2003 Football Season

Team Record: 2-8
Band Record: 10-0

Lehigh 2003​

Lehigh at Princeton
​September 20th, 2003
Princeton loses 13-28

Pregame

Storming on the field in much the same way Hurricane Isabel did not, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Bands plays “Princeton Cannon Song”)

Inspired by Isabel, the Band has decided to pay tribute to a number of other notable failures:

• Chernobyl
• All-plaid lingerie
• The writing seminar program
• The Bay of Pigs
• Princeton thongs… for men
• Columbia
• Russian submarines
• Tofurkey
• The George W. Bush administration
• Gigli
• The flourishing democracy in Afghanistan
• The “Snacks for wax” program
• Princeton presidential candidates
• The Prince… of Denmark
• Titanic… the MOVIE
• Last, and most certainly least, LEHIGH

(Band forms lower case L and plays “O Little Town of Bethlehem”)

And now: More popular than Sean Connery More delicious than Frist chicken tenders More controversial than the Tory More dynamic than Cornell West More attractive than Ed Persia More guilty than OJ Simpson More qualified than Arnold Schwarzenegger More heart-stopping than Dick Cheney More electrifying than the New England blackout More colorful than the department of homeland security?s warning system More holy than thou More dumberer than a Jim Carey movie More horny than the Canadian Brass More powerful than Shirley Tilghman… just joking Shirley! Don’t kill us! More transitive than A, then B, then C More awesome than ninjas… and by awesome, I mean totally sweet! More self-referential that the Princeton University Band It’s the Double, Double Rotating P!

(Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)

(Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner”)

Halftime
For the first time ever, it’s the Princeton University Band.

(Band plays “Princeton Forward”)

We heard that Lehigh posted a “first year survival guide” for their new students. In response, the band decided that we should make one of our own. (The announcer edited the next few sentences.) Sure we care about Princeton’s students, but what about their parents? Here’s a Parents’ guide to overcome the “Empty Nest Syndrome”

• learn to use e-mail.
• start a life of crime
• Surgically insert a webcam into your child’s head
• Join the Coast Guard
• Order a life-sized inflatable doll with the likeness of your son or daughter
• Surprise your kids by getting a job in Dining Services
• One word: CLONING
• Stop ignoring all you other children
• Fake your own death; they’ll be home in no time
• Have your child surgically attached to your hip or whatever suits you best.
• Buy a large waterbed… the overhead mirror is optional.

Forming a waterbed, the band plays “Everybody Needs Somebody”

(Band forms a water bed and plays “Tequila”)

Parents want to know that their children are safe, so the next portion of our survival guide gives some suggestions on how to stay safe on campus:

• DON’T be a freshman girl
• Don’t make eye contact with the Grad Students
• Surround yourself by Public Safety officers
• Avoid the roving street gangs of Princeton (pause) High School
• Beat up your roommate to establish dominance
• OR declare yourself his special friend
• Deny visas to all international students
• Use the patch to avoid worms and vulnerabilities
• Be unlisted in the face book
• Feel free to Walker or Holder, but avoid Clapp
• Don’t go somewhere where you will be alone, like Lehigh on a weekend.
• Attach a blue light to your forehead
• And if you live in Butler, NEVER drop the soap!

Forming a horrified bar of soap, the band plays “Jailhouse Rock.”

(Band forms a bar of soap, one trash member holds up a sign saying “Fight Club” in the middle of the soap, while others run around blowing bubbles, and plays “Jailhouse Rock.”)

We in the band have made a lot of mistakes in our time. Here are some mistakes you should never make:

• Forgetting to bring your Chinese to English dictionary to math class
• Forgetting to knock after your parents bought the large waterbed (pause) YOUR parents!
• Endangering your life by putting A Post-it note on your means of egress.
• Joining the Wind Ensemble instead of the band. PETER.
• Walking into McCosh 50 and asking for a pregnancy test.
• ORGO
• Misinterpreting the statue behind the Chapel… and every other statue on campus
• Believing that Public safety helps the public or provides safety
• Getting excited when Dean Deigman e-mails you telling you to SCORE
• Trying to pick up girls at a party thrown by the Princeton Theological Seminary.
• Inviting the Fire Inspectors in for a candlelight dinner
• Attending anything described as mandatory
• Touching anything in the TI Taproom
• Getting touched in the TI taproom.

