Princeton University Band

Media

2000 Football Season

Team Record: 3-7
Band Record: 10-0

Lafayette 2000​

Lehigh at Princeton
​​September 16th, 2000
Princeton loses 17-24

​The band was not allowed to attend this game, so there are no shows.

Lehigh 2000

Princeton at Columbia
​​​September 30th, 2000
Princeton wins 27-24

Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, schlepping onto the field like Bubby (oy!), it’s the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Cannon Song”

We heard today was Rosh Hashanah, but we didn’t know what that meant. So we asked people on the streets of New York, just what is Rosh Hashanah? Here are some of the answers we got:

  • “It’s a time when Jews get together and get hammered.”
  • “It was the tribe with the hot chick on ‘Survivor.’”
  • “I don’t know, but they closed the freakin’ deli.
  • “Ebeneezer Scrooge said, ‘It’s just a poor excuse for picking a man’s pocket every first of Tishre.’”
  • “Don’t ask me. I’m Reform.”
  • “Wasn’t he the bad guy in ‘The Usual Suspects’?”
  • and “I don’t know, but I’ll give you twenty bucks for a bag of it.”

Forming a ‘c’ for Moses to part, the Band says, “Schvitz, Lion, Schvitz!”

(Band forms a lower-case ‘c’ and plays “Roar, Lion, Roar”)

And now, wishing a happy New Year to:

  • Albert Einstein,
  • Sandy Koufax,
  • Henny Youngman,
  • Whoopi Goldberg,
  • Rube Goldberg,
  • Hal Shapiro,
  • Joe Lieberman,
  • Alan Dershowitz,
  • Sarah Michelle Gellar,
  • Barbara Streisand,
  • Woody Allen,
  • Harpo, Groucho, Chico, and probably Zeppo,
  • Larry, Curly, Moe, and certainly Shemp,
  • Steven Spielberg,
  • Reverend Jackson-oh wait, scratch that one,
  • Mel Brooks,
  • Moses,
  • Gary Coleman,
  • Oscar Meyer,
  • Sammy Davis, Jr.,
  • Judd Hirsch,
  • and that guy with the fiddle on the roof,

It’s the Double-Double Rotating P!

(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)

Schlepp, Band! Schlepp like the wind!

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, live from Boro Park, it’s Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Erev Rosh Hashana, featuring the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Forward”

It’s great to be here in New York, and as long as we were here, we thought we’d see a show. But not every Broadway musical is a success. Here are some shows that didn’t make the cut:

  • “Smoky Joe’s Hash Bar”
  • “Little Shop of Whores”
  • “Don Chihuahua, the Man of Chalupa”
  • “Twice Upon a Mattress”
  • From the makers of “Rent”: “Lease… With an Option to Buy”
  • “Blue Man Support Group”
  • “How to Succeed in Business Despite Going to Columbia”
  • “Saturday Night West Nile Fever” (Band stops scrambling and does a disco point.)
  • and from the makers of “Guys and Dolls”: “Pimps and Hos”

Saluting our favorite show, “Jesus Christ Superfly,” the Band forms a superfly hat.

(Band forms a hat with a feather and plays “Superstar”)

But if you want to see some quality acting, don’t go to Broadway… look no further than the New York Senate race. Following in the footsteps of Jesse “The Body” Ventura, no one has higher hopes for the election than Hilary “The Wife” Clinton. Having completed her move from Little Rock to the Big Apple, she’s already made the following plans to make New York more like her home state of Arkansas:

  • Lincoln Center will become home to the Grand Ol’ Metropolitan Opry.
  • “No Trespassing” signs will be replaced with signs that read, “Git Off My Property!”
  • Public schools will drop in the rankings from 49th to 50th.
  • NBC Ratings will reach an all-time high as tired “Saturday Night Live” is replaced with reruns of “Hee-Haw.”
  • Strip bars will return to Times Square.
  • The stores will be replaced with the chores… and Times Square will be replaced with fresh air. (Quad toms play the Green Acres theme.)
  • Soho will be renamed “Soo-eey!”
  • Fast-food restaurants will post the motto, “No shirt, no shoes, no problem!”.
  • La Guardia will be renamed Uncle Fio’s Country Airport.
  • The Stock Exchange will be converted to the Livestock Exchange, ensuring that it’ll always be a bull market.

