Princeton University Band

Media

1991 Football Season

Team Record: 8-2
Band Record: 10-0

Cornell 1991

Princeton vs. Cornell
September 21st, 1991
Princeton Wins 18-0

Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, the only non-fascist band in the Ivy League, it’s the Princeton University Band.

“Princeton Cannon Song”

To those who have never been exposed to the Cornell band before, remember, it’s not the size of your tuba section, but how creatively you use it.  Forming an inconspicuous ‘c’, so as not to arouse the suspicion of the Pennsylvania police, the Band demonstrates its profound respect for Cornell.

A solo tuba plays “Far Above Cayuga’s Waters” (Band forms a small ‘c’)

The Band would now like to congradulate the administration for its successful theft of the clapper.  But fear not, class of ‘95, there’s still the ceremonial mace, Hal’s dog, or all the ivy off of Nassau Hall.  And now presenting:

  • The world famous,
  • Fresh-smelling,
  • Law-abiding,
  • We bought these Cornell jackets, really,
  • Musically unsound,
  • We have better things to do than learn precision marching,
  • (50% cotton on both ends),
  • We invited Mussolini to be in our show, but he’s just not feeling himself today,
  • Double-Double Rotating P!

“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)

“The Star Spangled Banner”
​

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at silly happenings around the campus and the world.

“Princeton Forward”

(Trumpets play NBC News theme) This just in: President Hal Shapiro disappeared from his office early this afternoon, immediately before the scheduled signing of the controversial Keg Treaty. Nassau Hall reports that Shapiro was feeling ill due to the stress of making too many decisions without thinking them through. He is taking a “long vacation” to recover. Former alcohol czar Carl Wartenburg has proclaimed a state of emergency, and has formed The Committee to Re-Erect Princeton Social Life. The committee includes such hardliners as: Dean of Admissions Alexi Santana, Student Affairs Coordinator Brooke Shields, Chairman of the Honor Committee Teddy Kennedy, DFS Manager Jeffrey Dahmer, and Share Director Pee Wee Herman. Forming a resurrected keg on the field, the Band plays the theme song of Hal’s new vacation home.

“Jailhouse Rock” (Band forms a keg)

In a related story, it’s September, and the Dial Elm Cannon Club is insolvent…as usual. In keeping with its tradition of aggressive expansion, DEC has taken over the oh-so-solvent Soviet Union. After all, kegs are still legal there. The resulting organization, the DEC-CCCP, has chosen as their motto “Party Hardy, Comrade.” Unfortunately, after only a few short months, the DEC-CCCP has had to close its doors due to an image problem and increasingly sticky floors in the Kremlin. Forming, on the left, the scum on the Kremlin floor, and on the the right, Gorbachev’s birthmark, the Band plays the new DEC-CCCP anthem.

“Miller Time” (Band forms two blobs)

Turning now to some local news…People all over America are celebrating the failure of the Soviet coup. Except of course, in Winchita Kansas, where demonstrators protested because the coup was aborted. But the fact still remains that the Big Red Menace just isn’t as big, or as red, or as menacing as it used to be — just like Cornell. In fact, only one Big Red threat remains that could hurt the free people of the world, by wiping out the intellectual growth of our youth. No, it’s not Cornell’s School of Hotel Management. It’s the last Soviet strike in the cold war: TETRIS.

“Wipeout” (Band forms a Tetris board with pieces falling in)

With the collapse of the Soviet Union, the game “Capture the Flag” has taken on a whole new meaning. Soviet children now say “You sank my republic — pretty sneaky, sis!” Other pastimes include “Pin the birthmark on the Soviet leader,” “Go Fission,” “Bobbing for Warheads,” and “Button, Button, who’s got the button?” The Band now demonstrates the latest Soviet children’s game, shown here actual size. (Band forms four blobs, each with a label for a different Soviet Republic: “Estonia,” “Ithaca” “Fahrvergnügen,” and “Oshkosh Bgosh.”) Duck, Duck, DUCK!!! BOOM! (Drum major runs to blob each in turn, last blob explodes.)

​“Another One Bites the Dust” 

Fordham 1991

Princeton at Fordham
September 28th, 1991
Princeton Wins 20-17

Pregame
No show records available for this pregame.

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a cutting look at censorship in the ’90s. This show may not be appropriate for children under 17.

“Princeton Forward”

We were going to do a really funny joke about Catholicism, but it got censored. Few people realize quite how prevalent censorship is in our society–for example, the recent blockbuster movie “The Pope Must Die” was advertised under the less offensive name “The Pope Must Diet.” Other movies with changed titles include “Debbie Does Dishes,” “Insects, Lies, and Videotape,” “Sammy and Rosie Get Spayed,” “The Last Temptation of Chrysler,” and “Moby Richard.” But the Band’s favorite movie of recent times is “Vatican 2: Judgement Day,” starring Arnold Schwartzeneggar as Pope Innocent XII, and including the famous line, “Ave Maria, Baby.” Saluting the second coming, the Band forms the apocalypse on the field and watches as the saints go marching in, one last time.

