  • Fred Flintstone: He couldn’t make the bed rock
  • Bill from True Blood: He just sucked
  • Joey Tribbiani: Without his friends around, he didn’t last very long
  • Jack from Lost: Not only did she not know where their relationship was going, she didn’t know… when it was going
  • Alex Trebec: He always thought he had all the answers
  • Homer Simpson: He was fat, bald, alcoholic, married, and yellowed, but the real turn-off was the creepy four fingers on each hand
  • The Mythbuster guys: They were always too busy experimenting with each other
  • Worf from Star Trek: He didn’t give her any space, always trying to Kling-on

Her worst dating experience, though, was the Cookie Monster—he only loved her for her dough. Forming C (is) for Cookie, the band plays “The Colgate Fight Song.”

And now, Beehives, Bouffants, Bowl cuts, Bald, Afros, Jew-fros, Mohawks, Fro-hawk, Faux-hawks, Red-tailed hawks, Flocks of seagulls, Liberty Spikes, Cinnamon Buns, Top Knots, Dreadlocks, Mullets, Rat Tails, Pony Tails, And the Double-Double-Rotating Pigtails!

Halftime:
Pulling the plug on grandma, it’s the Princeton University Band!

Last month saw the release of a new version of the video game “Rock Band” based on the lives and songs of the Beatles. Of course, since the Beatles haven’t come out with any new songs in years, the game’s developers had to make a few changes to prevent the game from feeling dated. Here’s a sampling of the game’s updated soundtrack:

  • She Loves YouTube
  • Yellow Sub-prime Mortgage
  • (She’s Got a) Twitter to Write
  • e-Lonely-Hearts-Club.com
  • Back in the Republics of Russia, Ukraine, Belarus, Azerbaijan, etc.
  • With a Little Help From My Facebook Friends
  • The Continuing Ballad of Jon and Kate
  • I Want To Hold Your Hand, But I Don’t Want To Be Sued For Sexual Harassment
  • I Can Haz Walrus
  • African-American Bird
  • Harry Potter and the Magical Mystery Tour
  • Ob-La-Di, Ob-A-Ma
  • Can’t Buy Me Love, Except on Craigslist

Saluting a human need so basic and obvious that even Ringo could write a song about it, the band forms a modern instrument of self-expression and plays “Everybody Needs Somebody to Love.”

(Band forms Rock Band guitar controller and plays Everybody Needs Somebody)

In between polishing off those last few distribution requirements and procrastinating on their theses, Princeton seniors have one thing on their minds this fall—what in Sam Hill are they going to do after they graduate? With the job market down the tubes, here are our predictions for what different departments’ graduates will be doing come June.

  • Politics majors will become hopelessly addicted to online Risk
  • Italian majors will get a job with their family—or at least a family
  • History majors will volunteer at Living History museums and war reenactments, since they would rather repeat history than be doomed to study it
  • Woodrow Wilson majors will hang out where they feel most at home—in the tool aisle at Home Depot
  • English majors will join the front lines in the fight against the term “staycation”
  • Religion majors will finally get around to reading the boring parts of the Bible
  • Chemistry majors will carry around signs that say “Will titrate for food”
  • Comparative literature majors will freelance as translators for Elvish fan fiction websites
  • Math majors will invent new ways to count… the weeks they spend living in their parents’ basements
  • Psychology majors will insist that they aren’t unemployed, they merely comprise a control group in order to accurately measure the success of people with actual careers.
  • Classics majors will desperately make jokes about how having a job is “all Greek to me”

One thing’s for certain—it looks like a good number of seniors will be stuck taking another summer vacation after they graduate. Forming a plunging employment rate, the band plays “Holiday.”

(Band forms graph with plummeting line and plays Holiday)

Run away, band—your welfare check’s in the mail.

