2001 – Princeton University Band

2001 Football Season

Team Record: 3-6
Band Record: 9-0

Lehigh 2001

Princeton at Lehigh
September 22nd, 2001
Princeton loses 10-34

No show records available for this game.

Columbia 2001

Columbia at Princeton
September 29th, 2001
Princeton wins 44-11

Pregame:

Ladies and Gentlemen … the Princeton University Band.

“Princeton Cannon Song”

Because of the tragic events of September 11th, the home opener was postponed until tonight. We would like to welcome you to Princeton Stadium, and present a special pregame. In the spirit of the University Motto, Under God She Flourishes, we invite you to unite with us as a Community to ensure that the spirit of Princeton continues to flourish.

(Band plays “God Bless America”) (Band plays “Going Back”) (Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner”)

Halftime
Ladies and Gentleman, It takes 38 Trustees to install a President, but it only takes one… Princeton University Band

(Band Plays Princeton Forward)

Yesterday Dr. Shirley Tilghman was installed as the University’s 19th President. The Band has uncovered documents revealing other candidates for the presidency and why they were rejected:

Steve Forbes and Bill Bradley both lost in the primary
President Shapiro’s Brother was found to be the evil twin
Prince wanted to change the our name to The University Formerly known as Princeton
Brother Stephen was Vetoed by God ’00
God ’00 wasn’t Canadian
No one knows why David Duchovny was rejected, but the truth is out there
Bill Clinton wasn’t concerned enough about the University’s endowment
Al Gore was rejected because there’s too much sculpture on campus already, and besides, we only hire real academics.

Forming Al’s Academic Reputation, the band says “Thank God this is Princeton”

(Band forms a 0 and plays Hail to the Chief, segues into Call me Al)

With the installation of our second consecutive Canadian President, and news that the French department has seceded from other Romance languages it seems like a Canadian plot to take control of the University is in full swing. Here are some changes we expect to see soon

Proctors will be replaced with Mounties
Baseball will be replaced with Varsity Curling
Nude Iditerod will be held in Holder Courtyard
Only Molson will be served at Reunions
The line between Princeton borough and township will be the longest undefended border in Mercer County
Our endowment will increase to 12 billion dollars… Canadian
The U-store will be duty free
Princeton Fur Traders, the new student agency
USG sponsored healthcare
And the Honor code will state “I pledge my honor that I have not violated the honor code, eh?”

But seriously, folks even though President Tilghman is from the great north, there’s no real danger of a Canadian Takeover. I repeat: En realité, le canada ne menace pas notre université.

(Band forms flag with Maple leaf, which changes to a Princeton Flag and plays Oh Canada segues to We’re an American Band)

Run Away Band, it’s Celine Dion and she’s aboot to sing, eh?

Colgate 2001

Colgate at Princeton
October 6th, 2001
Princeton loses 10-35

Pregame:
4 out of 5 Dentists Agree – It’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band Plays Cannon)

In an effort to spice up campus life, The Colgate trustees hired George Lucas to make some changes. First, he changed their mascot to the Red Raiders – Of the Lost Ark, but that’s not the only change he made.

Campus Police were replaced with Stormtroopers
Baby snakes and Chilled monkey brains found their way into the dining hall
Large Boulders were placed in the library to protect Rare Books
The health center was replaced with the cup of eternal life
Yoda was installed as the head of the RJTC – Reserve Jedi Training Corps
And the basketball team expects great things from their new center – Chewbacca.

Saluting Colgate’s star Player, the band forms a little c.

(Band forms Little c and plays Fight, Fight, Fight) And now, passing through the

Pearly
Water
Bill
Cole
Tail
Fitzrandolph
Star
Golden
Brandenburg
Starting
Logic
Rusty
Flood

…it’s the Double – Double – Rotating P!

(Band plays Going Back) (Band plays Star Spangled Banner)

Run away band, it’s Mark McGwire and he’s mad as hell.

Halftime
Rumbling onto the field like that backhoe outside your window … It’s The Princeton University Band

(Band Plays Princeton Forward)

We couldn’t help but notice the amount of construction going on around campus. As long as there is so much expansion going on, the band has some suggestions about what should be built next.

The Bradley-Nader-Forbes center for losing gracefully
Another overpriced coffee shop
WA 2
Replace the Woody Woo fountain with a Ball Pit
A statue of Princeton’s Soul to be sold to the highest bidder
A Grad Student petting zoo
An affordable bookstore
Oval with points 2, or Nixon’s Tricky Dick
And, Showcase our growing endowment by erecting a larger Butler Sundial

Showcasing our endowment, the band forms an erected sundial and plays Great Balls of Fire.

