2008 Football Season

Team Record: 4-6
Band Record: 10-0

The Citadel 2008

Princeton at The Citadel
​September 20th, 2008
Princeton loses 24-37

Lehigh 2008

Lehigh at Princeton
​September 27th, 2008
Princeton wins 10-7

Pregame
Back inside the Orange Bubble, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band scrambles onto the field]

While watching yesterday’s Presidential debates, the Band was inspired to new heights of boredom. Our thoughts digressed to different ways in which the US can pick its presidents

• A race around the world
• A hand-raising competition
• A Vice-Presidential swimsuit competition
• Thumb War
• A game of Magic: the Gathering
• Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots – AAAAHHH, YOU KNOCKED MY BLOCK OFF!!
• A Hannah Montana Lip-Synching contest
• A friendly game of Stratego: Middle East Version
• Jousting
• A Duel- Chainsaws at Midnight

Whatever happens, we all know that the Band will win the election in a landslide. Forming an “L” for “Landslide” and saluting the cities of Middle America that will decide this election, the Band plays “O Little Town of Bethlehem”.

[Band forms an “L” and plays O Little Town of Bethlehem]

And now… Vexing Harassing Wretching Badgering Buffaloing Provoking Desecrating Defecating Taunting Menacing Druthering Defenestrating Disgracing and Deranged, it’s the Double Double Rotating P!!

[Band forms Double Double Rotating P, plays “Going Back”]

Please rise for the National Anthem. [Band plays the National Anthem]

Run away, Band. It’s Fox News and they want Fair and Balanced coverage of you flaming liberals.

Halftime
Crashing onto the field like Lehman Brothers stock, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to the field playing “Princeton Forward March”]

With the economy plummeting towards rock bottom, the Princeton student’s way of life is threatened with extinction. Of course, a few of our habits can be changed to alleviate this problem. Some things that Princeton students are doing to save money are:

• Booking a flight to Tijuana instead of Cancun for Spring Break
• Wearing their polo shirts twice before throwing them out
• Using $100 bills as toilet paper instead of $1,000 bills
• Replacing the Goldschlager in our bars with “post-consumer recycled aluminum”-schlager
• Eschewing a job in public service for a more lucrative job in investment banking
• The USG has done away with the plan of a “Great Gatsby” party in Forbes with a “Grapes of Wrath” party in Butler
• Stealing from Labyrinth and giving to the U-store

Forming economic collapse, the Band salutes the reallocation of wealth and plays “Robin Hood.”

[Band forms economic collapse, plays “Robin Hood”]

After two weeks of classes, the Princeton Freshman is expected to have found his or her niche already. If you’re a freshman and not interested in Varsity sports or a capella groups, you may want to try Princeton’s other, less intensive Club Sports, such as:

• The Forbes – E-quad Marathon
• Bumper Golf Carts
• Lake Carnegie Scuba Diving
• The Prospect Decathlon
• Capture the Laundry Machine
• Alexander Beach EXTREME Tanning
• Strip World of Warcraft
• 2-hand touch Bicker
• The Prox Hi-jump
• The Pre-med Triathlon: Studying, studying, and CONTACT STUDYING
• Or you can always play “Hide the Fire Violation”

Remember, Fire Safety lasts a lifetime. Of course, Fire UN-safety lasts a lifetime as well, just a shorter, more painful one. Forming a sheet to hide your fire violation under, the Band plays “Great Balls of Fire.”

[Band forms a sheet, plays “Great Balls of Fire”]

​Run away, Band, it’s Dean Malkiel and she wants to play Quintile Roulette!

Columbia 2008

Princeton at Columbia
​​October 4th, 2008
Princeton wins 27-24

Pregame
No pregame show records available for this game.

Halftime
Still facing legal action, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches out, playing Princeton Forward March]

With Wall Street almost reduced to smoldering rubble and both the Mets and the Yankees eliminated from the MLB playoffs, it’s looking pretty bleak in New York nowadays. New Yorkers must have done something to incur the wrath of the gods. Was it:

• Shutting down Coney Island to make way for more condos?
• Creating Manhattan clam chowder?
• Laughing at jokes in King of Queens?
• Misunderstanding King Kong?
• Sashaying down the Avenue of Remembrance?
• Tearing down slums in Harlem in favor of building Ivy League sports stadiums?
• Putting a French Maid costume on the Statue of Liberty?
• Skipping church on Sunday to watch Brett Favre’s debut?
• Changing public opinion on Spiderman so often?
• Or was it that investment bankers began reneging on their Faustian bargains?