“As the Saints Go Marching In” (Band forms ‘V2’)

Speaking of the apocalypse, take New York. (“Please. No, really!”) If cities could be censored, the Big Apple would be the first to go, or at least the subway system. After all, New York City is responsible for the corruption of our youth caused by those trips to the museum, where young impressionable children can see The Rape of the Sabine Women, the Venus de Milo, Michalangelo’s David, and those awful reproductions in the gift shop. And if Robert Mappelthorp can be censored, why not the Fordham band; they’re much more offensive. So the Band urges you to be alert for censorship even in your own backyard. Forming your own backyard on the field… (Band forms large rectangle with single trash player mowing the lawn) Oh, sorry. This is the Bronx. (rectangle gets much smaller) That’s better. The Band plays “Don’t Fence Me In.”

“Don’t Fence Me In”

Who’s to say that censorship of New York will end with art? If we really want a clean, inoffensive city, we can’t have those subway trains going in and out of tunnels all the time without an NC-17 rating, now can we? Actually, we probably shouldn’t make a crack about the New York City subway system. Jokes directed at such a safe and effective form of mass transportation would only crash and burn, killing five people. Speaking of censoring disasters, we’ve heard rumors that the Fordham athletic department has censored all records of last year’s football season, calling it embarrassing, uh, I mean sensitive information. We think that a better solution would be to just censor the entire Fordham football program. Forming a wrecking ball on the field, the Band offers to help the walls of Jack Coffey Field come tumblin’ down.

“Joshua” (Band forms a wrecking ball)

​And now for the Ram Band, thank you ma’am.  

Colgate 1991

Princeton vs. Colgate
October 5th, 1991
Princeton Wins 30-21

Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Saturday morning, so we must be the Princeton University Band.

“Princeton Cannon Song”

We are Band, Band we am,
We will not drink from kegs; they’re banned.
We will not slurp beer from a plate,
We won’t chug jello with Colgate.
We won’t nip schnopps to get a buzz,
We won’t sip shots. Why?  Because
There’s Proctor One and Proctor Two,
And we know what they’re paid to do.
So hide your kegs and hide them well,
And keep the clapper in the bell.

Saluting the children of Colgate, the Band wants to remind you that “Fight Fight Fight” sounds suspiciously like “It’s a Small World After All,” unless you play it like this.

“It’s a Small World After All” (Band forms a small ‘c’)

The Band would like to welcome the staff and their families to Palmer Stadium.  Be sure to help yourself to a free soda and popcorn – it’s on us! And be sure to check inside the box for the toy surprise – it’s your Christmas bonus. Saluting:

  • The overworked,
  • Underfunded,
  • Nine to four-thirty,
  • Overstressed,
  • Double-parked,
  • Going beyond, above, and scattered throughout the call of duty,
  • We invited Jimmy Hoffa to be in our show, but he chouldn’t come because he just wasn’t feeling himself today,
  • The Band forms the Double-Double Rotating P!

“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)

“The Star Spangled Banner”

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band presents a probing, in-depth look at fraudelence.

“Princeton Forward”

Fakes, frauds, and phonies — the world is just full of things that aren’t quite what they seem. There’s DFS tofu parmesan, pectoral implants, cold fusion, Velveeta, cubic zirconium, Nancy Reagan’s left breast, and Colgate, with new and improved MFP — Mediocre Football Players. And then there’s the keg ban…oh, sorry, that’s not fake, it’s all too real. And in this age of falsity, even the Student Rug Agency is expanding to better serve Princeton’s oh-so masculine image. Forming a toupee (and you thought only women could fake it), the Band plays “I’m Gonna Wash that Hair Right Out of My Man.”

“Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair” (Band forms toupee, DM’s comb it)

We’re here at one of America’s finest universities, where we’ve secretly replaced their usual President, Hal Shapiro, with Folger’s Crystals. No one noticed. No one noticed last Spring’s fraud either, when the University granted George Bush an honorary degree. If we’re going to do that, we may as well give Dan Quayle a certificate in the Latin American Studies program; but only if he bones up on his Latin. Speaking of pulling one over on the public, the Band salutes the biggest fraud of recent times, in which two people made millions of dollars just by moving their lips, and plays a tribute to Milli Vanilli. “Phantom of the Opera” begins playing over the PA (Band forms dollar sign and fakes playing) But wait! The Band isn’t a fake. We can play that for real.

