Princeton University Band

Media

2004 Football Season

Team Record: 5-5
Band Record: 10-0

Lafayette 2004​

Lafayette at Princeton
​September 18th, 2004
Princeton wins 35-18

Pregame
And now for our feature presentation: The Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Cannon Song”

​Many of you have been following the 2004 Summer Olympics, which for some reason were in Greece this year. But Athens wasn’t the only place that was in the running. (Get it? Get it? RUNNING?) Here are some other cities whose bids to host the Olympics were rejected.

  • Singapore, because caning isn’t an Olympic sport
  • Buenos Aires, because it’s in the Southern Hemisphere, and it’s winter there, DUH!
  • Baghdad, because the Saddam Hussein War Memorial Stadium is still under construction
  • Washington, D.C., because all the judges there are corrupt
  • Zurich, Switzerland, because they didn’t want to give up the gold for the medals
  • Mexico City, because everyone there who can run, jump, or swim is already in the United States
  • Lagos, Nigeria, because all the athletes there tested positive
  • Rome, because the judges couldn’t make hide nor hair of that “numeral” system
  • And finally, Easton, Pennsylvania, because everyone knows there are no good athletes there.

Forming a little ‘l’ for ‘Last Place’, the Band salutes the lovable losers of Lafayette.

(Band forms little ‘l’ and plays “La Marseillaise”)

And now, for a limited time only Available at participating locations while supplies last Limit one per customer No cash value Void where prohibited Some restrictions may apply Consult your local dealer for details Some assembly required Batteries not included Keep out of reach of children Contains moving parts Do not operate while intoxicated Side effects include nausea, rash, and vomitous diarrhea Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back, It’s the Double-Double Rotating P!

(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)

“The Star-Spangled Banner”

Halftime
Wandering onto the field like a clueless freshman, it’s the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Forward”

We’d like to welcome the Class of 2008 to Princeton. According to Dean Rapelye, you’re “the very best.” But judging from the number of freshmen that had to be airlifted from Holder Courtyard last week, you’re also “very confused.” For your benefit, and for everyone else’s amusement, here’s a list of questions we’ve overheard recently from freshmen at Princeton.

  • What’s that funny smell coming from Terrace Club?
  • Do I really have to sleep with my RA?
  • Where are the steam tunnels?
  • What’s that guy doing to that other guy in that statue by the Chapel?
  • What’s so special about the third floor of Cottage?
  • Why is there vomit in my shower?
  • How much food should I pack for my trip to Charter?
  • What’s an egress?
  • What language course should I take… in order to understand my math preceptor?
  • How can DJ Bob be in two places at the same time?

Saluting the only other source of music at Princeton, the Band forms a turntable and says, “Play that funky music, DJ Bob.”

(Band forms a turntable and plays “Play That Funky Music”) 

Note: The band did not perform this joke due to time constraints
Another thing you frosh might be wondering is how you got paired with the roommate you did. I mean, doesn’t your roommate suck? We talked to him yesterday and he said *you* suck. Here are some early warning signs that you may need to switch roommates.

  • You find yourself for sale on eBay
  • Your roommate is not that hot chick from Blue Crush
  • It’s been three weeks since OA and he still hasn’t showered
  • She keeps a life-size cutout of George W. Bush in her bed
  • She doesn’t share your taste for hot girl-on-girl action
  • He eats everything with fava beans and a nice Chianti
  • He thinks he’s the second coming of Christ, and he wants you to drink the Kool-Aid

Forming Mr. Kool-Aid, the Band asks, “Are you a believer?”

(Band forms Mr. Kool-Aid and plays “I’m A Believer”)

Hey freshmen! Were you overwhelmed at the Activities Fair? Were you underwhelmed at the Activities Fair? Did you miss the Activities Fair because you couldn’t find Dillon Gym? *Be honest*! If you have no idea how to spend the next four years of your life, don’t worry! We’re here to help. We’ve got the skinny on all the groups on this campus.