And noting the most drastic change of all… that property values on the Hudson River will mysteriously increase 6000%, the Band forms the white waters of the Hudson.

(Band forms the Hudson River and plays “Proud Mary”)

In parting, the Band asks you to remember: It takes a Greenwich Village to raise a transvestite.

Columbia 2000

Princeton at Columbia
​​​September 30th, 2000
Princeton wins 27-24

​No show records available for this game.

Colgate 2000

Princeton at Colgate 
​​​October 7th, 2000
Princeton loses 6-34

Pregame
Note: Colgate did not allow the band to perform a pregame show.

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, promising not to make any stupid toothpaste jokes that you’ve heard a million times already, it’s the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Forward”

It’s time for the major-league baseball playoffs. Unfortunately, no one seems to care. So we wrote to the Major League Baseball Association, suggesting they implement the following changes to make the baseball more exciting:

  • At the end of every inning, vote a player out of the game.
  • Aztec Death Rules: Two teams enter, ONE TEAM LEAVES!
  • Multiball!
  • Upgrade the batboy to Batman.
  • The first 500 children get an autographed baseball cap. The last 500 children get an autographed jock strap.
  • Get rid of the right fielder; replace him with a temperamental monkey.
  • Rename the dugout “The Pit of Despair.”
  • Install a hash bar in the stadium.
  • New rule: If a fan catches your foul pop, he gets to make out with your wife.
  • Replace the umpire with Judge Judy.
  • JumboTron porn.
  • Have the Cubs win something. ANYTHING.
  • Or the best suggestion of all… invite a marching band.

Forming a baseball diamond, the Band tries to get to third base.

(Band forms a baseball diamond; band plays “Gimme Some Lovin’” while trash section plays baseball.)

And speaking of the Braves, the Indians, and the Phillies — well, not the Phillies — this Monday is Columbus Day. The Princeton Band plans to relax and celebrate Columbus Day the old-fashioned way — by exploiting indigenous peoples and contracting a nasty case of syphilis. We do wonder why Columbus gets honored every year. After all, he was responsible for:

  • Columbus, Ohio
  • The obsolescence of the folding globe
  • A bunch of damn stupid movies in 1992
  • And he proved you could get somewhere in a Pinto.

Columbus didn’t even really discover America. That honor belongs to those nasty, hairy barbarians from the frozen north — no, not the Colgate Band — the Vikings! We can understand why the world favors Columbus over Leif Erickson, though. Columbus discovered the beautiful, warm islands of the Caribbean, while the Vikings discovered… Canada. Forming a flat earth, the Band reminds you that in the event the earth is flat, exits are located in the huge gaping hole in the ocean. Keep in mind that the nearest gaping hole may be behind you.

(Band forms a flat earth; band plays “Hawaii 5-0” while trash section sails off the end.)

​The Band supposes that if there is an end to the earth, it probably isn’t far from here.

Brown 2000

Brown at Princeton
​​​October 14th, 2000
Princeton wins 55-28

Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, wishing a happy belated 75th birthday to the Brown Band, but reminding them to respect their elders, dag nabbit, it’s the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Cannon Song”

Oh, that Brown University. It seems like the courses have just gotten easier every year. Here are some selections from this fall’s course guide:

  • Breathing 101
  • Advanced Topics in Computer Science: The On/Off Switch
  • The Internet in the Late 1800’s
  • Paint-By-Number for Non-Majors
  • Legos for Maniacs
  • Variations on Page-Turning
  • Showering for Engineers
  • And Advanced Potty Training, or Crapping for Credit.

To get an ‘A’ in one of these courses, you just need to show up. To get a ‘C-,’ you just need to wake up-at least once a semester. And who gets an ‘F’? The Brown Band! Saluting a course that the Brown Band is sure to fail-Beirut for Beginners-the Band forms a little ‘b.’

(Band forms a small ‘b’ and plays “The Brown Cheering Song”)

And now, wishing the Brown Band a:

  • happy birthday,
  • feliz cumpleaños,
  • bon anniversaire,
  • yom huledet sameach,
  • feliz navidad,
  • me-la-ka-li-ki-wa-ka,
  • que sera, sera,
  • coup d’etat,
  • veni, vedi, vici,
  • ohio gozaimas,
  • ich bein ein Berlinner,
  • rikki tikki tavi,
  • Zaphod Beeblebrox,
  • g’day mate,
  • hakuna matata,
  • Erin go bragh,
  • e-thay uins-Bray uck-say ock-cay,

Foster’s, Australian for double-double-rotating P!

