Princeton University Band

Media

1990 Football Season

Team Record: 3-7
Band Record: 10-0

Cornell 1990

Princeton at Cornell
September 15th, 1990
Princeton Loses 14-17

Pregame
The Princeton University Band’s advance scout party, shown here, rolled into Ithaca last night looking for love in all the wrong places.

“Princeton Cannon Song”

The Band discovered last night that bigger isn’t necessarily better.  It’s not the size of the band, but how well you use your instrument. Employing our full musical potential, the Band plays a fitting tribute to our favorite school with rain-swollen lakes.

A solo tuba plays “Far Above Cayuga’s Waters” (Band forms a small ‘c’)

Showing just how much better small can be, it’s the 

  • Bite size,
  • Just one calorie,
  • Individually wrapped,
  • One size fits all,
  • Won’t fill you up,
  • All the taste and none of the guilt,
  • Betcha chan’t eat just one,
  • A little dab’ll do ya’,
  • Fits easily in those hard-to-reach places,
  • We’re not small; we’re petite,
  • May be used as a carry-on item, 
  • We’re not the A-Team, but we’ve seen them on TV,
  • Single-Double Rotating P!

“Going Back” (Band forms Single-Double Rotating P)

And now, please welcome the Prussian Palace Guard.

​Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes an up close and personal look at things Big and Red.

“Princeton Forward”

Sports fans of all ages will long remember Pete Rose from the Big Red Machine, but unfortunately Pete’s now breaking rocks instead of records. If you think about it though, prison life’s a lot like baseball; there’s those pinstripe uniforms, that regimented life, and those showers with other men. Pete has far more in common with his fellow inmates than he might think: he knocked balls out of the park, his roomie knocked over liquor stores; he made umpires eat dust, his other roomie made his mother bite the dust. Forming Pete Rose’s view from his prison cell, the Band offers this fallen hero a little advice: don’t mess with Bubba.

“Jailhouse Rock” (Band forms vertical bars)

Pete Rose isn’t the only thing Big and Red having trouble behind an iron curtain; there’s also Russia. America’s helping to grease the wheels of that Big Red Machine with hamburger diplomacy. Boris Yeltsin, after a tough day stirring up revolution, you deserve a break today! Here’s Ronald McDonald with your foreign aid package, McGlasnost, and it comes complete with burger, small fries, soft drink, and a different action figure each week. Choose from Lenin, Stalin, Trotsky, or GI Joe with Kung Fu Grip. Isn’t the presence of a big goofy clown peddling Happy Meals just what Moscow needs to keep its republics from breaking away? Hey Band, what are you going to do now that you’ve formed an independent republic, (shown here)?

(“We’re going to Disney World!”) “Mickey Mouse March” (Band forms an independent republic)

While we’re on the subject of Big Red things, take Rosanne Barr after a long day at the beach. (“Please. No, really.”) The Band would like to salute Rosanne and all of our other favorite Big Red things by forming:

a) Mars, the Big Red planet
b) Jupiter’s Big Red Spot
c) a baboon’s Big Red Spot
d) Gorbachev’s Big Red Spot
e)
f) the Cornell band

Speaking of whom, we’d love to stay to hear their big band versions of Muzak classics, but….we gotta go now.

“Louie, Louie” (Band forms big red blob)

And now, the only real band that thinks they’re in the Ivy League….

Fordham 1990

Princeton vs. Fordham
September 22nd, 1990
Princeton Wins 23-14

Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, in our 71st season of marching, mirth, and merriment: the Princeton University Band.

“Princeton Cannon Song”

The Band would like to welcome our friends from Fordham.  You know, Princeton is a lot safer than the Bronx. Just steer clear of that Henry-1901 firing range.  Don’t worry though, visiting football rivals are always welcome, especially those with strong academic traditions.

“Mickey Mouse March” (Band forms a small ‘f u’)

And now, the Band welcomes the 1180 members of the class of 1994 – Look out!  He’s got a gun! (Rim shot. Band member falls.) Run, Band, run!

Well, for the remaining 1179 freshmen, the University offers these protective devices:

  • The personal alarm; good for repelling attackers and attracting dogs,
  • The pocket sized bayonet,
  • A can of mugger-be-gone, and
  • A year’s supply of squirrel repellent.