“Phantom of the Opera”

In July, the Registrar’s office reported that 200 blank transcripts and the embossing machine were stolen. During the Summer, Associate Dean of Students Murt Whitcomb quit her job. Coincidence? You decide. To order your very own monogrammed transcript, dial 258-SCAM and kiss your problem sets goodbye. “Press 4 for an A, 3 for a B, or 3.5 for a B+. If you are calling from a rotary phone, please wait for the lady with the bun.” Improving it’s GPA, the Band salutes West College: last year one fake student — this year, 200 bogus alumni.

“Pomp and Circumstance” (Band forms an ‘F’, changes to an ‘A’)

​You know what they say about the size of your band: the smaller it is, the harder you have to blow.

Brown 1991

Princeton at Brown
October 12th, 1991
Princeton Wins 59-37

Pregame
And now, ladies and gentlemen, moms and dads, and Regis Philbin.  Leaking onto the field like a nasty press release, it’s the Princeton University Band.

“Princeton Cannon Song”

Hey Parents! Aren’t you glad you sent your kids to Brown? Where else could they have Mental Health Awareness Week and atually take it seriously?  Where else could your kids root for a football team that has scored less than Pee-Wee Herman? And where else could you find full “condom drawers” in all the dormitory lounges?  Saluting nothing in particular, the Band plays a politically-correct, extended remix version of Brown’s fight song.

“Brown Cheering Song” (Band forms a small ‘b’)

And now for a daily trivia question: which is the greater number, the population of China, the number of unemployed Brown graduates, or the number of yards given up by the Brown defense so far this season?  We don’t have the answers – we just ask the questions.

And now for the 

  • Ever-popular,
  • Multi-cultural,
  • Wash behind your ears,
  • Non-discriminatory,
  • Post-lapsarian,
  • non -Eurocentric,
  • Deconstructionist,
  • New World Order,
  • Clean your room,
  • Look both ways,
  • Thanks for the T-shirt Louie’s Restaurant,
  • Our jackets aren’t ugly 0 we’re just aesthetically challenged,
  • Double-Double Rotating P!

“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)

Your attention please: would the Brown band please pick up the white courtesy phone.
​

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a simple and straightforward look at happenings at Brown, using small words, so the Brown students can follow along. “Princeton Forward” It has come to our attention that Brown University has changed its team’s name from the “Bruins” to the “Bears,” in response to student’s inability to grapple with large words. Other ideas that were considered include:

a) The Brown Bags
b) The Big Brown
c) Dick run. Run Dick, run!
d) The Brown Ees
e) The Brown Tide
f) The Brown Band

Because of these same problems with polysyllabic words, the state of Rhode Island has decided to change the name “Providence” to “Uhhh.” Forming ‘UH’ on the field, the Band salutes the average bubble-headed Brown student and plays “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles.” “

I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles” (Band forms ‘UH’)

Another sweeping change at Brown this year is the abolition of the coed bathrooms. Now Brown students will just have to meet their dates somewhere else. Other unanticipated problems have also developed. Due to mounting confusion, the Brown band doesn’t know which one to go into. To remedy the situation, the University is offering a new course, “SEX 101: What You Are.” Also, to alleviate accusations of hermaphrophobia, the administration has decided to add a third type of bathroom for the Brown band. Forming the new symbol on the door, the Band plays “I Hear You Knocking, But You Can’t Come In.”

“I Hear You Knocking” (Band forms a question mark)

Speaking of confusion, Ivy League football looks pretty complicated this year, so we asked those guys from Saturday Night Live what they thought of the situation.

1: Who do you think is da worst team in the Ivy League dis year?
2: Da Bears.
1: But what if dey had Joe Montana, Dick Butkiss, and God?
2: Well…would Ditka coach?
1: Yeah.
2: I still gotta go with…a loss for da Bears.
1: But what if they were playing a team made up of Nelson Mandella, Ghandi, Mother Theresa, and Brooke Shields as tight end — who do ya think would lose?
2: Da Bears.
1: Well, who do ya think is gonna win today’s game?
2: Da Tigers!
1: Why are we so blessed?

“Tiger Rag” (Band forms a ‘T’)

And now for a band playing songs by dead white male authors….  

Bucknell 1991

Princeton vs. Bucknell
October 19th, 1991
Princeton Wins 31-7

Pregame
Stepping high to avoid the Bison chips, it’s the Princeton University Band.

“Princeton Cannon Song”

The Princeton University Band would like to welcome the Bucknell Bison to Palmer Stadium.  Until today, we thought that bison were extinct, but imagine our surprise as we located several on the Bucknell cheerleading squad.  Then again, we should have known – Bucknell students love their bison… frequently. That’s why Bucknell has derived their cheer from the glorious sounds of bison in the springtime: EEWAA!  Don’t get us wrong; we respect the Bucknell Bison, as long as they’re kept in their proper place: the farm.