Forming the angry hand of God smiting New York, the Band feels pity for I-Bankers, and joins them in singing the “Wall Street Blues.”

[Band forms the Hand of God,, plays “Basin St. Blues”]

Recently, Columbia received the grade of A- from the Sustainable Endowments Institute for its efforts towards making their campus more environmentally friendly. However, the Band did some digging around and found a few things that Columbia has been doing to inflate their sustainability grades:

• Watching TV by candlelight
• Rerouting sewage to NYU
• Recycling 6-pack holders as trendy sea otter necklaces
• To save paper, diplomas are now being printed on recycled Chinese take-out menus
• They disbanded the Columbia Tree Burning Club
• In an effort to reduce carbon dioxide emissions, freshmen must hold their breath every 8th minute
• All showers are being replaced with baths in the East River
• To completely eradicate all pollution, Columbia gave students a semester-long Earth Day vacation

Urging Columbia students to remain on hiatus for Earth Year, the band forms a tree and plays “Holiday.”

[Band forms a tree, plays “Holiday”]

​Drive your Hummers away… no… run away, Band!

Colgate 2008

Princeton at Colgate
​​October 11th, 2008
Princeton loses 24-27

Pregame
No pregame show records available for this game.

Halftime
No halftime show records available for this game.

Brown 2008

Brown at Princeton
​​October 18th, 2008
Princeton loses 10-31

Pregame
Defending their 94-game undefeated streak against Brown, it’s the Princeton University Band!!

[Band scrambles onto the field]

With the Presidential debates on primetime TV, a lot of attention has been given to important issues that deeply affect the average American. Issues such as Joe the Plumber. However, there are a few things you may not know about Joe the Plumber. For example:

• He’s actually Joe Sixpack’s civilian alter ego
• He’s not actually a licensed plumber… But he’s got his doctorate in laying pipe
• He’s the father of Bristol Palin’s baby
• The only reason Joe the plumber is involved in the campaign is because he believes that Barack Obama is the Koopa King
• He lost a leg battling a particularly large clog in Drew Carey’s toilet
• He’s a real maverick who isn’t afraid to get all mavericky on his problems

If there’s one clog that Joe the Plumber can’t fix, it’s the one formed by all the crud that’s accumulated over the past 8 years. Forming a “B” for “Bush’s incompetence”, the Band plays “Brown Cheering Song.”

[Band forms Script B, plays “Brown Cheering Song”]

And now: Brown Bears Charlie Brown Brown Recluse Spiders Barack Obama Apple Brown Betty Count Chocula Fozzy Bear Pumpernickel UPS Richard Pryor M & M…s Packed Fudge Mr. Hankey The Cleveland Browns And the double-double Rotating P!!…iece of Band!!!

[Band forms double-double Rotating P, plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”]

And now, please rise for the National Anthem. [Band plays “Star-Spangled Banner”]

​Remember, If it’s Brown, flush it down. If it’s Orange, seek medical attention!

Halftime
Hi, Mom!! It’s the Princeton University Band!! With special guest stars, the Tree Street Twirlers!!

[Band marches onto the field, playing Princeton Forward March]

Recently, President Shirley Tilghman became a founding trustee of the King Abdullah University of Science and Technology in Saudi Arabia. While there, President Tilghman developed some policies that she is now planning to enact on Princeton’s campus. For example:

• All students will be required to make a pilgrimage to Forbes
• Lake Carnegie will be outfitted with oil-drilling platforms
• It will now be illegal to drink alcohol on campus
• The NES program will be upgraded to the Super NES program
• Waffle bars will be replaced with falafel bars
• Anatomy and physiology classes will now be taught with colorful, tessellating patterns instead of images of humans
• Public Safety’s Segways will be replaced with magic carpets
• Instead of relying on alumni donations for additional funding, all mysterious lamps will be purchased and then thoroughly rubbed

Saluting the new funding plan, the Band forms a magic lamp and plays “Friend Like Me.”