For more complete protection, the Band suggests Scotch-Guarding the entire Freshmen class.  But wait; there’s so much more. Act now, and you too can receive a snarling, dorm-ready pit bull, with complimentary piranha for those rainy days.  Please remember, we’re not the Department of Public Safety, but we’ve seen them on TV. Saluting Public Safety, Protection, Personal alarms, Pitbulls, and Piranhas, the Band forms a Double-Double Rotating P.

“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)

“The Star Spangled Banner”

​Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen: the weekend update from Princeton Eyewitness News and Information Service, with your host, the Princeton University Band.

“Princeton Forward”

Our lead story today concerns tightened campus security. In response to demands for better lighting and more proctors, the University has installed new card-activated locks in Forbes College. Way to go, guys. These Door Unlocking Devices, henceforth known as DUDs, will keep us safe from common thieves, muggers, and any marauding pizza delivery men. Forming your forgotten pie chilling in the night air, the Band plays a musical tribute to all the delivery men left out in the cold.

“I Hear You Knocking But You Can’t Come In” (Band forms pepperoni pizza)

In a follow-up to our lead story, Healthwatch correspondent Al Frente reports that your Forbes College card keys, shown here, can also be used in case of a medical emergency. Not only do they unlock doors, but they also serve as Lifecall emergency transmitters. Imagine if this happened to you: (Band falls down and yells: “Help! I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!”) But thanks to your new blue cards, Band, you don’t have to twist and shout all night long.

“Twist and Shout” (Band forms rectangular card)

Our business segment tonight concerns the recent spate of acquisitions spreading from Wall Street to Prospect Avenue. Apparently this merger mania began with third floor bicker and has since blossomed to include entire clubs. The recent merger of Dial, Elm, and Cannon Clubs has sent shock waves through corporate America. In a surprise move, the DEC Grad Board has announced the hostile takeover of troubled corporate giant RJR Nabisco. Indeed, now it’s possible for DEC members to have their cookies and toss them too. Forming one too many Oreos on the field, the Band reaches for a little brown jug….of Mallox.

“Little Brown Jug” (Band forms Oreo cookie)

Apparently, the DEC merger was prompted by a series of unfortunate accidents in which Dial members were found stuck to the taproom floor. Faced with the increasing cost of member removal from sticky floors, the Grad Board had no choice but to seek out new floors to conquer. Hence, the merger. Saluting great strides in the areas of fiscal responsibility and floor safety, the Band forms:

a) Dial Elm Cannon
b) Dumb Excuse for a Club
c) Drinking, Eating, and Carousing
d) Don’t Expect Cooperation
e)
f) a Dozen Empty Clubs

But remember, if DEC continues to grow, soon they’ll have no one to play with but themselves.

“He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands” (Band forms ‘DEC’)

The following is a public safety announcement by the Princeton University Telephone System….but you can call us PUTS. Learn to identify these sounds:

  • This is the sound of a dial tone….(Band plays dial tone)
  • This is the sound of a busy signal….(Band plays busy signal)
  • This is the sound of a truck backing up outside your window at 7:00 am in the morning….(Band plays busy signal)
  • This is the sound of you phoning your neighbor….(Band plays five notes)
  • This is the sound of E.T. phoning home….(Band plays “Close Encounters” theme)
  • And this is the sound of you phoning home….(Band plays lots of notes, segueing into….)

“Mission Impossible” (Band forms telephone receiver)

The announcer isn’t wearing any pants. Film at 11.  

Colgate 1990

Princeton vs. Colgate
September 29th, 1990
​Princeton Loses 13-39

Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band rolled into Hamilton last night… and before we knew it, we had rolled right back out.

“Princeton Cannon Song”

The Band woke up today, a little hazy after a long night at the DKE house.  Despite their colorful past, we realize that all students are truly brothers, so we rushed out to pledge our support to Colgate’s Greek system as they “Fight, Fight, Fight” their legal battles.