(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)

(Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner”)

Halftime
And now, the reason you were afraid to send your kids to college, the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Forward”

The Princeton Band would like to welcome all the parents here for Freshman Parents Day. Here are some ways the University has been preparing for your arrival:

  • They’ve taken down the statues of Satanic idols.
  • They had Firestone Library recalled and replaced it with Goodyear Library.
  • They’ve impounded all squirrels larger than 2 feet.
  • They closed the hash bar.
  • They gave us a day out of the work mines.
  • They gave the engineers an ultimatum: Shower, or be showered.
  • They capella’d the a capella groups.
  • And their solution for Prospect Street? They napalmed the whole thing.

Forming a napalmed Prospect Street, the Band says, “Dude, I got bombed last night.”

(Band forms a street on which explosions appear and plays “Joshua”)

Unfortunately, when parents come to visit, not all freshmen tell them the whole story. Here are some lies we heard freshmen tell their visiting parents today:

  • “It’s a coffee table, not a keg.”
  • “Sure, I eat breakfast every day.”
  • “Those squirrels were crucified when I got here.”
  • “We’re only allowed to call home once a month.”
  • “I don’t know why I’m out of tube socks.”
  • “TI? No, I don’t know which one’s TI.”
  • “The drinking age is 18 in New Jersey.”
  • “No, no one finds the Band offensive.”
  • “Of course I love you more than beer.”
  • “Urban Action was lots of fun.”
  • “MP3’s are perfectly legal.”
  • “They only let seniors in the library.”
  • “I speak with Toni Morrison every day.”
  • “No, no, Sigma Alpha Epsilon is an engineering honor society.”
  • And this morning, we heard one freshman say, “No, Mom, that’s a misprint — it’s mirth control pills. I don’t want to get too happy.”

Forming a mirth control pill, the Band goes down the tubes.

(Band forms a mirth control pill and plays “Children of Sanchez”)

But there’s someone even more special than the parents at today’s game. Former Dean of Student Life Janina Montero is in the audience! We did wonder, though, why she came all the way from her new position at Brown just to visit Princeton for a day. Here are some of the reasons we came up with:

  • She came to pick up her Passport to the Arts.
  • She was voted off Rhode Island.
  • She just had to try a three-dollar fruit smoothie at the Beverage Lab.
  • She’s trying to set the record for the long-distance ‘Wa run.
  • She’s back to let us know she can really shake ’em down, now that she can dance.
  • She heard there were some openings on the basketball team.
  • Providence sent her to judge the righteous from the damned.
  • She had to come back because she was improperly recruited.
  • Two words: Edith’s Lingerie.
  • She was afraid of New Englanders burning her at the stake.
  • Another theory holds that Janina came back to visit her sisters, JaPinta and JaSantaMaria.
  • But really, she came back to stand vigil in Holder Courtyard until the first snowfall.

Forming Holder Courtyard, the Band reveals the biggest upside to Janina’s presence today: No more of that troublesome fun!

(Band forms Holder Courtyard and plays “Stripper” while trash section runs wearing “CENSORED” signs.)

​And no matter who wins, don’t forget to stop by the Woodrow Wilson fountain before you leave to watch the Princeton Band get wet and party down with the Brown Band.

Harvard 2000

Harvard at Princeton
​​​October 21st, 2000
Princeton loses 21-35

Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, alumni and alumnae, townies and townae, pupils and pupae, it’s the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Cannon Song”

So the office of the President of Princeton University is now open for nominations. But no one thought to nominate Hahvahd President Neil Rudenstein, who is also looking for work. Of course, if Rudenstein did become President of Princeton, he would probably make a few changes to make Princeton feel more like Hahvahd. For example:

  • He’d repeal all traffic laws,
  • institute an all-tweed dress code,
  • change our mascot to ‘the orange,’
  • pour all our faculty and monetary resources into the Grad College,
  • claim that the Oval with Points is really the statue of John Princeton,
  • give the Band a huge endowment ‘hint hint hint,’
  • and he’d build a hash bar-but it’s pronounced hash baa.