  • Join Agape, because Jesus loves you
  • Join the Muslim Student Association, because Mohammed loves you
  • Join the Atheist Club, because nobody loves you
  • Join Wind Ensemble, because music should never, EVER be fun
  • Join the Anime Club, because they shut down the Hentai Club
  • Join the women’s rugby team — it’s the closest thing at Princeton to girl-on-girl mud wrestling
  • Write for the Daily Princetonian, because you’re not funny enough to write for the Nassau Weekly
  • Write for the Nassau Weekly, because you’re not funny enough to write for the Tory
  • Join Paideia… I have no Paideia what this club does
  • Join the Redhead Club, because you’re too incompetent to do anything
  • Or, join the Band, because everyone else sucks, but we blow.

The Princeton Band reminds you that, unlike ze Bande de Lafayette, “We’re An American Band.”

(Band forms concert rows, plays “We’re An American Band”)

​Run away, Band! It’s legal to buy Uzis now, and they’re on sale at WalMart.

San Diego 2004

San Diego at Princeton
​September 25th, 2004
Princeton wins 24-17

​No show records available for this game.

Columbia 2004

Princeton at Columbia
October 2nd, 2004
Princeton wins 27-26

Sadly, the band did not go go this game. It was Columbia’s 250th homecoming game, and they had all sorts of special ceremonies and media timeouts. If we had gone, we wouldn’t have been able to play at pregame, at halftime, or in the stands during timeouts.

Colgate 2004

Princeton at Colgate
October 9th, 2004
Princeton loses 26-29

Pregame
For the third week in a row, we did not perform a pregame show. Colgate Athletics did not give us any time at pregame.

Halftime
Hey, uh… guys? Is it hot in here, or is it just… the Princeton University Band!

(Princeton Forward)

So we were reading the Colgate Campus Safety blotter during our extended visit to the police station, and we found that nothing ever happens on this campus… except for fire alarms. They say 30% of fire alarms here are caused by cooking mishaps. But what about the other 70%? What have you students been doing?

  • Burning witches at the stake?
  • Hot-boxing your room?
  • Spontaneously combusting?
  • Setting off a homemade atomic bomb?
  • Burninating thatched-roof cottages?
  • Sacrificing goats to Zeus?
  • Switching from Internet Explorer to Firefox?
  • Burning your roommate in effigy, and by effigy I mean the fireplace!
  • Frying ants with a magnifying glass?
  • Or building a scale model of the Hindenburg?

Forming our own scale model of the Hindenburg (not to scale), the Band tries not to go down in flames.

(Band forms a blimp, plays “Great Balls of Fire”)

Just in case you’ve missed the Presidential debates, here’s a summary that we stole from the American Dental Association. We think it’s been doctored… or should we say, dentisted. Kerry began the debate by claiming that Bush’s administrative overbite had led America into a very bad military denture in Iraq. Troop flosses have been increasing, we’re fighting the insurgents tooth and nail, and the hardest thing to swallow is that we don’t know if Osama Bin Laden is saliva or not. Bush spat back that Kerry’s allegations are toothless and that the future of Iraq is whitening, because soon it will have a Constitoothtion and a Drill of Rights. Bush also defended his decision not to have bicuspid talks with North Korea, saying that working with the U.N. Security Tonsil is like pulling teeth. Both candidates then began filling us in on their domestic agendas, discussing molarizing issues such as gum control, affirmative plaque-tion, tartar schools, brace relations, and the oral decay of society. Kerry ended the debate by saying that although he was enameled of Bush’s daughters, he wished he would tell the American people the tooth. Bush said, “The tooth? You can’t handle the tooth!” Giving our friends at Colgate something to smile about, the Band says, “Kerry On.”

(Band forms a smile and plays “Carry On Wayward Son”) 

Run away, Band! It’s the Patriot Act, and it wants to arrest you.