[Band forms Magic Lamp, plays “Friend Like Me”]

One night, while the band was searching for a special midnight rendezvous, we stumbled across a personal ad taken out by an entity described only as “Brown University”. Some of the more interesting bits of information in the personal were:

• Age: 244, but 219 at heart
• Height: High
• Eyes: Bloodshot
• Seeking: Males and Females ages 18-22. Must have an open, inquisitive mind with special interest in baking, horticulture, and hydroponics. Please, no smokers. Just kidding!
• Standards: Will not deny anyone. Really! I’m desperate!
• Ideal First Date: Going to a Grateful dead concert, staring deep into each others’ hands, then taking a short walk across the state
• Me: Compensates for a small endowment with lots of personality
• You: Don’t worry about being a perfect 4.0, my standards are more of a Pass-Fail sort of scale

Forming a telephone, the band reminds Brown that if no one answers your ad, you can always “Call Me.”

[Band forms telephone, plays “Call Me.”]

​Run away, Band! The Brown Band wants a second date!

Harvard 2008

Harvard at Princeton
​​October 25th, 2008
Princeton loses 20-24

Pregame
Is this thing on? I can’t read it! There’s no words on there! Whatever, we’ll do it live! It’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band scrambles onto the field]

With Halloween almost upon us, Princeton students are finally happy that their wardrobe consists almost entirely of Orange and Black. Students aren’t the only ones getting in to the holiday spirit, though. With the annual Faculty Halloween Party coming up, we thought we’d spill the beans on what some of our favorite faculty members are dressing up as.

• Joyce Carol Oates and Toni Morrison are dressing up as ’80s rap duo Salt-N-Pepa
• Paul Krugman is dressing up in his Nobel Prize. Only his Nobel Prize!
• Cornel West is dressing up in a TWO piece suit
• John Nash isn’t going out for Halloween, he’s mathematically proven that Flag day is a superior holiday
• MAT 201 professor Hossein Namazi is dressing up as… (Spooky Voice) A GHOOOOOST!
• Robbie George is dressing up as a sexy nun
• Public Safety will be dressing up as the Nazgul
• Dean Dunne won’t be going out for Halloween. He’ll be waiting in Prospect Garden for the Great Pumpkin
• And Shirley Tilghman will dress up as Xena, Warrior Princess and fight to the death with Harvard President Drew Gilpenfaust

Forming a little H for “Halloween”, the Band scoffs at Harvard’s “#1 College in the U.S.” costume and plays “Harvardiana.”

[Band forms little h, plays “Harvardiana”]

And now: Charleston Chew Jolly Ranchers Dots Good & Plenty Apples with Razor Blades in them Popcorn Balls Dental Floss Strawberry Cow Tales A Rock Ring Pops Now & Later Pennies Loose Skittles Halls Cough Drops Werther’s Original and the double-double Rotating Circus Peanuts!!

[Band forms Double-double Rotating P, plays “Going Back”]

Please rise for the playing of the National Anthem. [Band plays National Anthem]

Run away, Band, Harvard wants to know if we happen to have any Grey Poupon!

Halftime
First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the hairy chest, it’s the Princeton University Band!!

[Band marches on playing Princeton Forward March]

A few months ago, US News and World Report issued another installment of their College Rankings. At first, we thought that Harvard bought every copy of US News and World Report and whited out the 2 next to their name. Of course, when we looked at Harvard’s statistical report, we quickly found the reason why they were ranked #1 this year: they cheated in a number of ways. For example, they:

• Increased their student happiness index by allowing students to legally possess more than 2 ounces of tweed
• Boosted their endowment by accepting a sponsorship from Pfizer
• Raised the average GPA by outsourcing all test-taking to MIT
• Drastically reduced the average class size by only counting socially apt students
• Inflated their colleague rating to a 4.3 by telling their rankers that the scale now goes up to 10
• Decreased the student- professor ratio by tenuring the hobos in Harvard Yard
• Doubled the size of their library by buying ANOTHER copy of the Harry Potter book series
• Improved the graduation rate by now offering to sell diplomas up front instead of on the 4 year installment plan
• Upgraded their mascot status from “imaginary” to “semi-fantastic” by changing their previous Crimson to the new, “MAGIC RED ZEBRA”

Be careful with that new mascot of yours, Hahvahd, if you’re not careful, they might get out. If that happens, they’ll certainly…

[Band plays “Also Sprach Zarathustra”]
Flashers: MAGIC RED ZEBRA Anagrams to: RAZE CAMBRIDGE Flips to reveal: OLD NASSAU IS #1

​Run away, Band! The Homecoming Queen is coming!