Forming a little ‘h,’ the Band invites you to rock the hash baa. (Band forms a small ‘h’ and plays “Hahvahdiana”) And now, not pronouncing the letter ‘r’ like:

  • Hahvahd,
  • Hal Shapio,
  • Neil Udenstein,
  • ugby, owing, and acketball,
  • Toys Us,
  • Spite and gape juice,
  • get dunk dinking bee and pass out on the floo,
  • 2D2,
  • statue-toy ape,
  • Bussel spouts,
  • fatenities and sooities-you know, the Geek system,
  • oast beef,
  • tombones and dummers,
  • and pox cods,

It’s the double-double-otating P!

(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)

(Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner”)

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, today’s halftime show is dedicated to University President Hal Shapiro, with special guest stars, the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Forward”

Today we bid a fond farewell to our beloved President, Hal Shapiro. During his time here, President Shapiro approved a ten-percent class size increase and raised over eight billion dollars. But you may not be familiar with some of Hal’s lesser-known accomplishments, such as:

  • He won second prize in a beauty contest and collected ten dollars.
  • He found a bargain at the U-Store.
  • He successfully cured all diseases on campus except for mono and pregnancy.
  • He quadrupled the endowment without resorting to renting out the Woodrow Wilson Bedroom in Nassau Hall.
  • In direct violation of his own Bioethics Committee, he cloned himself and assumed presidency at McGill University.
  • And he raised Princeton to Number One — in terms of scaffolding per capita.

Forming scaffolding, the Band lets you know what we think of Hal Shapiro… he’s pretty fly — for a white guy.

(Band forms scaffolding and plays “Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)”)

With Hal Shapiro leaving, everyone is wondering: Who will replace him? The Band has a few suggestions:

  • Ralph Nader… we’re predicting he won’t be busy.
  • New Folger’s Crystals — let’s see if they notice.
  • That big rusty sculpture outside the stadium… so then it’d have a real purpose for being here.
  • Amy Fox Kubacki… ’cause it’s her birthday!
  • Albert Einstein’s brain… in Brooke Shields’s body.
  • Or our best suggestion: Clinton — George Clinton — making the campus a heck of a lot funkier.

Forming Hal Shapiro, the Band reminds you that pretty soon, you won’t be able to call him President Shapiro any more… you can call him Hal.

(Band forms Hal Shapiro’s head and plays “You Can Call Me Al”; trash section holds a 20-yard-long pair of glasses.)

Of course, the most obvious replacement for Hal Shapiro is a certain other unemployed college president, Neil Rudenstein. Then again, Rudenstein couldn’t even do a good job at his own college. This year U.S. News and World Report ranked Princeton as number one above every other college in the nation. Here are some of the reasons Princeton is number one, and Hahvahd is number two:

  • Since Hahvahd is 100 years older than Princeton, a much higher percentage of Hahvahd graduates are dead.
  • While both schools have a rodent infestation, our cute little squirrels aren’t nearly as bad as Hahvahd students.
  • Princeton’s Menendez Brothers weren’t responsible for nearly as many deaths as Hahvahd’s Ted Kaczynski.
  • We have the Princeton Band… they have the Hahvahd Band.
  • At least our mascot is a noun.
  • They pahk the cah in Hahvahd Yahd… we park our foot in Hahvahd’s rear.
  • Because Hahvahd sucks, and Princeton doesn’t.
  • But the real reason Princeton is Number One: We have Hal Shapiro.

Saluting Hal Shapiro, and thanking him for all he’s done, the Band reminds him that he’s not the only Hal to have his plug pulled in 2001.

(Band forms concert shell, flashes, and plays “Thus Spake Zarathustra”)

Flashers spell: BRAVO WAYWARD HAL
Anagram to: BLOW HARVARD AWAY
Flip to reveal: OLD NASS KICKS ASS

​President Shapiro, please come to the fifty-yard line for a gift from the Band. (Hal Shapiro walks out onto the fifty-yard line; Drum Major puts a hat and blazer on him.) Ladies and gentlemen, Princeton President Hal Shapiro.