(Band forms a sundial and plays Great Balls of Fire)

Although it’s much less visible than the construction, the campus mail system has also undergone a lot of renovation. The first step was made when the staff of gorillas in the mailroom was replaced with chimpanzees. After discovering the chimps couldn’t read, we decided to hire Hahvahd grads then promptly switched back to chimps. Another switch to human beings was eventually successful, but due to a bureaucratic error, the workers were paid in bananas for over a decade. The mail system was further stimulated in the 70s with the introduction of the female system, bringing service to it’s current level. Since the 70s however, progress has stalled. In order to overcome this, the band suggests that the workers stop sampling all the Timothy Leary commemorative stamps. Forming a stamp the band invites the mail service to tune in, turn on, and drop out.

(Band forms a psychedelic stamp and plays White Rabbit)

Speaking of inefficient systems take the borough police (Please, No, Really). Recently the borough police have begun devoting more time to cracking down on Prospect Avenue. Here are our suggestions for better ways for them to spend their time.

Protecting and serving the people
Keeping an eye on Princeton Township police
Increasing doughnut runs 5000%
Synchronized night stick twirling
Partying on the street
Trimming the Chia Pets outside the Stadium
Making prank 9-1-1 calls
Enforcing noise ordinances against construction projects
stopping drunk Driving
Enforcing anti-trust laws against the U-Store
Obtaining search warrants BEFORE entering private residences
Teaching K-9 unit to catch a frisbee
And, experimenting with creative uses of Handcuffs

Experimenting with our own handcuffs the band plays, Hold on I’m Coming.

(Band forms handcuffs and plays Hold on I’m Coming)

Run away band it’s the borough police and they’ve got too much time on their hands.

Brown 2001

Princeton at Brown
October 13th, 2001
Princeton loses 24-35

Pregame:
Smacking of old fashioned elitism, it’s the Princeton University Band!

(Band plays “Princeton Cannon Song”)

For some reason, the Rockefeller Library didn’t welcome us with open arms this morning. We were wondering just what it is they’re trying to hide.

Secretly inaugurating President Simmons a day early
Sweatshops for hemp necklaces
Vegetarians are holding their weekly meat feast
Weekly book burnings
Holding secret non-pass-fail classes
The Brown Band

Saluting Brown’s dirty secret, the band forms a little ‘b’.

(Band forms ‘b’, plays “Brown Cheering Song”)

And now:

Dreaming of a Brown Christmas
In the deep Brown sea
Roses are Brown, Violets are also Brown
A great Brown Shark
Brown skies, smiling at me
The grass is always Browner on the other side
We all live in a Brown submarine
Brown you glad I didn’t say – the double double rotating P!

(Band plays Going Back)

Hey Band, make like a library and Book.

Halftime
Princeton and all members of the Ivy league share in the loss of September 11th, the memories of the victims live on, as we try to cope with the tragedy and move forward with hope, and in this spirit we present our more lighthearted halftime show. And so… Attention Janina Montero …. We’re BA-ack

(Band Plays Princeton Forward)

We heard that the number of assaults on campus has been rising faster than a politician at an internship convention. Because the Princeton Band cares about your safety, we’re offer some tips to help you stay safe.

Use Full Body Prophylactics
Dress up like a tree
Wear a belt of human scalps
Smell like the Brown Band
Run Current through your piercings
Always Protest in groups of three or more
Move to New Haven… oh wait
Always walk with a buddy … a slower buddy
Carry Mace, and a battle axe
Try not to walk around with hundred dollar bills taped to your naked body
And Intern for Gary Condit, they can’t hurt what they can’t find

Forming a question mark, the band suggests you draw your own conclusions. (Band forms a question mark, plays “She’s Not There”)

Note: The second joke was not performed .