Brown 2004

Brown at Princeton
October 16th, 2004
Princeton wins 24-10

Pregame
And God said… let there be the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Cannon Song”

As you know, Princeton placed #1 in the U.S. News and World Report rankings. Brown, meanwhile, ended up way the hell down near the bottom, right between Mercer County Community College and the New York City School of Massage. But experts agree that Princeton isn’t just better than Brown in academics, but in every conceivable way. For example:

  • Better Homes and Gardens says Brown seems to have a weed problem.
  • Cosmopolitan says Princeton students have better legs than Brown students.
  • Sports Illustrated says we score more often. Playboy agrees.
  • The National Enquirer says our Elvis love-child is better than Brown’s.
  • The Nassau Weekly says, “Fart!”
  • The Princeton Alumni Weekly says we have a bigger endowment.

Forming a little ‘b’ for ‘Bottom of the List’, the Princeton Band says, “Hey Brown, try again next year.”

(Band forms little ‘b’ and plays “Brown Cheering Song”)

And after that little ‘b’ comes the… C for Chlamydia D for Dandruff E for Elephantitis F… the Brown Band G for Gingivitis H for Halitosis I for Influenza J for Jaundice K for Kleinfelter’s L for Lockjaw M for Mumps N for Nymphomania O for Obesity and the Double-Double Rotating P!

(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)

“The Star-Spangled Banner”

Halftime
And now for the real reason you came to this game… the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Forward”

Heeeeey, kids! Guess how the Registrar is screwing us over today? First it was SCORE. Then it was grade deflation. What is it this year? That’s right, it’s the Quintile Rankings! Now you can finally know the bleak truth about your academic standing. Are you really as smart as your mom says you are? Are you a mediocre student who needs to violate the Honor Code more often? Or should you just give up and transfer to Brown? By the way, for the Brown fans in the audience who can’t count up to 5, here’s a translation of quintiles into the Brown grading system:

  • Quintile 1: Pass
  • Quintile 2: Pass
  • Quintile 3: Pass
  • Quintile 4: Pass
  • Quintile 5: (pause) Pass

With the new competitive spirit at Princeton, it’s a real academic jungle, and we in the Band are proud to be in the undergrowth. Forming the quintile where we all find ourselves, the Band says, “Welcome to the Jungle.”

(Band forms the number ‘5’ and plays “Welcome to the Jungle”)

Speaking of academic failures, take Brown University. (“Please! No, really!”) The other day we were beating up Brown’s valedictorian, and on his mutilated body we found some rolling papers, a “Vote Nader” pin, and a copy of his academic transcript. Here’s what it said. Freshman Year:

  • French 102: Introduction to German
  • Ethanol, THC, and Other Organic Compounds
  • Naptime 101
  • Putting Things Up Your Nose

Sophomore Year:

  • Urban Planning: SimCity 2000
  • The Sociology of Horticulture
  • Jamming Your Finger in an Electric Outlet: Causes and Consequences

Junior Year:

  • Interesting Shiny Objects
  • Women’s Studies 302: Ms. Pac-Man
  • Mastering The Oregon Trail
  • Computer Science 1100101: Introduction to Binary

Senior Year:

  • Burger Flipping
  • Poetry for Poets
  • Prostitution: The Oldest Profession
  • Careers in Sanitation Engineering

Telling the Brown students to go home because your classes just don’t matter, the Band says, “School’s Out.”

(Band forms single, single, stationary letter ‘P’ and plays “School’s Out”)

​This halftime show was brought to you by the number 5 and the letter P.

Harvard 2004

Harvard at Princeton
October 23rd, 2004
Princeton loses 14-39

Pregame
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times… it was the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Cannon Song”

It’s certainly the best of times in Boston right now, where the Red Sox have finally vanquished the Yankees. With the karmic balance thrown into total disarray, all signs point to Harvard inheriting the fabled Curse of the Bambino. Last week, Harvard was seconds away from victory in the fourth quarter, when the quarterback let an easy snap roll between his lefts, resulting in a devastating 19-18 loss. Despite a strong start to the season, we expect to see a total Harvard collapse down the home stretch, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. We should see a new and improved Harvard next year. Their new winning philosophy will be based on every player, and cheerleader, not shaving for the duration of the season. Forming a little ‘h’ for ‘Hairy Beasts’, the Princeton Band says, “Johnny Damon is my homeboy.”