Brown 2009

Princeton at Brown
October 17, 2009
Princeton loses 17-34

Pregame:
Flying onto the field like a small boy hiding in a balloon, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches on while playing Forward)

Playboy Magazine just revealed the cover of their November issue, which features a tastefully nude depiction of… Marge Simpson. From The Simpsons. You know, it’s sad, but I hear she just really needed the cash. Here’s what some other down-on-their-luck cartoon characters have been doing to make ends meet:

  • The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles started subletting part of their sewer to Franklin
  • Spongebob has been selling his body… at a car wash
  • George Jetson took a second job—now he has to press TWO buttons
  • Yogi Bear has been violently mauling park visitors for their pick-a-nick baskets
  • Rocky started giving flying lessons, and Bullwinkle started giving moose lessons
  • Scooby-Doo has been relling ris rorgans on the rack rarket!
  • Garfield still has a distended belly, but now due to malnutrition
  • Dora sold Boots to a monkey-fighting ring
  • And Doug traded in Porkchop for some porkchops

And now, forming Doug’s dividends, it’s the Double-Double-Rotating Porkchop!

(The band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays Going Back)

We can’t stop here, band — this is frisky brown bear country!

Halftime:
Coming out of nowhere like a presidential Nobel Peace Prize, it’s the Princeton University Band!

You may be aware of last Friday’s surprising announcement that President Obama was this year’s recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. Obama was shocked as well, and without enough time to write a proper acceptance speech, he resorted to desperate strategies. We got our hands on Obama’s first draft, before his staff convinced him that Mad Libs were NOT an advisable speech-writing tactic: I am both surprised and deeply humbled by the decision of the Nobel Committee. Let me be clear, I do not view it as a recognition of my own SANDWICHES, but rather as an affirmation of American leadership on behalf of aspirations held by ESKIMOS in all nations. To be FAT, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been SQUISHED by this prize, men and women who’ve inspired me and inspired the entire world through their courageous pursuit of ENCHILADAS. But I also know that this prize reflects the kind of SATURN that those men and women and all Americans want to POOP, a SATURN that gives life to the promise of our founding documents. And I know that throughout history the Nobel Peace Prize has not just been used to honor specific achievement; it’s also been used as a means to give momentum to a set of STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME. And that is why I will accept this award as a call to action, a call for all nations to confront the common challenges of the 9000th century. That’s why my administration has worked to establish a MOIST era of engagement in which all nations must take responsibility for the world we SPANK. Encouraging the use of Mad-Libs in our nation’s governance, the band forms “noun” on the field and plays “Song.”

(The band forms NOUN and plays “Basket Case”)

Though we’re sure all of Brown’s Class of 2013 is wonderful, all eyes are upon one freshman this fall, a charming individual whose celebrity status is leaving everyone spellbound. I’m talking, of course, about Scout Willis, daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore—although you may know her better as “Young Girl” from 1999’s “Breakfast of Champions.” Here are some of the experiences we’ve heard this celebrity freshman is having:

  • She was attacked by a troll in her first week on campus—lay off the freshmen, Delta Phi
  • She’s taking a seemingly impossible number of classes, thanks to one important tool—her excellent time-management skills
  • She grew close to a large, hairy groundskeeper—only to find that it was just the empty Brown Bear mascot costume
  • She was sorted into her social group for the next several years via a mystical process—called “rush”
  • She was terrorized by an enormous basilisk—and then promised herself to never try shrooms again

You know, it’s really hard to believe this girl’s parents aren’t wizards. I mean, did you SEE Bruce Willis in Die Hard 2? He was all [in Willis voice] “Yippi-ki-yay, censored!” Forming an impressionistic impression of Bruce Willis, the band plays “The Impression that I Get.”

(The band forms a crude sketch of Bruce Willis and plays “Impression”)

Run away, band—you can’t disapparate on school grounds! Sorry, I’m done.