“Old McDonald Had a Farm”  (Second verse is sung: “…had some bison…with an eewa here…”) (Band forms a small ‘b’)

Making the Bucknell students feel right at home on the farm, it’s the 

  • Farmer in the dell,
  • Sowing wild oats,
  • Chip off the old bison,
  • Moo cow,
  • Bison tipping,
  • Six sacks of manure,
  • Cock-a-doodle doo,
  • Oven-stuffer roaster,
  • Frank… Oh Frank,
  • Look, Auntie Em, it’s a twister,
  • Hey Natasha, show us your teeth,
  • Bison, get some free,
  • We invited Old McDonald to be in our show, but he didn’t come because he wasn’t feeling himself today,
  • Double-Double Rotating P!

“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at great discoveries.

“Princeton Forward”

The first major discovery in history was language: “Blah Blah Blah (distorted speaking sounds)…..Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s day…” Impassioned poetry may get you all steamy inside, but things didn’t really get hot until fire was discovered. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen until a poster hung above a Princeton student’s bed spontaneously combusted and fell on them both. Flight was discovered by the Greek hero Icarus, when he donned wings constructed of wax and chicken feathers and hurled himself out a window. Seconds later, he made two more discoveries; the pleasures of hot wax, and gravity. (Band yells “SPLAT!”) Originally, primitive man discovered that rolling a keg is the best way to keep it away from proctors. (Band member pulling keg on a leash start rolling it.) The invention of the wheel soon followed. (Band member walking with unicycle starts riding it.) Saluting all those great discoveries from the Stone Age to the age of the Stones, the Band plays “Rock Around the Clock.”

“Rock Around the the Clock” (Band forms a clock, complete with numbers and hands)

No history of great discoveries would be complete without mentioning Columbus. On this, the 499th anniversary of Columbus getting lost, one country at least is showing its respect by changing its name from “India” to “Native America.” Here Columbus is held in disfavor, but the Band urges you to remember all the great things that he has left us: a nice city in Ohio, a better name for Ninth Avenue, and a day off every year. Hey Columbus! You’ve just discovered the New World! What are you going to do now? “I’m going to…uh, uh, I don’t know.” Dispelling Columbus’ confusion, the Band salutes the discovery of “Dis New World.”

“Mickey Mouse March” (Band forms Mickey’s head)

Some discoveries have not changed history. The discovery of Clarence Thomas’ alleged indiscretions did not stop him from being confirmed to the Supreme Court by a vote of 52 to 48. The Band wonders if it’s just coincidence that the phrase “52 to 48” also represents:

  • the typical score of an Ivy League football game,
  • the typical score of an Ivy League basketball game,
  • the range of IQ for an average Bucknell student,
  • the range of weekly wages for an average Bucknell graduate, in pesos,
  • the range of possible real ages for Alexi Santana,
  • number of states in the Union, according to a recent poll of high school students, and
  • the chances of Clarence Thomas getting a date with Sandra Day O’Connor.

Let’s face it, now that the 52-48 verdict is in, Judge Thomas is here to stay, and we just can’t turn him loose.

“I Can’t Turn You Loose” (Band forms a gavel)

Discoveries are constantly being made in the field of physical science. For example, the atom, once thought to be the smallest indivisible particle, was discovered to be made up of protons, electrons, and croutons, and that even croutons are made up of still smaller pieces of bread. Scientists also once thought that four forces were enough to describe the nature of the universe, but this too has been disproven. Recent research by the Princeton University Band in the Fordham library has proven the existence of 69 fundamental forces. For example, there’s the strong dissociative force that keeps Hal Shapiro away from the student body. And there’s the attractive force that causes high school girls to hang out at T.I. And of course, there’s The Force. Watch as our conductor uses ancient Jedi techniques to lead the Band through the Star Wars theme…blindfolded.

“Star Wars” (Band forms a tie-fighter, conductor is blindfolded)

​Luke. Your father is a bison. Search your feelings; you know it to be true. 

Harvard 1991

Princeton vs. Harvard
October 26th, 1991
Princeton Loses 21-24

Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting your new provost, the Princeton University Band.

“Princeton Cannon Song”

That’s right, the Band got your new provost job, but not without some stiff competition.  We did manage to overhear some of the questions asked of the other candidates for the post:

  • “Are you free for a few drinks after the interview, Mr. Kennedy?”
  • “So, what’s your favorite movie, Clarence?”
  • “Do you have any references from your former occupation as Grand Wizard, Mr. Duke?”
  • “Can I see your license, Mr. Swaggart – ooooh, and hello Mrs. Swagart!”
  • “Are you quite sure you passed the bar, John?”
  • “Do you know how to knit and stuff?” (Band yells: “Knit one, pearl two, Hahvahd, yoo-hoo!”)