(Band forms little ‘h’ and plays “Harvardiana”)

And now, your candidate for President of the United States, Shaking hands Kissing babies Slinging mud Touring battleground states Looking out for the special interests Winning hearts and minds Flip-flopping Forgetting Poland Winning three purple hearts Making promises it won’t keep Raising the terror alert level to orange… and black For lower taxes For a booming economy For universal health care and a stronger America, Vote for the Double-Double Rotating P!

(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)

“The Star-Spangled Banner”

Halftime
And now for our feature presentation… the Princeton University Fall Break Band!

“Princeton Forward”

You may have noticed that the economy is pretty soft lately. Well, so is Harvard’s endowment. In this frigid financial climate, Harvard’s endowment has undergone significant shrinkage, and they’re looking for ways to compensate. Here are some desperate measures they’re taking to raise money.

  • Melting down the silver spoons in their mouths
  • Auctioning off dates with professors
  • Betting on the Red Sox
  • Holding bake sales with special brownies
  • Selling their women to MIT men
  • Selling their men to other Harvard men
  • Employing grad students at the wages of their home countries
  • Harvesting the Harvard football team for healthy organs. Mmm… kidneys.

Forming a pair of healthy organs, the Princeton band wishes Harvard good luck in getting out of the crimson and back in black.

(Band forms a pair of kidneys and plays “Back in Black”)

Princeton has been in the newspaper a lot lately, for impressive accomplishments like winning Nobel Prizes. Harvard has been in the newspaper too… right between the jumble and the crossword puzzle. That’s right — the only place that Harvard can be taken seriously is in the funny pages.

  • Garfield says, “My movie was horrible… just like Harvard.”
  • Dilbert says, “I hate that pointy-haired boss Larry Summers.”
  • Calvin and Hobbes say, “Imaginary mascots aren’t nearly as cool as tigers.”
  • Charlie Brown says, “Even I’d be a better placekicker than the guy on the Harvard team.”
  • Cathy says, “Thinking of Harvard makes it easier to throw up my lunch.”
  • The Family Circus says, “God hates Harvard, but He loves Billy.”
  • The Non Sequitur says, “Yale sucks.”

Showing our appreciation for the comic relief that Harvard provides, the Princeton Band will now do the jumble.

(Band forms a concert shell and plays “Also Sprach Zarathustra”)
Flashers spell: COMICS REMIND US Flashers anagram to: DIE CRIMSON SCUM Flashers flip letters spell: TIGERS KICK ASS!

​Run away, Band! It’s Ralph Nader, and he wants your vote.

Cornell 2004

Princeton at Cornell
October 30th, 2004
Princeton loses 20-21

Pregame
Hide the women and children! It’s the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Cannon Song”

Halloween is upon us, and we’ve already been trick-or-treating. Here are some candies we’ve been taking care to avoid.

  • Lard Pops
  • Roofies Peanut Butter Cups
  • Fiberglass Cotton Candy
  • Hershey’s Kiss of Death
  • Chocolate Covered Ecstasy
  • Girl Scout Cookies, made from real Girl Scouts
  • And lastly, Big Red.

Forming a little ‘c’ for ‘Candy Coated Cornell’, the Band says, “You are what you eat.”

(Band forms little ‘c’ and plays “Far Above Cayuga’s Waters”)

And now… Shakin’ the bacon Flogging the log Waxing the bishop Getting down and dirty Honking the horn Polishing the telescope Winding the jack-in-the-box Launching the pocket rocket Riding the five-legged pony Tugging the tapioca tube Churning the nut butter Driving the Ferrari in first gear Teasing the one-eyed trouser mouse Squeezing the happy lumberjack Taking the sperm whale for a walk Rubbing the lamp to summon the genie and Stroking the Shaolin Wang, it’s the Double-Double Rotating P!