Harvard 2009

Princeton at Harvard
October 24, 2009
Princeton loses 3-37

Pregame:
Making our own sunshine on this cloudy day, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles onto field)

So McDonalds is in the throes of its yearly Monopoly promotion, and Subway recently kicked off a similar tie-in campaign with Scrabble. Here are some other pending fast-food/board-game cross-promotions:

  • White Castle is working with Sorry. As in, “We are so, so sorry.”
  • Arby’s is working with Clue—try to guess what animal your roast beef ACTUALLY comes from!
  • Taco Bell is working with Risk, saluting what customers take with every bite.
  • KFC is working with Operation, saluting what customers will need after every meal.
  • Burger King is working with Trouble, in an attempt to make light of the trespassing and stalking allegations recently leveled against their mascot.
  • The sketchy downtown Chinese place is working with Mousetrap, for reasons nobody is comfortable asking about.

We also hear that Harvard Dining Services will be running a Settlers of Catan promotion to cut costs—students will be required to construct their own meals out of wood, brick, wheat, sheep, and ore. Forming an “H” for “handmade,” the band plays “Harvardiana.”

(Band forms little h, plays “Harvardiana.”)

And now, 2 cups of flour, 2 large eggs, 3 half-cups of brown sugar, 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract, A pinch of love, 2 sticks of butter, 1 teaspoon baking soda, Chocolate chips to taste, And an optional cup of double-double-rotating pecans!

(Band forms P, plays Going Back, rotating ensues)

Run away, band—you’re only one Boardwalk game piece away from a million dollars!

Halftime:
Sine my pitty on the runny kine, it’s the Princeton University Band!

So, how about that elimination of hot breakfasts at House dining halls? It must be so hard to start your day without your usual toasty caviar-cakes, or a big steaming Faberge omelette. But don’t worry, Harvard, we’ve got some suggestions for how to bring warmth back into your day during the winter season:

  • Instead of 2-articles-of-clothing parties, try 20-articles-of-clothing parties
  • Issue snuggies instead of graduation gowns
  • Pahk your cahs on the Hahvahd Yahd, then idle them for hours on end
  • Change your SI temperature unit to Fahrenheit, so everything SEEMS hotter
  • Let out some of the hot air that’s causing all your grade inflation
  • Ban shaving
  • Tell your bio department to start breeding fire-breathing dragons. Or at least fire-breathing dragonflies.
  • Give cash rewards for fire safety violations
  • Assign a hobo snuggle-buddy to every student
  • Buy some Hot Wheels and Hot Pockets at the local Hot Topic… while wearing hot pants?
  • Have your president make a Faustian bargain: her soul should be good for a few Jimmy Deans

The easiest route here is probably just stealing hot breakfasts from MIT. In honor of stealing from the smart and giving to the now-slightly-less-rich (but still very rich), the band forms a hot-breakfast-seeking bow and arrow and plays the theme from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

(The band forms a bow (with caution-tape string) and arrow (of trash players) and plays “Robin Hood.” Near the end of the song, the string is pulled back and then released. The arrow runs across the field and strikes the goalpost.)

“There once was a man from Nantucket” Aw, take that old opening and chuck it We’d rather berate The rest of the state And if you don’t like that, then… don’t listen. There was a team that wore red socks But played as though they all wore Crocs In terms of good stats You’ve still got the Pats But your baseballers really suck… at baseball At least Bay State folk have their pick Of how to feel better when sick Since their pot supplies Are decrim’nalized Harvard chaps can suck bongs ‘stead of… ineffective pain medications That said, we admire how Mass- -achusetts’ gay marriage laws passed Now Henry and Hugh Can proclaim “I do” With a smooch and a slap on the… knee or back Saluting the number of times we’ve actually used profanity this show, the band plays “In a Young Man’s Mind,” and forms a great big pair of zeros.

(The band forms boobies and cuts off the announcer’s last word as it begins to play “In A Young Man’s Mind”)

Run away, band! I thought you were GRAND.

Cornell 2009

Cornell at Princeton
October 31, 2009
Princeton wins 17-13

Pregame:
Here to chew bubblegum and perform a pregame show, and all out of bubblegum, it’s the Princeton University Band!