Cornell 2008

Princeton at Cornell
​​​November 1st, 2008
Princeton wins 31-26

Pregame
No pregame show records available for this game.

Halftime
No halftime show records available for this game.

Penn 2008

Penn at Princeton
​​​​November 8th, 2008
Princeton loses 9-14

Pregame
Hello, ma’am? Is your Band running? Then you’d better go catch it! It’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band scrambles onto the field]

Recently, Proposition 8 was passed in California, causing outrage among the gay community. However, a lot of resolutions were passed in other states that were not as publicized, yet are just as outrageous. For example:

• Alaska passes a bill banning convicted felons from holding public office. Oh wait..
• South Carolina passed a bill banning things that end in “rinceton University Band”
• New York passes a resolution banning escorts that cost more than $2,000. Seriously, these bankers are strapped for cash.
• Florida passes a bill banning people under the age of 65
• Main passes a bill banning people from getting haircuts
• Connecticut passes a bill banning New Haven
• Utah bans monogamy
• Texas passes a bill banning hats smaller than 10 gallons

Forming a little p for “proposition”, the Band plays “Fight On, Pennsylvania”.

[Band forms little p, plays Fight On Pennsylvania]

And now: Tequila Mockingbird The Catcher and the Pitcher in the Rye Celcius 282.6 Heather Has Two Mommies Where’s Waldo? No, really, we haven’t seen him in weeks The Berenstein Bears Severely Maul a Hiker Why Mommy’s mad at you every month Horton hears a Who’s your daddy? Where The Wild Things Shouldn’t Go Goodnight, Mooning The Orange Plaid of Courage The Princess and the Double-Double Rotating P!!

[Band forms Double-Double Rotating P, plays Going Back]

Run away, Band! The Penn Band is here. And they’re not very funny. At all.

Halftime
Holding out for an appointment to the office of Secretary of Defense, it’s the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches out playing Princeton Forward]

With the election decided on Tuesday and Barack Obama emerging as the winner, we’ve finally seen the end of a long, hard road to the presidency. However, the campaign for 2012 is looking like it will be even more long-winded, as many candidates have already began to face controversy in their bid for their party’s nomination. For example:

• Amy Gutmann has declared that she will be running under the Know-Nothing party. However, it has recently been revealed that she knows at least 2 things.
• Paris Hilton will run for the Pink Party nomination, but because she’ll only be 31, she will be forced to accept a seat in the Senate.
• Chuck Norris has already began to run his daunting “Roundhouse Kicks Across America” campaign
• Lucky the Leprechaun was going to throw his hat into the ring when it was revealed that he was born in Ireland. Count Chocula is now the lead candidate.
• Tom Cruise will run on a platform promising liberation from the clutches of Xenu
• Martha Stewart will run to change the White House into the Ivory House… And to pardon herself at the end of her term
• The Green Party will be trying to put yet another Bush in the White House. A nice azalea, in fact…

And of course, Sarah Palin will be running again, this time for the top spot. Forming a magazine, the Band suggests a new type of campaign ad and plays “Centerfold”.

[Band forms magazine, plays “Centerfold”]

Recently, the Philadelphia Phillies have won the World Series, and Philadelphia has erupted in celebration. Envious of the Philadelphia parade, other cities across the world have started having parades of their own to boost morale and productivity. For example, parades are being thrown to celebrate momentous events such as:

• Detroit celebrates 14 consecutive minutes without a mugging
• Washington, D.C. will honor the great new politicians coming in, such as New Mexico’s Martin Heinrich
• New York will commemorate their new $700 billion bonus package
• Charleston, South Carolina celebrates the end of Reconstruction from the battle of the Avenue of Remembrance
• Tehran will celebrate the election of the first Muslim U.S. President Barack Obama
• Paris will celebrate the first time that half their residents have taken a shower within 2 days
• Beijing celebrates Olympic gold medal gymnast He Kexin’s 12th birthday
• Wasila, Alaska will celebrate getting back their wonderful governor, Sarah Palin

However, while the parades of the other cities are entirely joyful, the parade in Philadelphia is held with heavy hearts, as residents know that the University of Pennsylvania still plagues them. Forming the continued existence of UPenn, the Band plays “Darn it”

[Band forms Penn crest, plays “Dammit”]

​Will the owner of the orange plaid van please report to the parking lot? Your van is being towed.