(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)

Run away, Band! Baby Jesus is crying.

Halftime
Boldly going where no Band has gone before, it’s the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Forward”

Captain’s Log, Stardate 666.69. Starfleet has ordered us to perform an annual probe of the ice-covered planet of Ithaca. This planet is inhabited by a strange race that call themselves Cornellians. They have adapted themselves to a life without liquid water or sunlight. It is not understood how they continue to exist, as they have never been observed to reproduce. They eke out a meager subsistence based on agriculture, architecture, human ecology, and hotel administration. They have trade relations with the nearby planet of Colgate, with whom they exchange cows for toothpaste. They also send their misfits into exile by throwing them into one of the planet’s gorges. Forming a gorge, the Band says, “It’s the new Jailhouse Rock.”

(Band forms a gorge and plays “Jailhouse Rock”; Drum Major falls down the gorge)

Captain’s Log, supplemental. We have dispatched an away team to the planet’s surface, to monitor and diagnose the Cornellians. We were surprised to find the colony completely deserted. All that’s left are a bunch of ugly buildings and a gorge full of dead cows. Archaeological evidence indicates that this civilization’s demise was due to poor hotel management and hostile labor relations. Deep under the ice, we found… a Big Red. We still don’t know what it is, but spectral analysis indicates that it can neither play football nor march. Not knowing what a Big Red is, the Band forms one anyway and plays “Chameleon”.

(Band forms an amorphous blob and plays “Chameleon”)

​Beam us up, Scotty! Anything that’s big and red is probably infected.

Penn 2004

Penn at Princeton
November 6th, 2004
Princeton loses 15-16

Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, F the Penn Band… we’re the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Cannon Song”

Being from Princeton, we have access to a lot of resources that people at non-Ivy League schools — like Penn — do not. For example, we procured an early draft of the Presidential acceptance speech of Ralph Nader ’55. Here’s an excerpt: “My fellow Americans, I only got .3% of the popular vote. But thanks to the miracles of the Electoral College, I carried the swing states of Manitoba, Quebec, Mexico, and Lake Erie, and I’m going to be your next President. I’d like to thank Former President George W. Bush for his generous financial support. I’d also like to thank the 50 million dead voters who cast provisional ballots for me.”  Forming a little ‘p’ for ‘Provisional Ballots’, the Band asks when Penn is going to concede.

(Band forms little ‘p’ and plays “Fight On, Pennsylvania”)

And now, in a world… where love is forbidden where time is not a one-way street where girls go wild where suicide is punishable by death where hope is a four-letter word where pedophilia is a crime where evil always triumphs because good is dumb where nothing matters — except everything Don’t miss this action packed summer blockbuster, coming soon to a theater near you… It’s the Double-Double Rotating P!

(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)

“The Star-Spangled Banner”

We’re the Princeton University Band, and we approve this message.

Halftime
My fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Forward”

We’d like to say hello to all the Penn students in the audience, and we hope you enjoy your first day at an Ivy League institution. Now, onto a topic near to all your hearts: roommates. Are you wondering how you and your roommate got paired up? I mean, doesn’t your roommate suck? We talked to him yesterday and he said *you* suck. Here are some early warning signs that you may need to switch roommates.

  • You find yourself for sale on eBay
  • Your roommate is not that hot chick from Blue Crush
  • It’s been two months since OA and he still hasn’t showered
  • She keeps a life-size cutout of George W. Bush in her bed
  • He eats everything with fava beans and a nice Chianti
  • He thinks he’s the second coming of Christ, and he wants you to drink the Kool-Aid

Forming Mr. Kool-Aid, the Band asks, “Are you a believer?”