Animals are funny! Especially the ones popularly characterized as underwater equivalents of their land-based peers! Seahorses? Ha! Catfish, sea lions, and tiger sharks? Too funny for words, except for one word: HILARIOUS. Yet even in this crowed field of quadruped knock-offs, one sweet, docile beast stands out: the sea-cow, or “manatee.” You may have heard of one wayward sea-cow recently in the news: Ilya the wandering manatee was airlifted out of a New Jersey river on Thursday. But what did he do during his time in the Garden State?

  • He journeyed to Camden Aquarium, to visit his friends on the inside.
  • He was thrown out of several Atlantic City casinos for mistaking American currency for delicious sea-grass… and for counting cards in blackjack
  • He was repeatedly mistaken for Governor Corzine
  • He took an Orange Key tour of Princeton, and was incredibly impressed by the high faculty-to-manatee ratio

We hear he’s leaning towards Princeton over Cornell—we’re much stronger in the hu-manatees.

Forming a “C” for “Sea-cow,” the band plays “the Cornell fight song.”

And now, We’re all out of candy, TODAY is Halloween!?, Get off my lawn!, Halloween is the devil’s holiday, There’s nobody home, Aren’t you a little old for this?, And I’m calling the double-double-rotating police!

Halftime:
Now accepting candy from strangers, it’s the Princeton University Band!

I was working at the stadium late one night
When my eyes beheld a fearsome sight
Our tiger mascot began to rise
And suddenly, to my surprise
He did the mascot mash
It was a stadium smash!
It caught on in a flash
He did the mascot mash
The UPenn Quaker was next to show
That dork came as Henry David Thoreau
Big Green and Big Red turned a bright hue
When they realized both had dressed as “Blue”
The Columbia Lion made a dazzling Cher
The Brown Bear dressed as Ghandi dressed like a bear
The Harvard Crimson came as a wounded wildebeest
Which the Lion only realized well into his feast
The party situation grew fairly dire
Handsome Dan kept eyeing his own hydrant attire
The tiger knew he had to keep his party killer
So turned up the tunes and busted out his “Thriller”
He did the mascot mash
It was a stadium smash
You don’t need a moustache
To do the mascot mash

The band forms an unwelcome roomful of Halloween guests and tells them to “Beat It!”

(Band forms box (full of costumed children!), plays “Beat It”)

Did you spectators hear about this beef spill that happened on the Massachusetts Turnpike on Monday? A meat truck accident spilled sides of beef all over the road. Luckily, no one was injured, except for the thousands of Bostonians deprived of their Monday beef. We expect their grieving process went something like this:

  • Denial: This can’t be happening! Beef can’t be gone! I just had dinner with it last night!
  • Anger: This is total bull. An udder outrage. A beef-uddling turn of events I can hardly digest, especially without four stomachs!
  • Bargaining: I’ll give you twenty bucks for that beef bouillon cube!
  • Depression: It doesn’t matter. Meat sucks stinks, anyway. I’ll just become a vegetarian or something.
  • Acceptance: Anybody up for some Chic-Fil-A?

Of course, knowing the volume of roadkill along the Massachusetts turnpike, whoever gathered up all that free beef likely got more variety than they bargained for. Forming a roadkill- generating machine, the band salutes what’s REALLY for dinner and plays “Carrion, My Wayward Son.”

(The band forms a car (with rotating wheels!) and plays “Carry On My Wayward Son”)

Run away, band—I hear the Cornell Band gives away Good n’ Plenty’s every year.

Penn 2009

Princeton at Penn
November 7, 2009
Princeton loses 7-42

Pregame:
  …and I SPECIFICALLY requested FOUR bottles of Evian, three snifters of Yoohoo, and a bowl of only orange and black M&Ms. What, this thing’s on? Oh shi-ifting onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles onto field)

CNN reported this week that with the economy so bad, a job-seekers chance of finding employment is only about 15%– about the same as UPenn’s admission rate! We’re guessing this is because Wharton graduates on Wall Street were feeling nostalgic about their college days, and wanted to make the economy a little more like Penn—so they made it blue by putting it in the red. Unfortunately, they might be out of luck, since the economy doesn’t smell like downtown Philadelphia, or have a stupid mascot, or frequently get confused with Economy State. Maybe if you keep working on it, economy, one day you’ll be as selective as Princeton! (Psst: it helps if you only admit legacies.)