Cornell 2000

Princeton at Cornell
​​​​October 28th, 2000
Princeton loses 24-25

Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, dropping onto the field like Rick Lazio’s chances of getting into the U.S. Senate, it’s the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Cannon Song”

Last week at Cornell, a student was robbed while crossing a bridge. Because of this unfortunate incident, and because of today’s visit from First Lady Hilary Clinton, the University has decided to take the following precautions to increase security:

  • They armor-plated the Hot Truck.
  • They forced all cows at the Ag College to pass through a metal detector.
  • They turned the Big Red Barn into the Big Red Paramilitary Compound.
  • They strip-searched all nematodes in the Nematode Lab.
  • In order to slow down the metabolism of criminals, they lowered today’s temperature by 40 degrees.
  • They deported well-known MI-6 superspy John Cleese.
  • They installed Secret Service agents at sprint football games,ensuring that there’ll always be an audience of at least two or three.
  • They persuaded Cornell hockey fans to use more respectful language, damn it.
  • To prevent any more bridge robberies, they detonated all bridges, including Beau, Lloyd, Jeff, and Nash.
  • And they installed surveillance cameras in the bathrooms of Balch Hall, at least, someone did.

Forming a little ‘c,’ for Clinton, the Band urges you to re-elect Socks.

(Band forms a small ‘c’ and plays “Far Above Cayuga’s Waters)

And now, protected by:

  • electrified fences,
  • snipers,
  • armor plating,
  • Armor-All,
  • Teflon,
  • ADT,
  • ADD,
  • DDT,
  • the Sloman Shield,
  • Life Savers,
  • light sabres,
  • Saran Wrap,
  • bubble wrap,
  • Durex Sheik,
  • rotating knives,
  • Jewish mothers,
  • Lieutenant Wharf,
  • Blistex,
  • Depends,
  • Glenda, the Good Witch of the North,
  • and the Star Wars Missile Defense System,

It’s the double-double-rotating P!

(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)

Look out, Band! It’s Ben Affleck, and he wants to get you in a very uncomfortable place!

Halftime
And now, it’s the sexiest band in the Ivy League, the Princeton University Fall Break Band!

“Princeton Forward”

The World Series is over, and this year it was located entirely within New York City. In case there’s ever another Subway Series, here are some ways you can tell it’s truly a New York baseball game:

  • Right Field is referred to as the Upper East Side.
  • Argue with the ump, get shot in the head.
  • If there are two baserunners, they can split a cab.
  • The first 500 children get a free MetroCard!
  • The Seventh Inning Stretch is replaced with the Seventh Inning Peep Show.
  • There are more baseball bats in the stands than on the field.
  • Crack dealers charge $4.75! It’s ridiculous!
  • The box seats are rent-controlled.
  • They fold their bases when they eat them.
  • And instead of bases, they use street bums! Fans, catch the excitement as Jeeter slides into third bum!
  • Scalpers really take your scalp.
  • And instead of “You’re out!” the umpires yell “Forget about it!”

Forming the best part of the World Series — Derek Jeeter’s tight, sexy buns — the Band says, “Buy me some peanuts and crack.”

(Band forms Derek Jeeter’s buns and plays “We’re an American Band”)

After you take your kids out to the ballgame, you can take them trick-or-treating. But if you come to a strange house, watch for these signs that maybe you shouldn’t trick-or-treat there:

  • The yard is littered with bloody goat parts.
  • As you approach, you notice the house is breathing a bit too heavily.
  • The first candy bar is free — after that, it’ll cost you twenty bucks an ounce.
  • The house is painted orange and black… plaid.
  • The mailbox outside says “bin Laden.”
  • Decorations include fake spider webs, plastic skeletons, and a burning cross.
  • The car parked in the driveway has window stickers that say “Pat Buchanan for President,” “NRA All the Way,” or “Cornell Alumni Association.”
  • While suburban lakefront homes are often safe, that’s not the case if the lake’s on fire.
  • Instead of “Please Take One,” signs on the bowls of candy say, “Please Take at Least 375 Milligrams.”
  • Sign on the door says “Gone killin’… back in 5 mintues.”
  • The house has Greek letters on the front.
  • All the jack-o-lanterns have breasts.
  • And if your child is female, don’t trick-or-treat at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Forming a wrapped piece of candy, the Band reminds you: Never, ever trick-or-treat at a house where the door is answered by a man in fishnet stockings and a teddy.