Yale 2008

Princeton at Yale
​​​​November 15th, 2008
Princeton loses 0-14

Pregame
Lock up your dumpsters, New Haven! It’s the Princeton University Band!!

[Band scrambles onto the field]

Alex Barnard, I mean Alexander V. Barnard was born the love child of a pair of yellow-crested cockatiels. The two love-birds couldn’t afford to keep their child, so they abandoned him in a dumpster outside the Citadel barracks. His adoptive parents passed by, and decided to dumpster dive themselves a wonderful freegan baby. They raised him on liberal amounts of birdseed, which instilled in him an unquenchable desire for vegan imitation food. He went through a punk phase during his adolescence, which he is still in. His adolescence, I mean. A few weeks ago, he was arrested and imprisoned for falsifying his identity while attempting to illegally take the LSAT. After 3 days in prison, Alex was able to slice through his cell bars using naught but his extremely sharp Adam’s apple. Once he broke out of prison he grew out a ridiculous-looking Mohawk as a disguise. You see him now, an emaciated shell of his former self. Forming a lambda or Alex’s favorite food: lamb, duh! The band plays “Bulldog”.

[Band forms lambda, plays Bulldog]

And now: Chicken Breast Rack of lamb Rocky Mountain Oysters Tenderloin Rump roast Sirloin Sweetbreads Bacon Giblets Pork Chops New York Strip Filet Mignon Chopped Liver Gizzard Haggis Frog Legs And the Double-Double Rotating Porterhouse!!

[Band forms double-double rotating Porterhouse]

Run away, Spikey! Before the plastic pumpkin gets you!

Halftime
My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over. It’s the PUB!!

[Band marches on playing Princeton Forward March]

With less than 2 months left in George Bush’s final term, he’s begun to look toward life after the oval office. His job hunt is on, and he’s got his eye on becoming a professor at Yale. Classes he’s offered to teach include:

• Gastronomics 204: Chewing Salty Snacks Thoroughly
• Architecture 238: The Great Wall of America
• Creative Statistics 364: Turning the chance of WMDs in Iraq from 1 % into 101%
• Anatomy 108: Skulls and Bones
• Gender Studies 416: Why Bush is always controlled by Dick… Cheney
• Linguistics Eleventy Oh One: The etymology of strategery and misunderestimation
• Computer Science 312: Exploiting weaknesses in Voting Machines
• Film Studies 398: Home Alone I-III: No Child Left Behind
• Art 207: Sketching Nude Ex-presidents
• And of course: Topics in Experimental History: Reliving the Great Depression.

Saluting President Bush’s forays into the world of education, the band turns back the clock and plays “Back to the Future”

[Band forms clock, plays “Back to the Future”]

So recently, Peru has hinted at suing Yale for stealing ancient Incan artifacts. However, Yale’s dastardly thievery does not end there. They’ve been responsible for the theft of some other things, though. For example:

• Yale has stolen casino games from Las Vegas
• Yale stole the dignity of countless undergraduate students
• Yale stole a great Architectural Wonder from China… oh wait, that was Carmen Sandiego
• Yale has stolen thousands of students from Princeton’s wait list
• One thing is for sure, though, Yale has definitely stolen our hearts. And by hearts, I mean kidneys.