Forming a “P” to honor Philadelphia—that was just an incredibly moving film—the band plays “Fight On, Pennsylvania.”

(Band forms li’l P and plays Fight On Pennsylvania)

And now, The Hunchdog of Notre Dame, Robinhound Crusoe, Be a Wolf, Moby Dog, A Tale of Two Sitters, Muttketeer, A Pup in King Arthur’s Court, The Last of the Breed The Mutt in the Iron Muzzle, And The Prince and the Double-Double-Rotating Pooch!

Run away, band—the mayor’s name is Nutter.

Halftime:
<Being fat> <waddling> (both cut) Hefting its girth onto the field like New Jersey’s new governor-elect, it’s the Princeton University Band!

You students must be PRETTY proud of UPenn founder Benjamin Franklin. He was a pretty baller guy, and in comparison, one of our founders went on to father Aaron Burr. But we’re a little worried that Penn students aren’t quite living up to his legacy. Here are some ways we’ve noticed them trying and failing to emulate B-Frank:

  • Franklin coined the phrase “Early to bed, early to rise.” Penn students go to bed early because they are unable to rise.
  • Franklin invented the bifocals. Penn students just drink until they see double.
  • Franklin doled out wisdom in his “Poor Richard’s Almanack.” Penn students in need of advice consult Poor Richard, the hobo on 40th and Spruce.
  • Franklin was a pioneer of volunteer firefighting. Penn students are pioneers of volunteer arson.
  • Franklin was awarded honorary degrees by Harvard and Yale. Penn students will only get one worthless degree when they graduate.
  • Franklin learned about electricity by flying a kite in a thunderstorm. Penn students still do that, but now as a Rush Week challenge.

Saluting those students charged with honoring Franklin’s memory, the band forms a kite and plays “Aftershock.”

(Band forms kite (with waving tail), plays “Aftershock”)

Hey, how about that Election Day? We noticed plenty of fodder on your Pennsylvanian ballots for wacky political commentary. I mean, what’s with that Joan Orie Melvin? Or that close race for the two new Judges of the Commonwealth Court? Yeah… actually, let’s talk about those propositions that DIDN’T make it onto the ballot.

  • Proposition Eh?: That Canada should hereafter be referred to as “America’s Hat” in all official documents
  • Proposition Rrrrrrrrr: That the internet piracy ban should be lifted on all Rrrrrr-rated movies… set in Rrrrrr-menia
  • Proposition T (Pain): That all congressional speeches must be auto-tuned
  • Proposition B: Bzzzz bzzz bzz bzzzzzzz bzz bzzzz bz bz bzzzzz bzz bzzzzz bzzzzzzz bzzzz bzzz bzz bz bzzz bzz bzzz… and increased educational funding.
  • Proposition U + I: That the sexy councilwoman from Clearfield County should accompany the speaker to the State Senate Ball next Saturday.
  • Proposition F: The Penn Band

The band forms the typical Penn student’s range of grades, and salutes the average GPA as it plays “Point 241.”

(Band forms a C+ (which shifts mid-song into an F-) and plays “241”)

Run away, band—with the World Series over, the Penn band thinks it’s THEIR turn to pitch.

Yale 2009

Yale at Princeton
November 14, 2009
Princeton wins 24-17

Pregame:
Bagels on Mars, bagels on Venus, I’ve got a bagel on my Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles onto field)

This week, a NASA probe a discovered “significant” amount of water on the moon, and it wasn’t just a water bottle Buzz Aldrin left behind. This revelation is a complete turnaround from what they’ve been telling us for the last 40 years: how are we supposed to trust NASA anymore? Here are some other universal truths we suspect they haven’t been telling us:

  • The probe also found trace amounts of grapefruit juice and peppermint schnapps
  • You can totally breathe in outer space
  • Neptune is entirely inhabited by Ewoks
  • Pluto actually lost its planet status because it forgot to pay its Planet Club dues
  • ABC is producing a spin-off of Lost, set in space… called “Lost in Space”
  • The universe isn’t constantly expanding! That’s ridiculous! I mean, how would that POSSIBLY make sense? Jeez!
  • “Armageddon” is based on a true story, only it was actually Pauly Shore who saved Earth– but he’s just not marketable
  • Meteor showers are actually fairly rare, compared to vegetablier baths

Forming a lambda for lamb-in-da-shower, the band plays “Bulldog.”