“Harvardiana” (Band forms a small ‘h’)

And now the Band would like to pay a tribute to Gene Roddenbery, a man who boldly wrote what no man wrote before.  Forming the galactically famous:

  • Warp speed now,
  • I kinna get it up, Captain,
  • Beam me up, Scotty, there’s no intelligent life in Cambridge,
  • It’s life, Jim, but not as we know it,
  • Which way to the nuclear wessels?,
  • Set tubas on stun,
  • Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor, not a provost,
  • Boldly going where no band has gone before,
  • Illogical, yet fascinating,

Double-Double Rotating P!

“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotation P)

And now, straight from the Neutral Zone, with the beauty of a Klingon and the wit and humor of a Vulcan, it’s the Hahvahd University Band.

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at parapsychology, Devil worshipping, Harvard Law School, and other dubious practices.

“Princeton Forward”

Our journey into the occult begins with a look at what’s in store for Harvard students in the afterlife. After much research, the Band has finally located Satan’s phone number, in the Harvard Alumni Directory. (phone beeps) “Hello, you have reached voice mail from Hell. This call will cost two dollars for the first minute, your eternal soul for each additional minute. If you’d like to speak to Satan himself, press one. For the admissions office or to set up an interview, press two. Press three for the Harvard University Band, or press 69 to learn about Jessica Hahn’s latest secret dream date.”

“Jesus Christ Superstar” (Band forms a pitchfork)

We believe that there are many phenomena that cannot be explained by pure coincidence. Last week, Princeton students in Blair Hall inadvertantly lit a sheet on fire; two days later, Oakland burned down. Three days later, David Duke was heard to ask: “Hey, where’s my sheet?” Are there powers we don’t know about? A woman in Chicago gets a feeling of foreboding and doom; ten years later, Clarence Thomas gets appointed to the Supreme Court. Are there powers that we do know about, but choose to ignore? A woman in Cambridge feels a tingling sensation in her hand; moments later she realizes her hand is on a stove. Demonstrating the power of the unknown on the field, the Band forms Aladdin’s lamp and invites the Harvard fans to come down and rub us.

“I Dream of Jeannie” (Band forms a magic lamp, and puffs of smoke come out during the song) (Band scrambles into a spoon)

To avoid the fate of those few unlucky Princeton graduates who get stuck in dead-end jobs, like the President of Hahvahd, Neil Rudenstine, the Band has purchased some psychic self-help books. Through ESP, we have foreseen that the Harvard Band will once again start their show with a stupid “top ten” list. Now, demonstrating the power of telekinesis, we’d like to ask the Princeton fans to concentrate on the spoon, shown here…

​(Spoon bends, trombone sound effect) But now for the ultimate challenge: Total Harmonic Convergence. random notes segue into “Birdland” (Band forms a bent spoon) And now to further demonstrate its psychic prowess, the Band will turn the announcer into a chicken, and brack, braaack, braaaaack!!  

Columbia 1991

Princeton vs. Columbia
November 2nd, 1991
Princeton Wins 22-6

Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the awesome high-stepping sonic glory of the thousand-member strong Princeton University Band.

(Band scrambles onto field)

Sorry, we seem to be missing a few people here and there… and there… and here… and over there, but over Fall Break, most of the Band was deployed to Madrid to bring peace to the Middle East.  So, what have you done with your Fall Break?  But don’t worry, Columbia, we should mop up that little mess easily, before we take on the more difficult task of explaining child-proof caps to the Columbia students.  Forming a lowly and insignificant ‘c’ on the field, the Band invites the Columbia fans to press down hard and twist.

“Roar, Lion, Roar” (Band forms a small ‘c’)

And now, solving even more of the world’s problems right here on the pregame field,

  • Faster than a derailed subway car,
  • ABle to leap Columbia students in a single bound,
  • Single-handedly repairing the ozone layer,
  • Feeding the world’s hungry with pork rolls from Harry’s Luncheonette,
  • Clothing the naked, except for Princeton’s own Olympic hopefuls, 
  • Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman,
  • All-encompassing,
  • Stickier than the floor of this taproom,
  • More effective than Carl Wartenburg’s alcohol policy,
  • More tummy toning than the adbomenizer,
  • It’s the Single-Double Rotating P!

“Going Back” (Band forms Single-Double Rotating P)

“The Star Spangled Banner”

Halftime
Marching onto the field like the new Center for Human Values, and just as picturesque, it’s the Princeton University Band.

“Princeton Forward” (Band marches on in hollow block band)

Digging ditches, tearing down trees, and laying asphalt — future jobs for Columbia undergrads, yes, but they’re also the cornerstones of the University’s campus beautification program. The University plans to rid itself of its biggest eyesore by putting Butler College on rails and dumping it into Lake Carnegie — remember, it’s better on the bottom. In the interest of both artistic beauty and gender equality, the sculpture “Oval with Points” will be moved from West College to the E-Quad next to the sculpture “Upstart #2.” Elm Club, long an aesthetic catastrophe, will finally be crowned with giant birthday candles in commemoration of Triangle’s 100th anniversary. Finally, to back up Ann Lander’s claim that the Nude Olympics are just good, clean fun, the entire Class of ’94 has been shipped off for cleaning and repairs. Forming a bar of soap on the field, the Band salutes this long overdue cleaning, and plays “Wipe Off.”