Forming a pair of kidneys, the Band looks at all of Yale’s purloined property and says: “I Want You Back”

[Band forms kidneys, plays “I Want You Back”]

While walking around your campus today, we found among the piles of refuse a travel brochure for New Haven. Our announcer will now read this brochure. However, we’ve just injected him with a truth serum. Stand back and witness the hilarious results. Looking for a great vacation? Come to beautiful… uh, pretty nice… uh, a’ight New Haven! Located in the Northeastern US, New Haven has more sunny days than South Florida… ummm… cleaner air than L.A.? More hobos per square mile than Boston! New Haven is also home to a top-tier University… I mean… a good bargain college… Uhhh… A great community college! New haven has a vibrant downtown area with several Zagat-rated restaurants… I mean… a knock-off Applebee’s… A bloated whale carcass in the center of town! Showcasing New Haven’t local hotspot, the Band forms a flaming barrel of trash and says “That’s the Impression That I Get”

[Band forms flaming trash can, plays “Impression that I Get”]

Run away, Band, while you still have your valuables.

Dartmouth 2008

Dartmouth at Princeton
​​​​November 22nd, 2008
Princeton wins 28-10
​
Pregame
So hardcore that we pregame at 12:30, it’s the Princeton University Band!!

[Band scrambles onto the field]

With the new James Bond movie released last Thursday, the Band has sparked and interest in the classic Ian Fleming novels. However, upon extensive research into the circumstances surrounding the creation of the series, we discovered some rejected titles of previous Bond movies. For example:

• The spy who just wanted to be friends
• From China with SARS
• Cuttlefishclam
• Learner’s permit to kill
• On her majesty’s turndown service
• Diamonds are forever, unlike this marriage, strumpet!
• For your thighs only
• Pinkeye
• The world is just right!

Forming a little d for “Dr. Answer cloudy, ask again later”, the band plays “As the Backs go Tearing By”

[Band forms little d, plays As the Backs go Tearing By]

And now:

• The Incredible Hulk
• The Green Lantern
• Kal’el
• Green Arrow
• Robin Hood
• Captain Planet
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
• Beastboy
• Aquaman
• Lucky the Leprechaun
• Banshee
• Rogue
• The Sexy Green M&M
• The Green Hornet
• Link
• And the double-double Rotating Peter Pan!!

[Band forms double-double Rotating P, plays Going Back]

Green light! Red light!… Green light! Red light! Orange light!!

Halftime
Looking forward to the stuffing of their lives, it’s the Princeton University Band!!

[Band marches onto the field playing Princeton Forward March]

Recently Dartmouth student Vanessa Sievers was elected Treasurer for Grafton Country in New Hampshire. Upon discovering that treasure was not actually included in the job, she immediately decided to begin embezzling funds into the Dartmouth endowment. With this newly acquired cash, Dartmouth has spent money on a slew of things to improve campus life. For example, they:

• Bought 100 furbies to help teach international students how to speak English
• Bought Swarovsky crystal cups to play Beer Pong with
• Paid to lobby Congress for a bill declaring 6 PM EST “Drinking Time”
• Paid to move Dartmouth from Hanover to somewhere less remote, like Ithaca
• Finally fixed that embarrassing typo on the sign outside that says “Dartmouth Collage”
• Bought the more advanced 64 crayon pack so they now are the Dartmouth Big Granny Smith Apple
• Upgraded the Dartmouth Yale Enthusiasts to the Dartmouth Princeton Enthusiasts
• They bought the central part of Vermont, turning the state into a giant D

Forming a giant D, the band salutes the average Dartmouth student’s grade point average and plays “Under the C.”

[Band forms big D, plays “Under the Sea”]

With Thanksgiving coming up shortly, it is time for reflection upon the good things in our lives. The Band looks around and sees that many Princetonian academic departments are getting into the holiday spirit. For example:

• The Chemistry department is thankful that nobody drank liquid Nitrogen this summer… oh, wait…
• The Sociology department is thankful that one of their students actually got a real job: First Lady
• The Woodrow Wilson school is thankful for the low price of oil, so all its tools don’t get rusty
• The Music department is thankful for bartending courses so its graduates have employable skills
• The German department is thankful that it has annexed the Slavic languages, French and Italian departments
• The Mole Bio department is thankful that it has now included stoats and voles in its program
• The COS department is thankful that the segFault under the COS building has not led to any segQuakes
• And of course, the Near Eastern Studies department is thankful for Turkey… and the United Arab Emirates

Forming Turkey, the band salutes Thanksgiving and plays “Birdland.”

[Band forms Turkey, plays Birdland]

(Sam’s Leachman’s ’09 signoff lines)