(Band forms a wrapped piece of candy and plays “The Time Warp”)

​Aaaaaand now, the only wanna-be Big Ten band in the Ivy League, the Cornell University Big Red Marching Commie Hell-Spawn!

Penn 2000

Penn at Princeton
​November 4th, 2000
Princeton loses 24-40

Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, now available in Fun Size, it’s the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Cannon Song”

In the largest corporate grant in the University’s history, BP and Ford Motor Company have recently awarded Princeton 20 million dollars to study the greenhouse gases that contribute to the negative effects of global warming. We feel this is a shame, as there are many upsides to global warming too, such as the following:

a. Melting of the polar icecaps would raise Princeton property values as the whole campus becomes oceanfront property.
b. There would be more cases of spontaneous combustion, instead of the drudgery of day-to-day combustion.
c. Tourists would flock to the tropical paradise that is Detroit.
d. More people would light up at hash bars.
e. Philadelphia, formerly the Greasy Armpit of America, would gain new recognition as the Nation’s Deep Fat Fryer.
f. The Penn Band

Also, 

  • coffee,
  • Hot Pockets,
  • heated disputes,
  • sweet lovin’,
  • Schezuan bean curd,
  • Brooke Shields,
  • Mrs. O’Leary’s cow,
  • a moose in heat,
  • a heat wave, burnin’ through my heart,
  • tamales,
  • Hot Wheels,
  • a halogen lamp,
  • my roommate’s bread-maker,
  • magma,
  • smegma,
  • Hellfire!,
  • the Balkan Powder Keg,
  • and the desert, where no one remembers your name, ’cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain,
  • Have a full-contact, no-holds-barred cooking contest a la ‘The Iron Chef.’
  • Have the candidates’ alma maters play a football game next weekend.
  • Death Match Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots!
  • Pick a winner based on whose alma mater is ranked higher in U.S. News & World Report. Oh wait…
  • And according to the latest news, the Republicans have suggested flipping a coin-while the Democrats have suggested flipping a coin until Al Gore is declared the winner.
  • campaign,
  • champagne,
  • philandering,
  • Gerrymandering,
  • meandering,
  • hash bar,
  • Senatorial,
  • Gubernatorial,
  • janitorial,
  • Baltimore Oriole,
  • liberal,
  • literal,
  • conservative,
  • preservative,
  • incumbent,
  • redundant,
  • redundant,
  • redundant,
  • digital camera,
  • Gracie and Maggie,
  • Len the Lucky Stapler,
  • marmosets ain’t spankin’ my appendix,
  • rocking back and forth while he stands still,
  • couldn’t keep up on OA,
  • doesn’t own a tux,
  • troll feet!,
  • Take me to your lizard. Now never mention it again.
  • talking quietly on the phone,
  • every adverb,
  • medieval history,
  • Melissa and Paris think he looks like a chipmunk,
  • pork fried rice,
  • Wenger’ Hardly even know ‘er!
  • making sex,
  • honorary Jew

​(Band forms a small ‘p’ and plays “Fight On Pennsylvania”)

And now, hotter than: It’s the single-double-rotating P!

(Band forms Single-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)

(Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner”

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, Honey, I shrunk the Princeton University Fall Break Band!

“Princeton Forward”

​Recently Philadelphia chose the motto “The city that loves you back” over more accurately phrased choices, such as “The city that loves you in the rear.” But if you think it was difficult for city legislators to pick this new motto, you haven’t heard the half of it. Here are some rejected names for the City of Brotherly Love itself:

  • Philaphobia: Fear of Love
  • Huey Lewisburg: The City of the Power of Love
  • Echthradelphia: The City of Brotherly Hate
  • Franklin’s Bordello
  • Dorksville: Home of the Quaker
  • Phila-Keebler-Elf-ia
  • Landfill-adelphia: It would certainly explain the smell… oh wait, that’s just the Penn Band.
  • West Camden
  • Really-North Fort Lauderdale
  • Hades
  • In honor of the Liberty Bell, the Crack Capital of the World
  • Or the most quickly rejected name for Philadelphia: Wonderland.