“Wipe Out” (Band forms a bar of soap)

In addition to the plans to improve the appearance of the campus, the University is also trying to improve the appearance of student life. Upon receipt of a liquor license, a bar is to opened in the basement of the Student Center. Responding to an enthusiastic reception from the students, plans have been expanded to include the construction of a wet bar in the Woodrow Wilson Fountain, and a sushi bar in the basement of the new biology building. This week’s special is frog legs — next week, sheep brain. Forming a frog’s leg on the field, the Band asks that age-old question, “Why does my sushi taste like formaldehyde?” and suggests an alternative preserving fluid for the biology department.

“Tequila” (Band forms a frog leg)

However, the recent flurry of construction and renovation will produce many benefits. The newly renovated McCarter Theatre will now be able to host American Gladiators, and sports a new arena for MONSTER TRUCKS trucks trucks. There are also plans to transform Blair Hall into the Center for Pyrotechnic Studies, Dial Lodge into the Center for Pagan Studies, and to open the brand new Woolworth Center for Extra Values. The Chapel will not be ready until December, as the Dean of the Chapel is re-installing the organ. Also being installed is a full-sized swimming pool, bungee jumping facilities, and a nautilus room, complete with a Stairmaster to Heaven. Forming bungee jumping on the field, the Band reminds you that if you twist and shout, you are more likely to fall.

“Twist and La Bamba” (Band forms a cliff, trash member bungee jumps)

But despite the inconveniences and eyesores created by the work around the campus, at least we’re not New York. Imagine how surprised we were when we heard that New York’s water broke, despite their shortage of labor. Of course Columbia, demonstrating its leech-like tendencies and complete disregard for the surrounding community, will be holding crew races this weekend on the 1, the 3, and alternate service on the Lex. They have, on the other hand, helped the unemployed and homeless in the area by offering them tenure. Out of sympathy for your apparent desperate state in attending a second-rate school, we were going to present you with the only gift that we thought would help make your campus more bearable: sixty-nine thousand Stick-Ups, but of course, you already have those. Instead, forming musical superiority on the field, we’d like to play that annoying song Columbia plays every year, but didn’t this year because they slept through pre-game. Sorry guys; maybe next year.

“I Hear You Knocking” (Band forms a concert shell)

​New York, New York, it’s not a hell of a town; it’s just plain Hell.

Penn 1991

Princeton vs. Penn
November 9th, 1991
Princeton Wins 17-12

Pregame
Conga’ing onto the field like a bunch of Brazilian pygmies, it’s the Princeton University Band.  Surprise, Janice; this is your worst nightmare come true.

“Princeton Cannon Song” (Band congas in endzone, then marches on, with lines turning in random directions)

Our president, Janice Johnston, has graced the Band with her cute, fuzzy presence for four years, and we’d like to take this opportunity to pay tribute to her.  Hey, remember that time freshman year with the three lacrosse players and the bottle of paint thinner?… Oh, sorry; we forgot that your parents are here today – Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Johnston! If there are any Penn law school admissions officers in the stands today, watch Janice closely as she struts her stuff on the field, because if she doesn’t get into her first sixty-nine choices, she may have to go to Penn.

Saluting the Penn law school, the Band plays that song that gets on everybody’s nerves.

“Hang Jeff” (Band forms a small ‘p’)

And now, it’s the:

  • Battery-operated,
  • Diarrhea of the mouth,
  • Hey, is that Lyle mooning the state trooper? 
  • Get Janice arrested,
  • Hey Janice, watch your spleen,
  • So how did you get mononucleosis anyways?
  • She may sing show tunes on the bus, but at least she doesn’t play cards,
  • rewoT rewoT,
  • Would you like another pitcher of Ribalds?
  • Fuzzy, like the pizza she ate off the floor,
  • Penn law school can use a woman like Janice,
  • Another high-powered tool, it’s the Single-Double Rotating Chainsaw!

“Going Back” (Band forms Single-Double Rotating Chainsaw)
​

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a clean and tasteful look at romance in the ’90s.