(Band forms Mr. Kool-Aid and plays “I’m A Believer”)

In other news, we heard that Iraq is turning into one of the world’s biggest hotspots. We had some vacation time coming, so we put on our Hawaiian T-shirts and Paris Hilton frilly skirts and hopped a plane to sunny Baghdad. We were held in the airport at Baghdad because we were on their infidel watch list. Once we got out into the city, we hailed a cab, and we found to our surprise that all the cab drivers there are Arab. We stopped at the local Burger Sultan and ordered a WMD with cheese. At night we went out to the clubs, to check out all the exposed ankles and wrists All the museums in Baghdad were closed or looted, so we stayed in to watch Al Jazeera. We saw a soccer game where the Iraqi team tortured their opponents. We also saw the Iraqi Information Minister say, “There is no war in Iraq.” He also reminded us that there will be elections in Iraq in January, and they’ll be every bit as democratic and legitimate as… oh, never mind. Forming the best network news in Iraq, the Band says, “You Can Call Me Al… JAZEERA!”

(Band forms a television set and plays “You Can Call Me Al”) 

Run away, Band! If those Penn fans catch up with us, we’re toast.

Yale 2004

Princeton at Yale
November 13th, 2004
Princeton loses 21-9

Pregame
Beating it onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Cannon Song”

We’d like to dedicate this pregame show to our venerable President, Ben Elias, who is a perfect example of backward evolution. He has a larger brain at the expense of a smaller clarinet. He also has no opposable thumbs, no tact, no underwear, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope. By some freak mutation, he is allergic to denim, non-black shirts, and good movies. Forming an upside-down ‘Y’ for “Y is such a man alive?”, the Band notes that the car covered in John Kerry bumper stickers is looking a little old.

(Band forms an upside-down ‘Y’ and plays “The Whiffenpoof Song”)

And now, with such brilliant turns of phrase as… Thum Mu-zay-um Homomorphism Jinx! One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten, king jinx! Say what? Jackpot! This game sucks! Who wants to go team stunneling? Yuffie from Final Fantasy 7 Gogo from Kill Bill No one here knows algebra! My brother sells combos to everyone at the movie theater Anyone want to play Boggle? Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start I don’t have opposable thumbs so I can’t use the… Double-Double Rotating Nintendo Controller!

(Band forms Double-Double Rotating Nintendo Controller and plays “Going Back”)

(Ben punches in a cheat code on the quads and sousaphones) Run away, Band! Ben’s rolling down the hill again.

Halftime
With 69% of precincts reporting, we feel confident in projecting the winner in the state of Connecticut… the Princeton University Band! 

“Princeton Forward”

The voters have spoken, and they’ve said, “We’re morons.” No, seriously, folks. 99% of them voted for a Yalie. How sad is that? We at Princeton voted overwhelmingly for “Four More Beers!”, but exit polls nationwide showed a different trend.

  • Those with purple hearts voted for Kerry… those with no hearts at all voted for Bush.
  • Fox News didn’t vote, in an effort to remain fair and balanced.
  • The weapons of mass destruction voted for Kerry, but unfortunately their votes could not be found.
  • The First Lady didn’t vote, because there were no polling booths in the kitchen.
  • Ronald Reagan didn’t vote… because he’s dead.
  • And George W. Bush voted for Nader, because he heard that “a vote for Nader is a vote for Bush.”

But in all seriousness, we’d like to thank the Bush administration for their pledge to provide us with four more years of humor. Because everybody needs somebody to laugh at.

(Band forms a square with “BUSH” and a check mark inside and plays “Everybody Needs Somebody”)

The following joke has such historical significance that it can only be told in… WIDESCREEN!!! Left side… “WOOOOAAAHH” (Left side of square moves to left) Right side… “WOOOOAAAHH” (Right side of square moves to right) America is full of villians. We normally send them to Washington, D.C., but the Yale administration, in their attempt to claw and cheat their way to Number One, has gone one step further. They’re hiring super-villians! The new positions will be as follows:

  • Dr. Evil will be the new Dean of Admissions, and he’ll raise tuition to one million dollars
  • Magneto will direct the Student Computing department
  • Darth Vader will teach a class on neo-imperialism
  • Doctor Octopus will coach the wrestling team
  • Godzilla will be the new Dean of East Asian Studies
  • The Wicked Witch of the West will take over the Department of Women’s Studies
  • Trogdor will be the chief fire inspector
  • And Sauron will be the new Dean of Religious Life… he’s got his eye on YOU.