“Fight, Fight, Fight” (Band forms a small ‘c’)

The Band went up and down last night… all over campus.  In tribute to the ups and downs of Colgate campus life, it’s the 

  • Up the hill,
  • Down the street,
  • It’s not as steep as it looks,
  • Trucks use lower gear,
  • It’s not Mount Everest, but we’ve seen it on TV,
  • Oh, no! There go the brakes on my bike,
  • Soon reaching terminal velocity,
  • Tower has cleared us for landing,
  • Brush up-and-down, not side-to-side,
  • Single-Double Roating P!

“Going Back” (Band forms Single-Double Rotating P)

This show has been rated NC-17 by the Motion Picture Association of America.

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, join the Princeton University Band as we go back to school. Quick, Band — you’re late to class!

(Band scrambles onto field)

I hope you remembered your homework, Band. Oh, no! Don’t feel bad; ever since there’s been homework, there’s been late homework. Take Throg, the cavekid, who was the first to try this line: “I dropped my problem set, and it broke!” Plato used this one on Socrates: “Zeus seduced my mother and stole my homework!” In the Middle Ages, Copernicus once tried: “The Church banned my homework!” During the Irish potato famine, many a schoolchild lamented: “My family ate my science project!” And in the 1960’s, the love crowd often claimed: “Somebody smoked my English paper!” Forming a scrap of homework blowin’ in the wind, the Band pays a musical tribute to these early proponents of higher education.

“Blowin’ in the Wind” (Band forms a scrap of paper)

Eww! What’s that smell? Must be lunchtime! Good thing you brought your plaid lunchbox, Band. Lunchboxes have come along way since Throg’s lunch cage. Achilles never left his tent without his Trojan lunch box, complete with secret compartment. And even French Revolutionaries carried lunch boxes filled with cake. During the 80’s, many a schoolchild went without his Ding Dongs due to the popular, yet difficult to open, Rubik’s Lunch Box. Forming a boxed lunch on the field, the Band reveals its favorite lunchtime goody.

“Miller Time” (Band forms lunch box)

Oh no, Band; you shouldn’t have eaten so much at lunch — it’s time for Gym. Everyone always loved athletics. In the beginning there was volleyboulder, an exciting but short-lived sport, which was quickly renamed “squash.” Some years later, Viking crew teams kept fit with events such as the two mile pillage, the one mile pillage, and the half mile pillage and burn. Though the Vikings were the first traveling athletes, the first official away game was, of course, the Crusades. Forming an athletic sword on the field, the Band plays the crusader’s favorite fight song.

“When the Saints Go Marching In” (Band forms a sword)

​Just who is this Jim guy anyway, and why do we have to put on shorts to see him?

Brown 1990

Princeton vs. Brown
October 6th, 1990
Princeton Wins 27-23

Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, fighting with a vim that is dead sure to win, it’s the Princeton University Band.

“Princeton Cannon Song”

We passed a horrible accident on the way to the game.  We weren’t sure whether it was a brown bear hit by a semi… or just the Brown band.  But seriously folks, saluting the Brown band’s propensity for booths, bagels, and backwash, we play a cheering song for Andy and Cathy’s squeaking bed springs.

“The Brown Cheering Song” (Band forms a small ‘b’)

Most people think that Brown University was named after… dirt.  However, the Band did some probing research last night and some more likely candidates are:

  • Lightly creamed coffee,
  • Hot, rich cocoa,
  • Simulated wood grain finish,
  • The Hudson river,
  • A cub scout’s favorite meal,
  • Bagels on our noses,
  • Burnt sxquirrel,
  • Beethoven’s last movement,
  • Freshmen after a tug-of-war,
  • We’re not the chocolate that forms after you mix cocoa puffs and milk, but we’ve seen it on TV,
  • It’s the Double-Double Rotating P!

“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)

“The Star Spangled Banner”

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band invites you on a journey through four years of Princeton.

“Princeton Forward”

Y’now, freshman say some of the darndest things….and the Band has been listening. We’d like to present our top five list of silly first-year questions:

5) Which club is this?
4) Can I have a beer?
3) What’s third floor bicker?
2) Dude, did you know that you can order pizza from those phones with the blue lights?
And the number one silly question uttered by a freshman:
1) Excuse me, Professor, can I go to the bathroom?

“Satisfaction” (Band forms question mark)

It’s sophomore year, and a young Band’s fancy turns to thoughts of….bicker! So, you want to join a selective club? Are you ready for your interview?