(The band forms lambda and plays “Bulldog”)

And now, Redwall, Drywall, Wonderwall, Wall-E, Wal-Mart, Wall Street, Marky Mark Wahlberg, The 20th Anniversary of the Berlin Wall’s Fall, The 1st Anniversary of the Yale Band’s Berlin Wall’s Fall, Wailing Wall, The Wallflowers, Band member Mike Wall, Thoreau’s Walden, Walla Walla, The Great Wall of China, Walabies, And the Double-Double-Rotating Pink Floyd’s The Wall!  

Halftime:
She wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts, she’s cheer captain and I’m in the Princeton University Band!

(Band marches onto field, playing “Princeton Forward March”)

Yo audience, what do you want today’s show to be about? (Pause) Did somebody say “Iceland?” I heard “Iceland.” Okay, let’s DO this. Here are some wacky Iceland facts:

  • To increase tourism, they’re considering changing their name to Niceland, and changing their Thursday to Thorsday… and using ice for currency.

Okay, you know what? Iceland is wacky enough on its own without me having to make up facts. Did you know that Iceland is the largest banana producer in Europe? True fact. Wikipedia it. And Iceland was at informal war with the UK as recently as the 70’s. I’m not making this up. And now the nation’s only three McDonald’s are pulling out, since they didn’t have proper protection… from its economic crisis. We’re sorry, Iceland. Maybe dancing will help! The band forms a dancing Iceland and plays “Iceland of 1000 Dances.”

(Band forms Iceland and dances while playing “Land of 1000 Dances”)

Ladies and gentlemen, this joke is brought to you by the good people at Chic-Fil-A. Last Monday, President Obama’s landmark health care bill was passed in the House. And it’s about time! Here’s how normal folk without health care are dealing with their ailments until federal aid comes through:

  • Headaches: By turning off the Glenn Beck Show
  • Lactose intolerence: By attending a lactose tolerance seminar.
  • Indigestion: By eating more chicken, such as the tasty menu items down at Chic-Fil-A.
  • Hiccups: BOO. You’re welcome.
  • Halitosis: By taking a healthy spritz of Febreeze.
  • Scurvy: By trying the new Spicy Orange Chicken down at Chic-Fil-A.
  • Peanut allergies: By carefully inspecting all mouth-bound nuts
  • Being hit by an arrow: By upgrading armor to +12
  • Drymouth: By sampling Chic-Fil-A’s new Chicken Smoothie! All the chicken flavor you love, with none of the jaw fatigue!
  • Mono: By passing it on to a friend.
  • Restless Leg Syndrome: By going the pirate route and getting a peg leg, so at least ONE leg is untroubled.

(The band forms a concert arc and plays “Also Sprach Zarathustra.” Flashers on the field first spell out THE UNTROUBLED LEG, which then anagrams into NEUTER THE BULLDOG, which then flips to VIVA ORANGE & BLACK.)

Run away, band! Run AWAY, band! …Okay, okay, Simon SAYS run away.

Dartmouth 2009

Princeton at Dartmouth
November 21, 2009
Princeton wins 23-11

Pregame:
Shark, shark, shark, shark, attack!-ing onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!