Forming the TI taproom, the band plays “Gimme Some Lovin’.”

(Band forms a tap room [one trash member holds a paper cutout of a keg, while others chase the “keg” around the taproom] and plays “Gimme Some Lovin’”)
​
Run away, band, it’s Lehigh, and they’re looking for a special friend!

Lafayette 2003

Princeton at Lafayette
​​September 27th, 2003
Princeton loses 13-28

The band was unable to perform at Lafayette. 

Columbia 2003

Columbia at Princeton
October 4th, 2003
Princeton loses 27-33

Pregame

By your powers combined, we are the PRINCETON UNIVERSITY BAND.

(Band plays “Cannon”)

To boost the moral of the Columbia team, we were compiling a list of teams who had lost more games than Columbia. Sadly, we couldn’t think of a single one, Instead, we decided to put together a list of teams who had better records than the Columbia football team:

• The Boston Red Sox
• The Jamaican bobsled team
• Anyone fighting against Rocky
• The A-team
• The French in World War 2
• The Iraqi Republican National Guard softball team
• Charlie Brown’s baseball team
• The Bulgarian Quidditch Team
• The dyslexic Scrabble team
• The French in World War 1
• The Washington Senators
• The real Washington Senators
• Kenny, from South Park
• The Columbia Basketball team… Oh, wait, no
• The Communists
• The Spanish Armada
• The French in the Franco-Prussian War
• And finally, the Columbia band

Forming a miniscule ‘c’ for “consolation prize,” the band reminds Columbia that your moms still think you’re cool.

(Band plays “Roar Lions Roar”)

And now, presenting the new and improved Instigating Playa-hating Pontificating Masticating Flagellating Self-deprecating Confiscating Checkmating Laminating Carbonating Illuminating Evacuating Panty-raiding Rejuvenating Invading Radiating Invigorating Stimulating Vibrating Double Double Rotating P!

(Band plays “Going Back”)

Halftime
Back on the field for our weekly fix, it’s the Princeton University Band!

After their horrendous 0 and 12 season last year, Columbia University was desperate for talent. Columbia’s scouts were up late one night watching Telemundo, when they saw a talented fùtbol team with the same name. Hoping to learn the tricks of the trade, Columbia University decided to send their football players down to play against South America’s finest-the Columbia fùtbol team. When the teams had their first scrimmage, Columbia U didn’t fare so well. They were distracted by acres and acres of lush, green weeds. By the end of the scrimmage, the New York players had all been issued red cards while the Columbian players were issued Green cards. Although the University’s team lost, they didn’t feel so bad because the other team never got their hands on the ball either. Both teams admitted that the fùtbol game was a learning experience and there were no hard feelings. In the spirit of cultural exchange, the students got really close with the grounds crew. So close that they offered to help by doing lines. Forming lines on the field, the Band admits that we “Can’t Get Enough,” either.

(Band forms lines and plays “Can’t Get Enough”)

Frustrated by their inability to score on the field, the Columbia University football team looked for satisfaction elsewhere. Not being in New York, the team had a more difficult time finding high school girls who were not already married. Luckily, the American team gained a reputation among the local sports fans for their unusually shaped [cut:balls] footballs. The Columbians found these balls awkward to handle, but fun to pass around. For the American team, going down to foreign lands led to coming down with an exotic disease. In the end, the Columbia team came back with a serious case of football fever. Forming American style balls, the band plays “Great Balls of Fire”

(Band forms two footballs and plays “Great Balls of Fire”)

Just when it seemed that things couldn’t get any worse, THEY DID!

(During “Great Balls of Fire” the Drum Major danced around the field with a large inflatable palm tree. When the song finished, she stopped dancing and stood with the palm tree centered between (and slightly above) the two footballs the band formed on the field. The Drum Major turned the tree upside-down, and when the announcer said, “they did,” she stabbed the palm tree with a pocket knife, let it deflate rapidly, and dropped it to the ground.)

Mosey away, band! Columbia’s back, and they’re faster, stronger, and oh so much higher.