Forming a Wonderland wafer, the Band invites Penn to eat what made us smaller.

(Band forms a wafer and plays “White Rabbit.”)

For eighty-one years, you’ve listened to and enjoyed the Princeton Band’s halftime shows. But not only did some names for Philadelphia not make the cut; neither did some ideas for halftime shows. Here are some of our worst halftime show ideas of all time:

  • “The Multivariable Calculus Halftime Spectacular!”
  • “The Musical Kama Sutra“
  • “The Vietnam War… on Ice!”
  • “Homopallooza!”
  • “Why Ghandi was Wrong”
  • “Things the Censors Wouldn’t Let Us Say”
  • “Fun with Prophylactics”
  • “Twelve Clowns, a Sedan, and an Airbag: A Circus Tragedy”
  • “Respirators: Unplugged!”
  • “Uniforms on the Left… Band Members on the Right”
  • “Bad Presidential Candidate Impersonations” [Ed. Note: This was the topic of Penn’s halftime show five minutes previous.]
  • “How a Little Polish Boy Grew Up to be Pope”
  • Or how about “Rejected Halftime Topics?” No, that’s not a good idea.

Saluting our favorite, “War and Peace… and Dancing!”… the Band forms peace.

(Band forms a peace sign and plays “Land of 1000 Dances.”)

​And remember, something something something, insert funny joke here, don’t forget to write this line later!

Yale 2000

Princeton at Yale
​November 11th, 2000
Princeton wins 19-14

Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, we ask you to please rise for a moment of the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Cannon Song”

So they don’t know who the next President of the United States will be, and they’ve decided to recount the votes in Florida. Several times. Realizing that this is getting us nowhere, the Band suggests these other ways to decide the next President: Forming an upside-down ‘Y,’ the Band asks ‘Y’ have these elections dragged on so long?

(Band forms an upside-down ‘Y’ and plays “The Whiffenpoof Song”)

And now, it’s the Double-Double Rotating P! (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)

Look out, Band! It’s Bill Clinton, and he’s still pressing the flesh!

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, swerving onto the field like George W. Bush on the Maine Turnpike, it’s the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Forward”

Some people equate Yale with Hell. But we know that’s not true. Hell is much, much better than Yale, and here are some reasons why:

  • It’s warmer in Hell.
  • Hell is safer.
  • The bulldog only has one head…Cerberus has three.
  • You can’t hear the Yale Band in Hell.
  • Hell won’t beg its alumni for money.
  • At least the dead have an excuse for their personality.
  • Satan breathes fire…the bulldog just poops a lot.
  • The Amtrak train to New Haven isn’t as comfortable as the handbasket.
  • And in Hell, you don’t need to worry about misleading ballots to know whether your school’s alumnus has been elected president.

Forming a misleading ballot, the Band asks Yale to stuff it.

(Band forms a misleading ballot and plays “Night Train”)

This fall U.S. News and World Report ranked yale and Hahvahd tied for second place behind — guess who — Princeton. But don’t trust one magazine’s opinion. Here’s what some other magazines have said about yale:

  • Popular Mechanics says they’re a bunch of tools.
  • Consumer Reports advises the immediate recall of yale students, since they may blow out at high speeds.
  • The New York Times Crossword describes yale as a four-letter word that starts with “SH.”
  • Cosmo lists fifty ways to satisfy the yale man…and they all involve the bulldog.
  • The Weekly World News says “Walrus Boy gives birth to three-hundred-pound Elvis impersonator.”
  • The National Enquirer reveals a shocking sex scandal: yale student actually has sex. Unfortunately, it’s with a three-hundred-pound Elvis impersonator.
  • Mad Libs says that yale sucks plural noun, and Princeton is going to verb them in the noun.
  • Martha Stewart Living says yale has a conspicuous lack of doilies.
  • Martha Stewart dying says “(choking noises).”
  • Ebony Magazine doesn’t mention yale at all.
  • And Games magazine says even pinball is more challenging than four years at yale.

Forming a pinball machine, the Band says, “If you get an extra ball, you’re that much more of a man.”

(Band forms a pinball machine and plays “Jump, Jive, and Wail.” Trash section forms giant flippers and ball; at the end of the song, they hold up a giant sign that says “TILT.”)