(Moving from Townie Muggers to Brown Tree Huggers, we’ve heard that Brown Pacifists have had trouble expressing their pent up aggression. Here are some constructive outlets:

Squeezing in one more protest between lectures
S&M
Stockpiling nerf products
Dodgeball
Adding more strongly worded bumper stickers to their VW Bus
Piñatas
Building semi automatic Salad Shooters
Running Naked in the Snow
Getting really Miffed
Piercings, Piercings, Piercings
Adding Cleats to their Birkenstocks
Making Hemp nooses
Watching Brad Pitt movies and making soap
Growing Killer Tomatoes
Sharpening Olive Branches and Training Attack doves
And Practicing their Care Bear Stare … shown here actual size

(Band forms a Care Bear Stare, plays “Gimme Some Lovin’”))

Run Away, it’s the Bruin football team, and they look pretty Miffed

Harvard 2001

Princeton at Harvard
October 20th, 2001
Princeton loses 26-28

Pregame:
Stroking onto the field, like the head of the Charles, it’s the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Cannon Song”

So, we were reading the Globe last weekend, and guess what we found out? 91% of Hahvahd students graduated with meaningless honors last year. The other 9% apparently spent their time rolling around in mountains of money, begging for food, and chastising servants. Forming a little h, the band salutes meaningless honors.

(Band forms a small ‘h’ and plays “Hahvahdiana”)

And now it’s the

Hunan Beef
Chicken with Peapods
Sweet and Sour Chicken
Crab Rangoon
Orange Chicken
Chicken Fried Rice
Won Ton Soup
Vegetable Moo Shu
Are you gonna eat that…
Double, Double Rotating P

(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)

Run away Band! It’s General Tso, and he thinks you’re chicken.

Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen: It’s funny because it’s the Princeton University Band. After we finished reading about grade inflation in the Globe, we picked up another periodical called US News and World Report. And guess what we found? That’s right, Princeton is the #1 University in the Country Again. Although Hahvahd may have more money than Princeton, it’s not the size of your endowment that counts, it’s how you use it. For instance:

Princeton is eliminating student loans to increase socioeconomic diversity, while Hahvahd is eliminating socioeconomic diversity
Princeton is planning to build a sixth residential college, Hahvahd is plotting to get rid of that pesky undergraduate college
Princeton Built a Friend center for engineering, while Hahvahd attempted to engineer a friend
Princeton is setting up programs that allow students to study abroad, Hahvahd is setting up programs that allow students to study broads.
Princeton has been working in the service of all nations, while Hahvahd has just been servicing itself.
And Princeton is renovating its Chapel; Hahvahd, on the other
hand, just finished hammering the final layer onto the golden calf.

Forming a false god, the band brings you to your knees.

(Band forms golden calf, plays Nearer my God to Thee, segue to Iron Man) (The following Joke deals with the Harvard Business School, and therefore is closed captioned for the humor impaired)

After we finished the US News, we picked up a pamphlet from the Business School, called How to Succeed in Business, the Hahvahd way. Here are our favorite tips.

Two words Internet (That’s funny because internet is one word, not two, you see how this explanation thing works? We knew you’d catch on)
Find a box and think outside it. (That’s funny because it makes fun of an overused expression, and also because no one literally thinks inside a box. For those of you that prefer dated low brow humor, it’s also funny because said box)
Facilitate the implementation of a proactive poor screwing paradigm. (This is funny because it uses a lot of corporate buzzwords with no real meaning, and also because it calls you heartless SOBs)

Forming a profit-making paradigm we give you the business school’s best advice for success, graduate with honors, everybody else does.

(Band forms two dimes and plays School’s Out)

Look out Band, it’s the other group on campus with no sense of humor.

Cornell 2001

Cornell at Princeton
October 27th, 2001
Princeton loses 7-10

Pregame:
No pregame show script is available for this game.

Halftime
Marching onto the field in straight lines … It’s the Princeton University Band! Sophomore Steven Abt is running for Borough Council. If he wins, here are some changes that the community can expect to see.

Council meetings will begin with 15 minutes of awkward silence, because no one has done the reading
Nassau Street will be renamed, Class of 1956 Way
The Mayor will be replaced with a Canadian
Triumph Brew Pub will instate Bicker
The Borough will become composed almost entirely of White, Upper class Yuppies… oh wait
Prospective Residents will be referred to Dean Fred
And Orange Key Tours will now include, Your House

Forming Your House, the band asks when we can stop by.

(Band forms a house, plays Call Me)

Sometimes people criticize the band for not being very family friendly. Today we’d like to present a joke for the whole family Early one morning the Cornell country mouse woke up and decided he was tired of cramming for exams, milking cows, and serving continental Breakfasts. Instead of throwing himself into the gorge, he decided to see civilization, so he headed to Princeton. When he arrived on campus he was met by a super-smart white mouse who told him to avoid the squirrels, and then headed off to Bicker Ivy. The country mouse was left to wonder what there was to do around here for fun.