Colgate 2003

Colgate at Princeton
October 11th, 2003
Princeton loses 3-30

Pregame
V’yomer ADONAI el-Moshe laymor.It’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band plays “Cannon”)

Well, it’s parents’ weekend again, and to avoid sending parents home with the wrong impression of their child’s experience on campus, we decided to advise parents about places on campus to avoid:

• Your son’s dorm room after dark… if his rooms a’rockin’, don’t come a’knockin’
• Your old dorm room
• The TI taproom
• PJ’s Pancake House
• Terrace F. Club…. unless you really want to relive the 70s
• The deep, dark bottom of the Woody Woo Fountain
• West College… they’ll ask you for more money
• McCosh Health Center… they’ll try to convince you you’re carrying another little
• Princetonian…. 
• The Grad College… although you’d never be able to find it anyway
• The Princeton School of Dentistry

Acknowledging that we don’t actually have a dental school, the band forms a little “c” for cavity, and realizes that it should have taken advantage of Colgate.

(Band plays “Fight Fight Fight”)

And now, Fluoride-enhanced Tooth-whitening Orally stimulating Minty-fresh Tartar-controlling Plaque-busting Baking soda and peroxide containing Three-layered Triple Action, Action, ACTION Breath-freshening Gingivitis killing Antiseptically-enhanced Coming in a pump or a tube ADA approved Working while you sleep so you don’t have to It’s the DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING P!!!!

Halftime
​Recalling the Colgate Band, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band plays “Princeton Forward”)

And now, a word from our sponsors: (Next part was spoken with an Arnold S. accent. We actually used two different announcers. It rocked!) Guten Tag. I am Arnold Schwarzenegger. You may recognize me from political documentaries such as “Conan the Barbarian” and “Conan the Destroyer.” Now that I have seized the title of “govenator,” I am one step closer to being the President of the United States. So the next step that we will take will be to issue a recall against President Bush. We will call it “Total Recall 2: Judgment Day.” You should vote for me because I campaign on a platform made from reinforced concrete because it is the only material that can support my massive biceps. And unlike other politicians, I only tell “True Lies.” Truthfully, who would you rather vote for? My bicep or my OTHER bicep! Look what happened to Gray Davis. The people don’t want Gray! They want lusciously tan and golden brown. If you would like to know more about my policies on crime, religion, and abortion, please see “Kindergarten Cop,” “End of Days,” and “Junior” respectively. I will appoint both my biceps to Attorney General, and they will prosecute the criminals to the utmost extent of my fists. I intend to solve all energy crises single-armedly by attaching a generator to my titanic biceps! (We may have cut this line due to time constraints) So remember to vote “Ja” for Arnold Kennedy Schwarzenegger Kennedy for the next recall election. This is what I desire, but desire is irrelevant! I am a machine!

(Band forms a bicep and plays “Iron Man”)

And in other news, we’d like to update our audience on some of the things President Bush found while searching in Iraq for weapons of mass destruction.

• Arnold Schwarzenegger
• Saddam’s long lost twin brother, Gomorrah
• Waldo
• A sensible plan to garner UN support
• Nemo
• Dick Cheney’s undisclosed location
• Jimmy Hoffa
• A nasty case of syphilis
• Lots and lots of sand
• 87 billion dollars

Stealing from the poor and giving to the military, the band forms a bag of gold.

(Band forms a bag of gold, and plays “Prince of Thieves”)

Run away band, it’s 4 out of 5 dentists, and they’re recommending the other band!

Brown 2003

Princeton at Brown
​October 18th, 2003
Princeton wins 34-14

Pregame
Note: This pregame show was performed with the Brown band. Their parts are in parentheses.

(The year is 1928. The stock market is soaring. Things will be happy and wonderful forever, just like the Brown Band.)

(Band runs on field and then plays “Cannon” without repeat)

(In our mutual search for the truth about the Depression, the bands turned to Fox News, home of the truth. We learned that the crash was caused by the Democrats’ tax-and-spend policies, and the dust storms were nothing more than a foreshadowing of Clinton’s affair. Coming together to form Bill O’Reilly’s gigantic head, the bands will salute our hero with NFL on Fox.)

(Bands form football, play NFL on Fox. Note: We did not have an arrangement of NFL on Fox, so we stayed in our lines until the song ended and scrambled with the Brown Band.)

But what finally pulled America out of the Depression? Was it…

• (A: A very long rope?
• B: FDR’s WPA initiative to distribute food and shiny objects to downtrodden citizens?
• C: The same thing that got us out of the last recession, Bob Dole and Strom Thurmond?
• D: Penicillin in the drinking water?
• E: Repealing the prohibition
• F: The Princeton Band.) Wait! I thought we agreed on “F The Brown Band.” (Umm… F The Penn Band? That’ll do!)