What is your name?
We’re the Princeton Band.
What is your quest?
To join an exclusive eating establishment.
What is your favorite club?
Dial….no, Elm….no, Cannon…ahhhhh!

I’m sorry Band, you’ve been hosed….shown here.

“Wipeout” (Band forms hose)

Speaking of getting hosed, take junior year room draw. (“Please. No, really!”) Goodbye residential college, hello junior slums! Forming your one-room triple on the field… (Band forms large rectangular box) No Band, that’s too large…. (Band shrinks) That’s still too large…. (box shrinks further) The Band would like to salute all seventy-six square feet of your new floor space.

“Seventy Six Trombones”

Nothing strikes terror into the heart of a Princeton senior quite like the word “thesis.” To all you procrastinating seniors, the Band presents common early warning signs of a troubled thesis:

  • It’s January….and the bartenders at Marita’s know you by name.
  • It’s February….and you have the highest Tetris score of anyone on your hallway.
  • It’s March….and you’re thinking of becoming an engineer.
  • It’s April….and you don’t know your carrel combination.
  • It’s May….and your computer says: “This disk is unreadable. Do you want to initialize?”

“Another Bites the Dust” (Band forms ’91 which changes to ’92)

The Band wanted to do a joke on the lives of graduate students, but Dean Ziolkowski told us that grad students aren’t permitted to have lives.

Bucknell 1990

Princeton vs. Bucknell
October 13th, 1990
Princeton Loses 9-14

Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band presents the Great American Rain Dance.

(Band scrambles onto the field)

We interrupt this pregame show to bring you a special announcement.  The part of Student Conductor, normally played by Kelvin “The Pelvis” Lee is being played today by our musical advisor Jack “Hotfoot” Hontz.  When Kelvin heard that we were visiting Bucknell today, he decided to blow it off. Way to go, Kelvin. We’re pleased to welcome Jack to his debut on the football field, and salute his years with the Band.

A solo trombone plays “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen” (Band forms a small ‘j’)

Hey Jack… do I smell something burning? Quick, Band, put it out!  (Water balloons are thrown.)

And now, for the only Band available in a spray can, it’s the 

  • Contents under pressure,
  • Do not puncture or incinerate,
  • Shake well before use,
  • Avoid spraying in eyes,
  • Not intended for internal consumption,
  • May cause discoloration,
  • Use only in well-ventilated areas,
  • Not recommended for children under ten years of age,
  • If irritation occurs, discontinue use and contact a physician,
  • Flammable band; exposure to temperatures above 120 degrees may cause bursting,
  • Now available in a pump,
  • It’s the environmentally safe, Single-Single Non-Rotating P!

“Going Back” (Band forms Single-Single Non-Rotating P)

And remember, Jack: You’re not a hostage, you’re a guest.

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at blunders throughout the ages.

“Princeton Forward”

Blunders, errors, foul-ups, screw-ups…they happen all the time. The first blunder in history was committed by Adam and Eve, of course. They weren’t satisfied with eternal bliss under the watchful eye of a benevolent God. No, they had to go to the local Garden of Eden McDonalds and order a delicious, but forbidden, hot apple pie. Thus not only did they fall from grace, but they burned the roofs of their mouths in the process. Forming an apple on the field, the Band salutes the biggest forbidden fruit east of Eden.

“New York, New York” (Band forms an apple)

Getting run out of the Garden of Eden wasn’t half as dumb as running into the Valley of Death. Everyone knows that the Charge of the Light Brigade was a pretty stupid maneuver. The British army had the same strategy as the Bucknell football team: let’s run it up the middle, they’ll never expect that! (“Splat!”) Five hundred brave soldiers had to die for the British army to learn, once and for all, that Crimea doesn’t pay.

“Underdog” (Band forms a cannon)

Speaking of blunders, how about NASA. Lately, it has had problems probing the heavens. Take the Hubble Space Telescope: Mirror, mirror in the scope, whoever made you smoked some dope. You weave and wobble in the sky, your engineer must have been high. Your mirror is cracked, your lens is broke; he must have taken another toke. It is for you we play this tune: By the Light of the Silvery Moon.