Dear Hannah, I never thought it would come to this. This is the hardest wall post I’ve ever had to write. I’ll always remember the good times we had, like:

  • That three-way with Andy the Bandie
  • When we were kicked out of that Cornell hotel for banging too loud
  • When we swapped life stories, and you told me how you had begun your life (and your jumping career) with a mighty leap over the Mexican border
  • How every time you frowned, a smile and thumbs-up were soon to follow
  • To be honest, you really reminded us of our old boyfriend, too, who was a total hottie

But as with any love affair, this cloud had an asbestos lining:

  • You liked banging inanimate objects more than us
  • That strap-on harness you wear isn’t doing it for us anymore
  • You spend a lot of time with your other band, but we didn’t realize you were actually cheating on us with them! You violated OUR honor code.
  • And then we found out that there were quite a few Children of Valdez running around

You know what, Hannah? It’s not me, it’s you. Forming a “D” for dumped, the band plays “As The Backs Go Tearing By.”

(Band forms “d” and plays “ATBGTB”)

And now, Perfume or cologne? Which bathroom do you use? Thong or banana hammock? Do you swim with or without a top? Barbies or GI Joes? Do you shave your legs or your face? Concave or convex? Do you leave the seat down or up? Skirt or kilt? What we’re asking is, Do you have a double-double-rotating package?

(Band forms packages, which happen to look more and more like testicles as rotation occurs, and plays “Goin’ Back to Nassau Hall”)

Run away, band! PS: Hey guys, looks like it’s wacky time!

Halftime:
Dear football season, great times this year in homeroom with Mrs. Haskell. Always remember—fish-food! Fish-food! Lol. Anyway, HAGS! Signed, the Princeton University Band!

President Obama spent most of this last week in Asia, meeting with officials and speaking to crowds in Japan, Singapore, China, and South Korea. He also inadvertently visited Russia after following directions to Asia he got from Sarah Palin in an effort to reach out the right. For the rest of the trip he decided to reach out to Google Maps instead. Here are some other more ignominious moments from his expedition:

  • He took part in a Swartzenegger-esque celebrity commercial for hemorrhoid cream
  • He trashed his hotel room in rage after China’s internet blocking wouldn’t let him change his Facebook status to “IN CHINA BITCHEZ SUCKAS”
  • At different points, he was mistaken on the street for Eddie Murphy, Morgan Freeman, Chris Tucker, and Meryl Streep
  • He was talked into dressing in a panda costume for the eleventh-birthday party of a gymnast from the 2008 Chinese Olympic team
  • He got the Chinese character for “Liberty” tattooed on his bicep. (Don’t tell him this, but it actually says “bean curd.”)
  • He unknowingly sampled dishes made from three different endangered species

Saluting Obama’s favorite endangered species-delicacy, the band forms and plays “Eye of the Tiger.”

(Band forms tiger eye, with roving iris/pupil, and plays “Eye of the Tiger.”)

Ladies and gents, the PU Band takes a long, hard look at… weiner dogs! Weiner dogs? Really? You know what? No. NO. I refuse to read this mindless drivel anymore. This is our last show of the year, and my last chance to address a captive audience of 8000, so I’m going to tell you what I think about some things. First off, how about those breakfast cereals? They are ridiculous. Apple Jacks, you don’t even taste like apples, so CHANGE YOUR NAME, and stop flaunting your incompetence at capturing fruity flavors. Also, all you adults in Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials—stop making witty one-liners about your profession and just tell them you can see the effing cinnamon swirls on every bite. I’m talking to you, lifeguard, umpire, and submarine captain. Also, Cookie Crisp, you need to step off. You are LITERALLY tiny chocolate chip cookies. Just because you are poured in a milky bowl and eaten with a spoon does not make you breakfast. Get back to the “Cookies and Crackers” aisle where you belong. Man, I had some major complaints with the Twitter too, and that new Twilight movie, but looks like I’m out of time. Band, form… uh…. ME on the field. Yeah, heh. And play something that has my name in it. Maybe that one by Paul Simon. Do it.

(The band forms stick figure on the field (complete with strategically placed tubas and bassoon) and plays “You Can Call Me Al.”) (Announcer sign-off)

No record of the announcer signoff is available. The announcer for the season was Alec Slatky ’12.