(The bands form their respective choices as the Brown Band plays the Brown Cheering Song.)

(Band forms lower case ‘B’ and plays the waltz/conga of the Brown Cheering song when Brown stops playing)

And now, forming the symbol that represents: Power Momentum Phosphorous Rho, if you’re Greek Applied loadbrackets Pressure Urine Probability density Little green vegetables Polynomial time Protein Parsec Pirate Piano Point-to-point protocol The grade that Brown students like to receive It’s the Double, Double Rotating P!

(Band plays “Going Back”)

(Band stays on the field while Brown plays the anthem. We run off the field together.)

Halftime
​​Ladies and Gentlemen! Do you know how many licks it takes to get the center of the Princeton University Band?

(Band plays “Princeton Forward”)

Seeing as the economy is fairly poor, and the Princeton grads have shut the Brown grads out of all the I-banking jobs, we thought we’d suggest some alternative uses for your Brown diploma.

• Join the Princeton Band
• Paint it orange
• Cross out half the words and use it as a MadLib
• Use it to wipe your ass
• Cut it into small squares and use as toilet paper
• Learn Latin
• Smoke it
• Sit on it and spin
• Give yourself paper cuts
• Write on the back, “Will work for food”
• Use it to pick up women… very light women
• Use it to stuff your bra and/or crotch
• And finally, put it on the application for your NEXT undergraduate college.

(Band forms a Brown diploma and plays “School’s Out”)

Between Roy being attacked by his tiger and the tiger being discovered in an apartment in NY, we started to contemplate the wisdom of keeping certain animals as pets. Here’s a list of animals we would NOT want living in our very, very fine house.

• RAPTORS
• Sheep… oh, wait, wrong school
• Gollum
• Mutated sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their foreheads
• Crabs… of all shapes and sizes
• A giraffe in heat
• ROUSs…oh, I don’t think they exist. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
• Horny toads… very horny toads
• Glow in the dark sperm whales
• A double, double rotating peacock
• Flocks of flying monkeys
• A dildo… oops, I mean Dodo

Forming a Dodo on the field, the Band plays “Birdland.”

(Band begins to form a dildo, but the announcer yells, “Band! I said DODO! The band then forms a Dodo bird and plays “Birdland”)

Run away, band, it’s a very horny toad, and it’s coming your way!

Harvard 2003

Princeton at Harvard
​October 25th, 2003
Princeton loses 40-43

Pregame
Running onto the field faster that Harvard security, it’s the Princeton University Band.

(Bands plays “Cannon”)

In addressing the needs of the Hahvahd students by funding things that take less time out of their busy lives and reduce the need for pesky interpersonal contact, the Hahvahd administration recently issued a statement promoting the practice of asexual reproduction. Here are some of the benefits they publicized:

• The tweed never comes off.
• You can’t give yourself any new diseases.
• You’ll cut your cigarette use in half
• You’ll never have to worry about having a small endowment.
• Men can discover the wonders of creation 1st hand… and if that doesn’t work, you can use the 2nd hand.
• It’s never hampered by fatigue or headaches.
• You can create your own personal “mini-you.”

Forming a little ‘h’ for the little Hahvahdians, the band salutes Hahvahd’s new initiative on asexual reproduction.

(Band forms a little ‘h’ and plays “Harvardiana”)

And now, Making much ado about nothing Measure for measure Making sure that all’s well that ends well With Julius Caesar…Seize her? Hardly even know her! Bringing a plague on both your houses Kicking Hahvahd’s Coriolanus Corrupt with virtuous season Being neither a borrower nor a lender Giving our kingdom for a horse Being such stuff as dreams are made of Doubling, Doubling, toiling and troubling To be or not to Double, Double, Rotating P!

(Band plays “Going Back”)

Run away, band, (some line that the announcer made up on the fly because we forgot to write one — we were kind of busy watching our president getting arrested).

Halftime
​​There once was a man from Nantucket who had a…Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles onto the field because they fucked us over and had a presentation that ran late.)