Forming Yale’s source of spiritual guidance — the Lidless Eye of Sauron — the Band says, “We can see for miles.”

(Band forms the Lidless Eye of Sauron and plays “I Can See For Miles”)

​Run away, Band! It’s Dr. Claw, and he’ll get you next time.

Dartmouth 2004

Dartmouth at Princeton
November 20th, 2004
Princeton wins 17-10

Pregame
Silly hats only, it’s the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Cannon Song”

Ladies and jellyfish; men, women, and children; Princeton fans and deluded fools; we in the Band have been playing in this stadium since its creation seven years ago, and we’ve noticed that nobody has decided to put up the money to get their name on the stadium yet. So we decided to name it after ourselves. I’d like to be the first to welcome you to the Princeton University Band Stadium. Please enjoy our performance today. We’re sorry it has to be interrupted by a football game. The Princeton University Band has an undefeated record this season, and we’re favored for today’s matchup as well. Don’t forget to stop by the Princeton University Band Campus Center after the game, and thanks for your support of the Princeton University Band University. We’d like to welcome the Dartmouth Band into our stadium. We don’t know why you brought a football team with you, but we hope they won’t cause much trouble.

(Band forms little ‘d’ and plays “As The Backs Go Tearing By”)

And now… Made from the best stuff on earth Bet you can’t eat just one Obey your thirst The OTHER white meat Once you pop, you can’t stop The breakfast of champions Love in every bite Just like your mamma used to make Taste the rainbow The San Francisco Treat Magically delicious Kid tested, mother approved It’s the Double-Double Rotating P!

(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)

“The Star-Spangled Banner”

Halftime
One step ahead of the fashion police, it’s the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Forward”

Have you heard about the new Web service on the block? It’s called point.princeton.edu, and it’s your one-stop guide to leading a happy and fulfilled life at Princeton. But we think the site needs a little tweaking. Here are some things we’d like to see added to it.

  • A final paper generator
  • A Nude TA of the Day
  • Secret Society meeting times and places
  • Addresses of local dealers
  • Box scores of eating club hookups
  • The current location of Karim
  • Hypothetical maps of the steam tunnels
  • A weekly e-mail from Strong Bad
  • One of those fun “Error 404” pages

Forming the new “point” of the Internet, the Band says, “We’ll point you any way you want.”

(Band forms the point.princeton.edu logo and plays “Any Way You Want It”)

In other news, the University is being sued by the donors of the Woodrow Wilson School. Apparently they wanted Woody Woo to turn out dedicated public servants, instead of tools who are obsessed with making money. So if the University isn’t educating people, where is all that money going?

  • Is it… filling the Woody Woo fountain with Dom Perignon?
  • Is it… funding professor Beirut tournaments?
  • Is it… being sculpted into a great big money statue?
  • Is it… being used to pay off students to leave Shirley Tilghman alone?
  • Is it… paying off the fire inspectors?
  • Is it… paying Kate Bosworth to say she’s coming to Princeton?
  • Is it… paying Dean Malkiel to lower our grades?
  • Is it… bribing opposing football teams?
  • Is it… commissioning more statues of naked headless people?
  • Is it… digging holes in the ground for no reason?

But we all know the real reason that Woody Woo majors aren’t working for the government is that all the money is in i-banking. Showing you that public service just doesn’t pay, the Band forms a phone and says, “Call me, Goldman Sachs.”

(Band forms a phone and plays “Call Me”)

​And now, for Student Conductor Brad “I’m adequately hot and have an adequately sized…” Friedman, Head Manager Laura “Did you sign this out?” Collins, Drum Major Josh “For the love of God, stop bouncing” Burton, and President Ben “Help me with my kilt, little boy” Elias, I’m Charlie “Why don’t you shut the hell up?” Bergen, saying, I’ll see you at the fountain for some Dom Perignon.