(Band forms a bottle, plays Tequila)

As the country mouse began wandering around campus, he became confused by the lack of cows, and decided to try to find a classroom, where he was further confused by the lack of alphabet above the blackboard. Just as he was about to head back to the gorge, he suddenly heard band music, but this band was funny and played well, nothing like the band back home. Sensing his distress, the band directed him to Forbes College. The converted hotel in the middle was perfect for any Cornell native. He arrived and finally felt at home. Then he was stepped on by a Frat boy returning from the street.

(Band forms a shoe, plays Mickey Mouse theme segues to Kiss Him Goodbye)

Watch your tail Band, it’s the farmer’s wife.

Penn 2001

Princeton at Penn
November 3rd, 2001
Princeton loses 10-21

Pregame:
Because we care, it’s the Princeton University People-with-nothing-better-to-do Band!

“Princeton Cannon Song”

Right now, most of our band is on fall break. We really can’t blame them for not being here. There’s lots of places we’d rather be.

Hamilton Post Office
New Haven
Kabul
Deep in the crystal-clear waters of the Skokul (sic)
an undisclosed location
the Penn band.

Forming a little p for purgatory, the Band says “be careful what you wish for”.

(Band forms a small ‘p’ and plays “Fight On Pennsylvania”)

And now, it’s the

Ball Point
State
Felt
Pig
Bull
Quill
Fountain
Play
Uniball
paint
holding
epi
Single-Double Rotating P!

(Band forms Single-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)

Run away Band – quickly.

Halftime
The Princeton University Midterm Break Band, takes a long, hard look at your future. Hey seniors, we know your last 8 or 9 years here have been fun, but it’s time to start thinking about your future. Because we know you’ll need all the help you can get, we’d like to offer a Princeton Review Guide to standardized tests. Let’s start with a sample analogy: Princeton is to Penn as a. Dom Perignon is to Andre b. A surprise party is to a dark, empty room c. Powdered sugar is to anthrax d. Freckles are to melanoma While all those are good answers, you have to be sure to pick the best answer, which is e. a nice hot bath is to a cold shower in the State Pen Forming a bar of soap the band says, you’d better pick that up.

(Band forms soap, plays “Gimme Some Lovin’”)

Now let’s move on to math. A train leaves Chicago traveling at 60 miles an hour, a second train leaves … (crumpling paper) … you know this seems a little too ambitious, there are some tests other than the GREs and LSATs you should be more worried about, like:

A field sobriety test: How many fingers am I holding up?
A fast food competency test: Do you want fries with that?
Pregnancy test: Who’s the daddy?
Paternity test: Who’s your daddy?
Hearing test: What?
Cosmo’s do I satisfy my lover test: Here’s a hint, No
A vision test: Ask for the one with pictures
And the Rorschach test.

Forming an ink blot, we ask what you see.

(Band forms an inkblot, plays “I Can See for Miles”)

Run away band, it’s the Penn fans, and they don’t have to wear shades

Yale 2001

Yale at Princeton
November 10th, 2001
Princeton wins 34-14

Pregame:
Who needs invisibility when you’ve got… The Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Cannon Song”

Yesterday, we played at the unveiling of Shapiro Walk – we got to thinking, what does Yale need to unveil to make their campus livable?

Indoor Plumbing
The George W. Bush School of Middle Eastern Studies
2000 flushes to keep the Yale Bowl fresh
Vibrating beds in the library

Forming a little y for yes, oh yes, the Band asks what you’re doing with that camera.

(Band forms an upside-down ‘y’ and plays “The Whiffenpoof Song”)

And now, it’s the

John Witherspoon
rusty thing outside the stadium
e-phallus
chia tigers
Butler…um…Sundial
cracked face
cone table
ode to scaffolding
dried up fountain
Frist Monorail
The Flying f-Double Double Rotating P!

(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)

Halftime
Thank God, that’s over, and now, for your halftime entertainment, it’s the Princeton University Band.

“Princeton Forward”

Much to Yale’s dismay, it finds itself tied with Harvard in the US news rankings … at Number 2. Cheer up Yale, we know you’re not really like Harvard. For instance:

Harvard is known primarily for their professional schools, Yale on the other hand gains recognition from its Law and Medical schools
Harvard honors don’t mean anything, while honors at Yale mean nothing
Harvard’s annual giving rate is much lower than Princeton’s, but Yale alums give much less than Princeton Alums
And perhaps the most striking difference, Harvard Blows, while Yale Sucks

Doing some blowing of our own, no, the good kind, no, the other good kind. The band watches Yale come tumbling down.