(Movie-trailer announcer voice): In a land where Crimson is king, a storm is brewing. Cap’n Larry Summers encounters fierce resistance from his own faculty and administration. Does this foretell mutiny? In a heartwarming coming-of-age story, professors embark on a journey to transform themselves from tweed-wearing landlubbers to rum-swilling scalawags. As the Law School leads a ragtag crew to wrest the wheel from their president’s scurvy hands, corduroy elbow patches become eye patches. Parrots squawk, “Publish or perish! Gotta get a Nobel! Awk!” And Harvard is decorated with school colors as never before, as innocent bystanders are run through with cutlasses.
Get ready for the motion picture event of the semester as the mutineers attempt to knock Cap’n Summers, but not their students’ grades, below C-level. This movie is rated Arrrrr for: Lust. Passion. Intrigue. And entrails. Entrails. Entrails. Coming soon to a fifth-rate university near you!

(Band forms pile of entrails and plays “Get Ready for This)

(Regular announcer voice): All intrigue aside, Harvard is a great place. Don’t you think so? Harvard certainly does! They’ve decided to give out awards to those who embody the characteristics they most admire in themselves. Recipients of the Harvard Award for Excellence in Mediocrity include:

• Double fudge chocolate cake, for being sickeningly rich
• Strom Thurmond, for being racist close-minded, out-dated, and having no life
• Canaries, for producing so many little twits
• The Princeton University Band, for relieving themselves on the John Harvard statue
• The Department of Homeland Security, for making the connection between crimson and very bad things
• A scarecrow, for smiling bravely while having such a large stick up its rear
• The Cubs fan from Game 6, for being hated by millions
• The Boston Red Sox, for being perennial losers
• Joshua Burton, for being here

Forming a trophy, the band plays “Joshua.”

(Band forms trophy and plays “Joshua”)

Run away, band! It’s the John Harvard statue, and he looks peeved!

Cornell 2003

Cornell at Princeton
​November 1st, 2003
Princeton wins 6-28

Pregame
Ladies, Gentleman, and people from Cornell, there’s no wrong way to eat a Princeton University Band!

(Band scrambles on to field because Cornell started their show two minutes late)

[Note: This joke was not performed because we didn’t have time]

Since Cornell had such a long, hard drive to get to Princeton for today’s game, we decided to make them feel at home. Lacking any gorges, we opted to provide them with another form of entertainment: throwing things off of Fine Tower. Here are some suggestions:

• That extra bed cluttering up you dorm room.
• A cat — to see if it lands on its feet.
• Aristotle and Galileo, to se which one hits the ground first.
• A Super Happy Fun Ball
• A sousaphone – to increase it’s range.
• The Harvard Bass Drum
• An apple — to prove that that Newton guy was really on to something.
• A witch — if she falls, then she wasn’t really a witch.
• Peter Pan — he’d better start thinking happy thoughts
• A cow because it won’t walk down the stairs.

Forming a ‘c’ for “cow,” the bands says, “MOO!”

(Band forms little ‘c’ and plays Cornell’s fight song)

(Band plays the national anthem)

Halftime
​​Direct from Greenwich Village, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band plays “Princeton Forward”)

We think Cornell is Hell. Don’t agree? Here are some similarities. Both have:

• An excess of the color red
• Toil and suffering
• Crappy mascots, but really great hockey teams
• SIN
• Locations that are very far from anywhere else
• Futile laboring
• Recurring death
• Heavy-handed architecture
• [cut: Weather that is STANK] Really predictable weather
• Thousands and thousands of people from Long island.
• And once you arrive at either place, you’ll never find your way out!

Forming the thousands of lost souls at Cornell (not drawn to scale), the band plays “Land of a 1000”

(Band forms an crowd and plays “Land of 1000 Dances”)

You may notice that there aren’t many students at the game today. Some say it’s because it is fall break, but we think it’s because they are:

• Knitting
• Watching paint dry
• Spelunking
• Crying
• Trying to grow new limbs
• Living on a prayer
• Sending in box tops for the free prize
• Having one too many
• Looking for the pot at the end of the rainbow
• Giving candy to the kids that have been locked in their basement since Halloween
• And, finally, getting arrested

(Band forms handcuffs and plays “Hawaii 5-0”)

Run away band, it’s the Cornell football team and they’re trying to score!

Penn 2003

Princeton at Penn
​November 8th, 2003
Princeton loses 7-37

No show records are available for this game.

Yale 2003

Yale at Princeton
​November 15th, 2003
Princeton loses 24-27

No show records are available for this game.

Dartmouth 2003

Princeton at Dartmouth
​November 22nd, 2003
Princeton loses 25-21

No show records are available for this game.