“By the Light of the Silvery Moon” (Band forms crescent moon)

Just who is Nell, anyway?

Harvard 1990

Princeton vs. Harvard
October 20th, 1990
Princeton Loses 20-23

Pregame
Band…James Band.

“James Bond Theme” segues into “Princeton Cannon Song”

Hey Harvard, we hear your Band’s been drafted… to sunny, fun-filled Saudi Arabia.  So, you’re going to entertain the troops… hope you brought along enough slide grease.  But look at the bright side: you can still stick your head in the sand and no one will notice all the hot air you produce.  Maybe the camels will like your… music. Playing Cambridge Community College’s fight song, the Band sautes Harvard’s hard move… groan.

“Harvardiana” (Band forms a small ‘h’)

It’s hot in Saudi Arabia, but it was darn cold on the field this morning.  Forming the

  • Snuggle for warmth,
  • Exposed flesh freezes within 30 seconds,
  • Don’t forget your mittens,
  • Refrigerate after opening,
  • Thinsulate thermal underwear,
  • Hot rich cocoa,
  • 90% of your body heat is lost through your head,
  • Featuring the layered look,
  • Don’t lick the pump handle,
  • We’re hot-blooded,
  • Bundle up,
  • It’s not really cold; it’s the wind chill factor,
  • We don’t have chapped lips, but we’ve seen them on TV,
  • Double-Double Rotating P!

“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)

“The Star Spangled Banner”

Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes an in-depth and responsible look at environmental problems.

“Princeton Forward”

The world is full of trash…but enough about Harvard. Since the University put a landfill on our practice field, the Band has been exploring techniques in recycling technology. For example, we’ve discovered that old bowling trophies can be recycled into Nobel Peace Prizes, slums in the Bronx can also be used as buildings for Butler College, and Snow White and the Seven Dwarves can be re-used as the Harvard football team. However, we still haven’t figured out uses for saran wrap, carbon paper, or Harvard diplomas. Illustrating the difficulties of being environmentally conscious (or conscious at all), the Band laments its recycling box blues.

“Basin Street Blues” (Band forms recycling box)

There is an up side to the destruction of the environment. Once all that pesky ozone is eliminated, we can use Antarctica as the world’s largest tanning salon. Thanks to Exxon, Mrs. Paul’s Fish Sticks now come in regular and unleaded. Nuclear winters will mean great skiing. Even Three Mile Island has its benefits…after all, two heads are better than one. But best of all, the greenhouse effect will melt the polar ice caps, thereby flooding the streets of Cambridge. Will it happen, or is our dream all wet? Only time will tell.

“William Tell Overture” (Band forms a sailboat)

It’s 2001, and the more things don’t change, the more they stay the same. For instance: Rose Kennedy is still alive, Jackie Kennedy is still a size six, John Kennedy Jr. still hasn’t passed the bar, Ted Kennedy still isn’t President, and the Harvard band still isn’t funny. Unfortunately, the environmental crisis still looms large. Picture this, if you will: Harvard is no longer in Boston, because Boston is in Boston Harbor. Forced to higher ground by the greenhouse effect and rising tides, Harvard has sought a new haven….in, that’s right, New Haven. With Harvard and Yale side by side, they’ve created the world’s largest intellectual vacuum and produced the prime location for a toxic waste dump. The Band would like to salute Harvard’s difficult movement and a brighter future for the rest of us.

“Thus Spake Zarathustra” (Band forms concert shell and flashes)
HARD MOVE, GROAN HARVARD, GO HOME PRINCETON RULES

See Dick run. Run, Dick, run. C. Anthony Broh. Broh, Anthony, Broh.

Columbia 1990

Princeton vs. Columbia
October 27th, 1990
Princeton Loses 15-17

Pregame
Rolling onto the field like a bunch of rabid pumpkins, it’s the Princeton University Band.

“Princeton Cannon Song”

Hey Columbia, we decided to do our pumpkin jokes first.  Ha! We never understood why other schools make pumpkin jokes about us.  I mean, how many pumpkins have you seen wearing underwear? The only reason no one ever mistakes the Columbia band for a pumpkin is because pumpkins are much better musicians.  The Band now demonstrates how pumpkins would play the Columbia fight song.