(Band forms a pedestal, plays Joshua)

With options like Harvard and Yale, it’s a good thing Princeton is offering salvation to more students by increasing the size of the student body. But upperclass, conservative geniuses with Green hair aren’t the only people who stand to benefit. Alumni waiting to name things will have a whole new residential college up for grabs, and with fewer people to reject, the Admissions office will have more time to practice their award winning flamenco dancing Forming Dean Fred’s castanets, the band says “OLE”

(Band forms castanets, plays Children of Sanchez)

This year, Dean Fred isn’t the only one dancing Yale is entering their fourth century, and showing it. Here are some suggestions about how Yale should make the most of their tercentennial.

Drop Acid On your library Again
Suck Harder
Play Pin the Tail on the Bulldog
Break out the party hats, noisemakers and bulletproof vests
Pet the Bulldog in unnatural ways

And finally, we should all take this opportunity to reflect on what a Yalie really is.

(Band plays “Also Sprach Zarathustra”)

Flashers spell: Eli a Rare scum
Anagrams to America Rules
Flips to spell We’re Number 1 (Again)

Dartmouth 2001

Princeton at Dartmouth
November 17th, 2001
Princeton wins 35-14

Pregame:

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend your ears to – The Princeton University Band.

“Princeton Cannon Song”

We wanted to honor our President David R. Turner by writing a pregame entirely in Latin, but it’s a dead language and none of us knew it. We were able to remember a few letters, though, so we decided to form a little delta, for David, and salute our old faded tuba music by playing Us the Becks go Leering Dy.

(Band forms a small ‘delta’ and plays “As the Backs Go Tearing By”)

And now it’s the

Drunk DM with a megaphone,
DM Charge,
Presidential Charge,
No, the OTHER David Turner,
Tuba G.,
Can you eat 78 White Castles in three sittings?
Die for the Inn,
No, I’m just kidding,
Suspenders,
The Jelly Bean Man,
That’s South Jersey,
The Double-Double Rotating Cyclotron!

(Band forms Double-Double Rotating Cyclotron and plays “Going Back”)

(David chases Erik around and around inside the cyclotron during the song)

If you didn’t understand this pregame, don’t worry, it’s Greek to David.

Halftime
Coming back onto the field like Michael Jordan, it’s the Princeton University Band. This fall has seen a number of comeback attempts as Michael Jackson is attempting to salvage his reputation, and Michael Jordan is attempting to destroy his. Following this trend, other celebrities are on the comeback trail.

The energizer bunny is beginning a career in adult films, he keeps coming and coming and coming
Al Gore is making another run for office, he keeps appealing and appealing and appealing.
Barbra Streisand will begin one more final tour
Heidi Fleiss is setting up shop in Dartmouth with a flock of sheep
Tonya Harding will start a singing career by breaking Britney Spears’ knees
And Elian Gonzalaz is finding a bigger boat.

Forming Elian’s ride, the band says welcome back.

(Band forms a boat, Plays Proud Mary)

Hollywood is also on the comeback trail. After the disappointing summer season, the band is pleased to announce that Hollywood has returned to its proud tradition of quality and originality just in time for the holiday season. Here are some upcoming releases:

William Shatner stars as a green ogre with a bad toupee exploring the universe in Star Shrek
Pretty Woman II the wrath of Condit
The sequel to Gerard Depard … Gerard Depard – deux
Academy Award winning Director Steven Soderburgh presents: Traffic Jam, the story of the Smuckers Cartel
Follow that Bird 2 The Reckoning
Driving Miss Daisy 2 The Reckoning
Bambi 2 The Reckoning
The Jode family encounters super intelligent vineyards in their trek through California in Planet of the Grapes of Wrath
Peter Singer: Womb Raider
Ed Bradley and Andy Rooney mastermind a ring of car thefts in Gone in 60 minutes
And a Dartmouth frat boy embarks on a futile attempt to find love in American Pi Phi

Forming Pi, the band echoes the pleas of Frat Boys everywhere.

(Band Forms Pi and plays “Gimme some Lovin’”)

And now, for Drum Major Patrick “They’re always after me lucky charms” Miller, Head manager Melissa “Melanie” Turitz, Student Conductor Melanie “Melissa” Papasian, and President David “Grammer Bitch” Turner, I’m Jenn “Hey, I’m supposed to be on the field” McVetty saying “Clear the way for Humanitarian aid.”