​Yale, always remember: We don’t like to rub it in, but WE’RE NUMBER ONE AND YOU’RE NOT.

Dartmouth 2000

Dartmouth at Princeton
​November 18th, 2000
Princeton loses 37-34

Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, tumbling onto the field like Lee Hadbavny on skis, it’s the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Cannon Song”

Today’s pregame show is dedicated to our outgoing President. No, not Bill Clinton. No, not Hal Shapiro; Princeton University Band President Lee Hadbavny! So if you don’t understand all the inside jokes, just wait for halftime. You’ll like halftime. But now, it’s time to play ‘Lee Hadbavny, This Is Your Life!’ Can you identify these people?

(In Susan Merino voice:) Yay, Leatrice had a bad knee! PBS dance party!
That one was’pretty easy. Now let’s try a tougher one.
(In Chris Monsour voice:) Hello, hoooney. Hoooney, give me back my fridge. I HATE DIET COKE!
Or how about this person?
(In Maxim Shusteff voice:) Dude, guess which pants I’ll wear today. Your MOM’s pants. It’s A. Duie Pyle!
We know you’ll know who this is:
(In Bob Dylan voice:) Lee, you were really really early for my concert last night. And you’re tangled up in blue!

Forming a little ‘d,’ for Dylan, the Band reminds you that there’s something else that starts with ‘D’ that you can toss, and on which there is a moratorium.

(Band forms a small ‘d’ and plays “As the Backs Go Tearing By”)

Look what we found, Lee! It’s the: Double-double-rotating press pass!

(Band forms Double-Double Rotating Press Pass and plays “Going Back”) (Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner”)

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, getting down with their plaid selves, it’s the Princeton University Band!

“Princeton Forward”

This week is Thanksgiving, and while this holiday is enshrouded in tradition, there are some Thanksgiving traditions that didn’t make it. Such as:

  • Stuffing turkey with paper fortunes
  • Watching the big cricket match after dinner
  • The P-Rade
  • Spreading syphilis to indigenous peoples
  • Buckles on everything!
  • The annual family steel cage match
  • The Nude Olympics
  • Hoagie Haven for dinner, where the head of the household carves the turkey parm
  • Burying your older relatives who probably won’t make it through the winter anyway
  • Slaughtering a fuzzy puppy
  • Helping the poor
  • The Pass, Punt, and Kick the Turkey Contest
  • Carving a succulent, juicy baby
  • The greased grandma race
  • Religious intolerance for everyone!
  • Or our favorite, musket roullete!

Forming a musket, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, the Band gives Dartmouth the bird.

(Band forms a musket, which shoots and kills a giant turkey, and band plays “Johnny’s Mambo”)

We wanted to make jokes about the sheep at Dartmouth, but we heard they’d already been done. So instead, we’ll salute one of Dartmouth’s other famous alumni, Dr. Seuss. Unfortunately, like Thanksgiving traditions, not all of Dr. Seuss’s books were popular. Here are some Dr. Seuss books that didn’t make it:

  • “Green Eggs and Beer” “Johnny’s Mambo”
  • “Oh the Places You’ll Go… and How Very Far They Are from Hanover”
  • “How the Grinch Stole My Chastity”
  • The sequel to “Hop on Pop”: “Leap on Sheep”
  • “Marvin K. Mooney, Won’t You Please Put on Some Pants?”
  • The sequel to “Are You My Mother?”: “Who’s Your Daddy?”
  • “The Thorax”
  • “Yertl the Turtle Becomes Infertile”
  • “One Sheep, Two Sheep, Red Sheep, Blew Sheep?” Of course I did; I went to Dartmouth!
  • And “The Cat in the Vat: The Oscar Meyer Story”

Forming a cat in a vat, the Band says, Fox in Socks, our game is done, sir. Thank you for a lot of fun, sir.

(Band forms a cat in a vat and plays “Friend Like Me”)

​And now, for Student Conductor Shirtless Jim “Hey Hey Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah” Gallagher, Head Manager Lisa “Is there anything you can eat here?” Kellogg, loving Drum Major Adam “If you were a band, I’d join you” Ruben, and President Lee “NO, Adam” Hadbavny, this is your announcer Lee “Adam, NO” Hadbavny, saying, “You can ram it in your rump, Chunky!”