“Princeton Forward”

Let’s start with the basics. It’s been the driving force from the Supreme Being to the Supreme Court, the Big Bang to the Big Success of the latex industry, and it’s the reason you’re all here today. No, it’s not Ivy League football; it’s sex. (Band forms ‘SEX’) According to Freud, your id is primal urges, while your ego is your conscious mind. Your id says, “Yes, yes!” while your ego says, “Forty bucks!” With this near-overpowering surge of hormones, this looks like a job for SUPEREGO. Quick, Band — think about baseball! “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” (‘SEX’ changes to ‘SOX’) And now for a lesson in romance that Penn students sorely need. Dinner at a fine restaurant and a walk on the beach is romantic; a cheesesteak with peppers and onions and a brisk walk through 30th Street Station is not. Nibbling on the ear of your lover can be sensual; sticking your tongue up his/her nose is not. When serenading your beloved, we recommend the soothing accompaniment of a mellow saxophone (saxes play riff from “Bolero”); not a tuba (tubas play riff from “Hail to the Chief”). Forming a heart on the field, the Band reminds you to take your date to the Academy of Music, and not to a place in West Philly where they play music like this: “Stripper”

(Band forms a heart)

In this day and age, no discussion of romance would be complete without mentioning safety. Penn has been distributing contraceptives to all students, bringing new meaning to the term “safety school.” But they found this unnecessary, as Penn students are forced to practice the safest method of all: abstinence. With the extra condoms they’ve saved, Penn students have been cheering up underprivileged children in the area by making balloon animals, leaving behind some very confused children. However, we know that the safest relationship of all is a monogamous one. Forming monogamy on the field, the Band does its best to get everyone “In the Mood.”

“In The Mood” (Band forms monogamous pairs randomly scattered on the field)

​Remember: sex is natural, sex is fun, sex is best when it doesn’t involve a Penn undergrad.

Yale 1991

Princeton vs. Yale
November 16th, 1991
Princeton Wins 22-16

Pregame
And now, exploding onto the field with the intensity of a thousand hot suns, it’s the Princeton University Band.

“Princeton Cannon Song”

We have a few questions about an obscure school in New Haven that begins with ‘Y’:

  • Why do the fans in the Yale stands bear a striking resemblance to the bulldog?
  • Why is New Haven?
  • For God, for country, but why on Earth for Yale?
  • Why does the the bulldog look like it’s been chasing parked cars, and what is it doing rubbing up against the Yalie student?
  • Why are there so many songs about rainbows, and what’s on the other side?
  • Why are the Whiffen poofs?

The Band says “Why ask why?”

“The Whiffenpoof Song” (Band forms ‘why’)

But now, in the interest of equal representation, and since Yale students aren’t quite smart enough to figure out why they ended up there, we’ve compiled a list, denoting those qualities that might induce one to go to Yale.  and so, presenting the:

  • Everything you always wanted in a community college, but less,
  • They make nice locks,
  • See, keg is real,
  • Can be used to induce vomiting,
  • One out of five dentists recommends it,
  • Brightens your whole load,
  • It can usually be treated with antibiotics,
  • The Yale drum major is only worth sixty points,
  • We invited Eli Yale to be with us, but he couldn’t come because he wasn’t feeling himself today!
  •  It’s the better than Yale, Double-Double Rotating P!

“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)

Halftime
(Band begins playing opening of “Star Trek”)

Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Princeton University Band. It’s four year mission: to exploit strange new drinking policies, to seek out that fine line between clever and stupid, to boldly go where no band has gone before.

“Star Trek” rolls off into “Princeton Forward” (Band marches out as a spaceship, with fire extinguishers in tail)

Uh oh…we’re lost. But wait! There’s a planet below! Look, in the visitor’s stands — it’s life, but not as we know it. Let’s investigate…That’s strange; it looks like New Haven, but it’s clean and there’s no crime, and yale has been replaced with a shopping mall. We must be in Never-Never Land, where all our dreams come true. Every sock has a mate, and every freshman has a date, and look — there’s a serious democratic candidate for president. If this is truly Never-Never Land, we should be able to do anything, even fly. (Band forms ‘FLY’ while Bob the trash member climbs on a ladder) Go ahead, Bob, if you believe in yourself, you can fly! Believe, Bob, believe! (SPLAT. Bob lies still) Gosh, Band, if we applaud hard enough, we can bring him back to life. Clap, Band, clap….forget it. (Band makes ambulance noise “NeeNerNeeNer” while stretcher picks up Bob’s hat) Oh well, I guess it’s time to continue our trek…But what about Bob? (Triangle alums shout “Fuck Bob!”)

“Star Trek: The Next Generation” (Band forms the Enterprise)

My, here’s an oddly-shaped planet; let’s check it out. Excuse me, sir, can you tell us where we are? “East of the Sun, and West of the Moon…” Oh no! We’re on the planet of Triangle alums! Set phasors on discord. Gee, we were going to see your show tonight, despite the outlandish cost. Sorry, in keeping with Triangle’s tradition of openness and non-discrimination, tonight’s performance is for alumni only. Well, that’s all right. The best thing about Triangle is that there are so many roles for women — too bad they’re all played by frustrated men. Saluting 100 years of Triangle’s attempts at writing their own musicals, the Band plays a show tune from a real show.