“Roar, Lion, Roar” (Band forms a small ‘c’)

All this talk about pumpkins has put us in the Halloween mood.  Saluting our favorite holiday, and already dressed in our Halloween garb, it’s the

  • Hey, little girl, want some candy?
  • Glows in the dark,
  • Trick or treat,
  • Hard boiled eggs, toilet paper, and shaving cream,
  • Jack-o-lanterns,
  • Black cats,
  • Ghosts, ghouls, and demons,
  • Quoth the raven, “Nevermore,”
  • Creatures of the night,
  • Only comes out at midnight,
  • We aren’t the Great Pumpkin, but we’ve seen it on T,
  • Double-Double Boil and Bubble Rotating P!

“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)

You can’t kill us… we’re already dead.

Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a cold and calculating look at budgetary problems.

“Princeton Forward”

Like Rosanne Barr on one foot, budgets are tough to balance. When we heard the U.S. Government was in the hole, the Band wanted to lend a hand. Here are some of our suggestions for raising money:

  • Congress could hold their first annual car wash.
  • The Marion Barry tapes could be re-released for VHS and Beta.
  • The government could raffle off Dan Quayle’s Nintendo collection.
  • The D.E.A. could hold a brownie sale.

Forming a kilo…uh, a box of brownies on the field, the Band raises its consciousness and national revenues.

“Up, Up and Away” (Band forms a brownie)

They say that a penny saved is a penny earned, but $10 billion saved is even better. One way the government could try to save some money would be to cut Dan Quayle’s allowance. They could also force Bush to take unpaid vacations, thus reducing his paid workdays to ten per year. And since he’s off so much of the time, does he really need a thousand points of light? Let’s just give him five hundred….and a night light for Dan. But none of this would even be necessary if they made just a few reductions in defense spending. Saluting a $10,000 budgetary tool, the Band shows Bush how to cut the Pentagon down to size.

“Mack the Knife” (Band forms a pentagon which changes to a square)

The Columbia band learned everything it knows about balancing a budget from watching our government in action. A penetrating investigation came up with this secret copy of the Columbia band’s budget:

income $ 2000.00
music $ 0.25
cab fare $ 20.00
tips $ 457.00
legal council $ 100.00
Era (because protein gets out protein) $ 400.00
hand-held power pools $ 750.00
brownies and related foodstuffs $ 900.00,
and cold fusion research $ 4.5 billion

Forming an imbalanced budget, we salute Columbia’s imbalanced band.

“My Favorite Things” (Band forms a balance)

​Yo Band….Get Out! 

Penn 1990

Princeton vs. Penn
November 3rd, 1990
Princeton Wins 34-20

Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band salutes its favorite politicians.

“Princeton Cannon Song”

The Band has heard that President Bush is going over the desert and through the gulf to visit the soldiers in Saudi Arabia for Thanksgiving.  Due to the upcoming election, there is a shortage of turkeys, so the soldiers will be having Quayle instead. Wishing our favorite poultry the best of luck, the Band plays the Penn fight song.

“Hang Jeff” (Band forms a small ‘p’)

In light of the current budget crisis, George Bush knew just what to do: he went on vacation!  Saluting Presidential wisdom, the Band forms the:

  • Make reservations in advance,
  • Delta is ready when you are,
  • Off-season rates are cheaper,
  • Children under 12 ride for free,
  • Your seat may be used as a flotation device,
  • Cable included,
  • Round-trip supersaver airfare,
  • Check-out time is 11:00 am,
  • We love to fly and it shows,
  • PUB… the antidote for civilization,
  • Sun-block level 69,
  • Single-Double Rotating P!

“Going Back” (Band forms Single-Double Rotating P)

“The Star Spangled Banner”

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a pointed look at the dimensions. “Princeton Forward” Dimension Zero: The Point. By far the least of the dimensions, much like Penn, the least of the Ivies. But getting straight to the point, the Band demonstrates its geometric prowess by forming:

a) that broken light on the scoreboard
b) the point of no return
c) the tip of Mr. Spock’s ears
d) the tip of a Penn student’s head
e)
f) the Penn band

Oops. Sorry; they’re pointless. Well, our mothers told us not to point anyways. Saluting one one-thousandth of George Bush’s dream, the Band plays “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.”

“Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” (Band forms a point)

Dimension One: The Line. “What’s cookin’, good lookin’? Wanna shake with a Quaker?” This is an example of a bad line. Demonstrating its one-track mind, the Band forms:

a) a cosmic string
b) the Mason-Dixon line
c) the EEG of your average Penn student
d) the shortest distance between the Band and a beer keg
e) the Band going off on a tangent
f) “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”

“The Lion Sleeps Tonight” (Band forms a line)

Dimension Two: The Plane. Going back and forth gets boring after a while, so it’s nice to throw in the occasional side-to-side. In the immortal words of Tatoo, “Boss, de plane, de plane!” Discovering the second dimension can be a traumatic event in the lives of certain young children, when they go looking for Fluffy, only to find her in the middle of the street — road pizza, that is. Some of our favorite things are even flatter than Fluffy: Joan Rivers’ stomach after liposuction, the Penn band’s jokes, and DEC’s beer.

“Miller Time” (Band forms a plane)

Dimension Three: Space, the final frontier. The Band is always looking for new spaces to fill. There are lots of types of spaces. For example, there’s the space between David Letterman’s teeth, or the space between the Quaker’s ears. The space between Forbes College and campus has plagued many a freshman on his way to his 9:00 at the Equad. Of course, there’s always the Penn band; they’re spaced out. Saluting a three-dimensional Fluffy before her untimely demise, the Band plays “I Can’t Turn You Loose.”

“I Can’t Turn You Loose” (Band forms coordinate axes)

We were going to make a joke about the fourth dimension, but we ran out of time.  

Yale 1990

Princeton at Yale
November 10th, 1990
Princeton Loses 7-34

Pregame
Puddling onto the field like the Yale bulldog, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at cantaloupes.

“Princeton Cannon Song”

The Princeton University Band is very concerned and shocked about the recent pelting of the Yale band by cantaloupes. We feel tomatoes and rotten eggs would be much more appropriate.  The last time we saw the Yale band, we respnded by spouting blood and screaming hideously. Since the Yale band has been decapitated by flying fruit, we’ve decided to play their fight song.

“The Whiffenpoof Song” (Band forms λ)

After a little research studying the remains of the Yale band, we’ve discovered the existence of eighteen bodily fluids.  Demonstrating our favorite finds, it’s the

  • Blood,
  • Lymph,
  • Bile,
  • Sweat,
  • Saliva,
  • Mucous,
  • Phlegm,
  • Tears,
  • Post-nasal drip,
  • Slide spit,
  • Transaxle fluid,
  • Ear wax,
  • Pus,
  • Cream of asparagus,
  • Cerebral fluid,
  • Saline solution,
  • Petroleum jelly,
  • Amniotic fluid,
  • Double-Double Rotating P!

“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)

Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a cutting look at medicine.

“Princeton Forward”

It’s been a long time since surgery meant drilling holes in people’s skulls to let the evil spirits out. Nowadays people are having holes drilled in their skulls to get hair transplants…and having holes drilled in many other parts of their bodies to get silicon implants. Not wanting to be left out in this day of cosmetic surgery, the Band recently improved our dance steps by getting a lambadamy. Demonstrating our surgically inserted talent, the Band dances the forbidden dance.

“Liberty Bell Tango” (Band forms a scalpel)

Speaking of removing things, Saddam Hussein has been doing his part for separating families worldwide. And anyone who’s undergone this forced kin removal knows just how painful it can be. To ease pain such as this, doctors have been prescribing a number of treatments: there’s Valium, Perkadan, nonoxynol-9, and the ever-popular blow to the back of the head. But in all our searching for that ever-elusive relief, we’ve found only one cure for all that Yales us.

“Tequila” (Band forms glass which slowly drains)

There comes a time when modern medicine can do no more and you need to turn to something stronger: faith healing. John Kennedy Jr. made the small donation of his life savings and, lo and behold, he passed the bar, which makes him the first Kennedy capable of passing a bar. But who needs MCATS and med school when there are legions of gullible, err, faithful, out there just waiting to be relieved of their pain…and their bank accounts. Looking forward to a lucrative new career, the Band says, “Give us $5 million, or we won’t leave the field.”