“Seventy-six Trombones” (Band forms a triangle) 

The year is 2001, and the Band still hasn’t fulfilled its four-year mission. But wait, we’re being bombarded by pleasure waves from the planet below. Perhaps this could be the climax of our journey. We’ve detected a large monolith on the planet’s surface. (A large monolith is dragged onto the field)It could be dangerous. Who should we send to investigate? (Band members point at each other.) We’ll send Dave. (Band ejects Dave toward monolith, he examines it)Why, it’s perfectly smooth and pleasingly proportioned…and yet, somehow it seems incomplete. (Keg rises from monolith)Wait! We haven’t seen one of those since Reunions! Is it real?!? There’s only one way to find out…. (Dave climbs monolith and taps keg)

“Thus Spake Zarathustra” (Band forms upside-down ‘Y’ and flashes)
SEE KEG IS REAL ELIS ARE GEEKS TIGERS REIGN!

​Open the kegerator doors, Hal. 

Dartmouth 1991

Princeton vs. Dartmouth
November 23rd, 1991
Princeton Loses 13-31

Pregame
Stumbling onto the field like a Dartmouth student in search of a common source, it’s the Princeton University Band.

“Princeton Cannon Song”

Last night the Band discovered that Dartmouth had contracted a lame alcohol policy.  The weather was wet, but the frats were dry.  We’d like you to know that even though you’ve lost your common sources, you’ll always be a common school to us.  Remember, you are always welcome to leave your sheep for a weekend and make the roadtrip to Princeton, because if ou’ve got the time, we’ve got the beer.  But if you don’t have the time, we’d still like to invite your Band to come down and sit on our face, but please, no declarations of love.

“As the Back Go Tearing By” (Band forms a small ‘d’)

And now, for our last ‘P’ of the season, exploring all those topics that the censor board sed we couldn’t do tastefully, the Band unleashes the:

  • Totally uncensored,
  • Brutally frank,
  • 69,
  • Fetal pig hors d’oeuvres,
  • William Kennedy Smith,
  • Silence = Death,
  • Full body Catholic workout: Genuflex,
  • Phallic art,
  • Three tiny vessels crossing the Atlantic,
  • But wait, Band, what about Joyce?
  • Stepping high on the Stairmaster to Heaven,
  • Double-Double Rotating P!

“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)

Hey Dartmouth: four legs goooood, two legs baaaaaad.

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at transition metals’ ability to form octahedral, tetrahedral, trigonal, bipyramidal and square planar complexes.

“Princeton Forward” (After introduction, the music stops and a shot rings out. A Band member collapses in the endzone, remaining there throughout the show.)

Oh no, Band! It’s a disgruntled postal worker! Run! (Band scrambles onto the field) Oh well, a dead band member is almost as useful as a Dartmouth graduate. You can get plenty of jobs with a Dartmouth degree, like turning on and off the light in the refrigerator, speed bump, crash test dummy, hockey puck, test subjects for Mary Kay cosmetics, or for those lucky few, trough cleaners at the Alpha Delta house. Saluting these gifted Dartmouth alums, the Band forms Dartmouth’s favorite open container — a trough, and plays “Basin Street Blues.”

“Basin Street Blues” (Band forms a trough, level rises)

But Dartmouth students shouldn’t fret too much about their impending unemployment. Just think, soon they’ll be able to vie with other out-of-work losers…like David Duke. Why just look at all the prestigious job offers he’s received:

  • speed bump
  • editor-in-chief of The Dartmouth Review
  • manager of the new White Castle in Lynchburg, VA
  • torch-bearer for the 1992 Winter Olympics
  • host of his own educational TV program, “Mr. Wizard’s World”
  • rush committee chairperson for Dartmouth’s own Kappa Kappa Kappa, and
  • Supreme Court Justice

Forming a yellow brick road trailing off into the distance, the Band hopes we don’t meet up with Mr. Duke if he goes back to his former profession.

“We’re Off to See the Wizard” (Band forms yellow brick road trailing off into the distance; two tubas skip down the road. They stop partway, forming eyeholes to change the road into a hood.)

After testifying in the Harvard football team’s steroid use trial, the Princeton Band has been placed in the Federal Witness Relocation Program. We’ve been given a new identify that no one would ever expect: as a Big Ten precision marching band, shown here, actual size.

“The Stars and Stripes Forever” (Band forms a script ‘hi’ with an ‘o’ sign on either side, spelling ‘ohio’. The tubas umlaut the ‘i’.)

​And now on behalf of Band President Janice “bite my neck” Johnston, Drum Major Natasha “Ah, Satan” Kablaoui, and Student Conductor Brian-Fred “Beef” Fitzsimmons, this is your announcer Bruce “I swear it was in the script” Kennedy thanking Jack and Cindy, and all you athletic supporters out there: our long, hard season has only encouraged us to come again next year…