“When the Saints Go Marching In” (Band forms a dollar sign)

Unfortunately, some things can’t be cured…like the Yale Band. 

Dartmouth 1990

Dartmouth at Princeton
November 17th, 1990
Princeton Loses 6-23

Pregame
In its final pregame of the season, the Princeton University Band is led by lame duck President Beth Katona.  Hey Beth: Dehydrate… (“Rehydrate!”)

“How Dry I am” segues into “Princeton Cannon Song”

The Princeton University Band has fortunately been well-endowed with Beth’s presence over the past four years.  Whoever would have guessed that spunky little freshwomen would have such an impact on the Band’s… eardrums. Independent in both her thinking and eating, Beath was the charter member of the University Cabbage Club.  Forming a backward ‘b’, the Band plays “As Beth Goes Screaming By.”

“As the Backs Go Tearing By” (Band forms a small ‘d’)

Hey Band…Ahhhhhhh!  In our last ‘P’ of the year, the Band forms the

  • I don’t have ID, but I have a DM book,
  • Katona with a ‘K’, not a ‘C’,
  • Who wants to take me to dinner?,
  • Hey Beth, is that an automated toll booth?,
  • Can we play soccer with your hamster ball?,
  • I’m going to have a crisis now,
  • List?  We don’t need no stinking list,
  • Wanna drive the van to Yale?,
  • Peter, don’t pour over me,
  • Gimme ‘da special,
  • She’s not an air-raid siren, but she’s played on on TV,
  • It’s the Double-Single Rotating Dental Floss!

“Going Back” (Band forms box of Double-Single Rotating Dental Floss)

“The Star Spangled Banner”

Halftime
Stumbling onto the field like a flock of turkeys with their heads cut off, the Princeton University Band takes a puritanical and pious look at Thanksgiving.

“Princeton Forward”

It’s a little known fact that before the Pilgrims settled at Plymouth Rock, they landed on the scenic Jersey shore, but left after stepping on a dirty needle. Imagine what Thanksgiving would be like if the Pilgrims had colonized Princeton; we’d be eating roast squirrel and meatless turkey parmesan. If they had settled in San Francisco, we’d all be thankful for Rice-a-Roni (what a treat!); but boy, it’s a good thing they didn’t land in New Hampshire, otherwise we’d all be enjoying sheep, just like the guys at Dartmouth. Forming a lamb chop, the Band says, “I’ve Got Plenty of Mutton.”

“I’ve Got Plenty of Nothing” (Band forms a lamb chop)

The Band’s favorite part of Thanksgiving is eating Mom’s leftovers for weeks and weeks. That stuffed bird can sure be used for a lot of things: there’s turkey sandwiches, turkey soup, turkey pot pie, turkey stir fried with tofu, turkey ice cream, caffeine-free turkey Slice. Speaking of turkeys, take the Dartmouth band. (“Please. No, really.”) But after weeks and weeks of all this cold meat, we’re glad when we get down to the bone. Forming a wishbone on the field, the Band invites you to grab us and make a wish.

“When You Wish Upon a Star” (Band forms a wishbone)

Speaking of Thanksgiving, the Band would like to take this moment to remember all of the people who made our 72nd season of marching, mirth, and merriment so successful. Special thanks to Chris and Myrt for always being there, to Amy and Tom for not catching our funniest lines, to Jack “Hotfoot” Hontz for all the trouble he’s seen, to Sam Howell and Dan Martin for all their help during the Harvard game, to Harry Sluncheonette for his excellent coffee, to all those hapless students in Wilcox Hall and the Student Center during our show-writing sessions, to DEC for being such an endless source of humor, and to the Class of ’39 and all our other loyal fans for their enthusiastic support. And now, President “Buxom” Beth Katona, Conductor Kelvin “The Pelvis” Lee, Drum Major Mike “Don’t Touch My Mace” Amabile, and your Announcer Paul “I’m Still Not Wearing Any Pants” Conrad sign off in style while the Band plays “The Stars and Stripes Forever” — just because we can.

“The Stars and Stripes Forever” (Band forms Princeton shield)